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Fiction: Brokeback Mountain, Desi Version!
Mayank Austen Soofi
Letter penned by Harsh Sharma
Dear Kris,
After weighing all the options, I think the most prudent way will be to write to you, as I'm doing now. Anyway, I always feel more comfortable while writing out my thoughts on a paper than expressing them in face-to-face talks. I guess you will be shocked after reading this letter. But then again I think I will be surprised if you did not see it coming. But first.....oh how should I start...I don't know.....what should I say.....ok first I will say...oh I will come right to the point:
I love you Kris!
Yes I love you. Yes I also know that you love me too. But I'm not talking about that kind of love. I do not mean the love that is between good friends. I mean I love you. I love you passionately with all my heart and soul. Please please Kris do not be angry with me. Please do not throw this letter away. I know you also love me. So why are we pretending things?
I can still recall that night. Do you remember that we had gone to see Dil To Pagal Hain that evening? I was seeing it for the fourth time and you for the seventh. We had a fight earlier in the afternoon. You were talking to Satyendra during the break between the French and the Commerce period. But why were you chatting with him as if he was your best buddy? You know I don't like him. You yourself has seen him making fun of me in the class by calling me chooyi chooyi. And still you were talking to him! Even though he insults me so much!
Your excuse of being pally with Sattu was that you can't spoil all your relationships just because of me. I was so hurt and so we had a squabble. I had asked you to choose either me or those fucking people. The choice was between me who really is your friend and will help you when no one will come to you (may that day never comes) and those professional, worldly, selfish, false, disgusting people.
We had a long argument that ended with me walking back to the room while you going for samosas in Dharia ka dhaba. But later it dawned on me that perhaps you were being sensible. After all just because someone is nasty with me, it doesn't mean that you too should stop talking to that person. Pretensions have to be kept. One has to be worldly at times. And I know you may talk nicely to every awful guy and can share notes with all of them, but when it comes to heart of the matter, you love only me.
Anyway to make up for the afternoon, you had treated me to Dil To Pagal Hain. It is such a beautiful film about love and friendship.....
And oh yes, while I'm writing this letter, I can see the film poster you gifted to me, along with the audio cassette of Ek Duje Ke Liye, on my birthday. Shahrukh in a tight tee-shirt and black leather trousers is standing between Karisma and Madhuri and look Kris, they all are now pasted on our wall. (I'm smiling to myself and I'm thinking of you)
Kris, don't you think it is a remarkable coincidence that both of us are so fond of this film. You know that Dil To Pagal Hain was taglined 'Someone somewhere is made for you'. Is it just a chance that both of us love that film so much? Huh? Tell me? And I know how crazy you are about the songs. You listen to them all night long.
Kris, one of my dreams is to travel in a train with you and the train is chugging through a thick jungle and it is a cold dark night and no one else is in the coach and it is only two of us and that 'dholna' song is playing from the film. And both of us are feeling cold so we are huddled inside a warm blanket. And then the train stops at an obscure railway station where we have chai from a mitti ka kulhar. Oh, can this dream come true someday Kris?
Coming back to that evening, the film ended late at night. It was playing in Swati Cinema. We had a 'dutch' dinner at Apsara restaurant. There was nobody there except a 'pair' sitting behind us. I had vegetable chowmein and you ordered Tandoori Roti and Palak-Paneer. Of course both of us shared our meals. Kris, I can still feel the taste of that Roti.
Kris, till that evening I just thought of you as a friend. As my best friend. As my best buddy in the world! All the rest in our institute are so selfish and so mean. But you are so pure of heart. Hey, you remember that night when I was leaving for home. You had come to drop me off at the station and just as the guard beamed the green light, sharp at 10:25 pm, you suddenly disappeared.
I was confused and looked for you from the window (a family that had crowded towards it to shakes hands with somebody outside was blocking my view) and then the train started moving and suddenly I saw you running towards my coach and then you asked me to hold your hand and even as the train had picked up speed and you had started panting and huffing with all your running, you shouted, 'Harsh I have got something for you', and then I saw a Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate in my hands and I was so happy. You knew that is my favorite chocolate. I ate it all sitting by the window-side.
Kris, do you know that I still have the wrapper of that chocolate with me. Both the outside cover and the inner silver foil! I have preserved it all. Do you want to see it? It is in my suitcase in the room here.
But yes I was talking about that night. We saw Dil To Pagal Hain and then we had dinner in Apsara and then we returned back to the room. And then it happened. I am not sure what the time was but I felt your hand caressing the back of my neck. It felt so cool and warm at the same time. I felt like coming closer to you and so I hugged you in my arms but I pretended to be asleep and even faked snores. You also seemed to be sleeping. And then you slipped your hand inside my shirt and started stroking my back and it was so nice and I too did the same to you and then we hugged each other harder. You then moved your hands inside my knickers and I felt so shy but so pleasant. I brushed my hands on your cheeks and up through your hair and they were so silky and smooth and straight. I like the way your hair fall on your face. You look very cute then. But the best part was when you started kissing me on my neck and then we snuggled so tightly to each other that I swear I could feel everything of yours. Everything. I mean everything.
The next morning you were looking so handsome and so sweet in your sleep. It was then that I really realized for the first time in my life that how good looking you are. You always looked like Shahrukh Khan but only better. Shahrukh is wheatish while you are so fair complexioned.
You were no longer in the bed when I returned after having Chai and Bread-Pakora in the dining hall downstairs. You were brushing your teeth while standing against the window dressed only in your shorts and baniyan and suddenly my eyes noticed (oh Kris please do not think me dirty after reading this. The thing is I don't want to be insincere while baring my innermost emotions and I want to pour out all my heart and I want to be cent percent honest with you) your thighs which were so beautifully shaped and so magnificent to look at and so stealthily rippling with muscles.
Oh I'm sorry Kris, but I had an urge during that instant to clutch your thighs and kiss them like a person gone insane. I wanted to spend all my life under your legs. Licking them all the while.
I love you Kris. And I felt so happy seeing you brushing your teeth. I remembered our previous night. I tried to imagine every moment of our intimacy when you made love to me. During that entire time, you were mine and I was yours. Your body was mine and your thighs too belonged to me.
I love you Kris. Completely. Absolutely. Unconditionally.
But both of us were so embarrassed. We pretended as if nothing has happened although I know that both of us had enjoyed it and I was silently rejoicing from within. It was from that day onwards Kris that you ceased to be my friend. You became my lover!
Anyway let's come back to that first day that followed the first night of our special closeness. I wanted the day to end soon. I happily swimmed through the boring lectures, survived the lunch time surrounded by nasty people with whom I feel so uncomfortable (Vinay Jaiswal, Pankaj Mohan, Anupam Sharma, Siddhartha Gupta, Mayank Singh, Punit Mahajan) and I desired nothing but for the night to arrive quickly.
And it again happened. The second night too. It was so good. I in your arms, and you in mine. The world seemed so safe. And the good breezy feeling even dissolved my depression.
But Kris now what has happened to you? We had such a good time together for few days and suddenly you stopped. Now if I 'accidentally' let my hand slide inside your shirt, you move it away and shift further from me. I feel so helpless and frustrated. I want to touch you, to kiss you, to hold you like we used to do 'earlier', but hey Kris what has happened to you? I know you also like it. I know you love me Kris.
Listen, I swear that I will never discuss this thing with you during the day time. I will never embarrass you but can't we carry on with it? It is so lovely, safe and secure when I clutch you tightly in my arms. It is so wonderful when I press my head so near to your heart that I can listen to the pumping of your blood. It is so thrilling when my naked legs interlock yours (I'm sorry Kris but please do not think me vulgar....I mean every word of what I'm saying)...it is so tingling to feel the mild hairiness of your legs that tapers off as we go up towards your thighs. I have even started liking the pattern of the hair on your chest. I like smelling your deodorized armpits.
Last Sunday when you dejectedly dumped off your sweaty black tee-shirt after losing that cricket match with Awasthi's team, I had secretly hidden it inside my bag. Now when every time I miss you or think of you, I just take that tee shirt out and smell you and then I stop feeling lonely.
Oh I love you Kris. I can do anything for you. You have become so close to me, closer than my own parents or my brothers. I can live for you. I can die for you.
But please love me, hold me, kiss me. Don't throw away this beautiful thing which we have created even though if it was by accident. It is so tender and so fragile. Don't break it. Please.
But you behave so strangely nowadays. And I have again started feeling depressed. On Wednesday evening when you were in Rajeev Bhatia's room, I was feeling so alone and I missed you so much. When I took out your tee-shirt, it teased me of your absence. I turned to those Dairy Milk wrappers but they only made me miss you more. I had tears in my eyes. I went down. Everyone was watching a film in the dining hall television and I quietly went out and walked towards the football ground and when I listened to the shudder-shudder of Neelanchal Express crossing the Mahanadi bridge far away, I started crying. I was missing you. I was missing my Momdad. I was feeling so depressed and so scared of the world that I wanted to go back into my mother's womb.
Kris, please think seriously on what I'm proposing. See, you will never ever find a person like me ever again who can love you so much and so sincerely. I can even help out with any amount of money if you have any trouble in the future. Besides I'm not asking for anything impossible. I just want that we should let this thing which is between us continue. You do not have to commit anything. Listen, you like it and I like it. Listen, you love me and I love you. So what's the problem? Nobody will know!
Oh Kris, please say yes. I hope you will write a positive reply to me. I don't want you to talk it out to me face-to-face. I will not be able to meet your eyes. Whatever be your reply, please write it out and keep the letter under my pillow. Just as I'm doing with this letter.
Remember Kris whatever be your response I shall always love you.
Yours,
Only yours and nobody else's,
Harsh
ps: will you like to go to Dil To Pagal Hain this evening? I will pay for the tickets.
Kris's Reply
Dear Harsh,
You are a very good friend of mine. But I'm not that kind of person. Let's be clear. I like girls. Whatever happened is a thing of the past. Whenever I did those things, I imagined it as if I'm doing it to a girl. Forget it like a bad dream. I will always be your friend.
If you want, we can go to Dil To Pagal Hain again.
With friendly affection,
Krishnapal
Mayank Austen Soofi owns a private library and four blogs: The Delhi Walla, Pakistan Paindabad, Ruined By Reading, and Mayank Austen Soofi Photos. Contact: mayankaustensoofi@gmail.com
Fiction: Brokeback Mountain, Desi Version!
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deepti lamba
URL
May 12, 2006
11:44 AM
Poignant story, Mayank. Harsh will probaby move on and would Kris ever truly be comfortable with himself?
If we can't love ourselves for who we really are then is it possible for us to have fufilling relationships?
Aaman
URL
May 12, 2006
11:59 AM
Your best yet, your tendency to tangentially go off into different directions actually works well here.
Will we hear from Harsh and Krish again?
Lakshmikanth
URL
May 12, 2006
02:42 PM
LOL!!
Loved the story!!!!!
Keep writing dude..
I had a friend who had an experience like this one.
Ofcourse it kinda shows how desperate Kris was for a girl... I stayed in a hostel and i knew of a lot of people who becomme gays temporarily to exploit the real gays out there. It also happens in the jails!
Good story!
deepti lamba
URL
May 12, 2006
05:51 PM
laks, those hostlers were probably bisexual
Lakshmikanth
URL
May 12, 2006
06:59 PM
dee:I dont know.. but have heard that some dudes do become homosexual if they are enclosed together for a long time.
Kris was to harsh on Harsh though.. they could have had some fun time together!
deepti lamba
URL
May 12, 2006
07:26 PM
Well, laks it isnt as if they couldnt have saved some cash to get some;) Sounds like a rather lame excuse on their part.
Or, they did fall in love with each other and sex was merely an expression of their love but as in Brokeback mountain they denied they sexuality till the very end.
But my belief is that people are born with sexual preferences ;it isnt a matter of choice.
That being said there are others who like to experiment and all in all if two adults are consenting then its none of my business:)
Lakshmikanth
URL
May 12, 2006
09:18 PM
what u said is true....lame excuse indeed... i thought it was because of sexual repression.
i guess Kris was indeed to harsh on Harsh and himself... and probably did love Harsh as much Harsh loved him.
Well,,.. who knows!!!
Sakshi
URL
May 13, 2006
02:47 AM
I guess..even falling in love/lust has a lot to do with our surrounding environment. Maybe...if there was a girl there in Kris's life...he wouldnt have got sexual with Harsh. Or maybe Kris is just afraid, like many in his situation.
It reminds me of a movie, 'Lost and Delirious', where two females (best friends) are inlove...but when one of girls's sister finds out about it....the girl blames her best friend for forceing her into the sexual act.
deepti lamba
URL
May 13, 2006
02:53 AM
Saks, by your explanation, then we all are bisexual who would do each other if the opposite sex is unavailable.
No offence but tomorrow if the world comprises of only women, I'd rather get a dildo than do my best friend;)
laurent
May 13, 2006
03:41 AM
A charming and poignant story about the usual gay life in India I guess. And in a concise way, a precise analysis of the way somebody can miss us, in our flesh, in our memory. Also great because you become free from the huge influence of Jane Austen to speak about your daily life, Tandoori rotis, Bollywood movies.
Righta
URL
May 13, 2006
07:44 AM
Yuckkkkkkkkkkkkk
But great man, u have some balls to tell such a repulsive story.
Tony
May 13, 2006
10:34 AM
There's nothing repulsive about it - merely projects your homophobic attitude
Righta
URL
May 13, 2006
02:42 PM
yeah right!
Sakshi
URL
May 13, 2006
03:02 PM
Deepti - I guess I should have been a bit more explainatory in my previous comment. What I meant was....from the story narrated above...it appeared (to me) that maybe Kris was NOT inlove with Harsh....a used him just to get over his sexual urge.
But then again...only KRIS knows the real truth.
Sakshi
URL
May 13, 2006
03:03 PM
Deepti - BTW have you heard of the Rabbit (dildo) one. :)
deepti lamba
URL
May 13, 2006
03:09 PM
Hehe, need to ask the absent author about Kris's intentions and as far as the dildo goes I got to know a new one but that would be a topic for some other time;)
Lakshmikanth
URL
May 13, 2006
04:14 PM
Rabbit dildo... HEH now that news for me!!! Lol...
Sakshi
URL
May 13, 2006
04:32 PM
Deepti - Come'on you can't keep a sista waiting for long...atleast not on such highly valuable info.
deepti lamba
URL
May 13, 2006
08:05 PM
Saks, er...I can send you info about the new one (atleast new for me) via email - let's just it's a tickler.
Indian
URL
May 14, 2006
01:13 AM
ah there u r 2 lesbians;
[TYPICAL HARD-UP MALE WISH--FULFILMENT FANTASY EXPRESSION]
No doubt India is liberated...
temporal
URL
May 14, 2006
01:47 AM
#20:
judgemental
Sakshi
URL
May 14, 2006
02:46 AM
#20 - Simply too good.
Deepti - Moi waiting for 'that' e-mail. :)
Temp - Come on yaar, give 'Indian' a break....he is just missing some action in his life.
Righta
URL
May 14, 2006
02:50 AM
Shouldn't it ave been Judgmental, but I am not a good english writer(along with kush). I really wonder if its fashionable to expose ones skewed(or otherwise) sexuality in public and wait for endorsements of the same from other confused souls.
Sakshi
URL
May 14, 2006
05:33 AM
Righta - Ya, you are so damn on target. NOT !
Kush
URL
May 14, 2006
06:02 AM
Now I am not confused!!!
Greay truth...
Mayank 'Austen'
URL
May 14, 2006
07:04 AM
so many comments! thanks. it makes one feel good. no, great! thanks aaman. thanks deepti. thanks sakshi. thanks lakshmikanth. thanks laurent. i always look forward to what temporal has to say about my pieces. but he has been quiet on this one. i want to write to each and every comment. but please pardon me for a while. it is sunday afternoon and am just back from the sunday book bazaar in daryaganj. it is very hot and my insides are simmering and boiling and i swear that my organs have become soft with all this slow broiling. im feeling very tired. very exhausted. but very happy also. got two old books on new yorker magazine. got a first edition of david remnick's sexy book on russia. got a quaint 50s picture-book book on london and another on san francisco...and many others....but im so tired and i just want to take a cold water shower and then i want to have a long cool sleep in my air-conditioned library. i plan to spend the evening reading david remnick's brand new book 'reporting' and then perhaps i will read a bit of romeo-juliet.......but right now i just wnat to crash down on bed. meanwhile i just wanted to thank all my friends for their thoughtfulness in writing comments. it encourages me. and it give me kicks that somebody finds them intresting enough to actually contempelate on the future life of the characters of my imagination. but i also want to know my flaws so that i can work on them. my dream is to write fiction as flawless as appear in, say, the new yorker. i admit im very bad right now. no sense of grammar! no senstivity to punctuations. no grace in plots. no sensibilities about narration. but one word at a time.....perhaps if i work really hard....and its so tough...i need to make money...i need to be reasonably decent in my day job so that im not kicked out.....oh what am i uttering..sorry folks! but i promise to write a honest response to all your queries regarding this my story......but may be morrow.....im too tired.....too drained out for any thought-out cohrence.....but just wanted to let my friends know that i have read all their comments and they all deserve a intelligent reply......
Righta
URL
May 14, 2006
09:45 AM
Whens the next edition of "Hairy met Sallu"!. And may be a complimentary 'Dildo Dreams', lets wash it all in public.......
temporal
URL
May 14, 2006
11:37 AM
#20.21,23 and 27:
leaving judgmental aside for the moment
this last (#27)...is it fantasy or phantasy
:)
ps: or is it a believe, conjecture, dream, envisage, envision, guess, head trip, image, inference, make up, picture, reckoning, supposition, vision, visualization
temporal
URL
May 14, 2006
12:21 PM
Mayank:
when i read the story yesterday dee had put her comments on it already and i chuckled and agreed with her comments...couldn't have added more...then got distracted and moved to other things not realizing i had not posted my comments...my remiss...
shrieking bat
May 15, 2006
01:45 AM
one of the best stories i have read in desicritics. keep writing
Souazik
May 16, 2006
05:18 AM
I agree with deepti.
Even though I realized much later, in retrospect i suspect i was gay all along.
there's no choice. those who "become" gay are clearly fooling around.
great stuff
Dharman
May 16, 2006
07:33 AM
Great story. Good humor. A loud laugh. Enjoyed it tremendously.
Queer
URL
May 16, 2006
07:32 PM
A really moving one. Good work.
dfSDf
URL
May 17, 2006
02:38 PM
IT was soooo touching to hear about to gay guys. [sarcastic] Kris did the right thing. Don't in to your sinful desires.
bandra guy
May 18, 2006
07:07 AM
its so sad. sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sobsob sob sob sobsob sob sob sobsob sob sob sobsob sob sob sob.....
sameer
May 18, 2006
07:49 AM
Anyone who had a hard-on after reading the story is surely a gay...!!! Yucccccckkkkkk story..!
deepti lamba
URL
May 18, 2006
02:38 PM
To comments 34,35 and 36- grow the fuck up
Woman
May 18, 2006
11:43 PM
Righta aka sameer aka Indian aka...so many more. Now is that OK ?
Aaman Chota
URL
May 19, 2006
07:00 PM
Dilli ke nazare
Dear Taneja,
I got out of metro outside CP and started walking towards Red Fort. Then I notice you are coming in opposite direction on cycil rickshaw. As your lungi lifted in the breeze when you pedaled the metal, I was turned on and I have become yours ever since. When shall we marry ? Shall I book marriage hall in Gurgaon or Vasant Vihar ? Do tell.
Paresh
Dear Paresh,
I am only a simple cycil rickshaw wala. My wife lives in Gurgaon and mistress in Defence Colony. But if you can book a hall in Rohini West I can take the metro and meet you there for chai as I have urgent business under the flyover with Motilal Screwvala.
Taneja
Dear Paresh,
When you meet Taneja at Rohini West you go three blocks towards seventh sector and then turn left you will get Agarwal Sweets. There you buy one kg peda and send the parcel with Taneja as I like Agarwal's peda very much.
Taneja's mistress
Dear Paresh,
When you meet Taneja at Rohini West you go three blocks towards fourth sector and then turn right you will get Vishal Electricals. There you buy one 50 watt bulb because our house is very dark after Taneja fused the bulb by repeatedly switching the bulb on and off like Ek Duje Ke Liye to attract his mistress when I was making Red Label Chai in the kitchen.
Taneja's wife
Dear Taneja,
First I am thinking I was mistaken in arranging rendezvouz at Rohini because your wife and mistress also have some contacts in this area. But now I have got a brain wave. Why don't you buy three tickets in metro and bring along your wife and mistress. We can have a foursome orgy under the flyover before I meet Screwvala.
Paresh
Dear Paresh,
Since last week I have been waiting to supply the screw for Taneja's rickshaw front wheel but now his wife and mistress arrival has left me in deep ecstasy. Let us screw the rickshaw later, right now we must screw our guests, don't you know the muhavara athithi devo bhava, guest is like god so screw first for guest later on cycil rickshaw.
Motilal Screwvala
Dear Screwvala, wife, mistress and Paresh,
I am but a humble cycil rickshaw driver from a mountainous village in Uttaranchal. How you can pervert my mind with such ashleel thoughts I cannot begin to fathom. To cleanse my soul I am going to do teerth yatra in Dwarka. Please confirm if the Delhi metro goes all the way to Dwarka or I have to change trains at CP.
Taneja
Dear Delhi residents,
I am Sreedharan, IAS class of 1953, sole architect of Delhi metro. But I am ashamed to see my pet creation, my dream project, my gaurav ka chirag, turned into a sex trailmap. Don't you guys get any action at home ? Every night we are doing five hours load shedding. How much time you need to get your dick up ? Still on top of that you are planning dirty voyages on my sacred metro. I will personally blow the fuse on my metro and it will come to a halt right in front of PMO and it will never start again that is my sacred vow.
MS. Sreedharan, IAS 53 Batch.
Dear Sreedharan saab,
Metro fusebox rate is only 437 rupees 75 paise. Aapke liye chalo 75 paise maaf. You give me only 400 rupees and 1 kg peda which you can get at Agarawal Sweets in Rohini fourth sector. First you take metro to Rohini East, then blow off the fuse after that you walk to Agarwal it is nearby only three blocks to left.
Vishal Sharma,Proprietor of Vishal Electricals.
Dear Peda lovers,
After all this screwing under the flyover you can come together ( forgive the pun ) to my shop on cycil rickshaw itself. I will have garam garam peda ready along with Kesar Pista Milk Shake.
Ketaki Agarwal, for Agarwalk Sweets & Kheer.
The end...or the beginning ?
Yash Johar Productions
Mayank 'Austen'
URL
May 20, 2006
01:22 AM
Aaman Chota, keep it up! very descriptive. Your story deserves a seperate page. Must not be lost among comments.
PerihelionFlux
URL
May 29, 2006
08:48 AM
Mayank: real wistful tale of lost innocence and unrequited love. Keep it up (I mean, the storytelling)
Aaman Chota: Hilarious piece! throw some chatpati gujia in there as well, which you can get from nath halwai in chawadi bazaar. to get there, take a lickshaw from bada mohalla to chhota mohalla and pull a runner just before mardani gutka shop. and ignore shammi chakka exposing himself across the open drain and head straight for nath halwai...
Mayank 'Austen'
URL
May 31, 2006
01:41 AM
PerihelionFlux, thanks for your comments. The words you used - lost innocence and unrequited love - accurately captures the spirit of my story.
PerihelionFlux
URL
May 31, 2006
06:23 AM
Mayank, well i'm glad for that!
and words are all that are left to sound out the hollowness of the heart after the beloved that was residing in the heart vacated it, like a tenant at the end of his/her lease.
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URL
November 16, 2006
10:08 PM
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