The Ghar Jamaai Taboo

I have a very deep, dark and horrific secret to share... with just... oh... the rest of the world. My dad, is a ghar jamai! (Deafening silence as people take that bit of information in) For the non-Hindi speakers, that means he lives in my mother's maternal home. And that - is just not acceptable. Not in India.

A man living in his wife's home is just... well, not a man, is he? All sorts of combinations are acceptable - woman living with her in-laws, couple living in their own home, husband's parents living with the couple, wife's parents living with the in-laws, everything - but a man living with his in-laws.

Funnily however, it's almost become family tradition for us. My maternal grandfather was a man well ahead of his times and in those days he chose to move in with my maternal grandmother's family after marriage. He had left his hometown to study in ours and then went on to get a job there. He was my grandmother's elder sister's badminton partner and frequented their home often.

And before long fell in love with my grandmother. The youngest of 5 brothers and sisters she was shy, quiet and retiring and extremely pretty and petite. She reciprocated his feelings but things didn't really move forward.

The years went by and she refused to marry him because all her brothers and sisters had scattered across the world and she didn't want to leave her old parents rattling around alone in their big old house. She agreed to marry my grandfather on the condition that he stayed on and helped take care of her aged parents. Since he was working in her hometown and not with his family in any case, he was only too happy to take care of his in-laws who were exceedingly fond of him.

Over the years he took care of them better than any son. Carrying my great grandmother to the toilet after her paralytic stroke, spending enormous amounts on their health and spending long evenings chatting with the old couple after he came back from work.

A national level football and badminton player, there was no sport my grandfather didn't excel at and we have a scrapbook at home full of newspaper cuttings of his victories. If it were today, he would be a household name with media's wide reach. As it is, he is still well known among his contemporaries of whom there are few still alive. So many years later, I was chatting with one of the OA's granduncles and we realised he was a huge fan of my grandfather's and often heard his matches on the radio....

The point I am making being, that my grandfather was a well educated man (he was a professor) and a well known sportsman. Still, it didn't hurt his ego or make him insecure to live with his wife's parents so many years ago. As people got to know him they realised that he was doing a lot more for his in-laws than they had done for him and the fact that they had put a roof over his head was irrelevant because he could have bought that house twice over.

Years later my father left his home and family to marry my mother and it was the beginning of a beautiful relationship because his in-laws were as fond of him as they were of their own son. (Actually, to know my dad, is to love him!) Of course they got married and went away. But then about 10 years after marriage my father wanted to make a start in business and by coincidence, it needed to be set up in Uttar Pradesh and my mother's hometown was as good a place as any. It made sense to put all their funds into the new business, be close to my brother and I (who were being brought up by my grandparents) and have family support.

He was as good a son-in-law as my grandfather was. My grandmother passed away due to Alzheimer's and my dad fed her her last solid meal - like you do to a child. He would hold her hand and take her for a walk around the garden when she began to forget how to walk. He helped her hold a paintbrush when it looked like she was forgetting how to paint (she was a good artist) and would sit and eat all his meals with her despite getting late for work, just to ensure that the nurse didn't neglect her. He took care of every last old member of the house including my grandfather who was bedridden at the end and even my grandmother's sister who also died of Alzheimer's.

My parents continue to live in the old family house, which takes a lot to maintain but is beautiful... full of trees and birds and a pond. It has been renovated and perhaps the renovations cost more than buying and building a new house in Delhi.

Why do I bring up the cost factor? Because the usual argument is that only a man who cannot support his family would be so shameless as to live off his in-laws. The assumption being that if you live with your wife's family, they pay for your family's upkeep. A leading member of our community, my dad is well known in his own right and we often tease him on his semi-celebrity status because the local papers are always interviewing him for some reason or the other. He is not at all known by his in-laws surname or fame.

Frankly, I see no harm in that either. As working and independent women we often take our husbands' surnames and live with their families without it hurting our egos. So why in this case do we hold on to age old prejudices. What is wrong with a man being known because his in-law's family is well known?

Are you ashamed of your wife's family? Is she not proud to be associated with yours? Is there anything wrong with it being both ways? And for all the feminism we talk of, it seems rather hypocritical. To say nothing of the kind of pressure it puts on a man to stay away from his in-laws' home regardless of how convenient it might be or how comfortable he might be in their company. What happened to good old equality? Why is it so selective?

Perhaps a matriarchy is our fate because years later, history repeated itself and the OA walked out of his family and into our home. We were married two months before his job began so we stayed with my parents and he fitted in perfectly and was quite happy. I believe one of the things he had been warned about when walking out on his family was that horror of horrors, he might become a ghar jamaai!

"I'll risk it," he grinned, and married me.

I guess the reason why this works rather well, in my opinion, is that invariably, trouble comes between DIL and MIL. A son in law rarely has a problem with his in-laws in my experience. Often I run to soothe the OA's feelings if I feel a family member has been rude to him, only to realise he has either not even taken it amiss, or then taken it in his stride saying that since he enjoys the liberty of speaking his mind with them, he expects the same courtesy (or discourtesy!) from them.

Also, India being the way it is, people have very low expectations from a son in law and are happy with whatever crumbs of affection he throws their way. Whereas a daughter-in-law is expected to be as good as you perceive your daughter to be and some more! As a result it's so much easier for a son-in-law to just fit in with the family and be treated like royalty.

Today when the OA and I dream of the house we would like to buy and build castles in the air, my family home is his benchmark. He wants a house that size, with that kind of atmosphere and the dozens of servants who magically keep appearing from dark corners to do your bidding! He also wants a holiday home in the hills. And so we've reached a happy compromise that we will probably some day buy that house in the hills to holiday at, because we have the security of my family home to fall back on. With my brother in the US, I have the responsibility of my parents.

At 50 and 54, they aren't very old and are busy setting up new businesses and buying fast cars right now so I don't think they will need us in a hurry. But when they do, I know the OA will be only too happy to either bring them to live with us or go and take care of them there.

What prompted this post is a meal with some acquaintances while my parents were in town over the weekend. They insisted on piling the OA's plate with food and making a fuss of him. This was in strong contrast with my parents who treat him like a son. There is no formality of constantly plying him with food and wine and being servile because he is the son-in-law.

"Oh you are the jamaai," gushed the lady. "We must make sure you have no complaints. "

Umm... he is my parents' son-in-law and I assure you they love him and take adequate care of him. They just don't fall at his feet and worship him.

The lady was also ill-mannered enough to gasp in shock and visibly blanch when she realised my father was a ghar jamaai. She and her husband then proceeded to make a dozen derogatory comments all while trying to seem comfortable with the situation and they ended up bumbling and making more of an issue over it. Fortunately my father is too comfortable in his own skin and his achievements to take it amiss and smiled goodnaturedly. As usual it was only yours truly who began to simmer at the rudeness.

A few comments were aimed at the OA too, telling him to be warned or else he too would end up being a ghar jamaai, which is of course unthinkable for any self-respecting man. The OA who is as self-respecting a man as any, grinned disarmingly to include my dad and said, "Well I would love to. I think it's the perfect life. Wife and I will both be comfortable and happy. And I would get to live in comfort and a style that is not possible nowadays."

I think in the Indian context I am blessed in having a father and a husband who are perfectly secure and very comfortable their situations.

I am also tired of hearing even the most so called modern and broad minded women say they would hate to have to live in their parental home. And I am sick of hearing parents say they hope never to see the day when they will be dependent on their daughters; either due to the daughter and son-in-law coming home to take care of them or them living with the daughter in their married home. WHY? Why must you have only your son and DIL take care of you?

I would be hurt if my parents felt it would be a blow to their pride to live with me and the OA. After all, most homes are run by the woman. The food I cook, the way I decorate the home and the traditions we carry on are more influenced by me than the OA. My parents would be more comfortable with me than my in-laws. And someday my brother will be married and his home will be tilted towards his wife's culture and habits. And my parents will be less comfortable there than her parents. This is not a rule, it's just something I have noticed. You may have noticed otherwise!

Also, sons find it harder to tell their parents not to interfere because the assumption immediately is, that the DIL has set him up. On the other hand, I am not at all hesitant to tell my parents not to interfere. They know it's my opinion and not the OA's.

If, God forbid, someday my parents need me to take care of them, I will not hesitate to do it. And if the OA and I don't find the house of our dreams, we will not hesitate to go back to my home.

As it stands today, my brother in the US can send my parents money if they fall ill or on bad times, but I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to take them there. The lifestyle will be a shock to their system, there is no house help and my brother and his family will need to do a lot to make the old couple comfortable. I, on the other hand am accustomed to my parents and their ways and they to mine.

So for me to take care of them might be an additional responsibility but not something I would shirk. It costs so much less to get house help in India and they will be happy in their own surroundings in their old age. And if I ever snap at them in frustration or exhaustion, it will be understood for what it is, not misconstrued as a daughter-in-law's might be, for resentment.

What about the OA's opinion, one might wonder. The OA loves his parents, but rarely has a word to say to them. That is their relationship. On the other hand, his relationship with my parents is ideal. Much younger than his parents and very easy going, he loves going out restaurant sampling with my dad and arguing with my mum about her shopping habits. They are very often found sharing a beer at a pub in the vicinity and arguing over the merits and demerits of a recently launched car or the last cricket match. They give as good as they get and their relationship is independent of me. On the other hand, his own parents being much older than mine and very conservative, he has to ensure that neither of us end up offending each other - it's not an easy or enviable task.

This is not a case for all sons-in-law to live with their wives' families. It is simply an argument that it can work equally well both ways and need not be a cause for shame and horror. It reeks of an orthodox way of thinking, accustomed as I am, to my family's own way of doing things.

At the end of the day it all boils down to the convenience factor and you need to do what suits you without fear of societal pressure or censure.

And if someday my son is caring enough and secure enough to take care of his wife's family, I will know I have done a good job with him. And I have told the OA that like elephants, I would like to go home to die and be buried under the mango tree I grew up climbing. He wants his ashes buried near me, so I guess if not in life, in death he will be a ghar jamaai!