Desicritics Category: Culture: Humor

Which Bandh Was it - Bharat, India Or Hindustan?

Being Cynical — Tue, 6 Jul 2010 08:31:12 EDT

I am not sure of the facts, but I don't think there would be any other country on this planet which has more than one name, leave alone three. Now this multi-naming convention of a country brings about a problem or two when somebody tries to attach the country with something. Just like yesterday's 'Bharat Bandh'. Why not an 'India Bandh' or 'Hindustan Bandh'? For that matter why not all three at once?

Before going into the details of the last bandh, it would be good if we could do some analysis on our triplet naming convention. On a micro level, I feel all three names represent a set of different populace of our country respectively.

Bharat :- Representing the set of poor chaps which many financial bodies (including our armchair advisory body - The Planning Commision) believe are not earning more than Rs 20/- per day and agony of these chaps in fact prompted all opposition parties to orchestrate this massive nation wide band. Roughly you can say this particular name represents the mamooli type fellows.

India :- Represents the chaps of the middle class or to say - a notch below the upper middle class. In short, guys like me, who blog around all nonsense and folks like you having enough time at hand to read this nonsense. These are the same entities who believe malls and multiplexes are the second best thing happening to mankind after the invention of Balaji Telefilms. We get annoyed and vouch against Gandhi Jayanti as sheer nonsense - not because one day's national productivity is going for a toss but because it is a dry day. This represents a considerable chunk of the nation.

Hindustan :- While Muslims (they have a different set of demands) don't seem to appreciate this jargon, the other side group do adore it more than their life. This name represents Folks from the camps of BJP, RSS, VHP and many similar like minded geniuses. As per them it was Hindustan from the time those two terrestrial elements collided somewhere in the sky to give birth to our universe. The king 'Bharat' of the Mahabharat fame can take a back seat and shouldn't shout or claim his name is the name of our country.

When there is so much diversity in the name of our country itself, it is bound to bring in some confusion when there is a Bandh called for it. So this bandh was for whom? The Bharat-vasies, the Indians or the Hindustanies? I am not sure of the other two species but it definitely hit the Indians the wrong way in terms of some unwanted discomfort. I had to drive down some 10 odd kilometers to my office without knowing what might be the official take on this whole strike. No sooner I was comfortable at my desk I got a mail from our HR head of complying with what L.K. Advani wants on that particular day and we were advised to take our ass out of the office premises sooner than later. Not to mention I had to drive back the same distance to my home and had a boring day all through without any cricket, Wimbledon or FIFA world cup match. That's certainly is disturbing. Isn't it?

Keeping aside the name of the Bandh or the minor suffering I had to go through, I do have my own set of perceptions for this particular event. Even if I am a sufferer, I still support this bandh, as truly being pointed out by few leaders that the bandh is all about the issues affecting all sections of the society, more so the Bharat Vasies (Aam- Aadmi). To gain something substantial, the history is a good proof that innocents had to bear some brunt. If this bandh is a matter of inconvenience to all those daily wage labourers as pointed by leaders of the ruling party then I don't think it is at all any convenient for the same labourer when he had to cough out Rs 90/- for per K.g Tur daal on daily basis. Don't believe then ask the chap in discussion which he feels is more inconvenient - the bandh or this daily extra coughing.

What we would achieve by this bandh, or if the food prices are going to get down the ladder after this, is a different discussion which might need few economists of Lord. Meghnad Desai's caliber to discuss. But for we lesser educated Indians it is all about having an off day with a possibility of having to turn up in the office over the weekend. I am not blaming the netas for this bandh call either. It is their fundamental right and I am also not questioning on their full time profession of worrying for the Aam-Aadmi. But to throw a bandh on all sorry faces by virtue of force as shown in few video clips is certainly not going to help much. The whole idea behind this bandh is well appreciated across all quarters and there are many who voluntarily joined the protest. Much more than anything it is a wake up call for few arrogant brats in our Finance as well as Agriculture ministry.

I am at the bottom of this post but still couldn't manage to find out why it is only a 'Bharat Bandh'. Perhaps I need a 'India Bandh' or 'Hindustan Bandh' next time around to figure out the difference.

An Evening With Aurangzeb

Being Cynical — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 17:26:37 EDT

Some days back one of my office friends sent out a mail on the very attitude of we Indians glorifying entities of history more than what they deserve, and ornamenting them with a larger than life image. In the same way, we malign few others to the core making them look no lesser than Amrish Puri of Mugambo fame.

What drives us to be so judgemental and conclusive without knowing the facts? Is it the bad and wrong history that been taught via the millions of government supplied history books, where truth is far fetched as history is fabricated to support someones ego and wants? The fact is good history is rarely about good guys and bad guys but unfortunately we follow this simplistic logic while going over our history, resulting in putting on a perception pair of glasses while engrossing it. I believe that history should be presented as it is, no biasing, no fabrication or no forced conclusion and the readers should be left to decide the good or the bad for themselves. I was sure that our text books are being pathetically modified, God knows for what and whom, so I always had a fascination for all those controversial & bad characters or so being pictured in books.

Do you remember the emperor who was a religious Muslim, anti Hindu? Who tried to forcefully convert them and taxed them for visiting their religious place? You got it: The poor snobbish chap, the Aurangzeb. I had a long fascination of meeting this brat, just to see how a person can be so cruel and bad. Thanks to Albert Einstein and his Time-machine which I could lay my hand one fine day accidentally. Punched all the red, green, yellow buttons as shown in some old hindi movies. Boom!! there I go. Out of nothing I found myself in front of the Red Fort in Agra in a jiffy. Goodness gracious, there is the emperor himself sitting at the top left block of the fort and stitching caps the Muslims put on. I can easily see the outline of his face through the illumination of the lamp in front him. I must have made some noise on my time defying arrival, I thought as the emperor looked at me and visibly astonished with my look, artier and the funny looking stuff I am riding. Being aware of his attitude towards we Hindus, as per the books I was dearly fearing for my life. No sooner my thoughts started to take wing, the main door opened with a Khali looking guy jumped out asking me to accompany him as the Sultan himself wants to see me in close ranges. Oh God, save me. Save me from getting converted or worst loosing my life is all I was thinking while moving to the front door of the fort.

As I entered inside, I could see the small temple at the corner with a lady lightning a Diya. The lady must be from this bad guy's harem I thought, which later on was clarified to me that the temple is there as the belief of the Sultan is to respect all religions equally. Once the introduction was over I was comfortably being placed in front of the emperor, he enquired about my locality and place. I don't know if the Sultan did understood much about the time-machine but could easily tell that I am from a future time. When asked about the purpose of my visit, I begged for my life before explaining all the history that we are taught and my subsequent fascination of meeting a real bad guy. A huge laughter followed which we can only associate with a Sultan. Let me correct your history a bit, if you are ready to believe me said the emperor. I couldn't decline this generous offer. Could I? Shoot your queries ordered the Sultan..

It is primarily suggested that you were an anti Hindu and believed in forced conversion. What is the ratio of Hindu and Muslim at present he asked. 4:1 I replied. That's the same now also. He looked happy. See if I am so fond of conversion then let me assure you, there wouldn't have a single Hindu roaming around in this part of the world, let alone being four times than the Muslims. I am ruling for last 50 years and Mughals for last 1000 years, if I had wished all would have been converted to Islam long back. I hope I answered this query of yours, ended the Sultan politely. But you were never a pro Hindu either, like your forefathers: Akbar or Jahangir, in fact you hate Hindus, I argued. Is it? he said. If I am guilty of such a bigotry then how come I have a Hindu as my military commander-in-chief? when I could have easily kept an efficient Muslim for the same post. In fact today all my state policies are formulated by Hindus, he added. For your info two Hindus hold the highest post in the state treasury. He looked somewhat upset.

After a brief silence he started again. Even some prejudiced Muslims question my decision on keeping non-Muslims in such high posts. But I believe in Sharia, which demands right persons in right position. This is the reason why Jaswant Singh, Raja Rajrup, Kabir Singh, Arghanath Singh, Prem Dev Singh are all holding high administrative posts. He ended this long sentence with a shy. I don't know why my forefathers are shown in a brighter light for their multi-ethnic culture of their court where Hindus were favored, when they had only 14 Hindu Mansabdars (High officials), I have 148 of them. He finished, still breathing heavily.

But our history says that you have demolished many temples, I asked. With a smile in his lips he said, same goes here also. If I had such an intention then, there would have been no temple standing by now, let alone the small one that you are seeing at the corner of this fort. He then suddenly asked one of his orderly in Urdu to bring some documents. On the contrary I have donated huge state estates for building temples and supports thereof in Benaras, Kashmir or elsewhere. He said this while showing me the documented proofs that he has just asked for. Go to Balaji temple and there you would find a stone inscription showing it is me who has commissioned the construction of it, he added. In fact I have granted land for Kasi, Varanasi temples, he said this with frustration while showing me another set of documents.

But didn't you re-install the Jizya tax on Hindus for travel to religious places which were abolished by your forefathers ? Which tax on what ? He seemed bewildered. Oh God. Jizya was never a tax for holy visit but it has something to do with state's development or best you can say a war tax. It is only collected from able-bodied non-Muslims of this state who did not want to volunteer in the defense of the state. He explained. We even don't collect it from women, immature male, old male or guys who are fighting for the safeguard of the state. The tax is to make sure that the lives of the tax payers is safeguarded during war. If by any manner the state fails to protect a tax payer then the total tax is returned back with interest. let me add to this he said. The Zakat (2.5% of the savings) and Ushr (10% of the agricultural product) were collected from Muslims who have some wealth, of course after a certain threshold called Nisab.The Muslims also pay Sadaqah, Fitrah and Khums, which are never charged from Hindus. As a matter of fact the per capita collection from Muslims are many fold than what we collect from Hindus. He explained while showing me another set of documents as proof of his explanation. In fact I have abolished 65 different type of taxes on Hindus there by incurring a 50 million loss to the state treasury. Now he was visibly upset over us on fabricating the history intentionally to show him in a bad light. As I was still with a huge fear within sitting alongside, perhaps the best, scholar, magnanimous, tolerant and far sighted emperor India has ever had, I though it is best for my health and well being to stop this questionnaire then and there.

Not before I was treated with all the Muglai delicacies, I wasn't allowed to leave. But before I could leave the great emperor back in history I didn't forget to ask him the reason on why he himself is stitching the caps when he replied his household runs on the money he earns from this stitching and the Korans that he sells which he himself again writes in his own hand, as he never consumes a single penny from state treasury for his personal reasons. Hats off to this great emperor and I strongly feel, it is high time we change or rather correct our history for good. Sir I admire you.

P.S :- I am a hardcore, orthodox Hindu.

The Snooze Button

Lazy Pineapple — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 20:06:55 EDT

Every morning, most of us lift our head up from the pillow, wipe the drool from our cheek, sneak out a hand from under the covers to shut the insistent chirping of the infernal machine, the morning alarm. The extra 10 minutes after pressing the Snooze button is like manna, it is the best sleep we have ever had till the alarm rudely points out again that you need to get up.

If you are like my hubs (Hubby), you will not hear the alarm even if the volume of the chirping has reached deafening proportions. I have to poke him in the ribs to make him stop the racket. He will give me a look as if I have lost it and slowly reach out to shut the alarm. After the noise has stopped, hubs will turn and curl himself up and fall in deep slumber. As for me, I am left trying to lure back the wonderful dream which was rudely disrupted.

I lie in bed, tossing and turning to find a comfortable position so that I could resume my dream. But now, sleep has evaporated and my bladder gives me a signal that it is at a bursting stage and something needs to be done fast or there could be an accident. I don’t scare easily and ignore the warnings, I close my eyes and pretend to sleep. My bladder is not giving up without a fight and the persistent spasms make it inevitable that I have to bow down and run to the loo. What is with women and bladders? It is as if the older we grow our bladders shrink in size.

After this tussle, it is pointless to reclaim the lost sleep and I trundle off to make coffee and remove the cobwebs from my brain. As I am making coffee, the snooze button on hubs phone chirps again, by now my patience has been stretched thin and I go and rouse hubs. After the alarm has been finally shut off, hubby will ask me to wake him after thirty minutes. I say yes but inside I am seething and I feel like pulling back the covers and screaming ‘I never wanted to get up early in the first place, you set the alarm and now you get to sleep while I am up’. Life is surely unfair….

While growing up, during exam time, my older sister and I would decide to get up early in the morning to study. I would be wide awake and would end up waking her after every few minutes and she would be requesting ‘Just ten minutes more and I promise I will get up’.

I feel like a human snooze button and every time without fail I do my duty of waking people up. I envy people who can fall back to sleep so easily and quickly even after their sleep has been disrupted. I cannot do it even if I try so hard. My mind is filled up with thoughts the moment my eyes open and I start planning the day ahead, I am charged up and then I cannot fall back to sleep.

I am sure one of these days I am going to throw Hubs mobile out of the window in a fit of anger.

How many of you use the snooze button on your Mobile phone or Alarm Clock each morning?

I bet, most of you are grinning and nodding your head.

What To Do When A Friend 'Comes Out'

IdeaSmith — Thu, 3 Jun 2010 18:29:56 EDT

What do you do when a friend 'Comes Out'? The answer is simple. If you are truly sympathetic and supportive, you let it show. You can do it without saying a thing.

Just for posterity, I'm going to tell you about two 'coming-out' conversations that I've been a part of. Each one is a sweet memory, a verbal token that a friend trusted me and shared something deeply personal.

Telling All

He's a pal, a friend from the times when 'chaddi-buddy' was both a literal and figurative description of the relationship. He's family in that way where I can call him over to cook for me when I'm hungry, make him sit through a rerun of an old Tamizh movie he doesn't understand and he cribs and complains all the time but does it all anyway.

One Sunday morning, I called him and demanded that he meet me for an early morning movie. He cribbed but he turned up anyhow. And since we hadn't talked in over a year, I tossed out a 'what's news' line. It led into an unexpected conversation.

How are things?

What things?

You know...are you dating anybody? How's the dil ka haal, that kind of stuff. I haven't heard you talk about any women.

I haven't liked any women.

Turn left here. What were you saying?

Nothing.

It wasn't nothing. Tell all!

I said, I haven't liked any woman.

Ah.

What?

Nothing.

Really?

Well...that's all?

Hmm.

Ah.

Then the movie started and we were both absorbed in it. Later, over lunch, he referred back to the conversation and asked me what I thought. I said,

I think you're going to pay for lunch. I paid for the movie after all and I'm broke now.

A Silly Girl

The second time was a chat converation with the girl in this post. At the time of writing it, she hadn't said anything but I knew she had read the post anyway. She went off for a pee-break and when she returned, abruptly typed,

You wrote one post about your gay friend.

Trepedition. Fear. Mischief. I decided to play safe and just replied,

Yesss?

Who was that about?

Ha! I thought and I typed back,

A very silly girl I know and adore.

:-).

Then I went off for lunch. A month later, we were having coffee when she suddenly piped up,

And I told her that you wrote a post about me!

My turn to grin.

Who says laughter and fun can't be a part of important conversations?

Satire: Meeting Your Maker Made Easy

Purba — Sun, 23 May 2010 18:34:49 EDT

“Concerned at the drastic drop in violence levels in Jammu & Kashmir, Pakistani authorities are now offering a pay hike to Kashmiri terrorists....from 5000 a month to 8000-10000 now” The Times of India

Think about it, people. It is 48 degrees in Gurgaon. There is no electricity. There is no water. Your European vacation is waylaid by this volcano in - of all places - Iceland. Might as well just give up and go back to your roots. To the One who plonked you in the middle of all this. India offers a unique blend of traditional and modern ways of making this trip, aided in part by our friendly neighbours.

1. Shop till you drop. Go hunting for that noodle strap top in Sarojini Nagar, or that killer choli in Lajpat Nagar on a crowded weekend, preferably near festival days. You have the option of a Hindu or a Muslim bomb going off in the garbage can next to you just as you are polishing off that plate of steaming hot momos with the lethal red sauce. Spicy!

2. Contact Ram Sene for Rent-a-riot services. Let’s say, you are an artist looking for that big break. For a fee, Muthalik will arrange a riot-worthy chief guest at your exhibition, conduct the riot to your specifications, fracture your leg (the break that you needed), and offer a complimentary ride in an ambulance to the farthest government hospital. If the riot did not kill you, the hospital will. A perfect frame.

3. Try the railways. Of the several options available, the latest one is to just go to the station and wait for the announcement that your train is now coming in platform 23 instead of platform 1, leaving in 5 minutes. What will ensue is not a stampede, as you may think. It is merely Indians, who are prone to ‘tripping’ as Mamata Didi has so eloquently put it, that will trample on you, crushing your bones, lungs and heart into dough that can be easily transported to your loved ones in a Maggi Noodle carton, by Registered Post, Acknowledgement Due.

4. Tried the highway? Helps if you have a rich dad. Just floor the gas pedal in that BMW you got last month and let go of the steering. To really make it work, down a few drinks with friends and get out a little past midnight. European engineering at its best.

5. If you are a woman, you are spoilt for choice. You could try getting burnt for dowry, have acid thrown on your face, get grievously assaulted, kidnapped. The younger you are, the better your chances.

6. In Haryana heartland, the options get even more exciting. All you have to do is fall in love with a person of the same gotra. This, for the benefit of my readers from the West, is anybody who descended from Adam and Eve. Or fall in love with someone from another caste. This, for the benefit of my readers from the West, is anybody who did NOT descend from Adam and Eve. In either event, the Khap Panchayat, consisting of village elders, or the Baap Panchayat consisting of your dad and male siblings, will take care of you. They are not very good at properly carving heads, but the remaining remains will be packed in bite-size pieces in bio-degradable gunny bags. Very environment friendly.

7. Fake encounters. Not the most efficient because it involves State participation. And the police, who may mix up the Intelligence – you cannot find a more inappropriate use of this word – and end up killing someone else. But, nevertheless, an option. Connaught Place is a preferred venue because of the grand skyline.

8. Real encounters. Way more efficient in terms of the number of people saved every day from their humdrum existence. Jharkhand, Chattisgarh, Battisgarh – all of them offer an excellent safari experience atop a ramshackle bus through lush green foliage as you negotiate the terrain, trepidation in your heart. TV coverage arrives in minutes, not letting your loved ones miss the sight of you gasping for your last breath, your brain leaking out through the bullet hole in your skull, blood oozing out of your left thigh. Don’t forget to wax before you venture out.

9. Stay home. Just make sure you are old and rich. South Delhi and DLF City are the rage. If your neighbours don’t know you, you can spite them by having the stench of your rotting flesh get into their central AC ducts, hanging in there for months.

10. If you are unlucky, you have to just wait and die of old age. How unspectacular.

As Are The Subjects, So is the King

Suresh Naig — Sat, 8 May 2010 22:22:05 EDT

Some centuries back in a fertile land a king was ruling the province advised by his intelligent and cunning minister. The minister was so cunning to make people believe in a loaf of bread as a piece of ham. The province had bountiful crop and the king was affluent. One day, the king in consultation with his minister wanted to test the honesty of his subjects and accordingly each family was asked to contribute one measure of milk on the eve of temple festival. When the big trough was opened the next morning, the king was worried to find only water and that too was not full. He inferred that many have not participated and the ones who have participated were cheats. However, he found that his cunning minister was happy to see the half filled trough of water.

When questioned, the minister said ‘my lord you should be thankful to your subjects for making things easier for you’.

The king though initially confused, was enlightened having listened to the plans of the minister. Accordingly, a grand milk abhishekam was performed for the presiding deity of the temple, sans milk. Huge quantity of water from the container was poured on the idol and a select few hired by the minister were praising ecstatically the king for the huge quantity of milk used for consecration. The water used in consecration was packed in earthen containers and sold as Milk Prasad for the devotees. As though it was not sufficient, the king imposed additional tax on his subjects towards the temple ritual.

The minister advised the king to impose more taxes towards public amenities such as deepening the common well, desilting the village tank, construction of Public Park, schools and hospitals, but not to complete any such work. All these works were commissioned with so much fanfare and left half finished. However huge functions were organized to commemorate the completion of welfare works. Again the minions engaged by the minister publicly praised the king for the welfare work commissioned and completed by the king. The tax money collected was frittered away by the king to enlarge his crowded harem.

One day the king enquired the minister to explain the lack of resistance of his subjects towards his misdeeds.

The learned minister responded, ‘my lord it is a vicious circle. When public do not participate in the system they get alienated from the very system and lose the will to question the wrongs. A ruler need not fear non-participative public’.

After pondering over the minister’s statement the king asked him ‘because my subjects were non participative you have instigated me to indulge in misdeeds, will kings in the future ensure non participation of subjects, so that they can indulge in misdeeds?’

The cunning minister replied ‘Kings will not be there, but ministers will ensure that’.

Femmes Will Be Fatal

Purba — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 11:33:07 EDT

Female libido just got a pop-a-pill solution. Pfizer, the pharmaceutical giant that saved mankind (well almost) with Viagra, will soon be launching its female counterpart, the yet unnamed UK-414495. Women all over the world will now be literally on top and why not? Why should men have all the fun!

Did you know Viagra was an accidental discovery by doctors looking to treat angina-pectoris, a heart condition (But haven’t we known all along where a man’s heart lies, whoever said it was the stomach was a big fat liar). So Big-V fortunately or unfortunately was much like Columbus’s stumbling upon America on a voyage to discover India. History repeats itself and how!

Researchers have suggested that Viagra is a noble discovery which has inadvertently proved to be a boon for endangered species (no, not the witty, intelligent kind). Research at the University of Alaska and University of Wales reveals that trade in exotic body parts used as aphrodisiacs has fallen dramatically since Viagra hit the market. Rhinos love it and can now flaunt their horns without a care in the world. Reindeers feel more secure about their antlers and fewer goats are walking the roads with their legs crossed!

So if Viagra has lifted many a man’s flagging spirit and saved endangered species, will womankind benefit too from the new over the counter solution to the Big O?

Since the dawn of time, since cavemen first stood erect, males have been cribbing about women’s lack of libido. Can we expect more spice behind closed doors? All I can say is that many of us can now put our acting skills to rest. Remember Meg Ryan’s classic act in When Harry met Sally that had Bill Crystal squirming in his seat?

Imagine this scenario. The man gets back home after a long day. The woman opens the door, sizes him up and gives a wicked grin. The man looks alarmed and manages to mumble....Not tonight Darling, I have a headache.

But smart women have never depended on men anyway.

Poessay: Five Letter B Words Part I

temporal — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 11:27:44 EDT

Words express, emote, soothe, guide, communicate. Pearled together, they effectively transform thoughts and intents. Duck, Man, Duck!

Over time the English speaking world has developed a penchant for mono syllabled four letter cuss words. From my limited knowledge of them in desi lingua franca the disposition is for multi syllabled cuss words...perhaps for added emphasis....go on...repeat them in your mind...see?

So moving away from mono sylabbled four letter cuss words we go bi-sylabbled five letter B words. Just some regular everyday five letter B words...Baath, Babar, bitch, board, bored, borne, botch, braid, brace, brake, brawl, bread, break, broke, busty, butch.

Baath: A political party that ex President Bush tried to take to the cleaners resulting in over 100,000 documented Iraqi civilians and over 4200 US soldiers dead and 30,000 wounded and many more mentally affected - with no end in sight yet.Babar: Desi and ABCD see this in historical and cultural context. For the former this is an emperor and for the latter an elephant.

Bitch: Nawwab is better qualified to pontificate over this word. My feelings have been made clear in Duck, Man, Duck linked above. I steer clear, both figuratively and literally.

Board: Earliest encounter with the board is colour associated...black and white...and in the class room...with dusters and chalk particles...and if you were over-active...then splinters of the board...euphemistically called sticks were judiciously introduced to your posterior. Boards can be controlling, adamant and intractable...as those who run foul of them find out to their chagrin. IPL, anyone?

Bored: Piercing, persistent, moving forward to make a hole physically or simply to annoy and spread misery on unsuspecting victims...run away when accosted...if you can...smile when you cannot.

Borne: You can give birth, give support or run around it in circles. Yes you can!

Botch: I may be botching this up or making a complete botch up of this poessay. This words reminds me of hotch...which conjures hotch-potch...which brings up the quote by erstwhile dictator Gen. Zi(n)a ul Haq, who said to Dan Rather of CBS, 'take a little bit of hotch potch and add some more hotch potch and you will end up with hotch potch.' Not kidding.

Braid: A hair do that looks good on young girls. Older women portraying two braided youth look see star Rekha's latest picture and refrain. Same for Bo Derek wannabees. It is passe.

کوئی میرے دل سے پوچھے ترے تیرِ نیم کش کو
یہ خلش کہاں سے ہوتی جو جگر کے پار ہوتا

कोई मेरे दिल से पूछे तिरे तीर-ए नीम-कश को
यह ख़लिश कहां से होती जो जिगर के पार होता

Ghazal 20, Verse 4

(to be concluded)

Nawwab and I: Booooobquake Alert

temporal — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 00:02:05 EDT

Photograph by: Handout, Jennifer McCreight

N: Women.
t: You mean bitches?
N: No, women!
t: OK, let me fetch my defensive armour.
N: Sure, arm yourself all you can...
t: (Nawwab is up to some grand mischief...)
N: I am not up to any mischief.
t: I forget, you are a clairvoyant Nawwab.
N: Woof, woof. "When promiscuity spreads, earthquakes increase," says Hojatoleslam Kazim Sadeghi.
t: WTF. I thought you'd mention Rushdi or Jen McCreight.
N: Nice deflection. It is not about What The Fatwa!
t: Phir kyuN bhonk rahay ho?
N: Eyjafjallajoekull.
t: Ah, the volcano.
N: You cannot even pronounce it.
t: There is no shame in being with the majority, Nawwab.
N: The frocked bearded one is so symptomatic of the rot.
t: Aye, aye sir! The Bavarian Baba and the abused children.
N: Remember Jinn power?
t: Yes, if the hypothesis worked there would be no power shortage.
N: And instead of hounding medieval thinking they are barking at Hoodbhoy.
t: So it is Islam.
N: No, it is the worldwide IRR.
t: Irish Republican Reformers?
N: Irreligious Religious Right.
t: Shlomo Benizri blames the gays.
N: IRR!
t: And they sow these far fetched balloons so the indignant can erect....
N: ...not erect, erupt as in Eyjafjallajoekull.
t: That is one horrendous eruption, not an erection, I'd agree.
N: Monday is on your mind, I see...
t: Monday?
N: Jen McCreight is going to cause global quakes to prove Sadeghi right.
t: I see...so women will bring the earth down.
N: You are only interested in viewing clips.
t: Yes, but also the end of the world...if that happens I can delay paying bills.
N: Only you can think about personal issues.
t: Wrong, I can think about ...
N: ...WTF.
t: What is wrong about What The Fatwa
N: Woof, woof!

Grapes Unfit For Wine

karachi khatmal — Fri, 9 Apr 2010 23:16:16 EDT

Almost every middle class sub-conti, or desi, has relatives who live abroad. When they return, it is a source of great excitement and upheaval. There is the obvious business of the chocolates and gifts they might bring, and the consequences of relinquishing bedrooms for the cousins. And when they arrive, the elders rejoice and revel in nostalgia, while their kids, returning to the 'homeland' for the first time, are often mute, shy shocked. But then they go to the bathroom, and they finally become animated. That moment is the exact point when they realise that instead of tissues, they would be dealing with lotas. in essence, that is when the reality of the new situation hits in.

Tn many ways, that has been the global reaction to the IPL so far. there are entire legions of servers that are groaning under the weight of anti-IPL drivel being posted on the interweb on a daily basis. and so little of it is about cricket.

The gripes revolve around the shameless advertising, the crass commercialization, the hype and the hoopla. the reason there has been such an uncomfortable response is that like our foreign cousins, the rest of the cricket watching world is being introduced to the lota for the firs time. Only they are not getting it.

For those of us living here, cricket has long been shown in this way. the constant cuts to ad breaks, those annoying adverts that come on during the telecast on three quarters or half the screen, the crawling texts, the bouncing corporate logos when wickets fall etc etc.

While some may hate the fact that commentators keep repeating contrived phrases like DLF maximums and Karbon Kamal Katches, it is still a huge improvement in many ways. at least now they have a sentence they know how to phrase. listening to the likes of L sivaramakrisnan, aamir sohail, russel arnold, rameez raja, sikandar bakht, arun lal etc was just as nauseating, and they had even worse cliches than the citi moment of success.

The point is - there is a lot more going on that all the bitching and moaning is drowning out. there are oodles of world class players, there is a lot of context within the inter-personal battles, and there is great entertainment to be had. think about peitersen playing with all the saffers he left behind, sehwag being fozed by kumble, sachin getting another chance to captain and single-handedly carry a team etc. Plus, with all great entertainment, folks like fake IPL player and the eyepeeyell tweeter are around to rip apart all the BS and the pomposity.

So for everyone's sake, accept the lota and get on with life. as any desi would tell you, adjusting to only using tissue papers is quite a disconcerting experience as well, but you're not hearing us complaining.