Desicritics Author: Deepti Lamba

Fiction: Inconsiderate Indians

Deepti Lamba — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 04:29:12 EDT

She huffily threw her keys down on the table and sat down.

"I've had it with these people! I was about to park and this dumb-ass pulled in and took the spot. I had to drive the entire block to find parking. Can you believe it?!"

Sonali smiled at her friend and handed her a chilled glass of Kingfisher " Hello to you too. Have a sip."

Arundhati took a small sip and made a face. She wasn't much of a beer drinker.

"There are times I really hate Indians! They are so inconsiderate." She said loudly and people sitting around them looked at her but she didn't care and she continued her harangue.

"They pee, shit in public, throw trash any where and every where, they are so corrupt, they are so- "

"Yeah, I know- inconsiderate. Why don't you look at the menu and see what you want to eat? I am famished!" Sonali handed the menu to her friend.

Arundhati looked at the Menu and continued to speak " Crass, uncouth Indians!! I think I will have a Garden omelet. And some Fresh Lime soda without sugar."

Sonali tried to catch the waiter's eye.

"Where is that man? Killing a chicken?"

Arundhati laughed at her friend's half hearted attempt at a joke. She was already in a good mood and had forgotten the entire parking episode.

At the nearby table Suresh had a hard time controlling his temper. The two uppity women had pissed him off with their bitching.

"Crass? Uncouth Indians? Whats wrong with those women?" He hissed to his companion who was busy wolfing down his biryani.

"Huh?" the biryani guy looked up at his friend who flicked his head towards the girls who were sitting on the adjacent table.

"Didn't you hear that woman bitch about India?" he hissed and gave the girls a dirty look which went unnoticed.

"Why? What did they say?" the biryani guy broke the chicken bone and sucked the marrow and eyed the cutlet his friend had yet not eaten. Was Suresh going to eat that cutlet? He was still hungry despite finishing his plate of biryani.

“Some guy grabbed her parking space and she blamed all of us for the shit she faced. I mean, we Indians do our bit. We are considerate and polite. We are the happiest people in the world and very hard working. Why do rich people like her always sell our country short? Inconsiderate she said!! I say – she is inconsiderate!!”

With that he took a bite of his cutlet and got angrier. The biryani guy sat back to watch the fireworks.

Suresh looked around for the waiter and snapped his fingers to get attention

“Waiter!! Waiter!!” he shouted and the girls on the nearby table gave him a sweeping look and went back to their conversation.

The waiter hurried over to Suresh’s table

“Sir?” he mumbled. He was bone tired. He needed the money and was on his second shift.

“Why is my cutlet cold? Whats wrong with you people? What kind of service is this?” Suresh picked up his plate and shoved it against the waiter’s belly.

The waiter automatically grabbed the plate; he opened his mouth to speak but closed it. He needed the job.

The biryani guy knew the cutlet had gone cold because Suresh had been too busy eyeballing the women but decided to keep his peace.

“Get me a new cutlet and make it quick. And don’t you add it to the bill. You hear me? Or else I will talk to the owner about you. I know him very well. Go get me my food.”

Suresh lit a cigarette and took a long drag and leaned against his chair.

Arundhati coughed. Suresh had blown right on her face.

“Jeez! Dude! Be a little more considerate! You blew right on my face.” Arundhati spoke in between her coughing.

“It’s a smoking zone. “ Suresh replied haughtily

Arundhati glared “Don’t you know that you aren’t supposed to blow into peoples’ faces? That is the first rule of smoking!”

Suresh gave her a dirty look and took another drag of his cigarette and blew the smoke in the air.

“Rude fellow!” Arundhati said loudly and turned her back to him before he could reply.

The waiter came back with the omelet and Fresh lime soda and placed it before Arudhati.

She noticed how tired he looked.

“Been a long day?” She asked

The waiter nodded and was about to move off when Suresh snapped at him

“Well? Where is my food? I swear!! I will never return to this place again!”

As he went on brow beating the waiter Arundhati rolled her eyes and muttered to Sonali “Bloody Inconsiderate Indian!!”

Travel Review: Tusker Trails, Bandipur

Deepti Lamba — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 12:19:03 EDT

Its raining ants!! I shrieked and jumped out of the bed. That was the only negative experience we had at the Tusker Trails lodge situated within the Bandipur National Park in Karnataka, part of the vast expanse of forests spanning Karnataka, Kerala, and Tamil Nadu - part of the erstwhile hunting grounds, quite literally, of first the Mysore Wodeyars and then, the poacher-brigand Veerappan. There were ants falling from the roof of our room right on our bed. It wasn't the fault of the management of Tusker Trials. They told us that the rooms had been fumigated but ants have a way of returning, especially in the rains. Our rooms were immediately changed and we spent our night in Bandipur in relative comfort after shooing away a pony who toddled towards us for an apple or two in the middle of the night.

Tusker Trails has a beautiful rustic look to it and is reasonably priced. The food is simple but delicious and the service prompt and friendly. The rooms are simple and pretty and the swimming pool inviting.

The safari provided by Tusker Trails into the Bandipur forests was fun and despite lasting two hours the picturesque scenery and animals caught off guard made it an exciting ride.

We drove at least 40 km into the forest and saw quite a few animals such as the Dhol (wild dogs), lazy cud-munching bison, deer, sambhar but missed the leopard sitting on a branch right above our jeep as we were too busy clicking away at the Dhols!

Which, obviously, came as a huge disappointment when a Venetian couple who had been in the Jeep behind us later on showed us pictures of the leopard who continued to sit at the same spot with a huge bellyfull of deer. But as we drove back to the Campus we heard another leopard snarling in the bushes and spook the deer that were busy grazing. But we didn't get to view the elusive leopard.

Deer are ample in Bandipur and so are wild boars. Tigers are a rare sighting but our safari driver swore he saw one ten days ago.

We did see wild elephants who turned tail and hid in the bushes waiting for us to leave.

The weather was cold and the forests were lush filled with beautiful birds like peacocks, bulbuls, woodpeckers etc.

When we returned to Tusker Trails by about eight in the night, we were pretty hungry and were greeted by candle lit dinner and congenial company.

Early in the morning we went for another Safari ride but got to see fewer animals - some bison, birds and some memorable scenic views. Ideally the evening safari is better than the morning one since by the time the morning safari starts, the animals go down by the riverside and the jeeps are not allowed to access to those areas.

After the morning Safari we had a hearty breakfast at Tusker Trails and drove on towards Ooty.

Bandipur is a good weekend getaway for nature lovers and those who still want the city amenities such as air conditioners, televisions etc could try the new Cicada Resorts.

Travel Review: Restful Ooty

Deepti Lamba — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 12:26:57 EDT

People tend to have their favorite haunts. They may roam around the world but find themselves frequently returning to certain places to rejuvenate. For me, Ootacamund or Ooty in Tamil Nadu is the place to be in. There are other places that are more beautiful, less crowded and perhaps even closer to Bangalore but the gentle beauty of the Nilgiris mountains and the amicable nature of the Ooty people made me wish I could make Ooty my second home.

There is more to Ooty than indulging in tourist activities like boating, pony rides or walking around the main city center. Ooty has a gorgeous Golf course and the Gymkhana club is the place to stay at. The service is spectacular at the club and the food is light and scrumptious.

It is best to go off-season. Ooty nowadays is cold without being damp. Warm clothes are a must but one can buy extra woolens at Mohan's. Mohan's is a versatile store which has things ranging from antique furniture, marble statues, rugs, paintings, clothes, toys etc. People who visit Ooty must visit Mohan's to check their furniture as most of their stuff costs far less than whats available in Bangalore. Make sure you ask to see their well-stocked warehouse.

For good food there are a couple of good places which serve awesome food. There are two Coffee Day Cafes, the hotels have good restaurants but my favorite restaurant happens to be a Chinese restaurant called Shinkow which was started in the 1940s and comes highly recommended by the locals as well. King's Cliff is a small and well-situated hotel worth staying at or at least having lunch.

Apart from Ooty, one can do some sightseeing at Coonoor which has tea estates and is well known for its scenic beauty. The central parts of both towns - Ooty and Coonoor - have sufferred the usual overcrowding, yet one gets some great stuff in the shops, and particularly at the Tibetan market.

While driving up to Ooty, one must remember to honk at the 36 hairpin bends and drive either on the first or second gear. The drive through the forest reserves of Bandipur and Mudhumalai refresh the soul and one may even spot some deer, bison or elephants en route to Ooty.

For a weekend getaway Ooty is a good option.

Movie Review: Singh Is Kinng

Deepti Lamba — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 06:14:52 EDT

With the movie-Singh Is Kinng making well over $20 million so far, Akshay Kumar is surely the ruling Pasha of Bollywood. With his bashful smile and twinkling eyes Akshay has won the hearts of his fans once again.

The movie lacked depth but rarely are Akshay Kumar movies known to have serious elements in them. That is the beauty of the movie; it was comedy from beginning to end without descending to making fun of a community as was previously done in Bollywood. Take movies like Parosan, Amar Akbar Anthony where the idea of comedy was to exaggerate the characteristics of different communities of India and many a times they were extremely racist.

Singh is Kinng took another route. It highlighted the characteristics of the Sikh community that makes them endearing. Qualities such as being people of their word, having a strong sense of integrity and being large-hearted.

Akshay did a few stunts on his own, looked hot and even Katrina Kaif looked pale before him. In fact Katrina's role was no more than that of a bimbo (supposedly a soon-to-be lawyer but seemed more of a fluff-brained twit) who looked pretty and laughed all through the second half of the movie.

Neha Dupia in fact had a far more significant role to play in the movie and along with Kiron Kher delivered a character portrayal as well as the rest of the cast.

The formula of the movie was predictable but the lightheartedness and aplomb with which actors acted as bindaas Sikhs made the movie a pleasure to watch.

The numbers were foot tapping and the song with Snoop Dogg awesome. Two thumbs up for the movie and a definite watch with kids.

Partial Solar Eclipse Today - Do Nothing

Deepti Lamba — Fri, 1 Aug 2008 02:36:38 EDT

Listen up people! If you are pregnant, if you want to go to the awesome sale at Lifestyle, if you want to cut your hair, your nails, or any part of your body for whatever perverse reasons - Don't!! And while you are at if you are about to take up any new venture - Don't - be it meeting a prospective mate or even getting lucky for the first time.

Hold your horses, your ovaries, your sperms, your purse strings - just hold on. If you happen to be a devout believer, it would be for the best if you stayed at home altogether and did nothing.

No karma is to be implemented. Lead a zombie existence. No food to be touched, hair not to be washed, nothing!! There is bad luck and pollution in the air since there is going to be a partial eclipse!!

A partial solar eclipse will be seen in India on Friday while the north-eastern parts of the country will see quite a large fraction of the disc of the Sun, eclipsed by the Moon.

"The partial eclipse will be seen in the north-eastern region, starting from about 4 PM," Director Nehru Planetarium, Rathnasree, said.

The biggest and the last phase of the eclipse will be visible from most parts of the country, except Nagaland and Mizoram, where the eclipse ends after sunset, she said.

The maximum obscuration of the sun will occur at Sibsagar in Assam.

A total eclipse will be visible in Canada extending across northern Greenland, the Arctic, central Russia, Mongolia and China.

In case any of the above activities are performed or there is the moronic viewing of the eclipse people should report to the nearest 'shudhi' center for isolation and decontamination.

Phoonk - If Thoughts Could Kill

Deepti Lamba — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 09:17:20 EDT

I have yet to meet a person who hasn't wished another human being - death at some point of their lives. Obviously none of them decided to actually carry out the act but asked fate to do it for them .

And these are perfectly nice people. People like you and me who open doors for mothers with strollers, give their seats to old people, love animals, make donations and love their families and friends.

But when rage takes over they wish the victim of their rage- death. Maybe its the impotency of being unable to best the person or feeling invigorated by the sheer malicious of wishing someone ill.

To make matters more complicated in cases such as family disputes often one gets to hear of Tantric influencing; that is - when a person actually dies or falls sick, loses large sums of money- accusations of black magic are made quite easily.

Even amongst the educated, many believe that there are those who can harness dark powers/souls to do their dirty deeds.

It never fails to amaze me when people whisper about finding totkas in their homes or driveways. And they then believe that the misfortune was caused by someone else and wasn't an act of fate or sheer bad luck.

That's when they fall victim to pandits, god-men and astrologers. Sometimes its the other way round when the seeker is told that someone had done - 'jadu tona' on them and heavy sums of money is extracted from them to bring 'harmony' back in their lives.

Do I believe in the power of cursing or in black magic- No. Wouldn't half the world be dead if words and rituals alone could kill people?

Wishing someone ill at a heat of moment is one thing but going to a Tantric to ensure the deed is done is like giving supari to a 'spiritual assassin'.

I have a hard time believing that regular people actually go looking for Babas with killing powers. Kind of hard to believe a harried daughter in law saying - Baba kill my witch of a mother in law but its believable that an innocent daughter in law may be accused of doing so.

When the urban educated continue to believe in these arcane superstitions there is very little to be expected from our villagers.

Related Article : PHOONK- Ram Gopal Varma Film

The Purity Of An Idli

Deepti Lamba — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 14:06:09 EDT

Idlis have special meaning for me. My grandfather was the one who taught me how to eat idlis the wrong way. He'd put sambhar and coconut chutney on top of the piping hot idlis, smash it all up and eat like rice. Even now thats how I like to eat my idlis- smashed, sticky and ever so divine.

I can eat idlis at all times - breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack time, post snack time- just about any time. Idli is the ultimate comfort food for me. Idlis somehow even in their bland taste remind me of innocence. How wrong can one go with idlis?

Its all in the batter, the further its made away from South India the more diluted its taste becomes. At least in Delhi, despite visiting the best South Indian joints. I could never get the kind of Idlis that we get down South.

The melting softness and the tangy sambhar can only be enjoyed here. If you have the urge to eat idlis the best place to enjoy them is at a nameless little shop in a small lane in Commercial Street. Ask any Bangalorean and they will take you there.

They serve idlis during evenings and they are positively swoon worthy.

Looking back, the best idlis I remembered eating when I was young were made by my dad's friend's wife. I was less than five years old and barely reached the kitchen sink. I remember Aunty showing me how idlis were made. I was in awe. My mom never made idlis.

Her delicate fingers indented the idlis with ghee. I remember her patiently answering my questions. And when she sneaked me an idli ahead of everyone waiting in the living room, I was in heaven.

It was hot, soft and soulful. I was in love with the idli and awed by the idli maker. Its funny how I barely remember what she looked like, except that she was slim, delicate, and in my nostalgic mind - pure like the idli she made.

Related Article : Dal Makhani: The National Cuisine By Shantanu Dutta

Movie Review: Mission Istaanbul - Male Booty Call

Deepti Lamba — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 13:57:10 EDT

Cleavage!! There's a lot of it on Mission Istaanbul from Belly dancers, a pissed off journalist wife, lots of male cleavage, a wannabe Angelina Jolie and a product placement of thaanda Mountain Dew. Is there any redeeming quality for Mission Istaanbul? Its all about popular conspiracy theories coming true on the 13th Floor of a news channel which is a terrorist front. Its about looking like Matt Damon from Bourne and oh yeah! Its about smooching Jolie's little Indian sister.

There is a pseudo-President Bush suffering from Bushism - saying ~~Man-hole-Singh~~ Manmohan Singh, and not wanting to interfere in the shenanigans of some Indians finding out the truth about you know who being dead in the terrorist circles.

So, the movie isn't low budget, the action scenes are packed but here is what I don't get about the movie. Despite all the high tech talk of computers and all why didn't they use YouTube to let the world know the truth? Then again they had to stretch the movie to three hours. (Speaking of YouTube, the full Mission Istaanbul has already leaked in ten-minute clips, if you'd like to watch it in that painful format.)

Hence, there are a lot of chase scenes through the colorful streets of Istanbul, a love interest specially flying to Turkey to complicate matters further and the Indian ambassador chickening out and letting foreign cops into the Embassy.

After the intermission, the movie takes on a Rambo flavor. Two men fighting against terrorists while the world watches on the sidelines.

The movie is fraught with many loopholes, ugly looking terrorists having sauna baths, bare-chested fights and Abhishek Bachchan shaking his scrumptious booty as a guest appearance. Come to think of it, the only reason one should go to see this movie is to watch some male booty in action. Apart from that the movie has nothing new to offer.

Seven Blasts Rock Bangalore

Deepti Lamba — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 05:33:06 EDT

At least seven blasts rocked Bangalore. Nayandahalli, Madiwala, Adugodi, Koramangala, Mysore Road and Hosur Road suffered bomb attacks in a span of 15 to 30 minutes which were triggered by timers. As of now one woman is reported dead and twenty injured. All these are very crowded areas of Bangalore city. Madiwala and Adugodi are part of the Hosur Road which leads straight to Electronic City.

The bombs are said to be of low intensity, possibly induced by gelatin sticks,ammonium nitrate, and urea. As of now, all the malls and restaurants, schools around the area have been shut down. An emergency cabinet meeting has been called for the evening.

People are advised to stay off the phone networks if possible as they are already intentionally jammed. The injured have been admitted to St. John's Hospital and Mallya Hospital.

The Police has requested people not to get panicky but people around these area are stranded especially in Koramangala and Electronic City. The blasts began between one thirty and one forty five in the afternoon.

The areas have been cordoned off but Bangalore has not come to a standstill.

Why Do Celebrities Make Sex Tapes?

Deepti Lamba — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 11:36:31 EDT

After the Mini-me sex tape fiasco starring Verne Troyer there is a whiff of a Madonna sex tape. Why do people, especially celebrities, make tapes of themselves having sex? In my mind its as weird as recording one's genitalia.

Sex is a private act. We talk about it but to record it seems way out there. What do people do with these tapes? Sit back and watch them on their home theater systems and say - hey I could have humped you better? Or For the next video we must try the 69 position?

There have been so many sex videos and most have been worse than the regular porno videos like the one with bits of Paris Hilton showing after her simpering - I want you to touch me there

Fact is real life sex does not look like porno tapes.

There is no glossy production quality or retakes; its just two people having regular sex and watching two regular people doing it without the artificial fluff makes it tardy.

It feels good to those doing the act but to the audience its like an illegal National Geographic porno moment and the tape is then dissected. Which was why Verne Troyer fought tooth and nail to stop the distribution of his sex video tape and Paris Hilton was emotional wrought when her tape leaked.

With the regular leaking of sex tapes one would think it would deter celebs from making them but I guess having glass ceilings just doesn't do it for them any more. They want to be the 'star' of the orgasmic moment.

It is some kind of narcissism to make these tapes and save them for posterity?

Do people then re-play the tapes? Do they save them along with their marriage tapes?

When they break up do they return the tapes and swear the returned tapes were original copies?

Do they have any pre-nup agreements about these tapes?

These questions need answers, maybe they are answered. The world of celebrities is way different from ours. It's what fantasies are made of, the only problem is when their world and ours collide they tend to burn and we enjoy the fireworks;)