SATIRE

With or Without the Mole

August 02, 2006
Mayank Austen Soofi


The astonishingly good sale of Jaswant Singh's rather sleepy classic A Call To Honour: In Service Of Emergent India has inspired India's top news-makers to write their own memoirs and fictions. Here are 5 new sensations to be released this fall.

Author: L K Advani
Title: The Man Who Bombed Karachi
Ad line: True account of an uncircumcised vegetarian who went, saw and was conquered by the desert-colored tomb of a circumscribed pork-munching, whisky-drinking man who had, like him, divided his country's people on the basis of the copulatory organs of the male population.
On the publisher's special request: Three-and-a-half-page confession about what did not happen in Ayodhya in December 6, 1992.
Secret you are not supposed to know: Ghost-written by journalists Swapan Dasgupta, Chandan Mitra and Prabhu Chawla


Author: Sonia Gandhi
Title: Essentials of Classic Pasta Cooking
Ad line: Perhaps more than any other person, Signora Sonia is responsible for bringing Italian aroma into the curried nostrils of Indian minds. We're not talking spaghetti and polenta here - Sonia's cuisine consists of Bofors silences, Emergency embarrassments, 1984 apologies braised with dynasty's doings and other multiple sacrifices, and all of it sautéed with sycophancy and garnished with dumb speechlessness whose blandness is thankfully sauced up with a certain dash of pseudo-enigma.
On the publisher's special request: Two-line mention of a December night barbeque prepared with good friend Ottavio Quattrocchi during the good old pre-gun days. In Page 179.
Secret you are not supposed to know: Last-minute deletion of a comment made by Manmohan Singh in his exclusive foreword - Ab Nahi Hai Koi Raasta; Khana Parega Pasta.


Author: APJ Kalam
Title: Crashing With Fire and Other Reflections While Dozing in Rashtrapati Bhawan
Ad line: India's valiant struggle with the democratization of decision-making in the field of missile-making and satellite launching and other flying myths since the victory of Ashoka the Great in the Kalinga War. The book should be understood as a complete scientific, practical and inspiring treatise on the methodological and mathematical development of the children of this great nation with inspiring anecdotes from the history of evolution and space programmes. The last chapter consist of an interview with Amma, The Hugging Saint, who tells us how to win the heart of terrorists by what-else-but hugging.
On the publisher's special request: All points made in easy-to-read bulleted format with the pages designed in the manner of Microsoft Powerpoint presentation.
Secret you are not supposed to know: Strongly recommended to insomniacs and to long-haired people suffering from dementia.

Author: Jaya Bachchan
Title: Being Big B's Beebi and My Re-Journey to the Parliament
Ad line: Full account of how this ice-cold frigid lady shouldered the heavy-duty family honor by falling horizontally on the feet of Big-Rich Bhai Amar Singh, and that how she and her husband indirectly supports the highest ideals of secularism by supporting a political party which diligently demands the formation of Muslim Pradesh, besdies aggressively defending the suspects of the Mumbai blasts.
On the publisher's special request: One whole chapter on why she dislikes that you-know-who lady. (No. Not Sonia Gandhi, but Rekha!)
Secret you are not supposed to know: Uncensored excerpts of her untapped phone conversations with Amar Singh, which even Big B was not aware of.

Author: Karan Johar
Title: Rose Wine with Karan during Sultry Evenings and Starry Nights
Ad line: Beautiful, heart-breaking, intensely moving, life-affirming, apparently straight short stories by Bollywood's rosiest (though hairy) film maker. A collection of 36 happy-ending 'slices of life' which one can read with the entire family, including the Toronto-based grand mother, and also with Tuffy the lame Pomeranian, which was found loitering at New York's Grand Central Station during the making of Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna. These stories will make the readers laugh, weep, smile, frown - all at the same time. Warning: keep lots of handkerchiefs (or tissue papers) at stand-by.
On the publisher's special request: A homo-erotic short story by Kantabai, a Gujarati housemaid, formerly serving in Narendra Modi's bachelor pad in Ahmedabad.
Secret you are not supposed to know: The short story titled A Family that Sleeps Together Stays Together is based on the true account of a high-profile Bollywood star who shares his bed simultaneously with two people - his glamorous wife and an equally high-profile (albeit rosy) Bollywood film-maker.

Final Note: Copies of the above-mentioned books can be purchased from Desicritic's press DesiPub.

Mayank Austen Soofi owns a private library and four blogs: The Delhi Walla, Pakistan Paindabad, Ruined By Reading, and Mayank Austen Soofi Photos. Contact: mayankaustensoofi@gmail.com
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#1
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August 2, 2006
11:05 AM

mayank:

specially enjoyed the On the publisher's special request: segments :)

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