SATIRE

President Bush to Entrust Brother With Safekeeping of Country Till Twins Grow Up

May 11, 2006
gawker

With both his teenaged daughters declining to assume control of America after their father finishes his second term, President Bush has announced that the stewardship of the country will instead be handed over to his brother Jeb Bush (via RawStory).

The twins Barbara and Jenna, in spite of being next in line to the throne after their father relinquishes his white-knuckled grip over the country's testicles, have opted to stay in college till they gain a working knowledge about the duties and perks of the American presidency. "It's like I really want to be a war chick n stuff, but a girl only gets one coke snorting binge drinking childhood, you know what I mean", said Jenna Bush, also known among presidential historians as "The Hot One".

The president has agreed to his daughters' request, asking Congress to deliver the reigns of power to his brother Jeb after November 2008, when he is done with "all that prezdental crap". Although Jeb Bush, who is currently the governor of Florida, will have full control of the country's illegal wiretaps and torture chambers for the next few years, the president has clarified that he will only be a temporary keeper of America's keys while the twins grow up and are schooled in the traditions and customs of a Bush presidency.

The Bush twins are the youngest scions of the glorious dynasty of American presidents that was established by the current president's father, George H. W. Bush. Once the twins are ready to ascend to the Crawford throne, they will undergo a ritualistic crowning ceremony at the ranch where a tiara made out of the bones of Iraqi children will be placed upon both their heads while Harry Reid, the Democratic Senate minority leader, in a symbolic sacrifice, will be stripped naked and gutted, his blood being allowed to flow into a chalice of gold, out of which the twins will then take delicate sips to solemnize their absolute authority over the country and its bodily fluids.

On being asked for a comment, the future tyrants Barbara and Jenna Bush said, "Oh we just can't wait to become president. Uncle Karl is already teaching us how to hire incompetents and leak matters vital to national security."

In order to avoid sibling rivalry and spats, power will be vested equally in each twin and any administrative conflicts that might arise will be resolved through a game of rock, paper, scissors. However, serious disagreements will have to be sorted out through the more brutal medium of pillow fighting.

"I'll do my job and save all the best wars for when they enter the White House", said Jeb Bush, on being asked how he planned to carry out his mission of temporary guardianship of the country while his nieces grow up. "It will be great to stay in the White House for a while and enjoy the peace and quiet. They really have nice soundproof walls over there which do a great job of masking out the wails of the screaming disaffected masses outside".

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President Bush to Entrust Brother With Safekeeping of Country Till Twins Grow Up

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#1
Sujatha
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May 11, 2006
06:51 AM

G, right on the money!

Just as I was about to read this this morning, N asked me if Clinton's mom was a President. I said no and then he asked me if Clinton's dad was a President. I said no, that's not the way the presidency works and that it works that way only with kings and queens. Then his next question was, "how come George Bush's father was also a President then?"

Then I turned to my computer screen and found this.

#2
Sakshi
URL
May 11, 2006
08:27 AM

What you have to say about the Gandhi family?

#3
gawker
URL
May 11, 2006
08:28 AM

Thanks Sujatha. Hehe, damn coincidence. But boy, your son, he's a smart one. But you lied to him, really. These days, theres very little difference between a democracy and a monarchy.

#4
gawker
URL
May 11, 2006
08:37 AM

I have the same feelings about dynasties wherever they are. However, there's a slight difference in the two cases. In Bush's case, him being the older Bush's son helped him raise money, contacts as well as gain exposure during his presidential campaign. In Sonia Gandhi's case it's as much a case of her taking advantage of Indians' awe about the Gandhi dynasty as it is about the Congress taking advantage of her to gain power. Reprehensible in either case.

#5
Righta
URL
May 11, 2006
10:15 AM

Gandhi family is rubberstamp, whereas Bush family makes the rest rubberstamps

#6
temporal
URL
May 11, 2006
12:13 PM

lord acton modified--power perpetuates, and absolute power perpetuates absolutely;)

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