Desicritics Category: Culture: Relationships

Should Marriage be Abolished?

Sumanth — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 07:42:15 EDT

In old days, people mostly lived in communities in villages. The parents used to take care of children and the grown up children used to take care of frail and sick old parents. That was the circle of life.

Today, with the Americanization of the world, some new noble actors gatecrashed into this circle of life. They are the Corporates, Society and the Government.

Today, parents solely take care of children, and then they handover the grown up children to Corporates and Governments. The young children work for the corporates and pay taxes to the Government, which claims to take care of everyone. In reality, children do not have time for old and sick parents. I see a lot of respectable elderly people in the neighborhood, who explain their old age loneliness with tears in their eyes.

Even though there is a lot of pressure for Americanization of India by Helen Clark of UNDP, our Government does not talk about anything American like Social Security or Healthcare System for old people in India.

The returns on investment (ROI) on children by parents are virtually zero today. So, children should be the responsibility of the Society or the Commune. Osho wanted the family to be replaced by the Commune.

Marriage should be abolished. With that there will be an end to divorce industry. There will be no family courts, lawyers, psychoanalysts, therapists, priests, perverts, dowry takers and prostitutes. When commune takes care of all children, there will be absolutely no orphans in the society.

When marriage does not exist and children become responsibility of the commune, men and women do not have to struggle for work life balance and they will have more choices in life. The personal emergencies and shocks will get absorbed by the whole commune.

In the book Third Wave, Alvin Toffler wrote, "Nuclear Family has no meaning, when there is no nucleus at home." The Commune will fill richness in children's lives, where as in a marriage today, the child has to remain suppressed between 2 adults and their narrow identities.

The Commune will create an alternate circles of life with much more stable interactions and interrelationships.

Osho On Marriage and Children:

Does Marriage Destroy Friendship?

Purba — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 08:30:35 EST

Are you confused too? Wondering whether I am referring to friendship between the couple or friends in general who disappear after you tie the knot. Most of my friends were when I asked them. They were bewildered. Of course, marriage ruins friendship between the couple, most of them insisted.

So what brought this introspection on? A stray statement in the newspaper “Our friendship is so strong even marriage could not destroy it” grabbed my attention. It upset me. I am mostly a happily married woman. My occasional “tragedy queen” phases are entirely my doing.

As a young girl, marriage scared me. I had grown up seeing bickering couples, bored couples, dutiful couples, couples who were doting parents. Happy couples were far and few in between. This relationship seemed like a malaise. Thankfully my sacred union did not scar me. We were good friends and still have managed to remain friends. It is our friendship that has sustained our marriage. Then why were most of my friends adamant insisting that friendship should not be confused with marriage and that they are separate entities? Isn’t friendship the most common form of love! A relationship that entails honesty, vulnerability, companionship and mutual respect!

We all dream of love, of our knight in shining armour, the fearless crusader, with a razor sharp wit and a deep baritone (that’s what I wanted). Perhaps a cross between Amitav Ghosh and Hugh Jackman with a little bit of Dave Barry thrown in? Then we fall in love and marry (not always in that order). The first few years are rosy, but an eye opener too. We discover our knight behaves like a helpless baby when sick. That life is not all about spending cosy evenings together. There are bills to be paid, chores to be taken care of and responsibilities to be shared. Living together forces us to be more realistic. The kids follow. Romance becomes the first casualty. So if someone came and told me “Marriage destroyed our romance” I will happily nod my head in agreement.

I still haven’t got my answer. Do couples after living together for long become two sides of the same coin that can’t face each other? Like a pal rightly said, as friends we do not tread on each other’s toes, are blissfully ignorant of each other’s idiosyncrasies. He burps after each meal. She talks incessantly on the phone. She suffers from Obsessive Cleanliness Disorder (er, that’s me). He just won’t let go of his moth ridden “Mad” magazine collection. As friends it doesn’t matter. The moment we start living together, these traits become an everyday reality capable of driving us up the wall. We nag, sulk, give the silent treatment to each other. Ah, the mind games we play. Every argument becomes a battle with a history of past follies thrown in (the woman with her unfailing memory usually wins hands down). Does it help? Why does sorry become the most difficult word to say? If you have a disagreement, resolve it with an eye to the future which you can change rather than a past that you cannot. Flinging accusations doesn’t change anything; it erodes the basic foundations of the relationship.

For marital friendship to be successful, friendship needs to go beyond the concept of conditional love. We need to be less judgemental, more tolerant of each other. OK, doesn’t mean we turn blind, deaf and mute overnight. Giggle every time he burps or look dotingly every time she embarks on a talkathon. Any successful union is about respecting each other’s space and boundaries. One doesn’t have to like the same movies, books and know each other’s passwords! I just can’t relate to people who have the compulsive need to check each other’s mobiles for messages or snoop around their social networking sites. The biggest failing in a relationship is the inability to trust.

Trust, tolerance and acceptance is what nurtures friendship in a marriage. It is not a battle for supremacy. Marriage is a journey not a destination and the journey is always more pleasurable if your partner is a good companion.

Male Dominance and Historical Wrongs done to Women

Sumanth — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 09:20:34 EST

It is a male dominated world and men control women. It actually looks like a massive conspiracy of global scale for thousands of years. A lot of historical evidence suggests that. For example, women were not allowed to vote till very recent times in human history. Women were burnt after being tortured to confess that they are witches. There are many allegations that women were or are even now treated as property. There are kings and rich who maintained harems of women.

There seem to be huge historical injustice on women. Large numbers of evidences, research and studies for decades point to this historical injustice. It actually appears like a huge crime “against humanity” that such atrocities are committed against women for thousands of years and the world is kept “male dominated”.

Hillary Clinton said in Beijing-95, “Women’s Rights are Human Rights and Human Rights are Women’s Right”. People cheered.

With this awareness of the large scale historical injustices, men have every reason to feel guilty as they have perpetrated all these crimes. Even today men hit, rape and torture women across the world. Many women’s organisations in fact say that the crimes against women across the world are increasing at a rapid rate, which requires urgent action from all men and women in the world.

The picture below shows the dynamics of male-female relationships for thousands of years.

This guilt has made many men to call for “positive discrimination” of men. Said in a simple way, they want men to be denied civil liberties, democratic rights, freedom and dignity. They feel if men across the world are discriminated now, then that will compensate for the historical injustices and create a world that is safe for women.

Now, what’s the problem? The problem is I am an Engineer. The Engineer in me wants to integrate all parts together. Unfortunately, I find all the facts do not fit together.

The kid in me thinks that the rich and the powerful always had higher life expectancy, less diseases, less accidents and better quality of life compared to the slaves. The whites, who discriminated African Americans in US or other places in history had higher life expectancy, lesser diseases and lesser accidents.

If women were treated like slaves and kept deliberately poor in a male dominated society, then how come men have more diseases and lower life expectancy. Why more men die due to suicides or accidents?

This does not fit when I integrate the data and all evidences. I ask, “Did men had better time than women ever in history of humanity?

Then, I found that the Model used to explain “male dominance” is too naive.

The Evolution created a division of labour for men and women. Nature and evolution are violent processes. Anyone who has watched discovery or animal plant even once will agree with me.

The men positioned themselves around the outer periphery of human tribes, fighting against a hostile nature and violent beasts. They took great risks on their lives to hunt and gather food for everyone. Sometimes, they have to fight with other tribes brutally for food so that their own tribe can survive. This shaped men and their attitudes and behaviour for thousands of years.

The advanced model of Relationship between Male, Female and Nature is below:

In this Model of understanding, the nature is most violent entity. The men remained in the outer periphery fighting violence and acted like a cushion for women, children and old people in the central core.

Men absorbed most of the violence directed towards the humans by nature and in the process they risked diseases, injuries and faced death for thousands of years.

Now, how appropriate it is to insult and degrade men claiming that men acted selfishly in history and exploited women for their own betterment?
Will we create a better society, when we go on to degrade and insult our own ancestors for all the sufferings they took on themselves so that the future generations have a better place in this world?

Men absorbed the violence to protect the women, who spent most of their time either remaining pregnant or raising children. There were hardly 20 million humans in this world 5000 years back and children were important for survival of humanity.

However, men cannot absorb all the violence directly from nature and environment; neither all of them have the capacity to heal themselves mentally from all the violence they absorbed in their minds. That creates a domino effect and some violence seeps in to reach the inner core containing women. Now, a whole hue and cry is raised out of the consequences out of that domino effect with rhetoric on “domestic violence” or other violence on women by men.

Even today, most men remain in the periphery protecting the central core of women, children and elders by risking murders, diseases and deaths. Even today, the men are pushed to outer periphery to face “positive discrimination” or violence from state due to gender based civil liberties violations.

It is no fun for men to live in a world unacknowledged for what they contributed or contribute even today.

Ideologues want men to partner them in eliminating violence against women. How can they eliminate violence and create peace, when men are made to live in a red hot high risk zone of unemployment, murders, suicides, violence or accidents?

How can violence against women reduce to zero, when men are denied services or counselling from the state or society to heal themselves?

Are not societies getting closed, judgemental, blind and paranoid about the issues? Is not it going to mislead us all and damage our sense of fairness and rational judgements?

A boy has 3 times more chance to die due to murder, suicide or accident than a girl, when he grows up. Now, are we going to create a better society by denying civil liberties and stereotyping him in schools? Can we discriminate him as he grows up and expect him to make a great partner to a woman?

Men have made great sacrifices for humanity for ages. They have the capacity to make more sacrifices and most importantly, they remain silent about pain and sacrifices unlike women, who go all around cribbing about the headache they got in the afternoon after watching TV.

However, will we have a better society, when we consider it a virtue to insult and invalidate all that men have done or do now?

Is it a male dominated society or “Male-Sacrificing Society”?

Now, let’s go back to Hillary Clinton. She said in Beijing 95, “Women’s Rights are Human Rights and Human Rights are Women’s Rights”.

A school kid can understand what it means according to “set theory”.

It is difficult to live in a society knowing that the society hates you because you are a male. It is difficult to live in a world, when you know that your words will never be trusted by the society. It is difficult to live being continuously apologetic to historical wrongs.

It is difficult to live in a world, where you know that your contributions will not be acknowledged just because you are a male.

Whenever a sparrow flew, Poems of Gwalior

Amitabh Mitra — Tue, 2 Mar 2010 06:24:27 EST

when you wrote with your nose on my arrogance
in close knit whispers of a dark
you said this is just another end
of all those rendezvous on skinstreets
our lips a breath of untoward moments
a tongue curtailing the history of mankind
and you and me
unafraid of galaxies
persisting in us
but today
i won't see you anymore
nor your eyes where I once travelled
in the beginning of another time
nor your smile
of the victor and vanquished in
insane memories
and your saree that draped them always.
today
not far from us are the deserts of innocence
where camels ran the density of moon
and we had once grown there
collaterals of an even wilder sky
today
say again
i haven't lived beyond an ardour
of that lost white flower in your hair
of summers that bled in silence
of the ruby river that woke us up each night
and your smell I have now learned to disbelieve
a death I had always lived
whenever a sparrow flew away
whenever another day arrived.

Poem and Watercolor by Amitabh Mitra

Fiction: Bitter Coffee

IdeaSmith — Tue, 2 Mar 2010 06:22:51 EST

The Corner Coffeeshop was open for business but its traffic was at a lull. It was too early in the evening for the post-work crowd, too late for the students and AC-enjoying unemployed to be hanging around.

Outside, the sun had gone down but that curious combination of atmospheric density and light's acrobatic bending made it seem like daylight was still around.

Such were his thoughts, where another person would have called it twilight. He grimly thought to himself that she would have referred to Van Gogh's 'Starry Nights' while all along he'd be thinking of the diagrams in the physics textbooks about light refraction.

He was already seated on the bar-stool near the window, his bag on the seat next to his, to save it for her. In front of him was a cappuccino. With deliberate precision, he emptied two sachets of sugar into the cup and tossed the empty packets into the dustbin near the end of the table. She preferred espresso shots but he couldn't stand their acrid taste. But he didn't want another lecture on calorie count either.

Outside, the object of his ruminations had just neared the door and was standing but not entering. Then she squared her shoulders, took a deep breath and walked in.

He saw her from the corner of his eye and put down his coffee mid-sip to receive her kiss. To his surprise, she turned, picked his bag off the seat and sat down with it in her lap. A second later, she seemed to have second thoughts and put it on the table.

Then she turned and said in a rush.

I need to tell you something and I need you to not interrupt. I’m going back to Delhi tomorrow.

But…

She held up her hand.

Don’t say anything. I’m going. The ticket is booked. And it’s one-way.

Her face was set in an immovable mask. She looked beautiful. But unrecognizable. Like a cold, marble statue that was displayed in someone else's house.

When you called me here for coffee, I thought you were trying to rekindle the romance in our relationship.

Her stiff expression didn’t change. She hadn’t even put her bag on the table. He tried again.

I know we’ve been arguing. But we’ve been through worse stuff. It’s…what are we doing?

She wavered and in a slightly watery voice said,

You’re having coffee. I’m leaving.

Come on, you don’t have to do this. Let’s talk about this.

Let's not.

she said. And those were her last words to him. He would think about that often. For such a talkative person, she was leaving him with so little. As if she didn't want to spend another precious minute or word on him.

Across the street, she plugged her earphones into her ears and switched on the iPod. It wasn't serendipitous, the song that came up.

Why she had to go, I don't know, she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, I long for yesterday
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.

She'd been listening to the Beatles all evening on her way to the coffeeshop. It helped her relax and focus.

He hadn't said anything wrong. How do you tell someone that they had never said anything right in the first place? How do you explain that after three years? And how do you erase the memory of your own wrong choices?

You don't. You just stop and turn away.

She turned the corner and stopped under the street lamp. She asked herself, shall I reconsider? and turned to look in the direction of the coffeeshop.

It was dark now and the bright lights of The Corner Coffeeshop were attracting their clientele in now. She couldn't see him anymore, there were too many people around. Night had fallen.

Should I?

And in the same breath, the thought crystallized into realisation.

Let me not.

She took a deep breath and walked away.

Coffee was never going to be anything but bitter after this.

Ten Dating Don'ts For Men

IdeaSmith — Mon, 1 Mar 2010 11:52:46 EST

So I just read this article by [Redacted] Guy (yes, that’s what he calls himself) about the ten things he wishes his dates wouldn’t do while out with him. He asks for suggestions, so here are mine. Considering it’s a long list (List! List! My favorite word again!), I put it up as a post. Here’s what I soooo wish guys wouldn’t do when on a date with me.

1. Staring at my bust

There is just no excuse for this. Without entirely condoning it, I’m willing to see that a random guy on a bus or across the street may do this. He has the right to look where he wants. And I have the right to mentally strike him off my list of people I would ever go out with. But when I’m on a date with you, I don’t have that option anymore. Not at least till the end of the date, I’m at least that nice. Be nice to me and don’t treat me like a sex object the very minute we start the date.

2. Ogling other women

This follows from the first since some men use the excuse that ‘I can’t look at you so I’ll look at others’. We’re out on a date. That means you and I are getting together to spend some time with each other. Focus on the last three words. One date does not tie you to me but it does warrant the courtesy of your undivided attention at least.

3. Boasting

Showing off probably comes naturally to the male species especially when in the presence of the opposite sex. Animals do it, insects do it and human men do it too. Only don’t go on and on about it. The showing off is a mating ritual among the aforementioned life forms and ceases once the connection has been made. Assume that the connection has been made the minute the date has been accepted. There’s really no reason to go on and on about the number of foreign trips you go on, how earth-shatteringly important you are to your company, how you were having tea last week with the Dalai Lama and how many thousand books you read in the past year. It’s off-putting and most importantly it’s boring. I tuned out the minute you started throwing numbers at me.

4. Not listening at all

It’s a conversation. That means both people talk and listen. Talk some, I’ll listen. Then I’ll talk and you need to do more than stare around the room, ask the waiter for refills and interrupt to tell me about the movie I saw. Believe me, I could interest you with more than my bust. I have a sense of humour, an opinion and intelligence too. Give me a chance to let you see that too.

5. Calling me things like ‘Babe’, ‘Sweetheart’ or ‘Honeybun’

It’s a first date. I could be your girlfriend but I’m not, yet. We could be friends but we haven’t gotten to the place, right now. Undue familiarity and worse, sexist phrases are instant turn-offs. I have a name, use it. I might permit you to give me a nickname, but at least be original.

6. Playing SuperShrink

You’ve probably heard that women dabble in pop psychology. Maybe I have issues. Everyone does, it’s normal. Don’t put me under a microscope and psycho-analyze me on a date. It’s immensely offensive to tell me I am afraid of getting too close to men because of my Electra complex. If you’re a doctor, that’s work during a leisure activity. BORING. If you’re not a doctor, it tells me you’re just being a creep.

7. Caveating

It’s not cool to be commitment-phobic. I am not concerned with how messy your love life has been so far or how busy you are at work. You can go for a movie alone or have lunch on your own if those are true. If this date is happening, it’s because you agreed to it. Don’t waste my time and yours by coming to a date and then telling me why it can’t go further. If it’s not coming along as well as you thought, just tell me so. I may be disappointed but that’s better than being disgusted. If you’re that terrified of telling me the truth, at least wait till the date’s over. Don’t scuttle it while it’s in progress.

I wanted this list to be a ‘Ten things..’ but I’ve only managed seven. Does that mean men have fewer annoying habits on dates? Or does it mean that women are more permissive? Hmm? Women, add to these if you think up any others. Well, men you may too.

Satire: A Reasonable Dog

Subroto Pant — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 08:10:31 EST

'You ought to be ashamed of yourself", said Nawab, nibbling away at the bag of chips.

"ME? Now what have I done?" I asked, cursing the day this opinionated hound came into my care. That's right "hound" was what I had said and I am not going into it again, the whole story is somewhere out there on the net if you care to find it. In short, Nawab my talking dog given to me by my Pakistani friend now resident in Canada (the friend not the dog unfortunately).

"You shouldn't have got the cat. You know I am allergic to them".

"Ridiculous. You are only sulking since the cat started sleeping in your basket".

"Am not, I only want the cat to acknowledge that this is a dog's household. That cat has to learn that we live here by doggie rules. All it needs to do is respect my sentiments, why can't a cat be more like a dog?".

"Come on, you are being unreasonable. Its a nice cat, surely there is something about it that you like".

"Well some of that cat food is not bad and I do watch Garfield on TV. Why some of my best friends have been cats. Just let the cat know that I came to this house first, return my basket and all my toys. The cat can then stay if you like".

On that note, he promptly made for the fridge nudged open the door and started nosing around.

"So where is the cat going to sleep now?", I asked.

"Oh put it in the kennel outside, I said I am a reasonable dog", said he munching on the chicken as it started to pour outside.

Twitter Fiction: Twocial Etiquette

IdeaSmith — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 02:28:40 EST

“And this is Kunal.”

“Are you on Twitter?”

“Yes, I’m @c00nal.”

“I don’t think I FOLLOW you.”

“I don’t follow you either.”

Kunal frowns as he turns to the Hot Dog stand.

“I think I hurt his ego a bit.”

“You just met!”

“Social boo-boo, telling someone you don’t follow them on Twitter.”

“What rubbish, nobody cares about these things.”

“Some people do. Maybe he’s one of them. Shit, I blew it.”

“Shh, he’s back. Ice-creams? Isn’t that too…I don’t know…something?”

“Ice-cream is cool.”

“Or maybe it’s c00nal.”

“No, this is c00nal.”

He says, holding out a spoon with a bit of ice-cream stuck to it. It’s green, not an appealing shade for food, she thinks.

“Ooh, you got her an ice-cream, c00nal?”

“A bite-sized version.”

He grins.

“A twitterized ice-cream.”

She replies, smiling back as she takes the spoon.

Every Place is Kansas Now, Tiger

Aaman Lamba — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 09:51:24 EST

Watching Tiger Woods apologize on television yesterday was a disconcerting sight. One was more used to seeing the iconic golfer talk about his game and recent victories. He seemed robotic and uncomfortable. In the end, his apology rambled for too long and didn't quite convince one to pick up the phone and call now, operators standing by. If it was intended as an apology, it stank. If it was an advertisement, it didn't sell the brand - it perhaps diminished it further.

Tiger Woods had no real reason to apologize to the public. He said what he had to say to his family and his sponsors. That being said, perhaps the role of the public figure does make him accountable to some extent to the people at large, but even so, he was apologizing for what will likely not change.

I visited the Kinsey Institute in Bloomington, Indiana, the other day and was struck by how ornate a facade we create around our basic identities. Dr. Alfred Kinsey painstakingly documented the various facets of human sexuality in the 1930s and 40s. When his books were published there was a general uproar, but much of what he documented as outre and the exhibits on display from the period seem quite commonplace today. Our perceptions of sexuality have changed so much in the intervening period that much of it does not shock, as it must have in those days.

Certain tenets still seem to hold good though. Years after Harvey Milk and others tore down the closets people had forced them into, men still resort to lurking in lonely chatrooms and truck stops to find solace. People still make up entire false lives to cover up their basic need to explore or just to have sex. Moral police barge into private homes and expose consensual doings, demanding the 'perpetrators' pay a price for their 'sins'. Celebrities are expected to lead sacrosanct lives, even if that means more pulchritude is shoved under the proverbial carpet than it can bear, until inevitably, the curtain falls and we are left with the sad man behind the Wizard.

Dorothy, it looks like every place is Kansas now.

One Day, This Too Will Pass

Subroto Pant — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 09:06:25 EST

One day this too will pass. Each day on social interaction sites on the web, people log in, lurk, comment, fight and flirt with random strangers. They are drawn by the daily fix of interacting on sites that draws them in each time.
- I am leaving now and I mean it.
- No I ain't never coming back again.
- You don't deserve me ingrates.
- Yo! Wassup guys? Did ya miss me?

But it is quite possible that we never come back again. Life is short and not all of us wander around the earth in our 900th year. The first time a friend died was when I was in year six. I had left him behind, in the old cantonment town near Pune, to go and study far away in Nainital. He died due a sun stroke while I lived on in the cool air of a hill station.

Then there was 'dog'. Behind the bluster and fights lived a teen that needed love. Some of us loved boarding schools, but we had gone there because our parents wanted the best for us. There were others who were dumped because their parents had no time for them. That was dog's story too. He survived a horrendous year when his right hand was fractured in many places and he spent the whole year in a cast. Then we broke off for holidays and when we came back I looked for him until someone told me his story. His plaster off and freedom regained, he got on a moped to drive around the city. In another freak accident the door of a car flung open and he crashed into it. He died on the spot.

'Sam' had been accepted in the Masters program of his choice in US. It was his last Holi in Delhi and time to live it up. When we had wound down he was still going strong and drove off to Bhadkhal Lake. It was late in the evening when they decided to head back home but when the truck collided with his motorcycle he didn't have a chance.

M came back in a body bag from his first posting in Kashmir, whatever pieces of him that they found anyway. His father, a decorated soldier himself, had to ask his wife to not look at the remains, lest it sullied the memory of her son. This time there were children involved as he left behind a three year old and one year old son, and the wife he had married overriding objections in the family.

Last year it was JP's turn, JP who was my classmate in school. Originally a year senior, he joined us in year eight. Loud, noisy, in-your-freaking-face-so-what-you-going-to-do crazy JP. Mad about sports and good at it too, in each and team representing the school. The first person to initiate soccer game during a break, sorting out teams to play, endless energy that never seemed to burn out. And gone from our midst before his children hit their teens.

Each death came at a different stage in life. Each one reminded me that it's not just the old and the infirm that get taken away. That life does change in an instance, in the blink of an eye. Memories remain and then they too fade away.

Take care, stay well.