Desicritics Category: Culture: Family

Children, Adults, and Other Animals

Vinod Joseph — Tue, 2 Dec 2008 12:09:21 EST

Recently I read the results of a study on children carried out in the UK which said that more than half the British population believed that children behave like animals. More than half the respondents of the study said that children were increasingly a danger to others. More than one-third of those surveyed also agreed that "it feels like the streets are infested" with children, while 43% said something had to be done to protect adults. Half the respondents did not have much sympathy for children who got into trouble and didn’t think they might need professional help.

I was not surprised by the result of this study. In the last 6 years which I have spent in the UK, I have heard many adults express absolute hatred for children. Married couples have proudly told me that not only do they not plan to have kids, but they don’t like kids in the first place. In the UK, it is still illegal to breastfeed a child in public, though it is not illegal to drink in public (I am not against either activity). Passengers in trains and buses raise eyebrows if a baby starts bawling – why should I be inconvenienced by your child is the usual attitude, though a loud mouthed drunk will be cheerfully tolerated.

On the flip side, I have also seen gangs of children terrorise adults. Entire streets become no-go zones after dark, taken over by mobs of children whose ages range from six to sixteen. In some towns where there is high unemployment, it is common to see children playing truant and wandering around in groups even in the daytime. I’ve seen adults travelling in public transport cower into corners when a bunch of children wander in. Child gangs frequently assault people and commit robberies.

This is not to say that they are no well-mannered or hard-working children in the UK. Most children of middle-class parents in the UK are very well-behaved, in fact better behaved than children in India. I have many colleagues and friends who spend a substantial amount of their free time with their children. I had a (male) colleague who took a few weeks off to help his thirteen year old son prepare for entrance exams to a well-known public school. In all probability, the number of ‘good’ children in the UK exceeds the number of ‘bad’ children, but since the ‘good children are not as visible as the ‘bad’ ones, UK’s ‘children’ problem is bound to catch your eye if you live in the UK for more than a week.

There are various theories advanced for this state of affairs in the UK, which is not seen anywhere else even in the western world. The breakup of the family is usually cited as the main reason, though other European countries where family units have broken down do not seem to have similar problems with their children. In the UK, corporal punishment is banned in school. Parents are allowed to mildly smack their children, though any punishment that leaves a mark on a child can land a parent in jail. Interestingly, various European countries such as Norway, Austria, Germany etc. have totally banned any form of parental punishment that involves violence. The rationale is that no human being should have the right to use physical force against another and children very much fall within the definition of ‘human being’.

The situation in India and other Asian countries is in stark contrast to that in the UK. Asian children are pampered to an extent that may be described as ‘unhealthy.’ In some cases, both sets of dotting grandparents are at hand to do the pampering. Children are brought up to believe that they are the most important thing in their parents’ lives. A working woman who has her child taken care of by a nanny or in a day care centre is looked up on with suspicion, as if she is neglecting a sacred duty. Many Indian schools expect their pupils to receive full-time attention from at least one parent, which will invariably be the mother. There are some schools which refuse to admit students if both parents hold full-time jobs. I have always believed that Indian schools teach their children too much unnecessary stuff and give them too much homework (instead of wrapping up studies during school hours), but that’s for another post.

Every time I’ve travelled by air, the most unruly children are the Asian kids, who seem to be incapable of sitting still. Indian parents tend to believe that their children are entitled to make a nuisance of themselves wherever they are and others have a duty to put up with it. Recently there have been a few stories of how Indians have started to refuse to make allowances for children in public places, but by and large, strangers in India are willing to tolerate the shenanigans of children in public places.

In a way I am glad more and more Indians are starting to demand that parents not inflict their children on others, though I don’t think I would like to see India reach the same position as the UK is currently in. I have always taken the view that what’s usually branded as ‘western culture’ is actually the culture of urbanisation and industrialisation, though Japan stands out as an exception to this. As India progresses economically (at least it did till the recent recession and terror attacks in Mumbai), its culture is bound to follow a trajectory similar to that taken by western countries many decades ago. There will be more and more nuclear families, single parents and broken homes as is currently the case in the western world. However, it remains to be seen if Indian society will reach a stage where it has the sort of ‘children problems’ which UK currently has.

In my opinion, continental European countries like France, Italy and Germany are in a much better position than the UK vis-à-vis children. In these countries, one doesn’t hear of children having such a strained relationship with their parents or having serious drinking or drug-related problems. It is difficult to pinpoint the reasons for this disparity among European nations, but if India continues to industrialise and urbanise, I hope it ends up in the continental European position rather than the British one.

Saving India's Missing Girls

Somik Raha — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 14:10:15 EST

In the second piece of the Gems of the Planet series (the first was My Friend, the Landlord), we continue with the same criteria for our gems:

Feel the suffering of others as their own and cannot rest until they've done something to alleviate it
Have compassion for all, especially those they seek to transform

I found this gem in an unexpected place - a film screening at Stanford of India's Missing Girls, a documentary made by Ashok Prasad of the BBC. The documentary portrayed a grim picture and dispelled several myths:

Several women interviewed preferred male babies and would prefer to terminate female foetuses of their own accord.
Educated women too do this, especially in business families to ensure that the fortune remains in the family
In some cases, when the woman is unwilling, the family puts a lot of pressure, and sometimes forces the mother to abort
The director presented statistics after the film screening. The highest number of female abortions are done by Jains, followed by Sikhs, followed by either Buddhists or Hindus (I forget which). I remember being shocked by this statistic, because I expected Hindus to be at the top. Nothing can prepare one to accept that Jains are the #1 offender as Jain philosophy is the pinnacle of non-violence. I guess I am too naive to believe that people follow the philosophy they were born into.
The fact that women were electing to abort foetuses confounded the pro-choice people in the audience (should they say: we want women to have choice, but not that much choice?)

However, in the middle of all these depressing facts was a shining gem. The film revolves around a remarkable woman, Sandhya Puchalapalli, who founded the Arti Home in Cuddappah, to save female foetuses from abortion. Sandhya studied the circumstances that lead people to abort their female children, and she tackled several problems. First, she has a crib outside the nursing home that allows families to anonymously place babies whom they'd otherwise kill or abandon (with the same outcome). This takes care of the fear of legal repercussions, and saves the life of the baby who is then raised in the home in a loving environment with a focus on nutrition and education. Second, she keeps a strong connection with the community around her and knows who is pregnant. She then connects with them to talk about their aspirations for their baby. When they tell her that they will abort if it is a girl, she reasons with them in a remarkably non-judgmental way. I know many who'd hit the parents if they heard something like this. Not Sandhya. She goes back on a regular basis, explaining that a girl child is not useless and deserves a lot of love, the same as a boy child. The film follows the interaction with one couple and how the mother comes around from a position of fear to one of joy where she eagerly waits for her daughter and does not abort.

What makes Sandhya stand out from all the other activists I know is that, time after time in the film, she has only compassionate words for parents who decide to abort, particularly to avoid dowry. She says, "Just imagine what the parents must be going through to have come to this decision?" Even when she is face-to-face with the parents, she has no anger or hatred, but understanding and compassion. A poignant moment of the film is when Sandhya receives a baby who is born premature. After getting the baby medical help, Sandhya goes to the local temple to pray for the child's life. When the child does not make it, she is heartbroken. Even then, she has no harsh words for the parents who abandoned the baby.

Caring for unwanted children, feeling their pain and doing something to save their lives beyond yelling and criticizing in media platforms is rare. Generating compassion for the parents who feel compelled to abort their children and not seeing them as the "other" is rarer still. While one miracle is documented in the film (the change of heart of one family), I am sure she works many such miracles with her attitude. I sincerely hope I get to meet this remarkable lady in person.

If you are in Cuddappah and meet her, do share your stories with me. Arti Home is supported by the Vijay Foundation Trust.

P. Sainath and Farmers' Suicides in India

Siddhartha Shome — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 01:09:05 EST

P. Sainath is one of India's most exalted journalists today. Last year he was awarded a Ramon Magsaysay Award for "his passionate commitment as a journalist to restore the rural poor to India's consciousness, moving the nation to action".

I read Sainath's writing occasionally, and last week attended a talk by him at the University of California at Berkeley. Here are some of my thoughts on Sainath and farmers' suicides in India - an issue with which Sainath in intimately connected.

Why Sainath is Important

Today's English educated urban upper middle class India remains almost totally ignorant of rural India. An English language journalist seriously interested in rural India is the rarest of rare creatures. It is therefore remarkable that Sainath has decided to devote his career to reporting about rural India. What is even more remarkable is that Sainath, with his passion and eloquence has been able to successfully carve out a space for himself in the India's English language media.

For this reason alone, Sainath deserves much acclaim.

Farmers' Suicides: Why Sainath's Analysis is Deeply Flawed

Sainath is a remarkable journalist. However, he does not limit himself to reporting. Though he does not claim any expertise as a researcher or an economist, he offers a very stark analysis of the problems of rural India. While I am in agreement with some parts of his analysis (the existence of an agrarian crisis, the negative impact of industrialized countries' farm subsidies, etc.), I feel that much of Sainath's analysis is, sadly, deeply flawed.

Sainath's Analysis

The issue most closely associated with Sainath is farmers' suicides. According to him, the story goes like this:
1. In recent years there has been a huge surge in farmers' suicides in rural India.
2. Farmers' suicides are driven by indebtedness.
3. Rising agricultural input costs are responsible for much of the debt.
4. Corporations, freer markets, and globalization are responsible for the rise in input costs, and hence are the root cause of farmers' suicides.

Thanks largely to Sainath, the issue of farmers' suicides in India has become something of a cause celebre in the global anti-globalization movement today.

The Reality of Farmers' Suicides in India

Sainath's uses data from India's National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB) to support his narrative. According to the NCRB data, the total number of suicides in India has risen from 95,829 in 1997 to 118,112 in 2006. This works out to an annual growth rate of 2.4%. India's population, meanwhile, has grown at 1.93% annually (between 1991 and 2001).

Above: Total suicides and farmers' suicides in India (reference)

Above: Farmers' suicides as a percentage of total suicides (reference)

It is evident from the data that over the last 10 years, the number of suicides in India has grown only slightly, especially when adjusted for a growing population. Even farmers' suicides as a percentage of total suicides in India has been fairly constant at around 15%.

Clearly, it is a false notion that farmers' suicide rates in India have shot up dramatically in the last few years.

Farmers' Suicides in Yavatmal District in Maharashtra

While the notion of a huge surge in farmers' suicides in India is largely false, maybe there are pockets where farmers' suicides represent a serious problem.

Let us take a closer look at Yavatmal District in the Vidarbha region of Maharashtra, considered by Sainath as the epicenter of the farmers' suicide crisis. An investigation into farmers' suicides in Yavatmal District was carried out by Meeta and Ravilochan in conjunction with the Yashwantrao Chavan Academy of Development Administration (YASHADA). The findings were published in 2006 in a book called Farmers Suicide: Facts and Possible Policy Interventions. The following are some of the points from this book.

Yavatmal District has the highest suicide rate in Maharashtra.

For the years studied, the total number of suicides in Yavatmal District was 640, 819, 832, 787 and 786, in 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, and 2004, respectively. In each of these years, suicides of farmers and agricultural workers represented 23, 24, 23, 22, and 30 percent, respectively, of all suicides.

The researchers conducted case studies for individual farmers' suicides in Yavatmal District. A total of 148 case studies are presented in the book. To give a flavor of these case studies, two are very briefly described below.

Case 46. A 45 year old farmer who committed suicide by consuming poison in 2004. He had 3 acres of land. There was a crop loan of Rs. 3954 taken in 2001 from the Primary Agricultural Credit Society, which remained unpaid. In 2003-04 he spent Rs. 10,000 in treating his wife who was a psychiatric patient at a private clinic.
Case 120. A 50 year old farmer who committed suicide by consuming poison in 2004. He had 19 acres of land. There was an outstanding loan of Rs. 33,000 with the Bank of Maharashtra, and another outstanding loan of Rs. 8,000 from the Primary Agricultural Credit Society. In 2004 he spent Rs. 60,000 on the marriage of his second daughter. He used to drink alcohol and also gamble. He was having an affair with his bhabhi (sister-in-law). His affair had been discovered shortly before his suicide.

According to the authors of this study,

We found that while indebtedness was rampant, there was little clarity: was it disabling, to what extent, and who was responsible. On one side, indebtedness as high as 75% has been reported since the early 20th century but it was not considered disabling. On the other side, in the early 21st century, only 14% of the victims had indebtedness that resulted in alienation of land and/or animals. Moreover, we discovered that a loan from a rapacious relative rather than a bank or moneylender was often the cause of economic distress of the victim.

What comes out clearly from this study of farmer suicides is that each suicide is a unique and complex phenomenon - the reasons and motivations are varied and multifaceted. To find a single cause, one can certainly try to look for common threads running through the suicides, but one must keep in mind that this is bound to be a substantial oversimplification of a highly complex and multidimensional phenomenon.

Implausible and Plausible Causes of Farmers' Suicides

Sainath attributes farmers' suicides to rising indebtedness. How plausible is his reasoning?

It is true that most farmers who have committed suicides have outstanding loans against them. But can that be isolated as the single most important cause for suicide? The fact is that most farmers who do not commit suicide also have outstanding loans against them. To me, things like poor farm productivity, medical problems, social pressure to spend lavishly on a daughter's wedding, etc., seem to be at least as important as debt - if not more so - in driving people to suicide.

Sainath's further attribution of blame to economic liberalization, globalization, "the neoliberal agenda", etc., are even more implausible. As can be seen clearly from the NCRB data, the crisis of farmers' suicides is not a nationwide phenomenon, but is visible only in certain pockets. Surely it make sense to look for local factors, not just national or global factors. Nation-wide issues like growing cash crops (instead of food crops) are equally applicable to farmers in, say, Gujarat. So how come there are so few suicides among cotton farmers in Gujarat?

A much more plausible cause for cotton farmers' distress in Maharashtra is provided by Sharad Joshi, leader of the Shetkari Sanghatana, an important farmers' organization in Maharashtra. According to Joshi, the primary villain is the Maharashtra State Cotton Monopoly Procurement Scheme - a mechanism that makes the state government the sole buyer of cotton in Maharashtra, and despite promises, usually pays farmers less than prevailing market prices. Cotton farmers in Gujarat, who, by contrast, enjoy access to markets, a state government that invests in infrastructure, and access to new technologies, are witnessing unprecedented prosperity.

Suicides as a Development Indicator

Every suicide is an incredibly sad event. However, a basic question that must be asked is: how valid is suicide rate as an indicator of human development?

Above: Comparison of suicide rates

According to Jean Dreze and Amartya Sen, both eminent developmental economists,

The relevance of the suicide rate as a basic development indicator is far from clear. Indeed, many countries with high suicide rates (e.g., the Scandinavian countries) are doing extremely well in terms of overall social opportunities, and it would be quite odd to take their high suicide rates as a severe indictment of their development record. Suicide rates do correlate with specific social problems such as high rates of unemployment or divorce ... and it is quite possible that problems of this kind contribute to the high rate of suicide in Kerala. But these problems, such as they are, do not detract from Kerala's achievements in other, more fundamental fields such as health and education, just as - say - Finland's high suicide rate does not detract from its success in guaranteeing extensive social opportunities to its citizens.

Farmers' Suicide Crisis in Perspective

Sainath depicts farmers' suicides as one of the worst humanitarian crises facing India. So here are some statistics to keep things in proper perspective.

1. In 2006, 17,060 farmers committed suicide in India.

2. Every year in India some 400,000 to 500,000 children under the age of five die from diarrhea. Diarrhea and other waterborne infectious diseases can be easily prevented simply by improving the infrastructure for drinking water and sanitation.

3. In India some 35,000 people die every year from rabies, i.e., every year twice as many Indians die from rabies alone as from farmers' suicides. Rabies can be very easily prevented, simply by removing stray dogs from public areas.

4. Some 4,000 people die every year in accidents in the Mumbai Suburban Railway system alone (Mumbai city's mass transit system). This is just one example of the enormous numbers of accidents and fatalities that plague India's transportation system - a result of woefully inadequate infrastructure a virtual absence of even basic safety features.

Such statistics (and there are many more) point to the need for more, not less, economic growth and development in India.

India's Agrarian Crisis

While I disagree with Sainath on many things, I do agree with him that India is facing an agrarian crisis.

One need not look for clues to India's agrarian crisis in suicide statistics - there are many other more obvious pointers, such as anemic growth in agricultural output. The figure below of yield-per-hectare of foodgrains in India illustrates this problem.

Above: Foodgrains yield in India (reference)

This figure points to the issue that is at the heart of India's agrarian crisis: after a period of rapid growth during the Green Revolution, agricultural productivity in India has tapered off. As a result, farm incomes are under pressure. This is in sharp contrast to the industrial and service sectors of the economy, which are currently booming.

Economic Liberalization and Agriculture

In India the government started a process of economic liberalization in 1991, which aimed to move India away from a Soviet-style statist economic model to a much more free market oriented economic model. Anti-globalizers like Sainath blame economic liberalization for the agrarian crisis in India. I disagree completely. I think it is exactly the opposite - that it is not economic liberalization but rather the lack of it in the agricultural sector that is to blame. If increased economic freedom has made Indian industry boom, why should Indian agriculture be denied the same opportunity?

Below are two examples of how economic liberalization can help Indian farmers.

Consider farmland. Farming in India is not a particularly lucrative profession. It is thus no surprise that, according to a major survey, as many as 40% of Indian farmers would like to give up farming if they had a choice. I think it is important to give these farmers the liberty to monetize the most important asset that they possess - their land - and use the capital to embark on alternative ventures if they so desire. Unfortunately, India's stringent and stifling land regulations do not allow this to happen. According to Barun Mitra,

Indian industry can raise capital from the global market on the basis of a prospectus, which promises performance in the future. But Indian farmers can't raise adequate capital on the basis of the land asset which they already possess.... It is critical that the value of the land of farmers, often their only asset, is maximized, and it is made simple to capitalize. The problem facing the poor is not their poverty, but inability to capitalize their assets... Restrictions such as zoning, land ceiling and land use laws, along with unclear titles and poor land records, grossly undervalue land prices. ... The result is a greatly distorted land market. At one end, there are landowners, millions of small and marginal farmers, who can't even know the market value of their land. At the other end, there are the land mafia and speculators.

Consider farm technology. Like any other sector, to increase productivity, agriculture too needs new and innovative technologies. The good news is that recent advances in fields like biotechnology, genetic engineering, etc., offer immense promise. The bad news is that, partly in response to demands from anti-globalization groups, strict restrictions and prohibitions have been imposed on these new technologies.

Gail Omvedt, an American-born Indian scholar who married into a farming family in India has this to say,

Behind the appeal of the campaign is a distorted image of farmers ... which depicts them romantically but demeaningly as backward, tradition-loving, innocent and helpless creatures carrying on with their occupation for love of the land and the soil, and as practitioners of a "way of life" rather than a toilsome income-earning occupation. These imagined farmers have to be protected from market forces and the attacks of multinationals, from the seductions of commercialization and the enslavement of technologies...

Farmers may love the land they work on ... But they are people who are trying to scratch out a living, who want a better life for their children and for whom farming is a source of income and not a very good income. They are familiar with hybrid seeds ... They buy them, try them out, and refuse to use them if they do not perform... Farmers are economic actors and capable of making choices.

The way to overcome widespread poverty is to increase opportunities for people to fully utilize their own talents and abilities. I believe that if given the opportunity, most human beings will be able to overcome poverty through their own enterprise and hard work. For this, economic liberalization and better market access are vitally necessary.

This is not to suggest that the market is the solution to all problems. Markets need to be well regulated, with regulations designed to increase choice rather than stifle initiative. And because not everybody will have the ability and the luck to succeed in a dynamic market environment, especially during periods of downturn and crisis, social safety nets must accompany free markets.

Story Versus Analysis

Even though I disagree with much of Sainath's analysis, I can see where he is coming from. He is a journalist - a very good journalist - who is on the lookout for a story that a section of his audience can connect with. His urban English newspaper reading audience, immersed in a post-industrial economy, probably has very little serious knowledge or interest in obscure issues like Maharashtra's cotton procurement system, or in mundane problems like stray dogs and rabies. It is only the anti-globalization ideological angle of Sainath's story - whether real or imagined - that makes it interesting to some of his readers.

Reasoned analysis is sacrificed to produce a story that a particular section of the metropolitan audience will find engaging. Good reporting is lost in the blind rhetoric of anti-globalization.

Temporary Mates

Deepti Lamba — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 00:54:23 EST

When kittens get affectionate with their human surrogate mother, it's time to give them away. Zoey's kittens are nearly two months old. They emerged from under my cupboard a week ago and decided the entire house was their playground and I was their second mama.

They followed Zoey's example to become self sufficient. They litter trained themselves, took to food on their own and decided I was a safe mate as well.

I tried my best not to fall in love with them. I knew a day will come when we will bid them adieu and get back to having two cats. But those fluff balls began to hunt me down systematically.

They continue to greet me by pouncing on my feet, meow plaintively or snuggle up against me while I watch television in the living room and recently they have taken up to sleeping on me at night if I doze off in the living room.

Zoey watches their antics with gentle benevolence. Kensei shows fatherly affection and keeps them in line. Its a perfect family that reflects innocence and forwards unconditional love.

The problem is, I make an unwilling member in that feline circle of affection. I am the Judas who will bring turbulence in their tiny lives, push them out of their secure haven and into a world that may not treat them kindly.

Part of me feels apprehensive even for those kittens I know for sure will go to loving homes. Its a motherly anxiety that I am trying to dampen.

One of our friends will be coming over to take one of the kittens. He is quite excited about adopting a fluff ball but i still feel twinges of unfounded concern. I want to make the transition as comfortable as possible for the little one. Give advice and worse of all I want to visit his home once the kitten has settled in to see how the kitten is doing.

Obviously, I will apply restrain over my irrational fears, turn my heart into a stone when Zoey calls out to her given away kittens and put away the home made kitten toys.

I will miss those pesky little brats.

Survival of the Creative Fittest

Suresh Naig — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 06:41:46 EST

It was just 4 years since I was married; the euphoria of love marriage had drained for my wife, which was replaced by other weighty and worldly things. Her warmth and compassion towards me had seen several ups and downs, putting even the Sensex to shame.

Whatever she had admired and loved in me during our courtship, she felt, had turned against her. She liked my openness and friendly nature, which had ensured a large friends’ circle for me. The same friends, whom she felt, I earned due to my humorous and witty nature, had become hindrances in her opinion, prying on our privacy.

She was very creative; even till date she continues to be one, she started focusing her creativity in turning my friends into foes. It was the age old tactics, which she adopted. Comparing my inadequacy with their positive side, so much so she had the knack in picking up only the positive side of each of my friends, and pitted it against my negative sides.

She had compared me with a friend of mine, who was very considerate in helping his wife in domestic chores, but he being a “Harry Potter” did not bother her. His name is Hari and who was fond of “pot”, the fact which she conveniently forgot, and never took it up for comparison. Or for that matter with another friend, who never missed an opportunity in gifting his wife, at times for as flimsy a reason as cooking palatable food, yet he being a “Birbal” didn’t bother her. My wife knew he had earned the nick name, for his unbridled love for ale, turning his tummy to the shape of a beer barrel, which was never taken up for comparison.

All her tactics failed to evoke the desired effect and it never impacted me, for two reasons. The day I decided to get married, I had resolved not to get provoked, a euphemism for thick skin. Another reason for her failure was, my creativity being a shade better than her. I told her, ‘if you want me to imbibe all good things from all my friends, soon you may feel that you are sleeping with a stranger than me. I am what I am, and others are what they are’. Still it failed to cut ice with her.

Eventually I told her to put all the things she didn’t like about me on a paper and I would do the same thing about her. She agreed readily, for she was confident that my paper would be blank, but I proved her wrong.

She could manage only two sheets of paper and 30 minutes, but I went with more than six sheets of paper, and well past an hour. I was enjoying her discomfort and anxiety to look into what I was writing, but I refused to show her. We had neatly put our papers into separate envelopes, pasted and as agreed, the waiting started. We had agreed earlier to open it only in bedroom in the night. I was not at all anxious to look into what she had written, as I knew it verbatim, having listened to it for long. I could also predict the reaction of my wife, on witnessing my scribbling.

And it was as I expected. Tears welling up in her eyes she started punching me, followed by a tight hug, whispering in my ear, ‘you dirty sweet scoundrel, I love you too, though you don’t deserve’.

All the six sheets of paper contained only one line, repeated like an imposition writing, as we did in our school. And it was,

“I love you, for what you are, and not you will”.

A Letter to My Father

Kishore — Sun, 2 Nov 2008 00:57:28 EDT

Dear Father,

How I wish to start with a "How are you doing?". Everybody who leads a normal life does so. But mine ceased to be normal on this very day, 16 years ago. The day when a pang of insecurity struck me like I were stripped naked in the middle of the road on a winter night.

That day they brought you home cold, after you spent a whole day in ice. I reached out to you with my little fingers and felt your unshaven cheek. It felt chill - a chill that ran down my spine and has stayed there ever since. Life was about to change forever.

Four days before, it was Diwali. You were already struggling to hold on to your life, while I sat home beside the window - from where you used to show me ta-ta as I walked out to school every morning - watching fireworks. Fireworks are a mark of joy. But it was my first Diwali without you near me and I didn't seem like hearing any of the cracking noise they made - it was as if my Diwali was muted. I hoped you'll be back with me for the next Diwali, and I'll make up for this time and it'll be happy times all over again.

You loved me in every way a child could be loved. When you save sweets from your colleague's birthday party, bring it carefully wrapped within your black Safari briefcase and I run across the living room to tug your legs the moment you return from work, or even while giving me a piece of your mind for not doing my Math homework properly. You know, there was this day when I noted down my Math questions to discuss with you, only to quickly realize you'll never be back home anymore.

I feel I should've told you someday that you were very kind to me, and that I loved you more than anything else in this world. I'm sure you would've loved to hear those words from your little kid. But I was barely 12 years old. Hardly old enough to even define my feelings in proper words. I thought when I grow up into my teens, I'll sit face-to-face and talk with you like the way Men do. I'll be a man of the house, and we'll talk family, finance and other such big stuff that grown-ups do. Little did I realize, that those days were never meant to be.

People started feeling sorry for me. "Oh, I'm so sorry","it's so unfortunate", they would say, whenever I happen to tell them my dad was no more. It felt soothing initially, but now I've grown weary of it. Years of repeating my story and listening to how sad they felt for me, has made me thick-skinned to sympathies. Yes, I'm unfortunate, and thank you for being sorry.

On that day when they brought you home cold, a part of me stopped growing up. That part of me continues to be the little 12 year old kid. It longs for your hug, runs across the living room to tug your legs the moment you return from work and dreams of growing up with you. It still lives with you in the same old apartment. And it'll someday tell you how much I miss you. Miss you, Dad.

Polygamy: Why The Step-Motherly Treatment?

Vinod Joseph — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 12:41:18 EDT

As India intensively debates the demand for decriminalisation of homosexuality, there is growing consensus everywhere that two consenting adults ought to have the freedom to do almost anything they like as long as they don't harm anyone else. Homosexuality is not a crime anywhere in the West. In most Western countries, homosexuals have the right to marry or enter into civil partnerships.

Whilst this is encouraging, I find it surprising that a a similar debate is totally lacking with respect to polygamy. In my opinion, if two consenting adults can do what they like in the privacy of their bedrooms and beyond, three or four or more consenting adults should have a similar right.

Polygamy is a generic term used to describe a situation where an individual (male or female) has multiple spouses. When a man has many wives or partners, it is called Polygyny. When a woman has many husbands or partners, it is called polyandry. Among organised religions, only Judaism and Christianity have strict prohibitions against having more than one spouse. Polygyny is most common among Muslims who have religious sanction for this practice. Polyandry is a lot less common, especially in the modern world. In India it used to be practised on a large scale among matriarchal tribes such as the Khasis of Meghalaya and matrilineal communities like the Nairs and Menons of Kerala. Recently I read a CNN news item regarding the practice of polyandry in Himachal Pradesh.

It is not only among Muslims that you see polygyny being practised. The US has the Mormons or the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints who used to practice polygyny on a large scale. Some of them still do.

The ban on polygamy is enforced through the criminalisation of bigamy and adultery. A person commits bigamy when he or she undergoes a marriage ceremony when already married. Section 494 of the Indian Penal Code penalises a person who undergoes a marriage ceremony whilst having a having a living husband or wife, with imprisonment of up to seven years. If the spouse in the second marriage was unaware of the first marriage, the punishment is higher (imprisonment of up to ten years) under Section 495.

Section 497 of the Indian Penal Code says that “Whoever has sexual intercourse with a person who is and whom he knows or has reason to believe to be the wife of another man, without the consent or connivance of that man, such sexual intercourse not amounting to the offence of rape, is guilty of the offence of adultery, and shall be punished with imprisonment of either description for a term which may extend to five years, or with fine, or with both. In such case the wife shall be punishable as an abettor.” In other words, only a man can be guilty of adultery and then only if his lover is a married woman. The woman in the adulterous relationship will only be guilty of abetting the offence of adultery. The offence of adultery, as defined in the Indian Penal Code, is meant to protect married men from other men who may steal the affections of their wives.

Now consider this scenario. A married man or woman has an affair outside his or her marriage. The parties in the illicit relationship don't bother to get married. In any event such a marriage will be void and so unless there are religious reasons, there is no incentive in going through a marriage ceremony for a second time. Is there any offence being committed in this example? No, not unless a married woman is having an affair outside her marriage, in which case her lover will be guilty of adultery.

Therefore, the criminalisation of bigamy prevents married people from registering relationships they may be involved in outside their marriage, but does not actually prevent the relationship (unless it amounts to adultery). In my opinion, polygyny and polyandry ought to be legalised, just as homosexuality ought to be decriminalised and homosexuals given the right to have a civil partnership. Every marriage and civil partnership must be registered and the register should be available to the general public for inspection and accessible through the internet. Bigamy and adultery should not be criminal offences, though they should be a ground for divorce. Just as a spouse whose partner cheated on him or her can get a divorce, a spouse whose partner contracts a second marriage should be able to get an immediate divorce. A person who got married without knowing about his partner's first marriage should be able to get compensation for fraud. Criminal law should have no place in the bedrooms of consenting adults.

It may be argued that if polygamy were to be legalised, polygyny will become common, considering the weaker position women occupy in Indian society, whilst polyandry will only take place in poor communities where there is a scarcity of resources. This is a feasible argument, but I believe the answer lies in empowering women by educating them etc. and not in interfering in what consenting adults do.

Home Economics

Blokesablogin — Wed, 1 Oct 2008 09:34:54 EDT

When I grew up in the tight, socialistic 70's in India, I understood the value of a Rupee. Rs.1 got my cycle tyre puncture fixed. One masala dosa was Rs.1. One sheet of fool's cap paper for my mid term test was 5 paisa. A milk ice-cream was 15 paisa. One Kg of rice was Rs.2 in the ration shop. A handloom cotton sari was Rs.15. Gold was Rs.150 a sovereign. Father's salary was worth one sovereign of gold.

We got new clothes once a year for Diwali. If grandma or an aunt gifted us with a length of cloth, we got new clothes for Pongal or our Birthday. Hand me downs was a common and honored thing to do within the family. We went to aunt's house to watch TV, once a week. Aavin flavored milk was a salary day treat to us kids. The softy ice cream was a whole rupee! The vegetable vendor gave free coriander, curry leaves and green chillies when we bought Rs. 5 worth of vegetables!

Then came Asiad '82 and the craze of the color TV. No one wanted to play hopscotch or jump rope anymore. Everyone was glued to the TV and the colorful pictures within. Then came Eureka vacuum cleaner with its salesman. I doubt anyone who bought that stuff ever used it! I remember my mother buying it and had to pay it off over 10 months but never used it even once, except on the day the maid chose to take the day off or was ill to work. My brother and I found the actual sweeping with a broom and mopping with a mop a lot easier and faster. And neither depended on electricity! LOL! Life was never the same anymore.

Refrigerators, Sumeet Mixies, idli grinders became the staple consumer goods in every South Indian middle class household. Soon, our home became cluttered with stuff- cots for us kids (we used to sleep on the floor on mats), a sofa set, a dining set! Until then, we had small "modas" and ate sitting on the floor.

Coming to America in the early nineties was not all that much of a cultural shock as India had already set her course in consumer spending with liberating the economy. Initial credit card holders had no clue how to pay it off! They thought they were given free money! When they realized that they had to pay heavy interest, they "disappeared"! Those early days of credit were quite funny.

My frugal heart kept spending to a minimum in an otherwise consumer-spending America. Even then, I faithfully kept a "pocket account book" detailing every cent I spent, just as my grandfather who was an accountant had taught us over a hot summer break. My husband laughed when I asked him how much money we had in the bank. He said, there is more than enough and not to worry about it. But I had to ensure that I never overspent. After about 6 months of keeping accounts, I realized that he was right. My household expenses were a tiny fraction of his salary. Most of his salary went directly to pay the rent, the car insurance, phone bill, feed his 401 K and the rest into savings.

We could put 20% down on our home. Even kids did not really affect our budget. Again, hand-me-down clothes and cribs made life easy. Garage sales were great places to buy good furniture for a fraction of their cost. Public schools ensured free education.

When Mr. Bush sent us hefty checks in the mail last May, I asked my husband why they sent checks when they had a huge debt as it made no sense to me. Of course, we put it toward paying off some mortgage while several others went shopping (as it was intended for). That ill-thought out effort cost the government $100 billion not too many months ago. Today, Congress refused to "give" $700 billion to the effort of saving banks.

We have a saying in Tamizh that says that you cannot measure a cubit with nothing in your hand. That is precisely what these "great" investors have been happily doing: investing in "nothing"- the ultimate play in Maya theory!

We have people who chose to buy homes they could ill afford. We had banks who were more than willing to "loan" these folks money to buy these overpriced homes even if their monthly payment was not affordable to them, because we, in the US have what is called "interest only" loans: you pay only the interest each month, never mind the principle! In other words, you are building no equity in the house. And if your introductory interest rate went up, you could not pay the interest even. Ha!

Then, to make matters worse, these chaps who had these mortgage papers, bundled them up and "sold" them to another entity, an investment group, who had MBAs and their ilk, who "played" with other people's money (maybe the home owner himself/ herself!) and ensured they got paid astranomical sums for doing such a "risky" thing like taking the responsibility of other people's money! They did not really check to see if the mortgage papers that were in their hands were indeed worth the paper they were printed on. Ha!

Suddenly, one day, everyone wakes up and sees that the child on the street cried out that the emperor was naked! Ha!

There is doom and gloom everywhere and no one seems to know how it is going to affect everyone. One thing is for certain: Our days of eating out are done for, for now. Forget the occasional flick. Anyways, we don't do Starbucks. So nothing to "cut" there.

People are crying that there will be greater unemployment. People cannot afford to buy homes. And we start over.

If Americans quit buying a lot of junk that they do not need and stop overcharging their credit cards, there is hope still. Knowing the underlying puritanical streak, still evident in the genetic makeup of this land, if it finds expression in the coming months, much of this dizzy, lingering effects of the Reagan era, can be brought back to ground reality.

In my non scientific estimation, middle class Americans waste about 30% of their income (imagined and real) on unwanted things. They over eat, over buy, over stock, over spend, over indulge that results in much ailment which leads to huge medical insurance payments. If they just cut that out, they will be able to "afford" more. Learning to live within their means is a lesson everyone can learn, starting with the Americans who have the world's largest consumer debt.

I hope the young in India who have a huge disposable income on their hands as their education, food and stay have been taken care of by their parents, learn the value of saving and not frittering away their income on superfluous things.

Mumbai Chronicles, Part 1

Chandra — Wed, 1 Oct 2008 09:17:32 EDT

Finally, I am here. I am in Mumbai, the capital of 'spirits', 'fast life', 'high rentals', 'hype', sensex and Bollywood. It is inevitable that anybody who moves to Mumbai comes here with pre-conceived notions. There is just too much information around. To be honest, I hate Mumbai to the core. Yes, hate is the word. However, God has myriad ways of testing us and as circumstances turned out, me and wifey landed her last week. Both of us have taken up tough roles and hopefully we will do well. It has been a week since we moved here and already I have a decent summary to write about.

We landed here on Monday night with the intention of moving to a service apartment that is apparently value for money. They claim to be a 'perfect' replacement to a stay at an expensive hotel. An ideal 'home away from home'. The reality is that the apartment itself was half constructed, the bathroom smelt of urine, there was no telephone or wireless. Anyway, we decided that we had to logout and we did that first thing in the morning. While we were upset we agreed that it was pointless brooding over this. We evaluated our situation and decided to move to a hotel, recommended by our friends. While it was almost twice the cost of the apartment, it was a pleasant stay.

With an inauspicious start, we wanted to get on with the most critical part of Week 1 - Searching for an apartment to move into. A few calls to property agents and we had appointments for the day. The thing about property agents is that they always have somethingt to how. The experienced ones take an educated guess after meeting with you as to what they should show you and the not so experienced ones take you through the whole rigmarole.

Dyscalculia - Not Having Fun With Numbers

Deepti Lamba — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 13:56:28 EDT

Today was a day of revelation for me. I held back tears when memories of misery and utter frustration rained down on me while I waited for my children's bus to come. I had inadvertently stumbled on a condition that made me realize I wasn't dumb as a doorknob when it came to mathematics.

For years I believed I had some kind of a dyslexia. I could read and write well but when it came to math I was just plain dumb. My brain would shut down and the numbers wouldn't make sense. I still cannot handle change.

Yesterday at a grocery store, the cashier muttered something about owing two rupees and I wondered whether the store owed me 2 rupees or I owed them. I got nervous and antsy. Who owed who? My brain came to a standstill. Dumb Dee Dumb it sang to me. I cleared my throat and asked - Do I owe you? The reply was a no and I was shown the bill and explained the difference.

I didn't hate myself at that moment. I have long since accepted my condition - dumb and a secret I've long since kept. I still have trouble remembering my husband's cell number since the first five digits are the same as mine. I used my fingers to count the similar numbers while I penned the sentence. I still use my fingers to add and subtract. I used to have trouble distinguishing my right from my left. I still visualize myself in a place when I give directions. So what's wrong with me? I have dyscalculia. Its a learning disability in which one cannot comprehend math, numbers, and more.

The DfES defines dyscalculia as:

A condition that affects the ability to acquire arithmetical skills. Dyscalculic learners may have difficulty understanding simple number concepts, lack an intuitive grasp of numbers, and have problems learning number facts and procedures. Even if they produce a correct answer or use a correct method, they may do so mechanically and without confidence.

Dyscalculia is dyslexia for numbers. But unlike dyslexia, very little is known about its prevalence, causes or treatment. Current thinking suggests that it is a congenital condition, caused by the abnormal functioning of a specific area of the brain. People with dyscalculia experience great difficulty with the most basic aspects of numbers and arithmetic.

Best estimates indicate that somewhere between 3% and 6% of the population are affected. These statistics refer to those who are ‘purely’ dyscalculic – i.e. they only have difficulties with maths but have good or even excellent performance in other areas of learning.

Its not the end of the world to finally put a tag on what I have lived with all my life. There will be those who would deny the condition. Those who'd say I could have worked harder, been less lazy, less dumb, less paranoid, less angry, even less suicidal but it doesn't take away the condition or the fact that there are those who suffer from it.

Its close to nightfall and I cradle an empty feeling in my heart. I finally know that some part of my brain is different, I know why I always scored so low in IQ tests. There is no triumphant feeling that I made it despite my disability. There is no other feeling except the knowledge that I am not dumb and that this disability made me who I am.

Related Article: Inside story: dyscalculia