Love, Grief, Pain, and a Kitten

To some, love comes easily. It is as easy as making an eye contact and forming bonds of eternal attachment and for others love takes time. My love for my husband and my two children was love at first sight. It was as if I had loved them forever. Loving them came easy, but loving Zoey took time. She came into our lives incidentally, a kitten picked up from a Pet Shop on my birthday - unwell, as we discovered later. She had snuggled under my heart and purred. My desire for a pet and pleading for her as a birthday gift melted Aaman’s heart and instead of going for my birthday dinner, we found ourselves heading home with a little kitten sleeping on my lap.

Her first night at home was bad. She farted and pooped all over my bedroom. Aaman slept but I could hardly breathe. I wondered late into the night what I had got us into. In the morning, we took her to the vet and she was given oral medications. In between avoiding the sharp nips from her two-month old teeth as we tried to force the medicine down her teeth I wondered if I could still return her to the Pet Shop. They had given us a sick kitten. My heart didn’t bleed for that little furball and I began to brood. Part of me perceived her as an interloper who was trying to make inroads into my home and into the hearts of my family. The feeling was new to me and I didn’t like it.

To make matters worse as she recovered, the neighbor’s Tomcat decided to pay Zoey a visit and they had a silent commune at a window sill where he shared a few fleas with her. Zoey in a matter of days began to lose her fur and I had to take her to the vet again. I worried over her but my heart remained sullen. There was no love and I felt like a heartless woman. Flea meds were taken, litter bought, combs, brushes and even material to make a kitty quilt for Zoey was bought but I went through these motions without any joy.

The family had come to love Zoey. She had improved, the farts had stopped, she had taken to the litter, she played with the kids, snuggled up to Aaman and treated me like her surrogate mother. She’d sit on my fingers or try to grab them when I would type. She’d purr and sleep on my belly as I watched a movie and I would absent mindedly stroke her but instead of love, guilt assailed my heart. Didn’t I have any more love left in my heart to give?

Days passed and I found out I was pregnant again. My world came crashing down. I could not have a third child. My heart broke but there was no way I could evade the truth. Family and friends tried to reassure me that I wasn’t a scumbag for deciding otherwise. They didn’t even want to hear my tearful explanations. They all were there for me. Time had come to a standstill for me.

I went through the motions of taking care of Zoey but felt dead. Dead to everything around me, my heart was grieving for a child I would never know. I had an appointment to be admitted in a hospital for Termination on Monday but on Sunday I woke up with acute pain in my pelvic region and was rushed to the nearby hospital in Electronic City. The OB-GYN there told me I had severe UTI infection and the pregnancy - I cut her off brusquely. I didn’t want to give any more excuses on that front and told her I wanted it terminated.

She patted my hand and told me that being a mother of twins she knew how tough it was bringing children up the right way. I broke down in front of her. Sympathy has a way of breaking down all emotional barriers. I was put on strong medication to get rid of the infection and then a few days later pills to terminate the few weeks old pregnancy.

I returned home grimy and tired. Zoey greeted us at the door. Aaman played with her and the kids. I shut the door of my bedroom and slept. The week passed slowly and the only highlight was Zoey trying to make inroads into my bedroom. She kept trying to sneak in and I threw her out. The times I fell asleep, she would curl up next to me and sleep and then be promptly thrown out of my room once I woke up. I was getting used to the kitten and was coming to admire her persistency.

Things on the family front, however, didn’t look up. Within a few days Parita fell sick and was hospitalized. It broke our hearts watching our little two year old on a drip crying for help constantly. I sat up with her through the nights, cleaned her up when she threw up or had diarrhea. The nurses came in and out, there was no concept of time and we both barely slept. Aaman and Aayan were sent home at night because of Zoey and since the hospital was very stressful for Aayan.

On the third day we returned home with a tired but happy Parita and a numb mother. Zoey was happy to see me. The family was complete. But things didn’t end there. A few days later I woke up with very high fever and shivers. The UTI had not gone but flared up even more. The doctor wanted to admit me in the hospital but I didn’t want to neglect my kids. I was given shots, very strong medications and sent home. The weekend had gone to hell. I shivered and suffered from fever in my room. The medicines took time to work and I had banished everyone from my room but Zoey wouldn’t stay out.

Whenever Aaman entered to check on me she would be there. She took to sitting at the closed door making a straight bee line towards me when he entered. She was adamant that she wanted to be with me and not the family. Zoey was hard to say no to. In my feverish mind I saw a streak of white fluff scamper into the room and within a few seconds nestle up against me. I would mutter “Out! You little spawn of the devil! Out” but she would bat my face with a tender paw and curl up and sleep up on my twisted waist.

Aaman kept the kids busy, managed the meal times, my meds and tried to make me comfortable in between but it was Zoey who stayed with me or that’s how I remember it for whenever I opened my eyes she was there, my little she-devil. She purred and greeted me when I woke up and watched me silently as I moaned and groaned.

Today I’m on the last leg of the medications and feeling kind of back to my normal self. Looking back at these two months I realize that sometimes love finds us, sometimes we find love and sometimes instead of love it is grief that we have to embrace. But life goes on and we too have to have to go with the flow. Zoey now has a place in my heart and sadly so does the memory of what could have been but was not meant to be.