Desicritics Author: Riti Kaunteya

Visiting the Newborn

Riti Kaunteya — Sun, 15 Jul 2007 01:20:30 EDT

Taking the story forward, it is grand to have visitors coming to bless the newborns. But when it happens at a time when the new parents are inconvenienced, then it is not so welcome.

So there are several types of visitors –

1. The Racers< - They try all possible measures to be among the first few to visit your baby- so that they can boast about beating everyone to the race. They will land up at the hospital moments after your baby is born and try to gain an entry by all possible means. If nothing else, they will visit the baby in the nursery and leave.

Many times this is done out of genuine liking and closeness especially by close friends and relatives but a lot of the time, it is to prove a point. While as people they are generally welcome by the couple, but as new parents, they may find it intrusive.

2. The Runner Ups - These are the type who try to finish the ritual by visiting necessarily while the baby is in the hospital - so that the parents do not feel bad that the close neighbors/ friends never bothered with a visit. They stick to the visiting hours and many times they plan, team up and visit. So it is like one grand outing for the entire crowd but too large a crowd in the tiny hospital room. And since the twins needed an extra crib, there was even less of a space in my room.

They had a great time arguing and discussing the various differences between the facial features of each kid while I had a tough time worrying about the gown being in place and the buttons not popping out and the nurse had her own tense moments when the blood being transfused to me began spilling out like the last few drops of ink from a fountain pen.

These will be usually closest neighbours or office colleagues or (if you or the husband happens to be a boss) the team members who don’t wish to be singled out as the one who never visited. They will come armed with camera and take shots. Many times, people don’t like their kids being photographed by all and sundry before they are old enough. Again done with genuine but slightly forced affection.

3. The Planners - These visitors usually work it out with the mom on as to which is the most convenient time to visit. Frankly there is none, and since the trouble of planning is taken, usually a mutually suitable time is chosen.

Supposedly gives the parents ample time and opportunity to be appropriately dressed and be ready with appropriate refreshments/sweets for the occasion. They come on time, armed with suitable gifts for the baby, talk softly, will not pick up the baby unless offered, and if offered, they will wash their hands and do so, not sit on the baby’s bed for fear of transmitting germs and leave as soon as they feel that the baby has declared that it is feeding time. All in all, the model visitor and most sensitive to the mom’s feelings.

4. The चिपकू /Leech - Will have the grace to come after giving a few hours advance notice but will decide that a good 2 hours time is appropriate to justify all the effort they spent in getting dressed and coming to see the baby. Doesn’t spot the signs of fatigue or restlessness in the parents or the babies.

5. Mother Hen Variety - These behave as though they know what is best for your baby and give you all kinds of advice on how they have been there, done that and that is the best researched way to handle / feed/ pee/ poop/ bath the baby. Many of their tips will be useful but they tend to get too preachy.

Well we all are, when it comes to discuss motherhood / pregnancy but a participative approach would be more welcome. A give and take of views with the new mother - after all she would also be starved for adult/ peer company at this point.

6. Eager Beaver - They will take charge of everything - nappy changing, holding the baby, (top) feed, entertaining the baby etc. Many times it is a relief to hand over the baby to such types as they are usually good at it and comfortable with babies. Sometimes a new mother may not feel like it. Important to read the (non) verbal signals the mother may throw.

7. Just like the old times - Drop Anytime - They drop in without or with a very short notice (barely enough to get your place in order and your baby dressed for the occasion) at anytime, usually evening or mid-morning - just for a few minutes to take a look. Even if your house is in a mess at that time, you always can give the excuse that things are hectic round here with the kids now.

8. The Laggards - They will turn up one fine day when you feel that you have finished with the entire stream of visitors. They will be some long lost friend who suddenly came to know about the now not so newborns. They come at a time when the parents have begun to feel comfortable handling the baby in various situations and the baby has also set a pattern of sleep/ wakefulness. One may end up welcoming the change of having a visitor to chat up with and this may turn out to one of the better visits.

That was on the visitors. Some cues for the new parents

1. If the visitor has informed beforehand, get the babies neatly dressed and freshly powdered just before they are coming in. Also get ready yourself and if time permits, set the house in order. You don’t want to portray the image of being a sloppy, bedraggled, clumsy parents.

2. Put a diaper/ rubber sheet - it is really not ok if your baby pees/ poops on the visitor. Incase of pee/poop happening, it could be a good idea to get into another room for the diaper change - have some dignity on the baby’s behalf!

3. It’s a happy occasion - keep a stock of sweets/ chocolates handy to celebrate the occasion - make the effort for the person who is coming to visit your baby for the first time. Welcome the visitors with appropriate courtsey and do not make them feel like an intruder.

4. If possible, have a camera handy to record the visit.

5. Many people are not comfortable holding newborns or babies in general - don’t push them to carry your baby.

6. Be positive towards the visits especially if it is planned beforehand - it will give you the much needed break. If you have help at home, do not hesitate to relax at that time and if you don’t, allow the visitor to help if you are certain that the visitor does not mind helping with the baby.

7. Especially with twins, the chances of getting visitors is higher because it is not so normal. Poeple are excited about comparing how similar or different they are. It surprised me when people were apparently surprised seeing my non-identical twins. I had visitors who mentioned that they have come because their kids wanted to see twins (for the first time)! So parents, be prepared for the enthusiasm and be happy about the high numbers your famous kid(s) are clocking.

They have come because they like you and care for you and want to be there for you in your joy. Have a visitor book handy if you feel like recording the thoughts and impressions of your important visitors for posterity.

Go Green - Reuse, Reduce, Recycle

Riti Kaunteya — Sat, 14 Jul 2007 00:04:22 EDT

Go green, recycle and maximize usage.

1. Ditch those plastic carry bags. Get your own shopping bag. Most stores have the habit of putting different categories of items into different bags - sometimes one ends up with a separate bag for Bread alone. Return that extra bag. Some stores give large carry bag for a small item. Ask them for a smaller one. And when you can stuff that purchase into your handbag, refuse the carry bag all together.

2. Reuse the carton packing of sweets, cake etc- use it to pack your lunch and save the usage of water for washing your lunch box for that day. Use the shirt carton for storing bangles, medicines or letters. Use the shoe box for storing the shoe polishes. I always send the empty packages to the packaging department to reuse it for the next courier.

3. Switch off the computer screen when not at the desk. Set the power saver mode on the laptop for shorter durations. It could be a good idea to let the laptop discharge and charge it again rather than plugging it in everyday. Good for the battery and good for the environment. Switch off appliances from the main switch when not in use.

4. Reduce use of paper- avoid taking print outs & photo copies when not needed. I have a colleague who has the annoying habit of leaving photo copies of newspaper articles in an envelope on our desks. We could have circulated the original article among ourselves.

5. Maximise the usage of paper- every bit of space in every scrap of paper should be used before discarding. If possible, use it further for packing your food / soaking the oil off fried food or shred it and use it as packing material in the office. Sell it to the waste fellows who will recycle it. Use the newspapers similarly and you could cover your books with the newspapers or use it as gift wraps- claim it to be your own contribution to saving the environment. Especially the magazine sections or old calendars are great for covering those precious books and lining the cupboards. Kids could use the calendars or old greeting cards for their artwork or for making them into tags for pasting on the gifts or using them as funky invites for their birthday. One just needs to challenge the kids and they will make it into something useful. Punch together the one sided papers and tie with a nice string and make it into a scribbling pad. The secretary in my previous office used to get our binder to bind it into various sizes and believe me; it was much sought after by all. If possible, share the newspaper with your neighbour or read the office newspaper rather than buying. Donate old magazines to a clinic/ parlour waiting room/ library.

6. Reuse terracotta / clay pots / vases as flower pots. Punch a hole at the bottom before using.

7. Wash clothes once or twice a week. Use the most energy efficient washing machine.

8. Get better fuel efficiency by parking in the shade wherever possible, reducing usage of A/C, switching off the ignition if you need to stop beyond 30 seconds, taking less congested route, car pooling, walking instead of taking the vehicle, keeping the tyres well inflated, off-the-clutch driving, reducing usage of brakes (remove foot off the accelerator instead), planning your route in advance, car well serviced.

9. Recycle old clothes- use it as nappies, dusters, mops. Make a carry bag (especially trousers and jeans make funky bags- use the label to make it look hip), cut it into smaller pieces and fill it into cushions, stitch the front and back panel of a shirt at the bottom, button it up, write some funky messages with a marker and put it on a hanger to use it as a wash bag. Socks or vests are very good as surface wipes and for stuffing cushions. I normally ask my tailor to return left over bits from my fabric and use it for making night suit/ home wear for my kids. You could even use it to make a patchwork quilt or apron. Remember to save the buttons and re-use it.

Playschool - Criteria for Selection

Riti Kaunteya — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 01:35:47 EDT

It is that time of life when one begins to start thinking of playschools for their kids. Neither I nor my hubby or siblings have been to play school. The concept at that time was very rudimentary. We hit kindergarten straight. And we haven't turned out badly at all.

Having said this, I am not closed to the concept of play school for my kids.
Observations that support the view -

1. My kids love to interact with other kids but they are much older to them and hence the interaction is more led by my kids - they say something and the boys laugh or repeat or react. The interaction is not on equal platform

2. They enjoy playing with each other

3. They behaved atrociously with a guest of their age - snatched their toy from her hands

And the observations against-

1. When I see them sleeping peacefully till 9 - 9.30 in the morning, I hate to think that if they have to do a play school they need to wake up early. I really do not have the heart to disturb this easy life of theirs.

2. They have to work hard for the rest of their life. I want them to enjoy this carefree life.

3. I don't want to make things regimental so soon for them - the school, being on time, the works.

Having said this, I still am more pro-pre school.

The school which I finally select should meet the following requirements -

1. Comfortable timing - and not too long a duration. My MIL should get sufficient time to get them ready on time. Can't be too early because we parents really don't have the time in the morning.

2. Outlook - creativity, learning through fun, non-academic, singing, dancing

3. Right Brain activities - clay modeling, building blocks, story telling, drawing, painting, music instruments, puzzles

4. Getting Dirty - playing in the sand, gardening,

5. Interactive Teaching - Skit, puppetry, picture books, models

6. "Live Demo" - Great if there could be pets. Children love animals and what better way to understand animals (rather than touch & feel books).

The Advantages of Reading Books - The Bookworm Speaks

Riti Kaunteya — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 06:26:16 EDT

To describe a new book, I cannot just talk of the spotless cover and crisp pages not yet dog-eared. I need to mention the unique, earthy, warm smell of a new book that attacks the senses. The odour reminds me of lazy winter afternoons spent snuggling under the covers reading till I nodded off, barely managing to leave a bookmark.

Advantages of reading books

1. You can escape into the make belief world till the book ends. You can live the alternate life of the characters but beware the sudden empty feeling once the book ends and the characters take off to rest on the shelf or get into someone else's mind while they read the book.

2. You can read it while eating and if the food tastes bad, you will never realize it. Disadvantage is that if some insect falls into the food or the cook has decided to leave a strand of hair in it, you will never realize that too.

3. You can pointedly read it in a journey and avoid talking to pesky co- travelers. Road jams and delayed trains will no more be a problem. In fact you may even like the journey to be never ending if you want to finish that book. Picture a scenario where in you have to return the book to your colleague today and your bus gets stuck in a jam. You can use those extra hours to finish the book and manage to return it on time when you reach office.

4. If your friends are book lovers you can gift them books without having to worry about thinking other gift ideas. Try gifting those that you haven’t read so that you can also borrow it from them and read it.

5. Inexpensive hobby- each book can be read by many. It is not like clothes or shoes where in it can be used by 1 or 2 people only (you and your siblings). You buy 1 book and reap multiple benefits. Trade it off with books owned by friends. You can join a library of books but not of clothes or shoes or food. You can read it umpteen number of times if you have nothing else to do and you get a fresh impression each time you read it. But quite difficult to keep track of the people whom you have lent the books. Makes me shudder when I think of the number of times I have been near losing a book because the borrower happened to forget that they had taken it from me. So I write my name prominently on the book and also keep a note of whom I have lent the book. also beware of book molesters- dog ears, food/ coffee rings on the book, torn pages, scribbles, cover missing. Best to put a newspaper cover on the book.

6. You can read many versions of the same story by different authors and get a fresh perspective every time- like Ramayana/ Mahabharata etc.

7. You can read it to pass the time during that long stay in the toilet.

8. It is easier to understand the accented English in the movie if you have read the book earlier. You can also understand the various twists and turns of the plot better- I can’t imagine I would have understood Harry Potter movies at all if I wouldn’t have read the book beforehand. Especially if it is a pirated CD or that useless camera print without subtitles, all the more better that you have read the book before itself.

9. If your sibling or spouse shares the same passion for books, then good. You understand each other better and you can talk on common grounds. But if they are not too hot on books, then also good. You have no competition at home for reading that new book or that one book that you borrowed and have to return quickly. I remember the tough time I had when the book used to pass like the relay race baton between my sis and me. We had allotted time for reading and the moment time was up we used to stand on the head like the creditors collecting money after the credit period gets over. Life is easier now as my husband does not give me healthy competition.

10. Spoiled for choice- can’t even begin talking about the various genres available to choose from.

Being a Feminist

Riti Kaunteya — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 00:05:33 EDT

I have never really fathomed why this big deal about feminism and being a feminist exists. I do not think we need a separate movement or a war or a symbol or an act like burning a piece of clothing to depict feminism.

To me, feminism is a woman being herself. A woman taking pride in the fact that she is a woman who has been created because God could not be present everywhere. And as the joke goes - God made man and he was pleased. He then stood back and said, I can do better. And then he made woman.

All of us will have incidents of feminist glory to our name. And in the face of the heavily protest-led feminist movement, we do not even realize that we are all feminists in our own way.

First and oremost, it is important to be comfortable with oneself - a woman is a feminist when she says that she is happy that she is born as a woman, and she accepts herself, warts, facial hair, labour pains and all.

A girl who insists that she will be the bats(wo)man in the boys team because she is bored of standing in the corner and fielding, is a feminist. The act of defying the norm is not feminism but doing it because she wants to do it despite the norms is feminism.

A girl who can walk across a group of boys without checking 100 times whether her strap is showing or wondering whether her skirt is too short, or the blouse too transparent, is a feminist not because she is being shameless but because she is comfortable with her body. I have seen girls who refused to drink water in school if there were boys gathered at the water taps. And I have seen girls who say, Come off it, have it? flaunt it!

When a woman's self confidence is very high she never gets affected with what others are saying or whether some men are sharing jokes at her expense. After all, don't we as woman take digs at men and bitch about them among ourselves? Then why are we so conscious if men are doing it?

Theoretically, a man can never be sure whether the child is his, but a woman is 100% sure that the child is hers. That, to me, is the ultimate power of being a woman.

A feminist is not ashamed that she loves the stereotypical girlie things like shopping, shoes, clothes, jewelry, gossiping, cosmetics, mahila mandli etc. She loves being labeled as the typical woman. I would not like to be called a typical man; you know what that would make me.

Being a feminist is realizing that being a woman gave me the power of choice in situations mundane to critical -

choose what to wear from various shades of colours and various types of outfits, unparalleled by the stereotypical palette which a man can choose from

choose how to run my household

choose whether I want to have a career or stay at home

choose partly how I want my child to come to this world and who can witness it (it is largely decided by the baby)

choose how my child will be brought up

Well, the list has just begun...

It is a feminist who can choose to put on double digit weight in 9 months, carry it all along, get marred by stretch marks on her otherwise flawless skin and turn the washboard stomach to a sagging belly and love doing all of it.

It is a feminist who revels in the glory of being the only one who can nurture - she is the one who experiences the joys of being a mother; she is the one who can feed her child and bond in those exclusive moments and she is the one who after all this can wake up and say, yes I want to do it again.

Feminism is to be bold and bashfully add splashes of colour to the dull blues and grays in corporate world.

The attitude of a feminist towards a particular chore is different. When she does a chore, it is because she knows she is good, rather better, at it not because she is supposed to do it. And when she does not have the ability to do something, she doesn't mind it being delegated without getting her ego hurt.

Being a feminist is not turning a hair when the husband brings in unannounced guests for dinner. Rather, confidently assuring him that the job will be done. It is not un-feminist to be responsible for the kitchen. I find the attitude of being perfect and confident extremely feminist. Well, someone has to do the cooking, and since I can do a better job, why not me?

As far as I am concerned, if my car needs to be serviced, my hubby will get it done for me not because I am uncomfortable going to the workshop and not because I find it unladylike but because I know my hubby will do a better job.

A feminist knows that she is not the weaker sex but the better half.

It is not that "Woman without her man is incomplete" but "Woman! Without her, man is incomplete."

Pregnancy and Compassion

Riti Kaunteya — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 04:15:41 EDT

I am Pregnant, not sick. This is the sentence that appears in most of the Mills & Boons books where the pregnant heroine is treated with kids' gloves by the tall, dark, handsome hunk. I also found myself saying the same sentence to many people who tried to restrict me too much. I guess the only people who understood and applied this sentence in totality are the guys who give us Mediclaim cover - where in you need to get admitted to the hospital for 24hours and avail cashless facility for the expenses within the prescribed limit. The ugly truth dawned on me when I was carrying that pregnancy is not covered under Mediclaim but my company had negotiated with the insurance guys to allow around a quarter of what I am otherwise eligible and this covered less than half of my actual expenses in the hospital. In fact some medication taken post a hospitalization incident are also covered under mediclaim but not the medicines taken post pregnancy. At least I was luckier than my husband, who got no coverage for his pregnant wife. The saving grace was that I was allowed to cover my kids from day 1 so their expenses were completely taken care of.

Somebody needs to educate the insurance guys out there that while pregnancy may not be a disease the pregnant woman has to endure 9 months carrying,hospital visits, 5 days in hospital and finally 6 months recuperating. At least we can move to 100% coverage for up to 2 child births?

The discrimination exists everywhere. Bosses/ colleagues use the episode of pregnancy as a reference point during introductions- she has just come back from maternity leave, or she is carrying and is continuing to work for as long as she can, as if the rest of the achievements don't count at all. As if she has done no work all this while, simply came, go married, got pregnant, took maternity leave & is back again. This happens when a girl gets married she is introduced as "just married" whereas men are never introduced using marriage or planning a child as a reference point. I have seen some women who are in the middle of crucial project, not telling the boss about the pregnancy until it becomes too obvious for they fear that their commitment levels would be questioned. Sad but true. Some bosses even leave the lady in question without meaningful projects, clearly doubting whether she would come back or not.

She bears the jabs from colleagues - I guess you are in a different world and your priorities are different so you have not been paying attention, or the inhuman ones say stuff like- how come you don't come down to the lab nowadays? totally forgetting that even walking down to the loo is such an effort for her who is carrying a hell lot of extra weight around her middle.

Bosses have been known to use pregnancy as an excuse during appraisal times indicating the poor increments a result of the long maternity leave. Totally ignoring the fact that she would have worked from home, received umpteen number of phone calls regarding work related issues from team members and ghost directed the projects. Completely forgetting that she would have filled in for others who would have resigned or were getting married & had taken a month long break and that she was working till the last moment until she could walk no more. Ignoring how beautifully she would have mentored the colleagues who would fill in after she leaves and how impeccably she would have maintained documents and records so that the transition is smooth. They miss out on the fact that after getting back to work post maternity leave, how swiftly she gets cued on to the whole set of projects and starts of from where she has left.

On the flip side, companies, bosses and colleagues also offer a lot of support in terms of extended maternity leave, allowing flexitime, ignoring late-coming and early leaving, allowing faster access to the lunch, at times taking a detour when she hitch hikes a ride etc. People are by and large compassionate but if only they were more professional about the job front too...

A Working Mom Places Her Case

Riti Kaunteya — Thu, 26 Apr 2007 06:43:53 EDT

First things first - ever since I remember, I have always wanted to work. Work either on my own or get a job. The prime motivation was that I would be independent and have money of my own. The rest of the frills of working were not given much thought at that stage. To me, it meant an uninhibited license to shop as and when I wished, buy all the books I wanted to read, fly off to any place I wished, and have a nice, big house of my own.

Well, I leave it at that. Today I realize that working life is not one big celebration or shopping festival. It is one big responsibility to be sitting in that position and playing the role one is hired for. Working would mean jubilation at times and disappointment at others. It could mean getting accolades on one occasion and being brought down ruthlessly from cloud nine at another. And the money does not flow in and out as freely as I thought. The increment may not always be a wow. And one may not spend at the blink of an eye.

Working is not about going to office as you please and coming back long before the cows come home. It is not just jet-setting at company's cost - the fringe benefits could be as basic as missing a meal when you are in transit or as bad as not being able to adapt to the food that is aplenty, all chargeable to expense account. It means getting up at unearthly hours according to your bio clock, in a different country when your home town is still fast asleep. It could mean long hours of sitting in a cramped seat when the rest of the world is stretched out comfortably on the big, fluffy bed. It could be as disappointing as not being able to attend that function where all the relatives had great fun or as heart wrenching as not being with your child when he wants to cuddle up to you and sleep.

There, you know what I am driving at. It is not easy to be a Working Mom. While the benefits are many, the sacrifices are equally so. But do not for a moment think that I am trying to martyr-ify (help me with an apt word) myself - no there is no halo behind my head, period. And neither am I the power hungry, mean, money making machine. I am a flesh and blood person who has a right to make a choice.

The desire to work had been ingrained into my system and there was no way that I could change my DNA. And once I was truly into it, it felt like tasting blood. Getting to grassroots level, I love the set routine of getting ready to go to work everyday, experimenting with my attire, getting up and running the show at work. At a materialistic level, I am in love with my pay cheque, I love seeing the account summary getting heavier in my favour towards the end of the month and love the extra width it gives us as a family. At an intellectual level, I enjoy the stimulation, the chance to network, and move beyond the domain of self and family.

I would have never sailed through my pregnancy without quarreling every minute with my hubby if I didn't have the distraction of my workplace. Imagine a pregnancy without the laughs at the lunch table with the girls, or without sharing the graphic pregnancy notes with the woman colleagues, or without the royal treatment by all the colleagues and their genuine concern and support. It really made the discomforts worthwhile. What is life without gossip and bitching about boss(es) and others in office or discussing the latest TV programs and borrowing and lending books and food. Love them, like them, hate them but you can't do without your colleagues.

I believe that colleagues are equal to your best friend minus that necessity of being nice and friendly always. You can get away with not chatting with them for a few days and then taking off from the next day, without the hassle of justifying why you did not bother to even spend five minutes with them over coffee. Convenient!

Frankly, I did not give serious thought to whether I will work after kids or not. It was always a given that I will continue after a mandatory six month break to coach them into getting used to the world.

While I am committed to my job, yet there are days when I do not want to let go of my kids who are blissfully playing with me. I wish I did not have to go to office and I wish I could spend the entire day playing with them and taking them thorough the animal books and getting dazzling smiles in return. Truly, I feel sorry to go to office those days. But one can always play truant and take leave.

After the kids, I have rearranged my priorities and I am not ashamed to do so. I do not doubt that it will impact my marketability in the corporate world. No matter what, I take the responsibility to give my kids the total attention they deserve. A couple of years ago, I would have jumped at a chance to make a tour to Delhi or Mumbai, combine the weekend and shop, visit relatives. But today, I come back the same day and take the earliest available flight so that I can come back home to my kids.

I love to soak up in the admiration and awe of other moms and non-moms who try to fathom how I manage work, home, kids at one go. I love it and I take pride in it. Unabashed, immodest, unladylike pride.

Just because I am a Mom, I do not want to hang up my (running) shoes and stop living. Rather, I want to keep doing everything that I was doing before and more.

It means that I get up at 5 am in the morning and hit the gym so that I am able to be back home at 7 sharp, after which hubby gets to go to the gym. I am appalled at myself for being one of the freaks who supposedly wait outside the shutters so that they are the first ones to enter the gym. All so that I lose the ever-pregnant-never-delivery flab and tone into shape.

Since I do not have time to read my books, I take them to - don't say yuck - the loo. Well, I have to read, no two things about that, and I will not let go of the books.

It is after becoming a mom that I started blogging, became the Secretary to my building and changed jobs. Three things that I had never done before.

While I do not go to every other exhibition and every sale in the city, I do make it a point to be out with or without the kids every weekend. Even if it is just to buy the grocery. My kids are not sitting at home and watching TV just because their Mom and Dad get just the weekend to relax and stay at home.

While I may not have watched the movies in the theatre in a long time, we do have DVDs to the rescue, albeit watched at god forsaken hours or when the kids are asleep or if we are too desperate, we pause, attend to the kids and keep watching if they are awake.

When I get back home, there is no such thing as a relaxing snack and watching TV or taking a nap. It is getting down to business. If the kids have not had their walk, I take them out in the complex. Otherwise after the mandatory cuddling I sit with their books and toys and really play with them. Just like the good old days when you get back from school and play! It is not out of compulsion but out of genuine love for them that I do it. I really enjoy it when my kids manage to make a sound like the tiger and manage to stack the rings correctly. And the way they clap after the achievement is a reward good enough for me. Not that I do not feel tired or impatient but then, I love the accolade of being a super mom too!

It is not that I am doing everything myself. I keep two helps and I make them work for their salary, to put things bluntly. The rule is simple - if the task keeps me away from the kids, then the maid does it. Even filling the water and making my bed. The ironing has been delegated to the ironing guy so that I am not tied up with it on the weekends when I could be doing fun things with my kids.

The day I do not have the help or a reliable person to supervise them and my kids (in this case the MIL), I place it on record that I will quit. And yes, as all moms have mentioned, the way the kids are brought up is my decision, even though the facilitators are others. And hubby dear stands by his promise of letting it be so.

So far I have managed to catch all the milestones and I am glad I didn't have to come back from work and hear about them and feel sorry for missing them. The kids have cooperated! I do feel bad about rushing away in the morning and letting them cry their heart out. I also used to sneak away to the house if I found them out in their pram with grandpa - not to avoid holding them, but the moment they see me they used to refuse to have their stroll. It broke my heart to do this to them but I did not want them to miss their share of fresh air.

I hope that my kids will be proud of me and my work and will not resent me for leaving them and going to work.

I end saying that I do not know whether I have made the right decision and I do not know whether I have made the decision for the right or wrong reasons. But for the time being, I wish to stand by it. I feel this is the right way to get all round enrichment, and therefore be it.

The Nappy Confusion

Riti Kaunteya — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 14:23:34 EDT

There is an endless debate between tree-huggers and earth lovers and disposable nappy users and manufacturers on the benefits and otherwise of cloth nappies and disposables. Being a self proclaimed tree-hugger I campaign for cloth nappies and shorts for kids any day. On a regular basis I use cloth, sometimes the nappy pad, but when I am going out, I swear by the disposables.
Since I use cotton shorts for the kids the entire day nowadays and used to use cloth nappies when they were younger, I had the practice of taking them to the washbasin or their potty chair and making them pee very often - as soon as they got up from sleep, before taking their bath, before making them sleep, before putting a diaper, sometimes if they woke up in the middle of the night, every 45 minutes to 1 hour during the day, when they are playing. I feel it is comfortable for the baby also to pee comfortably rather than tied in a nappy. Also, after breakfast and after evening snacks I make them sit on the potty for the big job. According to me, when they pass it in their diaper/ nappy they do not do a thorough job.

At night I use the nappy pad so that the wetness does not spread to their clothes or the bed and they stay dry for some part of the night.

Cloth Nappies

Comfort - Cool cottons/terry cloth used for cloth nappies is good for the skin as long as the baby is not left in the wet nappy for a long time. The frequent changing and washing/ wet wiping at every nappy change helps in airing the skin too. A wet nappy is extremely uncomfortable for the baby and the wetness/ poop tends to leak out creating a messy and embarrassing situation. So what if they are babies? They do have their self respect. Since it is changed more often it may be less responsible for rashes or skin infection. Cotton shorts or a cloth diaper is much more comfortable any day.

Convenience - Extremely inconvenient when outside. May need to carry the soiled ones back home in a separate bag or anyway you might throw it away and that adds to the garbage. Cleaning them is a lot of hard work and time taking. Then one has to dry them and fold them back and keep them within easy reach for the day's use.

Cost - Low or no cost. Many people use old duppattas, saris for making cloth nappies. That's making the best use of waste. They are recyclable and can be used at least for 6 - 8 months. Some people also invest in the washable foam & plastic nappy wraps that holds the cloth nappy and does not allow the wetness to leak out. Some people iron nappies and therefore there is additional electricity cost.

Environment - In terms of not creating landfills, this is a good one. But one does waste a lot of water in washing soiled nappies and pumps in a lot of detergents into the earth. It's better to invest in energy saving washing machines which use far less water than the standard ones. Eco-friendly detergents could be another answer. And of course, club the washing. It's is important to train the maid/child care person in this. Also, since cloth diaper tends to leak, the bed gets wet and adds to the wash load.

Aesthetics - Low on the aesthetics score. Especially while going out, the look of the dress is spoiled by a cloth diaper. It takes a lot of space in the cupboard. Soiled nappies in the bathroom are not a grand sight and neither a good one for the senses.

Diapers

Comfort - The latest ones are quite baby skin-friendly. There are diapers with wetness indicators to alert the parents too. The discomfort factor with the wetness in a diaper is less. But the problem comes when the diaper is left on overnight or beyond 4-5 hours and one tends to become lax and does not frequently check the diaper for soiling. The baby may be left in the soiled/wet diaper for a long time causing rashes/ skin infection/ fungal infection. And my famous thought - it may feel like wearing a sanitary napkin all the while.

Convenience - Scores highest on convenience. Use and throw, no need to worry about washing, drying, ironing. Space saving. Tightly packed in the pack it comes in. Does not spoil the chair, does not wet/ spoil the bed. A blessing when you are outside. Easy to carry spares.

Cost - Expensive, especially in India. At least Rs 10 per piece. Minimum 5 diapers daily if there is no poop done in a newly changed diaper is Rs 50 per day and therefore Rs 1500 per month. One needs to be prepared for the expense. Not affordable to someone below the consuming class/middle class. The nappy pad costs Rs 5 per piece and tends to be more economical but cannot be conveniently used inside shorts. If one can get the diapers from abroad during their trips, it may cost as less as Rs 8. I believe Naidu Hall has their own brand of diapers which is Rs 8-9 per piece and available in the T Nagar Branch in Chennai.

Environment - Bad for the earth. The 8 million nappies that are thrown away each day, contribute to about 4% if the UK's total waste. We are running out of room in landfill sites and as the plastic used in disposable nappies may take up to 500 years to degrade, the impact this 'convenience' product has on the environment is questionable.

A baby will use around 5,000 nappies over their nappy-wearing life. That produces a mountain of waste equivalent to 130 black bin-bags full.
Nearly 8 million nappies are thrown away every day in the UK; that's 3 billion a year.

The long term impact of chemicals used in nappy production have not been studied, but,
- Disposable nappies contribute an average 2.4% of household waste which equates to around 0.1% of total landfilled waste. Paper and card contribute 17% to household waste and garden waste contributes a further 15%. Household waste is a fraction of all waste which is landfilled in the UK.
- Manufacturers have decreased the overall weight of disposable nappies by around 40%. Technology ensures the continued improvement of the overall environmental profile of disposable nappies.
- Disposable nappies are compatible with all prevalent forms of waste management.

Biodegradable diapers may be the answer. And may make the tree huggers happy.

Aesthetics - High on aesthetics score. Does not spoil the look of a good attire.

Training - A baby may get used to passing urine only in the safety and comfort of a diaper. A friend mentioned that a child she knew used to poop only in his diaper and he refused to use the potty for a very long time. Trainer pants are extremely convenient for potty training and for older children when traveling and one does not have access to a clean bathroom, especially for girls.

As parents it is left to us to decide what we wish to use without feeling guilty either way as the impact of both on environment, wallet, convenience, comfort in total is more or less the same. Depends on what is the key to one as parents, is it comfort, convenience, cost, water or landfill?

To me the prime deciding factor is comfort for the baby. I would rather leave them in shorts and let them run around comfortably than tie them in either diaper or cloth nappy which they try to remove nowadays. But at night, they may wet themselves or the bed and that is very annoying for them. Therefore I use a nappy pad on the cloth diaper or sometimes the diaper.

Here's To Working Fathers And Their Woes

Riti Kaunteya — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 05:41:07 EDT

Pregnancy - Right from the time the news of a pregnancy is shared with the world, all pampering happens to the mom-to-be. They get the license to eat whatever they want, even take more than their fair share off the husband's plate. He doesn't have the freedom to eat anything the mere sight of which may be a potential cause of nausea to the wife. Suddenly everyone seems to side with the wife. The biggest ditcher is the mother. Overnight the DIL becomes the best, most loved and most cared-for person. All healthy, nutritious, tasty food is made for her and the poor, ignored son is made to do all the hard work including the simple tasks of switching on the fan and the tough sacrifice of handing over the TV remote to the wife.

They bear the brunt of the sudden bursts of emotion and are made to respond to all the whims of the pregnant wife. And do they get to buy paternity clothes? While women can use the occasion to shop every trimester for new maternity wear, then post-partum wear and then new clothes again once they are back in shape.

Post delivery, the situation is the same, if not worse, as the baby also joins the league.

A whole bunch of relatives will appear on the scene to help the new mother and none come to help the new father. Nobody prepares the new father - they have to learn the game themselves. If mom is a working one, she additionally gets to take the maternity leave from the so-supportive workplace. And some grant paternity leave to make sure that the father gets to support the wife in hospital, take care of the new baby, change diapers and hold the baby when the mom wishes to relax.

Re-prioritization - the loving wife becomes the loving mother and the order of priority is baby, baby, baby, self (so that she can take care of the baby), house (since everything has to be clean so that baby does not get affected), relatives (who are helping with the baby), maid (to help with the baby) and not to forget - husband.

Working Hours - Does the working father get a break at all? May be the mom gets to sleep when the baby sleeps. When Dad gets back home, the baby is handed over to him, in the name of bonding, even before he manages to remove his shoes. And of course, Mom is tired after taking care of the baby whole day while Dad is whiling away time at office. Weekends are never the same again. Since Mom takes care the entire week, Dad has to fill in during the weekends. So all hopes of even a small afternoon nap flies out of the window as Dad does not dare to express the wish of a nap to Mom who does not get any break during week days. Of course, all repair work, home maintenance work and shopping has to happen during the weekend so that Dad can do / supervise. Mom is willing to do it if Dad promises to take care of the baby without calling Mom for help even once!

The nights - since the doctor has advised no diapers at night, keep the baby comfortable, Dad is supposed to do the change of nappies and then hand over the baby to the waiting mom for feeding. If the baby still doesn't sleep, Dad will hold the baby and walk around till (s)he sleeps. After all, Mom has been doing exactly this the whole day and also elders say that the mother will find it difficult to put the baby to sleep. The baby will be able to recognize the mother, expect that feeding routine will take place and therefore will not sleep. So the indulgent Dad has to do the drill. Same for bottle feeding - Dr. Spock says, mom should leave the room when baby is fussing when bottle fed.

While Mom can sleep till late in the morning if the baby allows, so Dad has to get up and go for work - on time. Even miss breakfast if the entire household is busy with the baby.

Touring - wonder if it happens to the mom, but kids refuse to recognize the dad when he comes back after a longish tour. When my husband came back home from a three-week tour the little monsters decided that they did not know him at all, until he sat down to do his daily puja and rang the bell. When Tejas was 6 weeks old, Hubby suddenly materialsed after a two-week tour and planted a kiss on his cheeks, and the little fellow spent about twenty minutes crying in fear.

Separation pangs - Of course Dad also misses the baby, whether in office or while touring. Some times they also miss out in being the first one to witness a milestone happening.

Performance anxiety - diapering, holding the baby, making the baby sleep, baby should not cry in his lap etc. Basically be good at everything the mother does and be evaluated for the performance by everyone.

Bad Cop - Dad gets to be the monster. 'Wait till Daddy comes, I will tell him all that you did today.'

There, Dads of the world, I have taken up your cause. You may contribute and add to the list while we moms may look for more occasions of making you bond with the children.

Parenting: Double Trouble or Double the Fun

Riti Kaunteya — Mon, 9 Apr 2007 10:17:56 EDT

As far as I remember, as soon as I was old enough to start thinking about it, I wanted to have two kids, preferably twins so that I would do the hard work only once. I also allowed myself to imagine it would be one boy and one girl so that I could experience the best of both worlds.

Well, that's beside the point. What I want to document here are the dilemmas and tough decisions you take when you are bringing up twins. A mom of more than one kid also goes through similar dilemmas but when the kids are twins (or more?) things are different in many respects. Before the Moms of multiple singletons begin to protest - ladies, I just said different, I did not say more difficult or less difficult! And that goes for the Dads too, I hate to leave them out of this.

So here goes.

At the most basic level, it is okay to have different levels of feelings/ love/ affection for either of them. There I have brought it out in the open. You may like one's smile better or the other's looks better or likewise.

It is okay to instinctively pick one child up close and let the other be comforted by another care giver. You can't be doing both at the same time. As both the babies would crave for the Mom's individual attention, that needs to be given. As far as they are concerned, they are the only baby for their mom & dad and they do demand their space, attention and time. It is best if it is given on a rotation basis.

Even in animals you would observe that the mother takes care of the weakest the most. An animal follows its instincts as it has no social self to display. Nobody will censor the animal mom for not taking care of each baby impartially but the ani-mom instinctively supports the ani-babe that is weakest and needs her most at that time.

But we human moms tend to worry about what others will comment if she pays more attention to either one of her kids. This gets more obvious if the two children are of the same age and their needs are exactly the same at the same time.

I was often asked which baby I love more or I know moms that love their older/ oldest kid the most or the youngest is the dearest. I still refuse to answer clearly and yes if I have to analyze in detail, there are reasons why I like Ojas better and there are other set of reasons why I like Tejas better.

But nothing will make me share that, as I don't want them to grow older, read this and mould themselves according to my blog sentiments or otherwise. I want them to be as they are and I will like them for what they are. But yes, it is difficult to choose between the two and decide whom I like better. Maybe equality does exist at a higher level.

Human beings are not designed to feed a litter. Day 1 my Gynecologist recommended that I feed one and at the same time give the other the bottle else, in her own words, I could never manage it. Especially when they both are hungry at the same time. The Pediatrician said strictly no top feed and encouraged me saying you are doing a great job. The ped's focus was the kids and the gyn's was me! Is there a middle path?

To tell you the truth, with all due respect to my gyn (as obvious in most of my posts related to my pregnancy and later), I did not want to give them top feed. In the backdrop of all recommendations that Mom's milk is the best, for the first 6 months keep on exclusive b- feed, together with my Leo ego that refused to believe that I could not manage the two, I went by the ped's instructions.

And it hurt. It hurt me physically when every 45 minutes or less I had one baby hanging on to me for 8-10 minutes or so. I used to sit with a time piece and stop at exactly 8 or 10 minutes because of the pain. The duration of each feed increased gradually and a time came when even after 40 minutes the boys refused to relieve me.

And the nights were terrible. I never slept for more than 1 hour at a stretch. Even during the day, when the boys deigned to sleep I had other activities like taking a bath, kitchen, maid, cleaning, etc to take care of. I had a lousy, lazy, messy maid during that time; even I with my limited jhaadoo pochcha skills could do a better job.

It hurt me emotionally when the other baby was screaming his lungs off and I was in the midst of feeding one baby. And I could not make him release me so that the other could take over. I could feel one being frantically on the job if the other was screaming on his head and waiting in line to be next. Even they could feel the stress.

After 1 week I asked the doc whether I could express milk and give. Another no. But I did that anyway to make things easier for me. The only issue was that the boys did not give sufficient time gap for the expressing to be easy.

There were desperate situations when I used to hold one baby and feed him and prop the other one on a pillow or even better ask my mom to hold the other one and let him feed on the other side.

Everyone said that they cry as they remain hungry in spite of the frequent feeds. They cry as the milk quantity is not enough. They cry as they digest the milk fast and therefore they are hungry quickly. They cry as they are not getting my exclusive attention.

Excuse me! I disagree; the quantity was never a problem. The 60 lactation tablets I took ensured that. It was the ability to feed for enough time that was the problem. It is humanly impossible to do that every 45 minutes for a duration of anything from 10 min to 40 min.

15-20 days into this and I decided to leave ego aside and follow the gyn's advice. I gave them cow's milk and that day I cried for being a bad mom. For letting them assimilate germs and diseases from the outside and facing a lifetime of low resistance.

However, I agree that life became a lot easier. When I say 'a lot' it is still a lot less easier than a normal life. I switched them to cow's milk every morning post bath and before bed to ensure a rested sleep post both occasions. In fact they used to sleep easily and cried lesser as their stomach was more full perhaps. I used the bottle despite advices against it. Practical Problem: I did not have the stamina and patience (yes I am really using that word!) to sit and spoon-feed milk to both of them at that stage.

There were days when the two decided to take turns in their sleeping time. When one sleeps the other does not and vice versa. In effect, the entire day I was battling with their needs - feed, clean, sleep, nappy changes. I did not believe in diapering them so I had to always have the paraphernalia of cloth nappy, rubber cloth, washable diapers whenever needed or simply unlimited number of chaddis/shorts.

Believe me it is annoying. Diapering is much easier. But the tree hugger in me did not allow me to burden the environment. Also, my pet question - what if I had to wear a sanitary napkin all day all month all year? How would I feel then?

For a mom, the easiest way to calm the baby is feeding him/her. And even the baby expects it when he comes to the mom's lap. So when both are crying for a comfort feed, it really becomes difficult to choose. At that time it is very important to have help on hand whether it is maid, relative, mom or MIL. And it always helps to keep the milk bottle ready. The other baby who is left out gets really impatient.

When one is getting a wash and the other is left in the room alone (s)he can bring the roof down with screams. So help is handy in preventing the crying scene! Especially in the stage of if-I-am-left-alone-I-should-cry. In fact, I used to squirm at the idea of a maid touching my kid, forget giving them their food/ handling the bottle. But today I am depending on my two maids to help me maintain my sanity.

I was keen to sun them everyday for their Vitamin D. My flat does not get direct sunlight all the time which is a blessing, being in Chennai. But I wanted my babies to soak up strong, direct sunlight for at least 20 minutes straight. So I used to take them for a walk everyday in their double pram. Rather I wanted to take them out in their new double pram instead of my old single pram. But just my luck.

I would notice that both are in a good mood and not doing anything in particular (for that age) and plan to take them out. Promptly one will fall asleep and I will have to take the other guy out in the old, single pram. Later on I made it a point to take them out / send them out at the same time every day to make them used to it. Also, the walk gave me much needed exercise.

While shopping or going for parties, we do not have the luxury of Mom eating while Dad holds the baby or Dad pushes the shopping cart and Mom holds the baby. Both hold their respective charges and also the dinner plate or shopping cart. We do not know the concept of relief. Or we must always request someone to accompany us or look after the babies while we do a quick-but-always-looking-at-the-watch-and-calling-up-home-to-check shopping.

But things get better after the third month and around six months it's even better. In fact, progressively the situation gets better. They begin to play with each other, follow you around and have other activities to occupy them. Also we get sensitized and used to handling them better than what we were earlier.

This is how I spent the early days - the first 6-8 months. I will continue with more insights in my follow up post.