Desicritics Author: PerihelionFlux

Mera Dost MIG

PerihelionFlux — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 00:26:11 EDT

I wrote this article some time back when I read that IAF had approached Bollywood to make a movie on IAF. It was waiting to take off on my blog or DC but suffered the fate of many armed forces initiatives - waiting to take off. But finally I'm DC'ing it now.

So what did IAF want to show through Bollywood - the ineffective MIGs and other medieval Russian supplied craft that result in the deaths of tens of IAF pilots every year? Or cameos by well-fed, whisky-sipping and salute-hungry deal-brokering brigadiers and generals? But definitely a dewy eyed village belle swept away in the parachute of a MIG pilot who ejected before his MIG took him 'down'?

Today's wars are fought from the air and the large number of foot soldiers won't be able to do much if they are carpet bombed and daisy cuttered by swift and effective craft like the ones owned by our neighbours.

If someone thinks that a tasteless patriotic goulash stirred up by Bollywood would motivate Indians to defend their country, then they need to get out of their mansions and see India's dilapidated infrastructure, the "I will sell my mother for your vote" politicians and the suffering people who put up with all this - including Bollywood movies. Thankfully, Bollywood didn't seem keen to showcase IAF's 'might' and 'charm' to Indians.

What India needs more than patriotism right now is modern technology and equipment to defend itself and well remunerated and well treated soldiers who can look forward to a life beyond saluting the officers or tending to their gardens, children and wives.

What we need is a culture where a soldier needs to only worry about defending their motherland and not about defending themselves because they didn't salute their seniors or their seniors' wives.

Off to the movies, young lass and don't come out before you have become a patriot.

China - Whose Problem Is It?

PerihelionFlux — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 02:49:53 EDT

I wrote this after reading Tarun Vijay's column "2 am Call" on TOI's Web site. Mr Vijay was commenting on the Chinese snubbing India by summoning India's ambassador to China in the wee hours of the morning to register their displeasure at the Tibetan protesters breaking through security outside the Chinese embassy in India.

I know what I am writing below does not directly relate to India-China relations but what it does relate to is the subterranean causal factors of the intransigence of the approach to intractable problems and malaise afflicting the Indian nation state. Failure to stand up to China in this particular instance is an example of this.

The response from the Indian government and people to this insult was practically non-existent. This is indicative of India's meekness in tackling difficult issues both on the home and external affairs fronts. In my opinion, the problem is not just incompetent and inert politicians but lots of other factors. India is a democracy where the people choose their representatives, so the people have to share the blame for the non-committal, comatose state India is in with regards to taking ownership of India's predicament.

Indians have to wake up and not vote along divisive lines of caste, profession and lineage. This lack of awareness is due to lack of education, which is one of the root causes of the problems in India. Real change will not come from articulating India's malaise and their solutions on blogs, Web sites and newspapers.

I don't believe the NRIs vote and neither do the intelligentsia who feel cynically detached from the Indian political system because they feel that no one is worthy of their vote. Ironic, isn't it, since I'm doing exactly what I decry but my purpose here is a "call to arms" if you will, to those who have the means to bring about change.

Real change will come by fostering and promoting an inclusive educational, political and economical system whereby the poor and disenfranchised (in all respects) Indians' faculties of discernment and self assertion (economic, cultural et al) are strengthened so that consequently they become the drivers of change by heralding in a new breed of administrators and leaders who have the interests of India in their hearts and minds instead of their own parochial and provincial interests.

Who will actuate and implement such initiatives? Definitely not the politicians as it will actually mobilise the people against the continued entrenchment of the incompetent and effete political clique and dynasties. The changes won't be brought about by reciting slokas from Bhagvad Gita, or quotes from the hoary literary repository of India's scriptures and Tagores, to weary and starving Indian masses.

The change has to come from the people - you and me; and yes, the corporations and the rich can help with the means at their disposal but it is really everyday Indians who have to lead the charge.

I am advocating adoption of a few of the initiatives below:

1. NRIs and other people with means should adopt at least one indigent Indian child or family and invest in their education.

2. In neighbourhoods and villages throughout India, the prominent citizens should bring about changes in their circle of influence. This could be as simplistic as asking your maid to bring her children to your house while she does her work so that you can provide tuitions to her kids. We have to erase notions of class consciousness from our minds and only then can all of India present a united front to bullies like China on the outside and criminal politicians on the inside.

3. Accept that the problems of India are the problems of every Indian - not just the politicians and the armed forces. Let this acceptance transform us from apathetic cynics to change agents.

4. Protest against injustices in the non-cyber world as well. When something like the '2am Call' was brought to light, were there any protests from the Indians? If not, then the problem is with our disdainful and injurious apathy, rather than with the politicians. The politicians will have to listen if there are large-scale protests. If the vote bank is creaking and moaning, surely the creditors (politicians) have to wake up and take notice.

5. Engage in the political process. Encourage the honest, intellectual, patriots and intelligentsia to contest in elections and then vote for them. If you fit these categories then stand up in the elections yourself.

China is like a livid mongrel hurtling towards the big bone it has seen others chew and grow fat on, without caring about whether it's mutated. Rabid saliva falls on its own feet or on others and does irreparable harm on the way. The response of the West and other countries like India to China's avaricious hopscotch is like that of a poodle yelping excitedly with its eyes covered by its own hairs and its tail wagging reflexively.

China's arrogance must be tempered by the firm stand of other countries who impress upon China with words and deeds that progress and respect is a collaborative two way process. China may smother the dignity and self respect of its own people but it should not be allowed to do the same with peoples outside the jurisdiction of its territories and governance. India, for its part, must assume its responsibility as an emerging regional and world power to counter China's reckless usurpation of the territorial and attendant cultural and economic wealth that is in the rightful possession of other peoples. For this to happen, Indians have to stand up to enable India to stand up.

If India does not stand up to China it stands to lose more than what it has already lost to China such as Aksai Chin, sizable parts of Arunachal Pradesh and Kashmir.

It will lose a place that Indians can call home. Just ask the Tibetans what that feels like.

Heart To Heart

PerihelionFlux — Mon, 10 Jul 2006 13:05:46 EDT

The following is a transcript of a late breaking news segment from CBS, a US TV channel (For explanation of the acronyms used in this sentence, please see the end of this post):

The war is on. And it is being televised live. Please tune in every day right after Sex and the City to follow the latest developments in this battle between good and evil. Highlights from the previous day are broadcast every afternoon from 1300-1330 hours.

It has recently come to our attention that the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people have been largely won by the forces of democracy: America and its allies. There is much rejoicing all around Iraq and around the world. Iraqis have been so happy that they have started blowing up their own cars in which they were travelling to their relatives homes, killing themselves and other rejoicing pedestrians on the street. Of course the Americans have to teach them that it is not advisable to do so particularly when the explosives they use have been made in America and other technologically advanced western countries. It is not the same as buying firecrackers from Abdul's shop in their neighbourhood.

Moreover our explosives are all marked with 'Dangerous: Only to be used on the enemy' and 'We are Sorry to have hurt anyone's feelings as a result of the use of this device' signs as required by American law. But of course these signs are in english and most Iraqis have difficulty understanding it. Even if some literate people were to use these bombs, they wouldn't be able to read it as the tears of joy and happiness running down their eyes and cheeks would make their vision fuzzy. Plans are on war-footing to make Arabic audio tapes advising of the dangers of using explosives accessible to the ordinary Iraqi.

Nevertheless this is just another indication of Iraqis growing sense of relief and self-confidence and the Americans have been instrumental in this sea change in the Iraqis' lives.

Sketchy reports have just been received from Haditha that a large number of people's hearts and minds have been won in that district. These reports have mainly been received in the form of songs and videos by our soldiers stationed in Iraq. Soldiers have been advised to use the formal means of communication to relay information about the battlefield but the president has given a special concession to them on account of the exemplary work they have been doing. Just this morning a young kid came running towards an American Humvee, shouting and with a parcel in his hand and a big backpack on his shoulders. The kid was overrun by the Humvee as the commander suspected him to be a suicide bomber targeting the Americans. On inspecting the load that the suspected suicide bomber was carrying, it was found that the bags were full of Toblerone chocolates. A note was found on the young kid thanking the Americans for winning over the hearts and minds of his family members.

Just that morning he had woken up to find his father, mother and little sister sprawled in the bedroom with red marks all around on the walls and the house in a messy state. The kid had been listening to the news and had heard about our 'Win the hearts and minds' campaign and came to the conclusion that his family's hearts and minds were won by the Americans and his parents and sister were so happy over this that they had probably slaughtered a goat and had a great romp all night. This, the kid wrote, explained the red marks on the walls and the messy state of the house. Moreover he tried to wake them up but they were possibly passed out from all the physical strain of celebrating.

The kid wrote that he was disappointed and he even kicked his little sister for not waking him up to enjoy the celebrations. He mentioned that he was soon overcome by feelings of gratitude towards the Americans and had collected all his Toblerone chocolates that he was given on his birthday and also the chocolates that were presented to his sister as she wouldn't be needing them soon, being already full from the goat she ate and had brought them for the Americans.

Soldiers on the ground have been told to be more careful in the future if they see kids running towards them with backpacks for they might miss out on some chocolates. They have been supplied with a new laser which they must first aim at such kids' backpacks and the heat of the laser would melt the chocolate if it was there and they would see a brown liquid oozing out of the backpack. If this doesn't happen, they must assume danger and shoot at the kids' legs to stop them well short of themselves and then ask them in Arabic if they had chocolates with them. This way we can avoid unnecessary casualties and our soldiers can give themselves the much needed sugar boost to win the heart and minds of other Iraqis a la Haditha.

The president has stated that Americans regret this deeply and apologise to the kid's parents for any inconvenience this may have caused. The stars of Sex and the City have offered to lend moral support to the residents of Haditha in these testing times.

To explain this good work we have to understand how we have reached here and why we sent our dear sons and daughters on the path of danger and sacrifice. The Americans have been trying very hard to bring democracy to Iraq (pronounced 'I-Wreck' by US Americans). We have succeeded in removing (synonym: 'sodomising', from the free peoples vocabulary) Sodom Whosevain, a tyrant and the principal opponent of democracy from his bunker and hole. Hell, we even toppled his statue and draped the American flag over it, which was meant to democratise the statue and had no sinister undertones as Al-Jazeera would have you believe. The statue, after being fully democratised, is now collecting dust in some warehose and is resigned to its fate. I told you we democratised it! And this is what democratisation does to people and statues alike.

I acknowledge this is old news but this is the only good thing we have been able to do so far and good deeds need to be talked about over and over again when humanity desperately needs hope and courage which have been sucked out from people's lives by the world-affecting tragedies of the Queen Mother's and the Pope's death and the horrific evening when the earth stood still when our president almost died when he choked on a pretzel while trying to say the word 'nuclear' at the same time. At that moment the president heard God talking to him and inspired him to bring democracy to the dark corners of this earth. And God said to him...

Woof...Woof...

and then licked him in his ear.

Don't believe Al-Jazeera if they tell you that it was his pooch who did this. Al-Jazeera doesn't tell the truth and even if you think it was his pooch, well you know what, God works in mysterious ways through his creatures. That evening it dawned upon the president that he was the chosen one (before this there were doubts about him being the chosen one in people's minds, what with the hanging chads in Florida and some black guys not being able to vote for Al Gore because they had gangrene in their legs and they had no fingers which they could have used to vote anyway).

I-Wreck is much safer now. In fact it has been made as safe as it could ever be by the Americans who introduced democracy there. Now anybody can kill anybody there, at any time and in any manner they please. Just like in America. And this is what democracy is all about. Solving our differences in a peaceful way and what could be more peaceful than death? Now that we have sown the seeds of democracy in I-Wreck, it would be nurtured by the sweet blood-red waters of the Tigris and the rain of bullets which fall down in each and every city of I-Wreck every day and more so on Fridays because that's when the muslins pray and boy, has God heard their prayer or what? Note: 'muslins' is not an incorrect word, it is part of our drive to re-educate the world. Moreover we have been advised by the British, the inventors of english, that it is the correct spelling for this word.

Due to this peace and prosperity that has been brought to their country, the Iraqis celebrate every day with loud explosions and much shouting. They even blow up their own cars, so happy they are. Well, we still have a long way to go and we will have to teach them the ways of the civilised world.

Blowing up your own cars is not civilised. In America, it makes our pet dogs and cats jumpy and they run away from their homes, never to be found again. This can lead to the untimely deaths of 90+ year old geriatrics who become heart-broken and grief-stricken over the loss of their only companion. That's why Americans don't do it in their own country and if they have such an urge they do it in some other country and the other country gets democracy in the bargain. That's all for this night's special bulletin. Please stick around as Sex and the city is up next followed by the live telecast of the latest developments in the theater of war in I-Wreck.

Acronyms used in the first sentence:
US: US. As in the example: US against THEM. Or another example: They hate US.

Prayer Of The Livid

PerihelionFlux — Mon, 10 Jul 2006 11:17:32 EDT

he was mesmerized by her ass,
suddenly his reverie was shattered by its loud braying.

the bitch was in heat, i could tell
the homeless were all hunched around it, warming their hands.

her gaze was lifeless and cold
he hesitated for a moment,
wanting to do CPR on her;
but his first aid certificate had just expired the previous day.

he yelled 'Eject!' to his co-pilot
just as he spied a bigger kite with a glass covered string
tangle with their lifeline;
Alas! he couldn't free himself in time,
accepting the gravity of his situation
he fell to the ground with a thud,
and was lustily scooped up by grinning urchins
their cries ringing in his ears: kaate! kaate!

how lice! the shopkeeper blurted in excitement
as he saw the bedraggled man squash a lice
between his thumbnails.

the ball was in her court,
she picked it up and hid it behind her;
she feigned ignorance when the shy kid
asked her, digging all the while in the ground
with his big toe, looking down;
hoping to find it buried there.

the grass was greener on the other side,
all the cattle were grazing there.

he digged in his pocket with a shovel
and found a mudra from the reign of Ashoka;
he wondered how the dry cleaner had missed it all these years?