Desicritics Category: Culture: Men

Alone, White, and Female in India

Deepa Krishnan — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 10:53:23 EDT

On a travel forum recently, a young Polish woman asked: "I am planning to go to India and would be grateful if you could tell me whether it is safe for me to go there alone. If someone has any experience in travelling on his/her own, please post your comments"

Lots of people offered her advice; most of which centered around dressing modestly (preferably in a salwar kameez!), not getting too familiar with strangers, avoiding isolated areas and dark alleys, and so on. Among the many people who offered advice, there was one gentleman who suggested she carry pepper-spray. This led to a protest by some others - What?? Pepper spray!!?? Why are you scaring tourists away from India??

Co-incidentally, I had just been reading a city magazine, a 'Women's Special', with a whole page devoted to staying safe in cities - and among the five things they listed was pepper spray!

So what's the right advice for this lady? Should she stick to big cities? Are they safer, or are they more dangerous than smaller towns? Are some states safer than others? As I heard various points of view, I felt obliged to conclude that there is no single truth when it comes to female safety in India.

But that doesn't mean there are no conclusions to be drawn! I travel alone, frequently, to different parts of the country, and from my own interactions with men, I find that some parts of the country are disconcertingly hostile to women and disparaging of their bodies, whereas other places are a delight.

I was in Orissa recently, and I have to say I did not encounter one single lecherous man; it was a fantastic experience. I have spent two years in Calcutta, again, without so much as a single nasty incident in spite of late nights and odd hours.

I would rank Uttar Pradesh, Haryana, Rajasthan and Delhi among my list of difficult places for solo women travellers. (I have not been to Bihar, but I confess I have no great expectations from the state that produced Laloo Prasad Yadav). Other than Orissa and Bengal, I would rank Kerala among my nicest travel experiences, followed by Tamil Nadu, Andhra Pradesh, Karnataka, Maharashtra and Goa (in no particular order). I have no experience of the north-eastern states.

Of course, this is all based on personal and anecdotal stuff, and is therefore open to bias, but I suspect many Indian women would agree with me. If you don't agree, that's fine too. There is no necessity for consensus here. Irrespective of which state is better and which is worse, what I'm trying to say is that there seem to be some regional trends in the behaviour of men towards women.

I am puzzled by these differences. Surely we are all not that different from each other? Maybe it’s just that places which are more hidebound and stuck in the dark ages are more difficult for women? With a social structure that does not value women, it is that much more difficult to get the basic respect you deserve. But Tamil Nadu with its high female foeticide doesn't value women either...so it's hard to explain why I feel safer in Chennai than in Delhi. Again, this is also a sweeping generalisation. Some parts of Delhi (and I am writing this sitting in Delhi) are extremely safe and very nice to be, and some very nice guys I know are from Delhi. But I don't feel the same "body freedom" in the crowded lanes of Chandni Chowk as I do in the equally crowded Pondy Bazaar or Bhuleshwar or Gariahaat markets. Why? I wish I knew.

Sigh - so - going back to the young Polish woman - while there is no single truth about the Indian men she will encounter, the fact remains that she is likely to go through some not-so-pleasant experiences if she is travelling solo. Let's face it, this is a difficult country for single white women to travel. The average Indian man assumes that white women are alley cats and are potentially available - why else would they flaunt their bodies in public places, right? To add to this is the depressingly common lesson which most young men receive at the hands of their older friends - that's it's perfectly alright to ogle and whistle and grope and treat women badly. Indeed, it is very *masculine* to do so, as Hindi movies so brilliantly illustrate. It's not just white women who get the lecherous idiocy - the same disgusting treatment is accorded to very modestly dressed local women as well. It's a grim story, and one that always makes me want to decimate the entire male race :)

To the lady who asked the original question, I say, pack that pepper spray, girl! You may not need it, but you'll feel better with it in your purse.

Does Marriage Destroy Friendship?

Purba — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 08:30:35 EST

Are you confused too? Wondering whether I am referring to friendship between the couple or friends in general who disappear after you tie the knot. Most of my friends were when I asked them. They were bewildered. Of course, marriage ruins friendship between the couple, most of them insisted.

So what brought this introspection on? A stray statement in the newspaper “Our friendship is so strong even marriage could not destroy it” grabbed my attention. It upset me. I am mostly a happily married woman. My occasional “tragedy queen” phases are entirely my doing.

As a young girl, marriage scared me. I had grown up seeing bickering couples, bored couples, dutiful couples, couples who were doting parents. Happy couples were far and few in between. This relationship seemed like a malaise. Thankfully my sacred union did not scar me. We were good friends and still have managed to remain friends. It is our friendship that has sustained our marriage. Then why were most of my friends adamant insisting that friendship should not be confused with marriage and that they are separate entities? Isn’t friendship the most common form of love! A relationship that entails honesty, vulnerability, companionship and mutual respect!

We all dream of love, of our knight in shining armour, the fearless crusader, with a razor sharp wit and a deep baritone (that’s what I wanted). Perhaps a cross between Amitav Ghosh and Hugh Jackman with a little bit of Dave Barry thrown in? Then we fall in love and marry (not always in that order). The first few years are rosy, but an eye opener too. We discover our knight behaves like a helpless baby when sick. That life is not all about spending cosy evenings together. There are bills to be paid, chores to be taken care of and responsibilities to be shared. Living together forces us to be more realistic. The kids follow. Romance becomes the first casualty. So if someone came and told me “Marriage destroyed our romance” I will happily nod my head in agreement.

I still haven’t got my answer. Do couples after living together for long become two sides of the same coin that can’t face each other? Like a pal rightly said, as friends we do not tread on each other’s toes, are blissfully ignorant of each other’s idiosyncrasies. He burps after each meal. She talks incessantly on the phone. She suffers from Obsessive Cleanliness Disorder (er, that’s me). He just won’t let go of his moth ridden “Mad” magazine collection. As friends it doesn’t matter. The moment we start living together, these traits become an everyday reality capable of driving us up the wall. We nag, sulk, give the silent treatment to each other. Ah, the mind games we play. Every argument becomes a battle with a history of past follies thrown in (the woman with her unfailing memory usually wins hands down). Does it help? Why does sorry become the most difficult word to say? If you have a disagreement, resolve it with an eye to the future which you can change rather than a past that you cannot. Flinging accusations doesn’t change anything; it erodes the basic foundations of the relationship.

For marital friendship to be successful, friendship needs to go beyond the concept of conditional love. We need to be less judgemental, more tolerant of each other. OK, doesn’t mean we turn blind, deaf and mute overnight. Giggle every time he burps or look dotingly every time she embarks on a talkathon. Any successful union is about respecting each other’s space and boundaries. One doesn’t have to like the same movies, books and know each other’s passwords! I just can’t relate to people who have the compulsive need to check each other’s mobiles for messages or snoop around their social networking sites. The biggest failing in a relationship is the inability to trust.

Trust, tolerance and acceptance is what nurtures friendship in a marriage. It is not a battle for supremacy. Marriage is a journey not a destination and the journey is always more pleasurable if your partner is a good companion.

Male Dominance and Historical Wrongs done to Women

Sumanth — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 09:20:34 EST

It is a male dominated world and men control women. It actually looks like a massive conspiracy of global scale for thousands of years. A lot of historical evidence suggests that. For example, women were not allowed to vote till very recent times in human history. Women were burnt after being tortured to confess that they are witches. There are many allegations that women were or are even now treated as property. There are kings and rich who maintained harems of women.

There seem to be huge historical injustice on women. Large numbers of evidences, research and studies for decades point to this historical injustice. It actually appears like a huge crime “against humanity” that such atrocities are committed against women for thousands of years and the world is kept “male dominated”.

Hillary Clinton said in Beijing-95, “Women’s Rights are Human Rights and Human Rights are Women’s Right”. People cheered.

With this awareness of the large scale historical injustices, men have every reason to feel guilty as they have perpetrated all these crimes. Even today men hit, rape and torture women across the world. Many women’s organisations in fact say that the crimes against women across the world are increasing at a rapid rate, which requires urgent action from all men and women in the world.

The picture below shows the dynamics of male-female relationships for thousands of years.

This guilt has made many men to call for “positive discrimination” of men. Said in a simple way, they want men to be denied civil liberties, democratic rights, freedom and dignity. They feel if men across the world are discriminated now, then that will compensate for the historical injustices and create a world that is safe for women.

Now, what’s the problem? The problem is I am an Engineer. The Engineer in me wants to integrate all parts together. Unfortunately, I find all the facts do not fit together.

The kid in me thinks that the rich and the powerful always had higher life expectancy, less diseases, less accidents and better quality of life compared to the slaves. The whites, who discriminated African Americans in US or other places in history had higher life expectancy, lesser diseases and lesser accidents.

If women were treated like slaves and kept deliberately poor in a male dominated society, then how come men have more diseases and lower life expectancy. Why more men die due to suicides or accidents?

This does not fit when I integrate the data and all evidences. I ask, “Did men had better time than women ever in history of humanity?

Then, I found that the Model used to explain “male dominance” is too naive.

The Evolution created a division of labour for men and women. Nature and evolution are violent processes. Anyone who has watched discovery or animal plant even once will agree with me.

The men positioned themselves around the outer periphery of human tribes, fighting against a hostile nature and violent beasts. They took great risks on their lives to hunt and gather food for everyone. Sometimes, they have to fight with other tribes brutally for food so that their own tribe can survive. This shaped men and their attitudes and behaviour for thousands of years.

The advanced model of Relationship between Male, Female and Nature is below:

In this Model of understanding, the nature is most violent entity. The men remained in the outer periphery fighting violence and acted like a cushion for women, children and old people in the central core.

Men absorbed most of the violence directed towards the humans by nature and in the process they risked diseases, injuries and faced death for thousands of years.

Now, how appropriate it is to insult and degrade men claiming that men acted selfishly in history and exploited women for their own betterment?
Will we create a better society, when we go on to degrade and insult our own ancestors for all the sufferings they took on themselves so that the future generations have a better place in this world?

Men absorbed the violence to protect the women, who spent most of their time either remaining pregnant or raising children. There were hardly 20 million humans in this world 5000 years back and children were important for survival of humanity.

However, men cannot absorb all the violence directly from nature and environment; neither all of them have the capacity to heal themselves mentally from all the violence they absorbed in their minds. That creates a domino effect and some violence seeps in to reach the inner core containing women. Now, a whole hue and cry is raised out of the consequences out of that domino effect with rhetoric on “domestic violence” or other violence on women by men.

Even today, most men remain in the periphery protecting the central core of women, children and elders by risking murders, diseases and deaths. Even today, the men are pushed to outer periphery to face “positive discrimination” or violence from state due to gender based civil liberties violations.

It is no fun for men to live in a world unacknowledged for what they contributed or contribute even today.

Ideologues want men to partner them in eliminating violence against women. How can they eliminate violence and create peace, when men are made to live in a red hot high risk zone of unemployment, murders, suicides, violence or accidents?

How can violence against women reduce to zero, when men are denied services or counselling from the state or society to heal themselves?

Are not societies getting closed, judgemental, blind and paranoid about the issues? Is not it going to mislead us all and damage our sense of fairness and rational judgements?

A boy has 3 times more chance to die due to murder, suicide or accident than a girl, when he grows up. Now, are we going to create a better society by denying civil liberties and stereotyping him in schools? Can we discriminate him as he grows up and expect him to make a great partner to a woman?

Men have made great sacrifices for humanity for ages. They have the capacity to make more sacrifices and most importantly, they remain silent about pain and sacrifices unlike women, who go all around cribbing about the headache they got in the afternoon after watching TV.

However, will we have a better society, when we consider it a virtue to insult and invalidate all that men have done or do now?

Is it a male dominated society or “Male-Sacrificing Society”?

Now, let’s go back to Hillary Clinton. She said in Beijing 95, “Women’s Rights are Human Rights and Human Rights are Women’s Rights”.

A school kid can understand what it means according to “set theory”.

It is difficult to live in a society knowing that the society hates you because you are a male. It is difficult to live in a world, when you know that your words will never be trusted by the society. It is difficult to live being continuously apologetic to historical wrongs.

It is difficult to live in a world, where you know that your contributions will not be acknowledged just because you are a male.

To My "Little Women"

Cee Kay — Tue, 9 Mar 2010 21:15:09 EST

Dear M and S,

Yesterday was International Women's day. I wanted to write this for you then, but better (a day) late than never, right?

You, my beautiful little ladies, are the reason your dad and I find each day worth living to our fullest. Before you came into our lives, we had no idea that we lacked something (or two special someones) in our lives. But now we cannot imagine not having you in our lives. I shudder at the thought of sending you to college. I will probably be the helicopter mom personified, literally hovering over your dormitories and classrooms. I have no qualms about embarrassing you, my darlings. See, that is what we are saving for - your respective therapies that will be needed just for the fact that you have been subjected to your dad and me :)

That apart, here is something I want you never to forget. You are going to grow up into beautiful, confident women. Your dad and I will make sure of that. The world and its uncle will try to tell you how a woman should behave, think, dress or live. Before they get to you, I want to imprint a few things on your minds.

1. You DON'T have to please everyone all the time. You DON'T have to please ANYONE at all, if you don't feel like it. Sure, nice people sometimes do some things for others that make them (others) feel good. I am all for such niceties. But remember - NEVER be forced into doing something, anything for someone if your heart, gut or mind says no. Listen to your "self". I am not condoning selfishness. I am just saying that do not give in to someone's "Good girls make sure their parents/husbands/boyfriends/friends/God/whoever are happy". Remember, a happy and contented self is much better than a happy anyone-else. But diplomacy sure does make life easier - remember that!

2. Stand up for yourself. Because no one else will, if you don't. Don't be bullied into doing something you don't want to. If you think what you are offering someone is reasonable and fair, it probably is. If they don't agree, negotiate. But DO. NOT. BE. BULLIED. INTO. SUBMISSION!! It is possible to be pleasant and yet stand your ground. At the same time, never be hesitant in unsheathing your claws when you have to. Sometimes you HAVE to show people what you are really made of in order for them to take you seriously.

3. Remember good men don't hit women. They don't terrorize women, humiliate them or coerce them into doing something they don't want to do. There are plenty of good men around. You DON'T have to settle for anyone less than "good". Not even for "good enough". It is better to spend life alone than to put up with an abuser just because "Good" didn't come along. Have the confidence to go on your way alone and I am sure you will find someone who is just right for you. Even if you don't, remember YOU are perfect for you! Remember how your dad loves and respects me. Always remember - you deserve such a partner too. Never settle for anything less.

4. Be financially independent. No matter how loving a husband/partner you have and even if you are well taken care of, make sure you have at least one UPDATED skill that can get you gainful employment whenever you need. You never know what curveball life will throw at you next year, next month or next moment. Be prepared. If you WANT to work, never let anyone tell you that good wives or mothers don't. Never let another person dictate whether or not you should work, or where for that matter. There is no blessing greater in this world than to be able to do what you want to do in life. And don't let any idealist tell you that working to "earn money" is inferior to any other goal. Don't let money be your be all, end all. But do make some money. You will realize a healthy bank balance brings along mental peace and allows you to focus on the more important things in life - like family. Don't undervalue money, but don't overvalue it either.

5. Take good care of yourselves. Take time out for yourself, no matter how crazy life is and no matter how many responsibilities you have. Even if you are with someone, make sure you take out time for YOU. Alone. Very important for your "self" AND for any relationship. Eat healthy, exercise, be active. Have some hobbies that take you outdoors and allow you to be physically active. Mental agility is good too. Try and strike the balance between the two.

6. Be cautious. In unknown locations, uncertain situations and around unknown people. ALWAYS be on your guard! Safety should be a habit, not a "hobby". I cannot stress this enough.

7. Learn everything there is to learn to survive AND to live comfortably. Learn what it takes to progress in your professional fields, learn to cook, to sew, to change a flat tire, change a light bulb, repair a fuse, fix a toilet. In short - anything that you might need to do one day. Or earn enough to be able to pay others to do all this for you. But I'd still say knowing how to do all these things is a good idea - then you will know if someone is trying to rip you off by charging, say, 50 bucks to fix a fuse.

8. Don't hold regrets and grudges. They poison minds, hearts and relationships. It is a difficult thing to learn. I am still learning it. But I hope you will do a better job of it than me. Talk things out. Don't let a little disagreement fester into a big one. Learn to apologize when it is your fault, but don't be apologetic all the time. Learn when to say "I understand you feel this way, but I think I am right".

9. Take a long time to make friends and even longer to end friendships. Remember it is hard to undo the hurt of a mean word or gesture. But also know when to let a relationship go. If it is preying on your mind and being, but going nowhere, you are probably best OUT of it than in.

10. Be competitive. Healthy competition builds character. Don't let the pacifists tell you that participation is good enough. Participation is good but winning, or trying to win, is better. I don't mean to tell you that your efforts are worthless if you don't win. What I mean to tell you is put in your 100% efforts and then some more. If you win, good, if not at least you know you tried your best.

11. Love each other unconditionally. A sister (sibling) is our first and ever lasting best friend. Sure you will have differences. Who doesn't? But learn to resolve those differences amicably. In the end, when your dad and I are gone, you will only have each other to lean on.

There! 11 things - one for each year that I have been a mother. There are many more things I want to tell you, teach you. More later!

Ten Dating Don'ts For Men

IdeaSmith — Mon, 1 Mar 2010 11:52:46 EST

So I just read this article by [Redacted] Guy (yes, that’s what he calls himself) about the ten things he wishes his dates wouldn’t do while out with him. He asks for suggestions, so here are mine. Considering it’s a long list (List! List! My favorite word again!), I put it up as a post. Here’s what I soooo wish guys wouldn’t do when on a date with me.

1. Staring at my bust

There is just no excuse for this. Without entirely condoning it, I’m willing to see that a random guy on a bus or across the street may do this. He has the right to look where he wants. And I have the right to mentally strike him off my list of people I would ever go out with. But when I’m on a date with you, I don’t have that option anymore. Not at least till the end of the date, I’m at least that nice. Be nice to me and don’t treat me like a sex object the very minute we start the date.

2. Ogling other women

This follows from the first since some men use the excuse that ‘I can’t look at you so I’ll look at others’. We’re out on a date. That means you and I are getting together to spend some time with each other. Focus on the last three words. One date does not tie you to me but it does warrant the courtesy of your undivided attention at least.

3. Boasting

Showing off probably comes naturally to the male species especially when in the presence of the opposite sex. Animals do it, insects do it and human men do it too. Only don’t go on and on about it. The showing off is a mating ritual among the aforementioned life forms and ceases once the connection has been made. Assume that the connection has been made the minute the date has been accepted. There’s really no reason to go on and on about the number of foreign trips you go on, how earth-shatteringly important you are to your company, how you were having tea last week with the Dalai Lama and how many thousand books you read in the past year. It’s off-putting and most importantly it’s boring. I tuned out the minute you started throwing numbers at me.

4. Not listening at all

It’s a conversation. That means both people talk and listen. Talk some, I’ll listen. Then I’ll talk and you need to do more than stare around the room, ask the waiter for refills and interrupt to tell me about the movie I saw. Believe me, I could interest you with more than my bust. I have a sense of humour, an opinion and intelligence too. Give me a chance to let you see that too.

5. Calling me things like ‘Babe’, ‘Sweetheart’ or ‘Honeybun’

It’s a first date. I could be your girlfriend but I’m not, yet. We could be friends but we haven’t gotten to the place, right now. Undue familiarity and worse, sexist phrases are instant turn-offs. I have a name, use it. I might permit you to give me a nickname, but at least be original.

6. Playing SuperShrink

You’ve probably heard that women dabble in pop psychology. Maybe I have issues. Everyone does, it’s normal. Don’t put me under a microscope and psycho-analyze me on a date. It’s immensely offensive to tell me I am afraid of getting too close to men because of my Electra complex. If you’re a doctor, that’s work during a leisure activity. BORING. If you’re not a doctor, it tells me you’re just being a creep.

7. Caveating

It’s not cool to be commitment-phobic. I am not concerned with how messy your love life has been so far or how busy you are at work. You can go for a movie alone or have lunch on your own if those are true. If this date is happening, it’s because you agreed to it. Don’t waste my time and yours by coming to a date and then telling me why it can’t go further. If it’s not coming along as well as you thought, just tell me so. I may be disappointed but that’s better than being disgusted. If you’re that terrified of telling me the truth, at least wait till the date’s over. Don’t scuttle it while it’s in progress.

I wanted this list to be a ‘Ten things..’ but I’ve only managed seven. Does that mean men have fewer annoying habits on dates? Or does it mean that women are more permissive? Hmm? Women, add to these if you think up any others. Well, men you may too.

poetry: whirling

temporal — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 10:04:28 EST

said the cab driver
as he swooshed and swirled
through the desi roads
with cars and carts
and men and machines
rushing, idling, squeezing
with a foot on the pedal
and a hand on the horn
'it is not my fault'

fault? blame? confession?

adam would have smiled

quakes, tsunamis,
holocaust, ethnic cleansing
greed that blinds
individuals and nations
precariously countered
by grit, will and concern
for adam's progeny
by eve's children
who descend to salvage
flustered dignity

conflict borne of heaven
fermented by earth
moving in circles
between the many dazed
and the unconfused few
who whirl

hirsute adam
unabashed and shaved
would have revealed
mona's first smile
(leonardo tells me)
metonymy for
'not-my-fault'

Homosexuality Versus Violation of Privacy

Aditi Nadkarni — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 08:04:22 EST

Dr.Siras, reader and chairman of Modern Indian Languages at the Aligarh Muslim University (AMU), was filmed having consensual sex with a same sex partner in his on-campus home without his knowledge. This video was then sent to his university employees. This likely seems the work of a group of pranksters looking for either entertainment or the settling of some scores. Some media outlets speculate that a local news channel may have been involved in this "outing" which I find bizarre.

Our media is now invested in splashing private sex lives over the news? When did that happen? It is very easy for the decent and thinking ones among us to pick out the victim and the perpetrator in this situation. If a heterosexual couple were filmed having sex in their own home, practically everyone would immediately conclude that the couple were innocent victims of a gross violation of their privacy. Would it matter if they were doing it doggy style or in the missionary position when they were filmed without their knowledge? I don't think so. It would be a slam dunk case where police would have gone after the people who filmed the video without Dr.Siras's knowledge and Dr.Siras would've eventually been able to file a lawsuit against the perpetrators. Right? Well, apparently, our societal morals and ethics depend upon a person's sexual orientation. AMU has pronounced this as grievous conduct on part of the professor to have sex in his own home and has suspended him.

It is an interesting time in India for homosexuality and sexuality in general. We as a society have never been openly homophobic or openly opinionated at all about anything remotely sexual. We don't talk about it. We just do it and then shush other people when they bring it up. As a nation we are all secretly homophobic, especially the men of our masses, the ones who adjust their crotches in public and molest women in trains as a mark of their machoism. They might not go around bashing homosexuality in public like the right-wing Christians do in the United States but they do their bit. Raani, chhakka, hijhda, all code for eunuch, are the terms they have coined to add to the existing offensive nomenclature for those whose sexual orientation does not quite fit with rigid ideas of who should sleep with who. Our commercial filmmakers gingerly broach homosexuality in films, often doing more damage than good for the LGBT community in India. Gay men are portrayed as weak, overtly effeminate and used mostly as comic relief in films thus successfully reinforcing popular and damaging stereotypes. I have personally witnessed college kids torment a classmate who is not into girls or does not invest into building a macho image. We all watch people being teased or left out but how many of us speak up? I grew up in this very society and yet when I see a gay couple, I see a couple. When I see homophobia, I see irrationality driven by fear of the unknown.

When I first read about this case, I desperately hoped that the story would be about how AMU stood by their professor and how the police immediately were on the case, looking for the people who had violated Dr.Siras's privacy. I set myself up for disappointment. In my mind, academia and media are the the outer, growing fringe of our society's thought map defining how progressive we are as a populace, they make up the forward moving wave on which intellectuals ride out and set themselves apart from the rest of the crowd. In this case, it was television reporters who allegedly filmed a man having sexual relations within the confines of his own home and then a university condoned this by castigating the professor because the form of sex he was having was not appealing to them. When media and academia promote regressive thinking it comes as more of a shock than it would have if it were say a political party doing it to pander to voters or a religious group looking to recruit. This sort of thing could happen to any of us. Even if you, my reader, may not be a homosexual, I am pretty sure you do things in your own home that you would not want media filming and showing to your employers, right? I guess 15th August is just a public holiday then.

History is witness that it takes times like these to brew a revolution. It takes nerve to side with the right kind of morality, the one that does not pause in doubt and morph into something unrecognizable when overcome with prejudice, intolerance or fear. In my opinion, the LGBT community in India needs to empower themselves and be more vocal. A lot of homosexual individuals do not make their presence known. They prefer to lead privately gay lives often offering up the understandable explanation of "My sex life is nobody's business". Sure. And this attitude may afford them a relatively drama free life, but as a community it will not bring them to the status of equal citizens with equal treatment unless they come forward and fight for it. Today in the face of this scandal, Dr.Siras according to a news report is voluntarily leaving the university. There are so many gay individuals who avoid a scandal and walk away from the mess, not demanding their rights or questioning the raw deal they are dealt.

Last year, Chief Justices Shah and Muralidhar made me proud when they mandated that Section 377 was inapplicable to consenting sex between adults in private. They noted that, “Constitutional morality must outweigh the argument of public morality, even if it be the majoritarian view.” It was a small, yet mighty step in the right direction. And now, a group of idiotic television reporters and the Aligarh Muslim University has brought us a few steps back again.

Movie Review: My Name is Khan

Kishore — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 07:50:53 EST

Autism reminds me of Mark Haddon's masterpiece fiction The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, where the protagonist - a 15 year old autistic child - embarks on an adventure to find the killer of his neighbor's dog. An autistic life with an impaired social interaction and restrictive communicative abilities is often subject to being misconstrued as mental retardation.

My Name is Khan is an extraordinary story of an autistic individual trying to harness his limited capabilities, his child-like intellect that makes him travel across America to meet the President and win back the love of his wife. All of this happens while tensions are running high post 9/11 and individual muslims are victimized to being associated with terrorism. Rizvan Khan (SRK) is one among them, who is detained at the San Francisco Airport on the pretext of his Islamic surname - Khan.

In the real world, Shah Rukh Khan himself and Kamal Hassan have been afflicted by the anything-Islamic-is-everything-terror syndrome. SRK in Newark and Kamal Hassan in Toronto have been detained in the past because their surname sounded "suspicious" and so were "potential terrorists", let alone a possible number of unknown individuals who had to go through this.

The movie is very unkaranjoharly, and the most striking aspect is the simplicity of the story and its fluid narrative. It is often the lack of knowledge that hinders the natural existence of a person with autism. We are so used to the natural rhythms of our sensory impulses, that an understanding of this rare other side is sure to make you feel empathic towards those suffering from it. Niranjan Iyengar has certainly done his homework in understanding the autistic ways of communication - devoid of emotions, extremely factual botched with repetitive behavior. Not to mention, SRK's rendering of Niranjan's dialogs are delivered to perfection.

Kajol plays Mandira, the mother of the child that becomes a victim of campus racial abuse during the post 9/11 chaos, also Rizvan's wife, and is at her vintage best. Years of break of cinema has not dithered her charm and expressions any bit, and she puts together another memorable performance.

In a world that associates Karan Johar with sentimental family soaps and tearful climaxes, My Name is Khan only goes to show that K Jo is capable of dealing with complicated topics like Autism, 9/11 and terrorism and can still manage to present the story as a simple no-frills movie that is both entertaining and moving.

Love Is In The Air...

Purba — Mon, 8 Feb 2010 05:33:54 EST

Love is buzzing in the air. Nobel laureate Orhan Pamuk has declared to the world and whoever is willing to listen “It’s no secret, Kiran (Desai) is my girlfriend” The lovebirds will soon be heading off to Goa. It should do them a world of good. Apparently sunbathing jazzes up a man’s sex drive with good ole Vitamin D coming to rescue. According to scientific studies it perks up the testosterone. I love scientific studies. You are forever caught in a quagmire of indecisions. One day eggs are harmful, the next they are supposed to be good for heart. Do I need to drink eight glasses of water? Is it okay to go nuts over nuts? Dusting increases chances of fertility! Ever since I read that I gave up stress for good. All I need to do is take off my glasses and the house looks much cleaner.

Jacob Zuma, South African president is busy propagating love. A practicing polygamist, he has sired his 20th child. Now that’s taking sowing your wild oats to the extreme. But I am a bit tensed up. Not because Zuma at 67 can still do it. I have a list to make of people I have to say “I love you” to. And I barely have a week. You see, the entire year I will be too busy working, living, entertaining myself and others and I will get just one measly Valentine’s Day to profess my love.

My forehead is furrowed in concentration. The list is not very long, but tricky. If I leave out someone who really matters, I will be met with iciest of glares for the rest of the year.

My Mom….of course I love her, I am conditioned to, but can you please stop telling me what’s wrong with my life and finally accept me as a grown up?

The Husband... we have a life-long contract of loving each other. But it would help if you can say I Love you with that beautiful armband from Amrapali. I have been eyeing it for the longest.

My brother… I love you, but I love your cuddly daughter and her most endearing smile more.

Why is it so easy to fall hopelessly in love with babies? Is it because they do not express their opinions (read criticism)? Demand only love and love you unconditionally!

My Daughter... Honey Mama loves you, but can you please be more responsible and study!! (Ha! so much for unconditional love)

My friends…With you I can be myself. Not a mother, a wife, a daughter, just a girl who needs mindless banter to de-stress. And you make the greatest partners in crime (read shopping)

Why is it so difficult to love and so easy to loathe? Ask me about my hate list and I can rattle off names in a jiffy. But when it comes to loving we have the longest checklist list to fulfill. It’s like a hurdle race, the faster you run, the higher you jump, the closer you can come to me. Is he bestowed with a sense of humor? Is Fountainhead her favorite piece of literature? Is she compassionate? Does he love dogs? Of course if the guy looks like Bradley Cooper, the checklist and hurdles can go to hell.

But a stray uncomfortable incident and we are ready to block the unfortunate person out for the rest of our lives.

Thank god Valentine’s Day was not half as popular when I was in school. Was it because Archies had yet to make its presence felt and Hallmark had not made its mark in the Indian market? Imagine how stressful it could have been! As if exams were not enough, you were now doomed to wait for V day with trepidation. Will I get any cards this year? I have been giving Vinay the glad eye for the longest, will he take the bait? Saisha got 17 cards last year and I managed just 3 (all bought by me). Why me? Why not me?

The florist though is the happiest. He goes laughing all the way to the bank. People shell out forty bucks for a measly rose without a murmur of protest. Your senses are assaulted with an overdose of red. The city suddenly gets infested with gloriously-in-love couples looking deep into each other’s eyes, girls giving off key musical renditions of their love at the local karaoke station, men scurrying off to the jeweler to make an expensive declaration of their love.

So is one day enough to express an emotion so deep that it has the ability to transform; is your biggest weakness and strength? Isn’t any day good enough to feel mushy and gooey? Why do we wait for B-days and V-days to make our special one feel cherished? My take is that occasions such as these jolt us out of the daily rut of our lives.

Many of you would argue that Valentine’s Day is but a shameless marketing ploy. Maybe it is but I don’t care. This Valentine’s I am going to be dressed in my red pair of jeans (fashion police stay away), pop in heart shaped chocolates ,flutter my mascara’d lashes and croon “Oh my love, my darling, I’m hungry for your love” to my one and only. You have a problem with that?

Book Review: Victoria And Abdul

Deepti Lamba — Thu, 4 Feb 2010 04:51:10 EST

Shrabani Basu's book Victoria and Abdul takes us into a world of love, companionship, untamed ambition, colonial grandeur, petty human emotions and fall from grace that leaves a broken heart.

Shrabani weaves the last ten years of Queen Victoria and her relationship with Abdul Karim, her Indian secretary ( also called Munshi) with brisk yet detailed narration. The love the Queen bore for Abdul caused great deal of fur flying not only in her household but also became a cesspit of gossip for the court and a source of irritation for top brass of the British bureaucracy ruling India.

Initially one may get the impression that the opposition Abdul Karim faced from the Queen's household, nobility and even her children was based on racism and social discrimination but Shrabani delved deeper and showed that Abdul's shameless desire to elevate his status and that of his family to the level of royalty was one of the main causes for his unpopularity amongst the Queen's entourage and amongst the Royalty.

Unfortunately as Shrabani points out after Queen Victoria's death most of the letters that were written between Victoria and Abdul Karim were destroyed on King Edward's command such was his shame regarding his mother's relationship with Adbul and his resentment against the Munshi.

To be fair to those who hated the high handed ambitious Mushi the Queen's preferential treatment towards her Scottish gillie John Brown in the near past made them fear that the same routine would be played out with the young Abdul Karim.

To be fair to the Queen as well, her love for Abdul Karim was that of a mother and her childlike dependence on him was probably a sign her advancing age. And despite pressure from the household, her children and despite the hawk eyed surveillance that was done of Karim's movements both within Britain and India he remained in their midst and the Queen's constant companion till the end of her days.

The rise of Abdul Karim from a vernacular clerk at the Agra Jail to being the Queen's urdu tutor and a gentleman who hobnobbed with Kings and Queens made him a darling of the press both within the country and in Europe and inflamed his enemies even further.

The skirmish between the Queen and her household continued for ten years and the go between the Queen and her employees was Dr Reid who obviously suffered the worst casualty in the war of words and veiled threats. His personal diary in fact was filled only with the pall of gloom that lay over the Queen's household over this issue.

Apart from showing the close relationship the Queen had with her Munshi Shrabani also provides detailed insight into the intricate social protocols of the time that existed amongst the highest echelons of the British Empire and how Abdul and even the Queen blundered and broke many of the sacred rules and ruffled the feathers of the lords.

The detailed research that Shrabani Basu did for this book both in Britain and in Agra has also been narrated in a matter of fact yet delightful manner.

The book till the end was intense and hard to put down. Its a must buy even for those who are not interested in history.