Desicritics Author: Pavan

Cube Maketh a Person?

Pavan — Fri, 8 Dec 2006 10:26:04 EST

Yesterday, my friend was playing with (trying to solve) Rubik's cube, and I got re-fascinated by it. Childhood flashback: I remember I took it apart to find out what made it work that way, the mechanism inside fascinated me more than the cube itself. And now, I am a mechanical engineer.

That got me thinking, does the direction of curiosity tell anything about the person's penchant for a particular discipline? Here are some generalisations that my demented mind churned out, and named it aptly "Pavan's Theory on babies and cubes":

If you give a Rubik's cube to a baby, and if he breaks it apart, then he is destined to become a mechanical engineer, like the humble me.

If the baby throws the cube, and tries to catch it, or throws it for the dog to catch and bring it back, he would be a sportsperson.

If the baby throws the cube at the baby-next-cradle, then accept the fact that it would be a terrorist

If the baby asks the baby-next-cradle to solve the cube.. first politely, and then taking its milk bottle as ransom, then it would grow up to become a manager

If the baby uses the cube to reach to the mirror by stepping on it, then it would be a super-model

If the baby hides the cube within 4 seconds, by hiding it in the diapers, then he has two options: becoming a magician like David Copperfield or a famous thief/con like Daniel Ocean

If the baby instantly starts solving the cube, then either he is a genius, or a good actor.

If the baby takes out the color stickers and puts them in order (instead of solving it), then beware.. you have a hacker-baby!

If the baby trades the cube for a farex can or a milk-bottle, then he could be a politician or a successful businessman.

If the baby expects incentives like kisses or undue attention from the people around, to get him started with solving the cube, he shall be a Government officer (or politician?)

If the baby starts documenting about the cube, without even knowing what it is supposed to do with it, then it would be a great Bureaucrat.

If the baby instantly starts googling for the cube-solving-algorithms, then you have a programmer-baby or a grad student in the making!

If the baby tries to insert the cube up its nose, then you have a budding comedian!

And, last but not the least, if the baby starts chewing the cube, then worry not, you have a normal baby! All the others (above) were abnormal psychos/freaks.

Anonymous Coward vs. Superhero

Pavan — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 00:15:38 EDT

Disclaimer: By "Superhero", I am not being gender-biased, but using it in a generic sense, like the word "Actor" also encompasses females, and by "anonymous", I also mean those with partially shielded info, or those with virtual identities that cant be tracked to their real identities. Anonymous Coward, as defined by Wikipedia.

I had been thinking of "Anonymity" in virtual life for some time, and thought of putting some perspectives. My question is: Why do people (I am your anonymous partner in this crime) maintain anonymity? be it on blogs, or forums?

First, let me bust the myth! There is nothing called "absolute anonymity". The technologically advanced can track every click of yours, your IP, your ISP, your OS and browser, your Geo location. The stats feature (or the whois feature) allows one to remove your cloak of secrecy and bust you, even if it makes you think that commenting from anonymous@anonymo.us is safe.. unless you are using proxy.

Next, anonymity in real life: There are occasions when people (in general) yearn for anonymity in real life: when one is smoking/drinking in India or when one is with somebody of the opposite gender at a coffee shop, when one is so pissed off at the prying eyes of the society that anonymity is a boon..

So, the question is: WHY maintain anonymity in virtual life? Why cant one come out and be a superhero.. stand for whatever their opinions are.. not be afraid of what society thinks of them, or their opinions? There are various reasons, which I gathered from my research (I invite other dimensional analysis from you):

(*) Flow of thoughts: For many, unless there is this freedom from not being judged, freedom from the "I-know-what-you-blogged-last-summer" threat is present, the creative juices dont start to flow

(*) The feeling of being a superhero (pseudo?): There is an air of mystery associated with the anonymous or those with fake/virtual identities.. This argument holds good. A normal human tends to lose interest if the virtual identity is "parda-faashed" (is stripped of..) and the real him/her is known to the world. The lesser the info, the more the mystery, and hence more interest! So you feel like a Superman/Spiderman :)

(*) Nowadays, employers (or in my case, prospective employers) google for you before they take you in. Why? So that you dont stand for something outrageous/extreme.. it is a safe measure they take so that they dont have to repent for your intake later. Now how do your opinions matter to them? Hmmn, because you are part of them, and some dumb people might perceive your voice to be that of the company, even if it is on "Who is hotter, Sonali Bendre or Sonali Kulkarni".

(*) People (in society) judge you from what you write/opine on. And many times they are wrong (especially about a schizophrenic person like me), but still it is dangerous to let those words out about someone with whom relations matter.

(*) The are instances when a person (who is revealing a top-secret news piece) has to hide his identity for saving his life.

Now the bigger question, DOES IT MATTER? Does it matter if the virtual person is a female or male? Does it matter if the other person is not what he/she projects to be.. For society, "yes!" because it is human tendancy to start profiling a being (person or dog) right from the point any kind of interaction/communication begins. And it becomes an unsolved mystery as to who the real person is. As regards to me, I am a schizophrenic alien writing from Mars in the very distant future. And careful, I am watching ya! :D

Welcome to Bald-a-geddon

Pavan — Wed, 2 Aug 2006 05:03:32 EDT

Welcome to Bald-a-geddon. Yes, a disaster awaits us. And there is only one person who can save us: Bruce Willis.. oops! even he is bald!

It isn't rare to see guys in their twenties getting a receding hairline. From the studies I have performed, baldness falls into these categories: 1) receding hairline 2) thinning hair 3) both of the above. This reminds me of the quote:

People who bald from the front are sexy, people who bald from the back are thinkers, and people who bald from both the sides think they are sexy..

And surprise surprise! Even females fall in this category (as if..). Baldness is one of the biggest threats aajkal (other than global warming, but ah well!) one can think of (as it seems).

It starts with an innocent phone call, “yaar, me just asking.. how many strands of hair do you lose per shampoo session?” I reply in wikipedia ishtyle “It is natural to lose about 100 strands per day, so chill”. Next question after a microsecond gap, “which shampoo do you use.. I mean do you think it could be the shamoo?” Dr. Pavan speaks, “Yes, use a low pH shampoo.. sometimes it is also the water.. if it is too basic, it might be harming your hair..”

Then comes the confession, “dude.. I am BALDing.. yes big-time!! I have acres of unconstructed empty plots.. acres of it.. on my head.. only if I could make use of the real-estate boom.. but I am doomed.. what about marriage? girl friends? Before I get married, I am becoming grandpa! and I am just a quarter century old!! Help! err btw how do you know so much info.. and how were you able to answer all my q’s?” Dr. Pavan replies, “thats for another day beta.. so pray tell me how much have you lost.. or should I say how much do you have remaining?”

Grrr..

Well, here comes your childhood haunting you. Remember how you would yell “takley uncle” and run away.. leaving a bald uncle wondering who the devil was.. remember how you would mock at a kid just returned from Tirupathy? How he would be the talk of the class.. how you would use his head to rub the cricket ball against to make the ball rough? How you would use his head when you were out of sand-paper in arts class? how you would use his head to focus sun-rays for all your scientific experiments when he had oiled his head? How you used his head as tabla when you were possesed by Zakir Hussain?

Guess what? It is payback time!

So coming back to “actual” baldness, one cant blame.. its in the genes.. the pollution, the diet, the water, the lifestyle.. it isnt surprising if the dad-son pair is mistaken as son-dad pair!! But how serious is the problem?

Indians view it in a more serious manner. I have seen Americans being bindaas with their shaven heads.. sometimes it makes them look cooler.. but Indians relate it to potency.. and masculinity.. no hair? no pair! Yes, females think not twice.. but about a bazillion times before thinking of a future with a baldie.. sad but true.. (generalising from a median view.. could be wrong). Believe me, “bald men are sexy” look is back in US, but it has never been true in desi females’ perspective.. so before one gets totally bankrupt (hairwise).. one thinks of getting married (with the whatever remaining balance).

There are alternatives.. like hair-weaving/transplant etc.. but is it worth it? Nope.

Isnt it the personality that finally matters?

It is not what is on your head that counts, but what lies beneath it that matters.
- said a famous balding Swami in Yajur-veda, page#420..

PS: The title of the post is dedicated to someone I know who has so much hair, that he is called so.

Bald and the beautiful?

Geek-lish

Pavan — Sat, 3 Jun 2006 00:49:50 EDT

Here is a fictional scenario (which is slowly becoming reality):

Imagine English getting impure with geek talk, sooo impure that you find it difficult to separate the two, maybe even distinguish between the two. (Reading a couple of random geek quotes/cartoons online got me thinking and write this.)

I am with my advisor. He: "So Pavan, where have you been for so many days?". Me: "Sorry Prof, 404 error: health not found."

Random person on road: "Hey, any idea how I get to the nearest Kinko's?" Me: "Yeah, simple. cd I-10\Exit 240\Vancouver Ave\ and then... oops sorry not Vancouver Ave. cd.. cd Montana Ave and then it is next to Starbuck's" He: "Urghh thanks, but are you okay?"

Roomie: "Hey what's Citibank's toll free number?" Me: "It's 1-800-[(10x)(ln(13e))]-[sin(8*pi)/2.362]."

Cousin from India: "So anna, what exactly are you working on?" Me:"I am trying to simulate and enhance the mixing of kryptonic lasers in crossflow using Einstein-Kumar hypothesis in 4th dimension, taking into consideration time dilation under 10,000 Reynolds number conditions by introducing Synthetic Jets... or in other words no idea."

The first language my kids would speak is BASIC: "10 PRINT "dad" 20 PRINT "dad" 30 PRINT "Could we have some chocolates please?" 40 INPUT X and me: 10 "X=NO" 20 PRINT "Over and out."

I would name my kids "CTRL", "ALT" and "DEL" so that when things go out of control, a simultaneous smack on their backs would bring things back to normalcy.

Wife/Girlfriend/any bugging person: "Honey, put the trash out and do the laundary" and me "Hmmn Bad command or Filename."

A friend: "Dude, make sure nobody knows about this hot news I got.." and me: "Don't worry, this conversation is 128-bit encrypted. Not even NSA would get to know."

Me: "Hey, why don't you ALT-F4 whatever you are doing and let's watch this movie I got."

"Hey I can't find the house keys da" Answer: "Did you Google it?" Yes, I know, it's a lame, lame joke.

School scenario: a) Teacher asks student a question, kid takes his cell phone out and she says "Nooo, You can't call a tech support" b) Teacher asks him a question and he is thinking. She asks him what he's doing and he replies "Downloading answer. 22% remaining at 44kbps speed."

Intern to Manager: "I was thinking out of the box and now I can't get back in. I forgot the password." Yikes!

I am with this date and the first question after the usual "hi" and "breaking ice" is: "So, what's your syntax like? Do you come with a manual or something? Mayvbe a help command? No? At least Release notes? Oh c'mon do you freaking have a CHANGELOG or TODO file at least?"

When my friend was once being mugged, he cried out "F2, F2, Please F2 me". Yeaaah, he eventually scared that person robbing him.

Is it CTRL-B THAT CTRL-B scary? I [i] hope [/i] you understand me.

Movie Review: Darna Zaroori Hai

Pavan — Thu, 4 May 2006 00:37:43 EDT

Lights off, camera on, axan.

Darna Zaroori Hai (DZH), when translated using the in-built Pavan translator, comes to "It is necessary to fear". Boo.

Yesterday, I was asked by my friend to accompany him to this movie. I was waiting to watch this movie, and never realised that it was released. In less than 10 minutes, I was in.

**Warning: This review contains some spoilers, hence if you are either weak-hearted or have any intentions of watching the movie, please skip this post.**

The movie, on the whole, made me laugh and smile more than giving a thrilling jerk/surprise. It made me laugh, because people have inherent fear, it could be fear of anything.. but most (and I would say ALL) have fear embedded into them. The funny part is that 'that fear' frightens them or kills them because they get fooled by themselves. This might sound vague, but this might help:

The opening of the movie is simply too good. The first 10 minutes is worth the money you put on the ticket. RGV (or his story writer) must have been really creative to have thought of such a start. He even makes fun of his own movie (Darna Mana Hai). Ok, here goes the starting:

Sajid Khan directed this part: Manoj Pahwa, a very good actor, mostly comedy genre, plays the role of an Air-force one (bewarse, good-for-nothing, hawa pe ghoomta?) bekar fellow who spends his mom's money on eating, watching movies, and more movies and food. He never misses "Last day last show" of any movie. That night, it was 9:20, and he was about to leave to watch "Darna mana hai". His mom warns him not to go via the graveyard route (shortcut) because it was Friday the 13th, and it was amavasya. They have a small conversation about a chudail who roams this special day, and he leaves after assuring her he would avoid that way. While going, he not only goes through the kabristaan, but also pisses on the peepal tree, mocks at the graves. After watching the movie, he returns the same way.. but this time he is a little afraid. The way doesnt look the same. It is past mid-night. He walks slowly and listens to the paayal sound. He thinks the chudail is following him, and runs. The payaal sounds gets faster, making him think she is following him. He stops, the sound stops. After some chase, he falls down with a stroke (shock) and while falling, sees a ghost. When he lands on the ground, he instantly dies. Then, Sajid Khan beautifully takes you through a series of scenes which tell the reality.

**Digression: Somehow reminded me of this skeletal thriller I had penned sometime back** In the theatre, he got lotsa change from the food stall, and the cling of the coins made him think it was paayal, and the best part, the ghost is still shown by the camera. Then, slowly the camera is lowered.. It is a cut-out of an old female (spooky of course) and below which are the words "Coming soon: Darna Zaroori Hai".

Boo.

The movie opens with a song featuring Nisha Kothari (RGV's choice of women ensure audiences from all classes). The movie is about 5 children, who get lost after wandering in a forest. It gets dark and rainy, and hence they get into a house where they meet an old lady. They ask her if she isnt afraid to stay alone, and then she says that her servant has gone to the city to get her some medicines and should be back any minute.

One kid says that he isnt afraid (somehow the topic comes to this) and she takes them to a room upstairs and says that she would narrate 6 spine-chilling stories to scare them. "Darna Zaroori hai, beta".

Story 1:

RGV directs this episode starring AB (very good acting) and Ritesh Deshmukh (was wasted here). RD plays a student, whose professor, AB, believes that there is somebody present in his room who comes and goes. The student doesnt buy his claims, but then sees who it was. The emphasis on the mirror is very well done. But the story wasnt great.

Story 2:

Prawal Raman (director of Darna mana hai) has this 2nd episode starring Arjun Rampal, Bipasha Basu and Makrand Deshpande. Sometimes, the story gets on the nerves. And the ending was predictable. Arjun Rampal did a good job. Rest were passable.

NOTE: If you have watched the Nana Patekar and Vivek Oberoi episode of Darna Mana Hai, then you could guess the plot of most of the stories (except the opening one and Anil Kapoor, I guess.)

Story 3:

Anil Kapoor is a movie-maker in this episode directed by Jijy Philips. He gives Mallika Sherawat lift till Khandala and there are fluctuations in this story, from scaring to joking to scaring to joking.. a nice attempt but nah.. didnt impress me. What impressed me was that Mallika did a good job.

Story 4:

I liked this episode (more than the rest) which is directed by J.D. Chakravarthy, with some awesome performances by Randeep Hooda and Zakir Hussain. It sounds a bit like Aahat stories, where people get possesed by aatma. The humor and acting are really really well done.

Story 5:

Vivek Shah directs this episode with not a great story line but some very good acting from Rajpal Yadav. He plays an insurance agent who visits a couple (Suniel Shetty and Sonali Kulkarni.. she looks amazing here.. amazing I tell ya). He creates suspicion, hate, and then sympathy. The ending was very odd for me initially. I wasnt sure if the couple and kid were ghosts (as somebody suggested) but the irony was good indeed.

The old lady stops here. In between, one by one the kids go downstairs to drink water/go to loo, and get killed. This brave kid (a boy, sole survivor) still says he isn't scared and asks about the 6th story. To this, she says the 6th story was told in the beginning: her servant has gone.. true.. but she is dead. All the kids are dead, and happily enjoying with this new grandma in the aatma lok. She died because the servant didnt get that medicine from city on time.

I was discussing this movie with my friend whom I accompanied and he too felt the same way.. after watching DMH, DZH falls flat. Hey, but atleast it's a nice attempt from the routine movies. When I reached home, I told my roomies:

I: Hey we watched DZH
Roomie: We?
I: Yeah we
Roomie: Dude, we? who is with you?
I: we.. meaning me and m..y.. uhhh f..r..i..e..n..d..

I had watched a movie with myself. Yes, I am schizophrenic.

Vikram Buddhi, Indian Student, Prosecuted For Online Threats Against President, Others

Pavan — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 17:58:55 EDT

Vikram S. Buddhi, a 34 year old grad student from IIT Bombay, enrolled at Purdue to pursue a doctorate degree in mathematics, is now charged with making online threats against President G.W. Bush and Vice President Cheney, Laura Bush and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

His lawyer says he is protected by First Amendment (Free speech) and that his rants should not be treated as threat. Vikram had allegedly posted his messages on a Yahoo Finance board dedicated to Sirius Satellite radio, a site that receives 2 million to 3 million hits a day. A concerned citizen saw these messages and informed the Dallas Secret Service.

The messages include:

In December, he called for the assassination of Bush and to "rape and kill Laura Bush," to "kill Dick Cheney the white fat pig," to "kill Donald Rumsfeld the old geezer crook" and to "rape and kill the Anglosaxon Republicans," according to an affidavit in the case.

From the news item:

"Two days later, on another site, Buddhi allegedly again called for Bush's assassination and wrote: "Bomb key sites in US: It's legal 4 Arabs." He posted two similar messages in December and January, according to the affidavit signed by Eric Dickey, a Secret Service agent.

The U.S. Attorney in northern California subpoenaed Yahoo! Inc., requesting information associated with the screen name used for the messages. Investigators traced the user to Purdue University, where further investigation indicated the messages were sent by Buddhi, the affidavit said.

Dickey said Buddhi was questioned on Jan. 18 and admitted posting the messages. He was arrested Friday."

What shocks me more are these two points:

1) He being an educated fellow, why of all the avenues of venting his frustration out, did he choose this form? Couldn't he have opted for a more safe, constructive method? Or was it after a few shots of "some high alcoholic drink"?

2) Isn't the US Govt. too at fault? I mean they are over reacting. It was just some insane activity he did, which could have been solved in some other manner. They are exhibiting their foolishness by falling to his online rants. And this goes as a message (a threat?) to others to not cross the limits of free-speech, else there is a price to pay.

Only if both the parties had responded to each other in a mature way, this wouldn't have made news.

In Search of My Alter-ego

Pavan — Tue, 18 Apr 2006 00:10:43 EDT

If you have some time to spare, please answer this short questionnaire:

Does consuming cough syrup keep you awake while coffee puts you to sleep instantly?

Do you feel like killing the fellow desi when you meet him/her on a street and your courteous smile or "hi" is reciprocated with a nod of the head, with the "theekh hai jaa, lekin apun yahan dada, kya?" attitude?

Do you have a hard time remembering some stuff, like who cooked yesterday or what exactly were you working on three days back or if you went to the gym last week? Or if somebody suddenly asks what day it is? Do you sometimes also forget the name of some friend (yeah close ones with whom you aren't in contact with for the past four/six months) and then suddenly remember after two hours when that friend has beaten you till death. BUT you also remember some things which were said a bazillion years back by the SAME person, like a conversation where he was explaining his side of life, the photo of someone you liked, etc? Selective amnesia! So you have e-mail reminders sent to you for the most trivial tasks like classes/gym/cooking? Do you also.. arghh! forget it! I can't remember now.

Do you have a strong feeling that you have sixth sense, but it has only worked six times so far? And you don't even see dead people?

Do you "think" in more than one language?

Do you appreciate PJs because somebody put in some real brain work to create/crack it (mind you, it has to suck real bad)?

Do you start writing something and your digression ends up being longer than the intended post?

Do you like extremes, like Austin Powers, S.A.W, and Incredibles?

Did you ever dream of being a thug, a pilot, a businessman and a movie director, ALL at the same time?

Do you have trouble differenciating between internet and real-life, reel-life and real-life? Do you still think that when you hit a person, it would be accompanied by the "dishum" sound?

Do you quote excerpts from e-mail so that you dont forget to address or reply to all the points of the sender? Damnit! you see, I already covered this point in #3.

Do you like feeding donuts to Orkut servers?

Do you feel suicidal at the mere thought of Google's pages not working?

Do you introduce yourself as the "not-so-dark, not-so-short, not-so-handsome guy next door about whom your mom was afraid to warn you"? And expect not to get kicked?

Do you stop at odd numbers, because you are odd?

If you "happened" to have answered YES to all the above questions, I have at last found you, my alter-ego! Yes, we four had been searching for you right from the day we lost you while browsing the crowded Kumbh-mela.com. We four? Yeah, I, me, myself and Pavan. Please contact any one of us via this post. I shall reach you ASAP.

Me running towards the monitor in slow-motion, shouting: "My alter egoooooo" and I leave it up to you how you want to handle this situation.

Penguin Attacks India

Pavan — Sun, 9 Apr 2006 00:25:37 EDT

The advent of GNU/Linux in Indian tech field is getting more attention. Initially, it was small with organizations like FSF India and restricted to academia. Richard Stallman and others had always encouraged the enthusiasm shown by Indians towards the open source movement. Though we haven't been as active as the Brazilians, Chinese or the Japanese, but we have our own good stories. It is a start, and is heading in the right direction.

It is a well known fact that piracy is a well-known problem in the Indian software market. Many don't buy the original software, but get the cracked versions as the prices of the originals are too high and most softwares can be illegally downloaded from the internet.

But slowly people, especially the millions of young generation who are working in the IT field, are showing more interest not just in using but are also contributing towards the IT boom. And open source movement is excelling in attracting many talented Indians.

Indian companies were till now skeptical and slow in embracing GNU/Linux (academia especially IITs and IIITs were quick enough to tap the growing Linux fever) into their mainstream business. It started with RedHat's strong marketing of the benefits of GNU/Linux over other OS available in the market.

Indian companies saw a two-way benefit: firstly, more stability and security and secondly cheaper costs (TCO, this is pretty controversial but the facts weigh more against Microsoft). Indian tech force never had the dearth of skilled personnel and hence they did not mind paying more to offset the costs of the transition.

We knew about the Linux implementation for UTI Bank's call centers about a year back. They now boast of 99.99 percent uptime. The Linux empire started to grow with companies like IDBI, Canara Bank, New India Assurance, LIC, BSNL, IRCTC, ABN Amro, Airtel and even the governments of Maharashtra and West Bengal using GNU/Linux in their businesses.

Recently, RedHat got a fat contract for LIC (Life Insurance Corporation of India). Quoting Moneycontrol.com:

"LIC will deploy Red Hat Enterprise Linux across its 2,048 branches, 100 divisional offices, seven zonal offices, head office, subsidiary offices and overseas locations."

I see many Debian packages being made by young students learning Linux and it really makes me happy to use them. There is KDE support for Indian languages, there are Linux OS tailor made for Indians, and this is just the beginning. There are Linux User groups (LUGs) all over India like this in Delhi, this in Chennai, this in Mumbai and this. More here.

Maybe India has realized that if we can work on software for others, maybe we can also work on software for ourselves.

The day is not far when this saying would hold good: "The sun never sets in the Penguin empire"

Reminiscing: Ugadi

Pavan — Thu, 30 Mar 2006 00:07:01 EST

Today In My Room

My roomie: "Hey, Pavan! Lets go out and eat"

Me: "Why?" (remembering that I have only $2 left in my bank account, till my next pay check comes in on Friday).

Roomie: "Dude, it's Ugadi today."

Me: "Yeah right, weren't you supposed to cook today?"

Roomie plays "Ghar aaja pardesi tera desh bulaye re" from Raaga.com.

And then, after sitting under the tubelight's glow, starts his discourse in a stentorian voice:

"Partha, don't you feel we are slowly getting alienated from our culture? Don't you feel the bond with our festivals, rituals and practices anymore? Imagine if we act like this today, how would our kids even feel the Indianness or Gulti pride?"

Another friend joins in, saving my ears from bleeding.

My roomie asks him: "Hey, we planned to go out for dinner, wanna join?"

Before I can react, he asks, "What's the occasion, Pavan, are you graduating kya?"

Roomie: "Arey yaar, it's Ugadi today."

Friend: "It's also Thursday."

Roomie: "So?"

Friend: "Yeah, so what if it's Ugadi, are you sponsoring?"

The discussion ends instantly.

Ugadi, a.k.a. Gudi Padwa (for my Marathi friends), is just another day for the many vidyarthees here in the USA, who swam the seven seas seeking higher knowledge (or is it hara pattas?). The only things we might do today (situations vary, conditions apply) are:

If we didn't take bath this week, we might 'take a head bath' (i.e., shower properly);
Call India and wish our parents, uncles, foofa, foofi, bua, nana, etc. till the calling card is depleted;
Cook food if no one has any deadlines; and
Pray to God (because we haven't graduated yet).

The Ugadi Pickle

Turning back the wheels of time, I cherish the good 'ole days when we had holiday on Ugadi. Mom would wake us up early morning to M.S.Subbalakshmi's voice. I would take a bath early (a rare phenomenon then), and wait eagerly for the Ugadi pickle to be served. There were days when I overate the pickle and ended up sitting in the loo.

Anyway, my late grandfather explained the pickle's significance, which, given my half-baked knowledge, translates to this -

The prime ingredients of the prasadam are:

margosa flowers for bitterness;

jaggery for sweetness;

raw mango for bitterness;

tamarind juice for sour taste;

green chillies for hot taste; and

salt for salty taste.

Banana slices and other items are optional. This mixture of all the different kinds of tastes is similar to our lives - a mixture of peaks and nadirs, joy and sorrow, success and failure, and the grey areas. We pray to God to give us the strength to overcome the difficulties and succeed, and are thankful for showering happiness on us.

Origins of Ugadi

The belief goes that Bramha, the creator of the Universe, started creation on this day, which is Chaitra Suddha Padhyami. Hence, it is a "Brand New Day" (also a song by Sting). The great Indian mathematician Bhaskaracharya proclaimed that the day of Ugadi as the beginning of the new Year and a new month.

Symbolically, Ugadi signifies thanking God and celebrating bounteous crops as well as signaling the end of an old era and the beginning of a new period. Prayers for health, wealth and prosperity are made and this time is considered to be auspicious to launch new ventures.

Hmmn, bleakly reminds me of Makara Sankranti. How different are they? The reasons for celebration are different, but the spirit is the same (trrrng wrong! Not Bacardi spirit, the gist of shedding-old-and-starting-new).

Speaking in a westerner's language, this marks the first day of spring (spring forward! Daylight saving begins Sunday). The cold chilly winds of winter are fading, and flowers start to bloom with the onset of Spring. It's also that time when you see shorter clothes, and still shorter clothes. This is like a trailer to the approaching Summer. Ah, the sweaty days!

Offtopic, yet interesting: Yesterday, the astronomy lovers had another reason to celebrate: There was a total solar eclipse in some parts of the world. Hmmn, now what is God trying to tell me? A Solar eclipse before Ugadi could only mean one thing: it's time to graduate.

Happy Ugadi,
Peace.

Footprints:
Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(ln(13e))]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]

Arranged Marriage 101

Pavan — Tue, 28 Mar 2006 00:36:27 EST

Kaun banegi meri patnee? (a sequel to Shaadi dot com)
(background music: Apache Indian's "Arranged Marriage")
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Disclaimer: Please read the following with a sack of salt (preferably iodized). All disclaimers apply. Void where prohibited. May contain traces of peanuts.
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Shaadi dot com was all about my travails in trying to get the attention of the female folk, which reminds me of Robin Williams' song "Rock DJ", where he desperately tries to get the attention of some babes by stripping, initially his clothes, and then stripping his skin and muscles. Eventually he does get noticed!

Well, I can't afford such acts as my university insurance plan has limited coverage, and my grad advisor has high hopes of me, that I will graduate and leaving him soon. I want to live upto them.

All the people I have interacted with here (primarily Gults, i.e., my Telugu friends) have been hinted to by their parents that once they get a job, they should be ready to be sold in the marriage market. Yes, and this isn't just for Gults, even my marathi roomie had a close encounter of a different kind.

He was actually directly approached by a prospective girl in a temple in Hyderabad about any interest in tying the nuptial knot (true true, kasam se). He, like many others here, was not used to (or expecting) such a behaviour (not even in his "wildest" dreams) and hence was admitted to ICU after that shock. He is okay now, but has stopped going to temples.

Now, regarding my case: Brahmins are known to get married late. Late? How late? The median age, from the stats I have studied, came to 27 and the range sometimes even touches the value of 35 (OMG! yes bro, I am serious. It's a bad world).

So, as usual, my hyperactive brain started cooking up fictious marriage interviews. I mash them, and present them in a dramatized fashion. Oh, and would you like to have fries with it?

Preparing for the Interview

I'm at home. Oh my God! My first interview. I was not so tense even for my visa interview at the consulate, and not even for my first job interview. What do I do now?

There appeared a faint light, that grew stronger. Three people emerged into my room - Larry, Sergey and Eric smiling at me. Aha! Goooogle! It got me though my thesis, through my job interviews, my job and now hopefully my marriage too. I ran towards my laptop, and plugged in the search term: Marriage interview questions.

I got some stats from China, about the divorce rate comparison between love and arranged marriages, some matrimonial problem questions women posed at ammas.com, Yahoo's answers to "what is arranged marriage", rants of some blogger about marrying an engineer etc., but no freaking interview questions for me.

Sigh!

I quickly write down some questions I saw for HR interviews on google. I am prepared (sort of). Now, I feel like I have the AK-47 and could go to war.

Scene: Girl's house, I'm looking at the floor and walking. Prospective Father-in-law (refered as PFIL) greets and invites me and my family. He asks me, "How was the trip beta? Is it too hot here? You want cold water aa". I use mime language. After five minutes, he expresses his doubt, "Your son doesn't talk much haan?"

To pacify his fears, I talked. I asked him, "Uncle, uh, where is the rest room?" While making a quick run to the restroom, I catch a glimpse of the girl (the prospective bride).

The situation is out of control. She has a batallion of four women. I am alone. I SOS my parents. No help. They desert me. I chant Hanuman chalisa, get some courage and return to my seat. There are some refreshments on the table by now. After the usual chit-chat between elders, "da moment" comes.

**drums rolling**

She arrives escorted by two girls. My heart stops thumping. I take a minute trying to recognize who the bride is and who the chelaas (chelees?) are. After completing memory comparison from the photo of the girl I recieved, I look for my ammo (my list of questions) in the pocket. It's there. Ah, relief. I feel safe.

PFIL now dons the role of Derek O'Brien, and starts the Bournvita Quiz contest. Two quizmasters - PFIL and PMIL - and one bechara kid - me.

The Rapid fire round: "So, beta where do you work?". I was about to give my University's name (can't blame the 2+ years at grad school), then I realized my mistake and changed my reply. "So what is your designation?" "How much do you earn?" Damn! I forgot to get the file with my SSN card, H-1 papers, pay slips, photos of me and my boss, my apartment, my neighbors etc. Maybe I should have prepared a powerpoint presentation about me and my job etc.

But then I realize that it is understandable on their part to grill me, as they would not want their daughter to be placed in the hands of a sadist (Nana Patekar in Agnipath), or a gay or a berozgaar or a coolie (Govinda in Coolie No. 1).

So, after passing the first stage of filtering (**sound of royal trumpets**), I get some confidence. I broaden my chest, and walk triumphantly to the next stage.

Commercial break: some snacks and fruit juice prepared by the prospective bride herself. Wow! "And here are some Pulla Reddy sweets". I ask, "Could I have to-go please?" (Damn it!)

Next scene: Hum tum, ek kambre mein band ho, aur chaabi kho jaye.

Now, I get a chance to see "her" closely, both physically and mentally. Man, is she beautiful or what? If I had known before that she was in store for me, I would have graduated in 1.5 years flat. Anyway, I smile. She smiles. I look around. She looks around. She looks at my arm. I flex my muscles more. She stares more. I feel proud. I flex more. Then I realise my shirt has caught some dust on the arm. Aargh!

Two minutes gone.

Tik-tik, time is running out fast. I can't use my helplines, nor call Computer mahoday. Bachchan saab, please bachao. Kaun banega iska pati?

I can't remember any one-liner, or any hint to flirt. Weather? Yes, the most trite topic. "So, it's hot here, isn't it?" (I thought of adding "is it summer yet or is it just you", but then I didn't want to be kicked out by her parents or her big brother. So I kept quiet.) "Yeah", she smiled (thinking she could have as well checked weather.com). Me: Man, what a smile. I could do anything to see her smile stay. I could not stand up as my knees were weak. Her long black hair, her swaying earrings refrained me from talking. If I don't do anything now, I might become the President of Antarrashtriya Brahmachari Sangh.

So, I stood up, mustered some courage, and switched on the fan. (bummer)

"So, did you watch the latest Star Wars?" I ask, and she replies, "nah, not interested in such fiction." Awesome, I would marry you. But hey, no. It's just one interest that matched. Learn more about her. "Yeah, me neither, I prefer Govinda comedies, and Varma thrillers. You saw Saw aa? I mean you saw the movie SAW?" She says, "Ewww, that was gross." Me smiling meekly, "yeah true, but the suspense was a..c..t..u..a..l..l..y good."

Reminder to self: No wise-ass remarks (thinking to change topic). Thinking: What should I ask her? Hey can I see your Barbie collection? No. Do you play Ludo? Dumbo! No. Hmmn Do you like thin crust or thick crust pizza? Whaaaaat? I'm thinking: Change the topic. So, I studied at blah blah and .... and I traveled these states... blah blah.. blah blah.... I blurt out the speech I had prepared for my job HR interviews (and also X standard Republic Day function).

Hmmn, she listens. She listened! And seems interested (or was it another Oscar winning performance?). Then the tables turned, and she talks. Though there are some glitches: I ask, "So what are your greatest strenghts?" She replies, "I am black belt in karate, if that helps". Slap! Serves me good. But she does have good sense of humor. Great! Things work out, and we get married. Our pictures are posted at shaadi dot com's success stories of 2008 section. And we live happily ever after... with chunnu, munnu and chutki.

Woooowoo slow down Cowboy, fast-forwarded?.

And then... and then, the morning comes. The sun rises. The alarm goes buzzing. It's 6 am. I wake up to another day at the university. I wake up to reality. That dream I just saw is at least two more years away.

PS: Some true marriage interview questions or marriage experiences I read or heard about:

A guy went to look for a marriage proposition recently. That girl was a BTech in Computer Science and was looking for a job. The guy wanted a working woman as his wife. He wasn't sure if she would eventually get a job. So in order to test her calibre, he asked her to write a C program during their first meeting. I was speechless on reading this.

A couple got married and the husband brought his wife to US. On arriving at the New York airport, she got faraaar with her boyfriend (Runaway bahu), who was waiting in DDLJ stlye for his Senorita. The husband was heart broken. Understandable. But her parents accuse the boy that he is responsible! He got a bad name. And now runs faster than P.T. Usha when he hears the word "marriage".

Due to lack of much information on the internet on this "top-secret" ritual (that happens behind closed doors, and the word never comes out), I present some tips here given by top leaders in this field (who boast of at least a dozen such interviews, and from many corners of the world. They have lost acres of hair and are now veterans in this field). I've copied them here blatantly (with my special masala tippani):

First, make the girl very comfortable. Don't start shooting questions at once. Break the ice (no, not the cubes from the juice you idiot). Crack some "okay jokes". Pjs also okay. Maybe some embarassing moments so that it would ease the tension. Listen to her. Give her some opportunity to talk.

Ask her if she's ready for the marriage or if it is an Amrish-Puri-forcing-Kajol-style-zabardasti marriage. Check the house, if it has any sarso-ka-kheth or guitars around, then have Mandira Bedi as a backup. Flirt with as many females as possible in that house. Who knows? (Exaggerated, reader discretion advised).

Then make her talk. Try to know more about her preferences and stuff. In the course of talking, you let her know your preferences in a subtle way. Make a chart, or try match-the-following like you did in your VI class.

If you strike a common chord, done. A new life awaits you. If not, then you are done. You have one more feather to add to your interviewing-skills cap. Add this to your resume and show it to your boss. Ask for pay raise.

Don't forget to eat the snacks provided. It's a trailer to what you might eat for the rest of your life (provided what the PMIL said is true: "yeh meri beti ne khudh apne haathon se banaye hain". Or actually "khudh apne haathon se Shop se lekar ayee").

Pray to Lord Hanuman. As he was pivotal in uniting Ram and Sita, he might also help you in a similar way (please don't burn down the house of the PFIL, it's dangerous).

Don't ask about her previous life. Neither is she interested in your previous life (I mean before marriage, not the reincarnation stuff aha). You aren't buying stuff on e-bay. You are about to start a new life together. So keep your Sherlock-Holmes skills aside. And got this tip straight from the horse's mouth through a li'l birdie, that some guys do ask if the prospective bride is a virgin. What can I say? Read point #7 again. Suggested reading: desicritics essay by Amrita.

Preferably talk in the common/native language (or mother toungue) or a language that both are comfortable in. Avoid English (you took the TOEFL long back), unless both are ABCDs or nomads wandering the whole of India with no good grip over any Indian bhasha (like me). It helps better to see through each other's ego this way.

Ask: "where do you see yourself four years from now" or something like that (bad idea? rephrase the query or better skip this) to know about future plans - like job, further studies etc.

You are making a new friend (or foe), so don't be too obvious that you are assesing the other person (even though subconsciously that might the case). Don't take notes and don't lift the scorecard with 8 or 4 written on it.

Always stop at 11 questions or 11 points. It is a very lucky number.

These were suggested by some people, and I present these tips on an 'as-is-where-is' basis with some dramatization. I would welcome any experiences, tips, suggestions or views from both XX and XY chromosomes. I am a newbie, so I am open to correction.

Fin.

Footprints

Bash.org quote:

I feel like my life is a movie. But it's being shown on TV. At primetime. So all the sex scenes are cut.