Desicritics

Too Much Tweeting? Mum Tweeting Son's Death Causes Uproar

DesiGirl — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 12:23:24 EST

By day singing praises of social media and the latest wonder it is capable of and by night, decrying those who use the power of the same to reach out towards some support and solace. The media, the blogosphere, everyone is at it again. Shellie Ross, aka Twitterer Military_Mom, finds herself the latest victim of a modified witch hunt, wherein she is being pilloried for tweeting about her two year old son's fatal pool accident.

Shocked gasps must have resonated across cyberspace when, at 11.08 pm on Monday, Ross tweeted "Remembering my million dollar baby". So of course this makes her fair game as "which mother will calmly sit and type when such a calamity has befallen her?"

What does one do when a loved one passes away? Ring close friends and relatives and pass on the message, who in turn do the same. When my baby cousin passed away suddenly in 2008, my mother and I rang many relatives to pass on the message. In fact, one of the first things we did on receiving the news, apart from falling apart crying, was ring one of my grandma's closest friends, who lives next door, asking her to go and sit with my inconsolable grandma. Not once did we pause to think: "why are we sitting here with a phone in our hand when such a horrible fate has befallen us?" Because that is what you do - in times of grief, and of course joy, we want our loved ones around us, to comfort us and grieve with us. In order to do so, news must be passed.

In the modern world, where social media gains more and more importance by the day, what is so astounding that Ross tweeted the worst news a mother can hear? Didn't that tweet cause her friends to rally around and support her in her darkest hour? What is so shocking that despite losing her son, she could sit and type out 140 characters to spell out the disaster of her life? How different is it from picking up a phone, dialing numbers and verbalising the disaster?

Poor Shellie Ross - not only must she come to terms with the loss of her two-year-old, she must first defend herself against people who cannot believe she used the latest technology to let the world know of what is happening in her life. If you can use Twitter or Facebook to tomtom your latest achievement, post photos of your children and even moan your migraine, what is wrong from using it to gain some much-needed support?

Some people should get a life. And leave the grieving ones to their grief.

Illness, Morbid Thoughts and Lack Of Sun

Deepti Lamba — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 11:33:28 EST

Last week I fell sick and then was deprived of cable and Internet as well. The landline was dead and the cable bill had to be paid and to top it all my help went off on his usual one month leave. It seemed as if the gods were conspiring against me. Between the nasty coughs, short breaths and general low feeling, I woke up at the crack of dawn, cooked and packed tiffin for the kids and did my nasty mundane chores.

Each day seemed like the day before - lousy to the core and the nights were the worst when I had to put two pillows under my head and still felt like a fish out of water - gasping, choking and unable to sleep.

It felt as if I was the only one manning the castle. The truth couldn't be further than that. I suffered the downside of living in a nuclear family - there is no support structure to fall back on. Initally the kids fell sick, then Aaman and finally me. We were one sick family and between the chest racking coughs, watery eyes and desperate painful breaths I remembered the movie Secret Lives Of Dentists where illness brought the couple back together.

Yes, nothing like feeling like death warmed over to re-ignite the dying embers of passionate love. But for me, love was the last thing on my mind. I could hear loud coughing noises from the kids' room and from my hubby lying next to me on the bed.

We coughed and we suffered and even as the kids bounced back and so did Aaman, I remained my whiny exhausted self. Life seemed miserable and days became gloomy as well.

There was no sun for a week and it rained tirelessly. I didn't enjoy the sound of water feeding my garden, nor the cool winds but wanted the Bangalore sun to heat my muscus-ridden chest and stuffy nose.

I was one miserable chick then and even now with the occasional cough I continue to feel a bit morose. Illness does that. It takes time to get back to one's usual self after a battle with germs and viruses and more so if one happens to be an exhausted parent of a nuclear family.

When Kids Ask About Death

Deepti Lamba — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 12:32:55 EDT

How do we talk about death to our kids? While walking through the cemetery in Ooty my four year old and I had a conversation about death. Just like we talked about birds, bees and the weeds that grew gently around the marble slabs, under which rested the bones of those long gone I spoke about the time when we all are laid to rest.

Her small little hand rested in mine as we walked down the worn out steps. The sun was resting and the cold wind gently blew her mousy hair in her eyes. Gently she told me she was going to die there and I replied that I didn't think so. I told her that she would probably be way older than me before she died.

She accepted with a nod and asked if she was going to die somewhere else and I answered truthfully that I had no idea when and where she would die but probably not here.

We walked out of that sad little place and that was the end of our conversation till I spoke to my mom and my daughter happily related to her grandmom that she had visited an old cemetery.

Today, while watching the news my 7 year old son pointed out there there had been more swine flu deaths, one in Delhi and one in Bangalore. He opened up his science encyclopaedia looking for H1N1. Obviously, it had no information on it yet, so we had a conversation about the flu and again I found myself talking about death in a matter of fact manner.

I told him if diagnosed at the right time, most people get well but then sometimes people aren't that lucky. Sometimes death happens. He looked at me and nodded, put his book back in his cupboard and that was the end of the conversation.

These are harsh realities that we cannot deny.

I know it can hit me or my loved ones, my friends, my neighbours or my entire world any time. We live on borrowed time or in a dream when all that was no longer exists except for the present moment that we live in and that too dies and another ticks in.

Death is a greater teacher than life for death makes most of us love life.

In my daughter's class there was a child who had swine flu. The school shut down for fumigation and Monday classes will resume. Our kids will return to school. Death is a fear every parent leaves unvoiced in their hearts. A reality given in this uncertain world.

At the cemetery, I picked my daughter up and kissed her soft cold cheeks and told her she would see me with white hair and bent over and that death would have to wait for us a long time.

A hopeful wish, my heart whispered, knowing death was non negotiable. My kids would also know this reality some time in the near future and there is no way of sugar coating death or skirting around it.

Like all things, it needs to be talked about when kids ask questions.

When You Have Small Kids, The World is Wonderland

Deepti Lamba — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 09:35:32 EDT

When you have small kids the world takes on the surrealism of Alice in Wonderland. Every minute spent with them or because of them is wondrous, exasperating, and insane.

Here is a quick list of what happens when you have small kids:

Your Newly Painted Walls Don't Remain Pristine Beyond The First Few Days

You may put the fear of God in them but walls in the kiddie mind are blank canvases to be expressed upon. Kiddie murals, graffiti or stickers on the walls have you cry - How could you?! How could you be so heartless? All that money spent. And the kiddie wounded eyes look back- Mommie, don't you like my picture? Mommie, don't you love me no more?!

You No Longer Know Best

We all have been there. Its the school teacher who knows best. That perky young kindergarten teacher with the easy smile becomes the love of their little lives and you their home slave. And heaven help us all if the teacher shows her clay feet and teaches them something wrong. Then its a - no, she is wrong with this one. And the reply is - no you are wrong. And the battle ensues. No she is wrong. No you. No she..no you!! No! No! No!

Kiddie Puke Doesn't Seem All That Bad

The little one falls sick and throws up on you. Bits of regurgitated food stuff sticks your clothes to your skin. The child sees the mess and gets more upset and cries. Your heart breaks and you hold the kid closer to your heart crooning away. What puke?

Or you are sitting in a restaurant and a kid throws up on the next table. You pause for a minute to see if the parents have got it and when assured they know what to do you resume eating. Kiddie puke no longer revolts you.

You Are Always Sleep Deprived

Even on a ordinary night you find you really cannot sleep as if dead to the world. That parental ear is always on the alert. A small cry or a childish whisper against your ear has you awake in a jiffy.

Dirt Comes Home To Stay

You may be a complete psycho when it comes to cleanliness but kids revel in dirt. They return home covered in dirty after school. Dirt hides under their finger nails, behind their ears, their hair and even in their shoes. And despite the scrubbing the story repeats itself the next day.

You Ban Colas And Junk Food From The House

Gone are the days when you kept Doritos, Pringles, Coke/Pepsi in your home. Its all about fruits, vegetables, whole grained breads and lean meats. You start thinking organic and may even want to hug a tree.

You Cannot Turn a Deaf Ear To The Sibling Fights

They get up fighting, they go to sleep fighting. They fight in the car, at the grocery store, in the bathroom while brushing their teeth, while eating, while studying and even fight with each other while sleeping! The fights drive you insane and though you tell yourself- Deaf ear! I will turn a deaf ear. You find yourself mouthing the same words that your mother hollered at you when you and your siblings drove her mad.

You Become A Kid Yourself

Now that is the pleasure of being in the company of young ones when adults can get away clowning. You can come up with weird nonsensical songs, tease them, play with them or just act plain silly and they love you for it.

You Come To Appreciate Your Parents

Between all the worry and being driven crazy by the little ones, your own childhood memories flash in your mind and you remember the times you drove your parents over the bend with worry. And you tend to respect them even more for being able to bring you up in one piece.

You Feel For Parents With Kids Throwing Tantrums

Even the most angelic child has a meltdown period when she is inconsolable. And if it happens in public the parents especially those who are new to the game suffer tremendously. The veteran parents generally feel surge of sympathy for those suffering at the little hands. Exceptions are always there at the same time.

You Find Food Stored In Your Couch

Yeah, dig deep enough and you fill find cookies or bread down there. Don't believe me try it!

You Find Your Kid Wants To Visit The Loo Just When You Sit Down To Eat

Just as you taste your food. the whine, I gotta pee has you groaning. Its as if their sixth sense is geared to know when you are about to finally sit down and eat.

You Finally Get A TV In Your Bedroom

You may not be gung ho about television but find you cannot watch movies or programs of adult nature in the living room even when kids are fast alseep in their beds. The idiot box comes to stay forever in your bedroom.

Your TV Screen Or PC Screen Always Has Kiddie Finger Prints

Again, fear of god, mother or father doesn't work. They can't help their little hands. Hands are, after all, there to touch and feel especially anything that is electronic!

The Kids' Pediatrician Knows You By Name And Also Your Woes

A worried parent is a common sight and a knowledgeable pediatrician with a gentle bedside manner sooths the parent as well as the sick child. Medicine provides most of the remedy but a calm collected parent infused with confidence provided by a good doctors helps tide over the ailment smoothly.

You No Longer Remain A Night Bird Or You Burn Your Candles On Both Ends

Early to bed, early to rise makes a child bright eyed and bushy tailed and the parent? The parent remains blurry eyed till the first cup of coffee and then the grind begins from six in the morning till twelve in the night.

You Find Yourself Laughing Despite Yourself

So the kid does something so insanely naughty that you find yourself overwhelmed with anger and you think that you are gonna be mad with your little person through the day but just a minute later that little person does something so funny or endearing that you cannot help but laugh. Emotions swing up and down through the day and in the end before you tuck your precious bundle in you remind the little one that you love her more than life itself.

POGO, Kellogg's Special K, and Body Image Issues

Deepti Lamba — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 14:11:46 EST

Yesterday just as we sat down at Coffee Day my seven year old eyed me and told me with twinkling eyes "Ma, You are fat." I gasped for breath. I asked him where he had heard about fat. He shook his head and gave me his usual - Don't know and dug into his Black Forest Cake.

I wasn't about to give him an explanation about fitting into a size 12 jeans after 4 months of rigorous work outs or that giving birth to him, his sister and taking care of them had made me 'fat'. I wasn't going down the defensive mode with a 7 year old child.

I was more interested in knowing where he had come across the concept of body image. And it didn't take me long. Today while the kids watched toons on POGO the Special K ad rolled in. And before my horrified eyes I heard a small girl talking about her mom looking like Aishwarya Rai and her mom laughed and said she had lost two kilos by being on Special K. The little angel ranted about her mom looking the prettiest in the school and my mouth hung open.

What kind of shit was this? I looked at my son and then back at the TV. It was bad enough that cable channels were feeding shit to our kids about junk food but now we had cereals sneaking in body image neurosis to our underage children.

Where is the protest from parents about these sorts of ads? Maybe its time Kellogg's was taken to court for propagating unhealthy habits to our kids. Can you imagine a kid asking just for sugary cereals for 2 meals to be skinny?

Anyone who has tasted Special K would tell you that its like sugary wood shavings. And to be on a cereal diet is the worst thing one can do to their body. Eating right and exercising is the best way to leading a healthy life.

Once the ad finished I spoke to my son and told him that not everything that is seen on TV is the truth. And that having a fat or skinny mother doesn't make the child happy, what makes a child happy is having a mommy who loves him.

And that if I ever heard him say those words to anyone I would personally come and teach him the meaning of respect.

He looked at me with big saucer eyes and asked 'Why?"

I replied that it was the meanest and most hurtful thing to say and he wasn't a mean boy.

His mind switched gears when he realized his mother was done lecturing and asked if he could go out and play. I nodded absentmindedly, still upset about the kind of bogeymen we were letting into our homes via kiddie channels.

First Day Of School And Anxious Parents

Deepti Lamba — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 05:44:22 EDT

Anxiety is an emotion difficult to counter. About three hundred parents thronged the cafeteria area and the courtyard while their barely three year olds attended their first day at school yesterday morning. Lots of tears were shed by the tots, teachers seemed distracted and the bus drivers were stalked and harassed by irate parents.

The otherwise tranquil school was in chaos. Dealing with parents especially with the newbie ones was tough. The school staff were polite, helpful but authoritative.

Parents strained against the railings, those having gone through similar experience the previous year where more relaxed and chatty. Some complained about the school and others remained mostly quiet.

Most came without eating their breakfast and like little children they strained against each other trying to get their order delivered first at the cafeteria. They hadn't forgotten their socialist upbringing- jump the queue, be rude, shove, push and never mind that you might be bumping into each other for the rest of the children's school years.

For about three hours we parents puttered around. Some of us exchanged numbers and some were seen sitting on the steps working on their laptops, some held work calls, some worried about the little ones left alone with the servants back home and a few were seen nodding off.

When the kids were let off section by section the wave of anxiety intensified. As the tots walked down the stairs parents reached out to clutch their children. A couple of mothers opened up the kids bags, saw the barely touched tiffins and complained, others demanded whether the teachers and aayas would accompany the kids which they were already doing.

Yellow school buses drove up the driveway, parents boarded the buses with their kids to make sure the buses stopped at the right bus stops, some got off to make their kids use the loo before the bus started and some fed their kids their tiffins and went on complaining about the number of kids in the classes, the early commute, the fees etc.

I sat with my kids in the front seat of the bus, eavesdropped but kept my mouth shut. It was exciting to see people out of their element. Some reacting with humor and patience and others getting harried, aggressive and defensive.

The buses drove off with parents, kids, teachers and aayas. Fights happened over the bus- stops, the route, I fell asleep with Parita curled up on my lap, woke up and found we were still trudging down the route no where close to our stop which incidentally happens to be the last stop and first to be picked up from.

The teacher sat next to me. Waves of anxiety from parents, kids, the teacher, aaya and the driver continued to ebb and flow. The cellphones continued to ring between the fathers who were following the bus (yes, there was an entire entourage of cars following the buses) and the mothers sitting in the bus.

It was an event I basked in. Never again will I experience others anxiety at such close quarters or their tender apprehensions for the apple of their eyes while they attended their first day at school.

Fiona MacKeown's Concept Of Freedom

Deepti Lamba — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 10:53:39 EDT

How many times have we heard our parents say to us, "Till the time you are under my roof you do as I say!"?

Frequently, I guess. They invaded our privacy, befriended our friends parents, set up spying networks with other parents , went through our personal diaries and mails, eyed our paramours and despite all our teenage hormonal rampages told us that what they did was for our own good, that they trusted us but not the world.

Those of us who saw love behind their actions forgave them but some did the rebel with a cause routine and further aggravated the situation.

Yes, 15 year olds do push their boundaries, they do get nasty, become head strong and like two year olds going through temper tantrums they refuse to listen to reason.

Do parents then bail out on them? The answer is a definite No!

In the movie Juno, the young teen has sex with her boyfriend and gets pregnant. She has a tough time breaking the news to her father and step mother.

Hard news for the parents to swallow but they were relieved that she was pregnant but not into drugs.

Initially I couldn't comprehend their reaction but as the movie progressed, Juno's father's and step mother's protective attitude towards their daughter, their silent support through her period of turmoil, while all the time respecting her need for privacy were sure signs of good parenting.

Parents know their children and their wild streaks. It is hard to direct them the right way once they are teenagers but one doesn't abandon them or begin to treat them like adults without making sure there is a safety net for them.

Though Juno had sex and then made an adult decision to give the baby up for adoption, but her father knew she was still just a teenager. She was still his child and he was going to make sure she wasn't taken for a ride. Thats what parents do.

Definitely not abandon them with their 25 year old boyfriend and his aged Auntie. Fiona Mackeown admitted she used to do Hashish but gave up when she saw her son doing it. She knew her daughter was sexually active, used to smoke cannabis and drink beer or Bacardi but was never out of control.

Then she proceeded to say that she regretted letting Scarlett return to Anjuna Beach, and like any 15 year old she was pushing her boundaries.

Drugs, sex and the determination to have adult freedom at any cost. No parent would in their right mind let a teenager with such habits out of their sights within their hometown, let alone in a strange country, especially in a place like Goa known for drugs and deviant behavior.

It was like leaving a child in a candy store thinking the tot won't go on a binge.

Scarlett was to stay with her boyfriend, take a bus to Karnataka every now and then, and meet her mother and siblings.

A 15 year old traveling alone in a country like India? What was the mother thinking?

Scarlett reportedly hooked up with the tour guide she was left with, then he and his aunt threw her out of the villa, she stayed at a guest house, ran out of money, got drunk, drugged, allegedly raped and was left for dead.

Fiona MacKeown returned and found out that her daughter had been raped and murdered and excused her own negligent behavior with "I didn't understand the culture or the mindset of the Goan boys, right up to when she was killed."

Didn't understand the culture? Maybe in her hippie world no one did anyone wrong but in Goa where the seedy underbelly is well known, what was the mother thinking by letting her child return to such a decadent place where in the month of January alone 16 foreigners had reportedly died?

Maybe in the hippie world, Freedom means not being able to say Over my dead body. Maybe it means getting stoned and having free sex and believing in everyone's Buddha nature but it all has consequences. .

Unfortunately for MacKeown, her free lifestyle cost her daughter's life. Yes, Goa should be safe, yes, there are lots of Indians who are racist and criminal in their intent and I agree the government and the Goan police should be pulled up for letting Goa become a sleaze joint, but that does not take away the mother's culpability in this entire tragedy.

She failed in the first rule of parenting - watching your child's back especially in a strange country.

Hoodwinking And YouTubing A Child's Humiliation

Deepti Lamba — Sun, 2 Mar 2008 09:15:08 EST

This video had me fuming. A kid named Jonathan had been 'had' by his insensitive family when they gave him clothes in an XBox carton. The poor kid was heartbroken, his family snickered and his older brother uploaded the video on YouTube to share his younger sibling's humiliation with the world.

Engadget featured the story and were so mad that they decided to send him an XBox and they were flooded with hundreds of emails from readers and from Microsoft wanting to help out the child.

What made me mad was just not the prank but the brother telling his brother- You know we cannot afford an XBox as if that gave legitimacy to the hoodwinking.

We all know that feeling when as kids we wanted something so bad that we could taste it and many a times our parents used our need to teach us the value of money or not to bow down to peer pressure in case we used the excuse that everyone has it and so should we.

But to play such a prank was mean. All they had to do was sit the kid down and tell him that they couldn't afford the console- plain and simple- their family couldn't afford such a novelty.

On digg, the story was dug over four thousand times and most considered the family to be douche bags. To some extent, sure, they completely lacked sense of humor but to say they were the worst parents was taking it too far.

Worst parents are those who leave their baby in car seat for eight days and play their video games causing the baby's death. Now that's neglect and abuse. The family obviously kept him warm, well fed and loved just that they lacked basic human sensitivity.

What happened in this case was an obnoxious prank that should not have been played on a kid. Adults have better coping mechanisms and generally are able to laugh these things off but to do this to a boy no more than eight or nine was just heartbreaking for most of us adults who watched the video.

Childhood Fights - Bonding Or Juvenile Misdemeanors?

Deepti Lamba — Wed, 6 Feb 2008 04:07:51 EST

When I saw this picture I found myself remembering the physical fights I had with my elder sister as kids. We loved each other, watched each others' backs but fought like stray cats.

Neighborhood fights were also common. We were as ferocious as the boys and knew the only way we could command respect was if we were ruthless in our fights with them. I was the nastiest of them all - the dirty tomboy who was particularly nasty to a little boy called Monty.

I used to pick on him always. Beat him up because I had a big crush on him. I was five back then and he a year older. When his family moved, I felt bad but forgot about him pretty soon.

As years passed, we stopped having physical fights. My elder sister and I verbally lashed out at each other or simply stopped speaking to each other for days on end. Our mixed gang of boys and girls broke.

People moved out, a new crowd came in, studies became paramount and we all hid behind our masks of social shyness. We were civilized teenagers who no longer gamboled around.

Once in a while we got to hear of 'cat fights' in the school loo but those too were rare and only a few 'boy' crazy girls had territorial fights over hapless dudes.

Thats how my life was until I was ten years old and was told that girls don't fight nor do they play with boys. I became a proper lady and reserved towards boys.

A couple of years later, Monty returned. His parents were visiting a neighbor and my mother dragged me over to meet them.

I saw Monty sitting in a room alone. He was a scrawny youth all grown up He was sixteen and I was fifteen. I found myself remembering all the nasty things I had done to him.

I felt embarrassed and didn't go over to talk to him. He didn't know I was looking in on him. He was reading a book. I returned home. We both had grown up, our fights were in the past and we were complete strangers towards each other.

Today, most of us, whether men or women, abhor violence but children tend to shove, punch and bite. Bullying is another problem that kids face. Children can be cruel and often they don't tell adults the kind of violence they face from their peer- its an unspoken code of conduct- either you stand up for yourself or be a part of an alpha person's group and with easy access to parent's guns we have tragedies on our hands.

What we used to settle with our fists and split lips has now taken a dangerous turn. Which is why even though I remember my childhood fighting days with nostalgia I now believe in a zero tolerance policy towards fighting in schools, playgrounds and to keep an eye on kids even on playdates.

Those days when we could sit back and say 'let the kids sort it out' are gone. Now the kids too have to play by adult rules for their own well being.

The Secret To Losing Weight

Deepti Lamba — Fri, 7 Dec 2007 10:07:46 EST

Want to lose weight without going on some exotic diet or sweating on a machine? Simple, get rid of your maids! Yes, I do mean your part-timer, your full timers, your nanny, and while you are at it - even your driver. You’d be up at six in the morning packing tiffins, making breakfasts, kissing the family good bye, maybe dropping hubby to work and returning only to clean up your house. Since most of us don’t have wall-to-wall carpets you’d be sweeping the floors on a bended back, wiping the floors on your hunches (if you are chicken like me, probably on your knees), dusting, making the beds, doing the laundry (for your sake I do hope you have a washing machine) Finally realizing that your kitchen wasn’t kept pristine clean by the maid you’d be back to cleaning, scrubbing and maybe redoing the dishes. The DISHES!

No need to do bench presses, your hands will forever be loving and cleaning those dishes, cups and their pretty little saucers, not to mention stuff like those big Pateelas, frying pans etc need I say more?

By the time you’d have time to breathe easy it would be early afternoon and if you have young tots returning all famished by lunch time, it would be back into the kitchen slaving over the stove, cleaning the pots and pans, the kitchen and with you wondering in the middle – Maybe a cup of tea in the middle? No, no – an extra pan! I cannot clean another pan. Suddenly tea would be too much of an effort. Your body will crave caffeine and sugar but your mind will be adamant in its decision that it’s being cruel to be kind.

No Sugar – an awesome way to diet.

Kiddies will come home or maybe you’d have to pick them up at the bus stop, a little cat nap in the car while waiting would probably be a good idea; not that the bus would leave with your kids. After the little nap and kiddies in the back you’d return home.

You’d have to change them, feed them, clean the dishes, referee their fights, try to get them to sleep and if they are balls of relentless energies like mine, you’d probably be babysitting them through the afternoon. Maybe you’d grab a bite if you have the time or maybe if you go as insane as I do, you won’t.

Come evening you’d be doggone tired but by then it would be again kitchen time; milk and sandwiches for the little pumpkins and dinner to be made. Ah, dinner - the one affair that all Stepford Wives are proud of. It wouldn’t seem so appealing but rarely do mothers and wives offer Cheerios for dinner, especially on weekdays.

Your body will complain but the perfectionist in you will egg you on - You are better than those witches you paid hard earned money to. You can do it, make better food, clean your home better and guess what? There is less wastage in the kitchen and you spend more time with your babies.

Our bodies once in a while can be fooled by pep talk and you’d find yourself cooking the best meal ever. It would be a labor of love - palak paneer, dal makhani, rice, paranthas, salad and a cake to end it all with.

Oh yeah! You’d be putting in the whole day instead of the one hour in a pricey gym – working those muscles all the way.

With the evening winding down and the kids too, by eight they will be in bed, with full bellies and your eyelids would be drooping while waiting for the man of the house to return.

But wait a minute - didn’t you forget something? After rigorous exercise hitting the showers is compulsory and with all the strenuous exercise you put in through the day you’d probably forget to take a bath. A warm soak in the tub is ideally recommended, think of it like a sauna but care must be taken not to doze off. Set an alarm, remember you can’t afford to nod off - no one is there to let hubby darling in.

Smelling all nice and limp like a noodle you’d wait for the love of your life to return. Hopefully he’d be home soon, if not let him warm up his meal! Those muscles need rest. After the meal is over, the dishes would have to be done again. It’s a good idea to get your sweet cheeks to exercise those arms along with you to clean the night dishes and clean the kitchen.

Get him to make tea for you but wait a minute - by then you would already be half asleep.

If you carry on this regimen for ten days, I can promise you a weight loss of at least three to four kilos.

However, before taking on this exercise plan, you must know the side effects – your sex life will probably suffer due to excessive tiredness, visits to the salon will become rare, no phone time to gossip with friends, you will look skinnier but with a kind of vacant eyed rumpled appearance and worst of all you may lose your sanity.

Is it a heavy price to pay? Think of a skinnier you. Isn’t it worth it? Best of all, this entire plan comes free of charge.

Side note: My maid-less condition is not deliberate.