Desicritics Author: Mayuri Sharrma

Movie Review: Karzzzz

Mayuri Sharrma — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 09:13:18 EDT

First a list of characters

Monty, Himesh Reshammiya. Size zero, with a poodle on his head, and a face that still looks like his neck threw up. On the positive side, he has graduated from having a single expression on his face. In this, his second film, he looks like he is in varying degrees of abject pain.

Princess Kamini, Urmila Matondkar. Who redefines what bad acting is all about, with strange facial expressions, an impossible to decipher accent and jerky marionette movements. Apart from terrible skin, bad make up and bits of flab seeking escape from the reaches of control hose.

Tina, new find Shweta Kumar. Good, for her debut film. But she looks like Indra Kumar (her father) dressed in drag, the resemblance is so striking!

Kabeera, Danny Denzongpa. Completely wasted in an inane role.

Sir Juda, Gulshan Grover. In a, guffaw and you miss him-and-his-strange-steel-arm, appearance.

Ravi Verma, Dino Morea. Droolicious! Wish he had been given a longer role!

Audience, Me. Lock away her money, transport, glasses and computer so she cannot watch these films AND then have the nerve to write their reviews!

A remake of Subhash Ghai’s ‘Karz’, this film follows the same story, with a twist (which I won’t give away, the kind soul that I am)

So we have ‘Rockstar Monty’ who in spite of the way he looks, sounds and dresses is, but naturally, the heartthrob of the entire female population of Cape Town and has girls of all races, colors and sizes swooning over him, and his Hindi songs. His father cum business manager, Raj Babbar playing an OTT Sardar, exploits Monty's talent to make money but humiliates Monty for free.

While on stage one day, Monty suffers from a hallucination and passes out (yay!) only to (sadly) recover and realize that a particular tune triggers it off. A psychiatrist advises Monty to take a vacation and off he goes to Kenya, to recover and woo a girl his beady eyes spotted at a party.

In the midst of wooing Tina in Kenya, places, people and buildings seem familiar to Monty and his hallucinations increase, confusing him further. Till he meets Princess Kamini, of the love handles and preference for metallic hued clothing fame and the fog in his brain finally clears and he realizes who he is.

When begins a game to trap Princess Kamini into revealing the whereabouts of Ravi Verma’s surviving mother and sister and how she, Kamini, murdered Ravi Verma.

How he gets her to admit is where the ‘twist’ in this movie lies.

If you’ve seen the original ‘Karz’ you are sure to find a thousand flaws in this movie. If you haven’t seen it, you will still find a thousand flaws in it.

The biggest flaw being, the casting of Himesh Reshammiya playing a 25 year old ‘Rockstar’ as he neither looks the part , nor acts it. Newcomer Shweta who is cast opposite him could pass off as his daughter, the pair is that mismatched, there fore no surprises about the zero chemistry between them!

Urmila performs like she is doing the world a favor by acting in this movie. This could go down as her worst performance ever.

Senior artistes like Danny Denzongpa, Asrani, Rohini Hattangady and Gulshan Grover are completely wasted, with caricature like roles and equally funny performances.

The direction (Satish Kaushik) is average and the songs have no impact. The two good things about the film are the fresh locales of South Africa that could have been exploited better by an able cinematographer, and the overall slick packaging of this film.

I wish Himesh would stop acting and concentrate only on his music. But I read that he is going to horrify people even further by appearing shirtless, with a six-pack, in his next movie. Bachaooooo!!

Book Review: Sea of Poppies

Mayuri Sharrma — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 01:02:15 EDT

When I started reading the initial pages, of the first in Amitav Ghosh’s trilogy of novels ‘Sea of Poppies’, I wondered if it might have been written while on an opium high. As the multitude of characters speaking complicated dialects confused me enough to frequently return to read pages already read and then pause to absorb and make sense of all that I had read, and re-read, so far.

Acute exasperation almost caused me to give up reading this 512 page, hardback tome, but Amitav Ghosh’s polished writing slowly and surely enticed me into familiarizing myself with the characters who would board the ship Ibis, all for very different reasons of their own.

Painstaking research, which Ghosh has expertly used, helps form an impressive, informative and rich in detail base for the first of the trilogy. His fine writing has done justice to each of the characters, of which there is a diverse abundance of. And before you realize it you have picked out your favorites and are eager to know more about them and how they would face circumstances that come their way. With ‘Sea of Poppies’, Amitav Ghosh also reveals a new facet of his writing, with chuckle-worthy humor subtly woven in the most unexpected of situations. The book is also liberally sprinkled with enlightening cuss-words, some of which are ridiculously amusing.

With ‘Sea of Poppies’ Amitav Ghosh takes you on a journey that you will be glad to be part of, once you are patient enough to embark on it.

Book Review: Three Cups of Tea

Mayuri Sharrma — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 10:31:05 EDT

‘Here we drink three cups of tea to do business: the first you are a stranger, the second you become a friend, and the third you join our family, and for our family we are prepared to do anything – even die.’ Haji Ali, Korphe Village Chief, Karakoram Mountains, Pakistan.

In the year 1993, Greg Mortensen an avid mountaineer, attempted to climb the mountain K2, with disastrous results. Disappointed and dehydrated he followed his porter to the nearest village of Karakoram in Baltistan, Pakistan to rest and recuperate.

Endless cups of rancid smelling Paiyu Cha, the butter tea that forms the basis of the Balti diet and a healthy dose of the inhabitants of Baltistan’s kindness later, Mortensen recovered enough of his strength and spirit to return to the USA. But not before he promised to return and build a school for the education-deprived children of Karakoram.

Return he did, to build not just one but 55 schools spread all over the dangerous and forbidden terrain of Pakistan, in villages so remote that some didn’t even have a dirt road connecting them to the next, making the delivery of supplies for building the school an arduous task.

But Mortensen’s selfless mission to ‘Promote peace, once school at a time’ was so intense that he found roads, where there were none, literally and metaphorically and braved everything from dishonesty and the lack of money to a kidnapping and a fatwa, to keep his promise to the children of Pakistan.

Reading ‘Three Cups of Tea’ was a strangely humbling experience. Greg Mortensen’s story managed to raise my awareness, about how important a small thing like a pencil could be for some people, and via it, my thankfulness towards my own life, which has a million things I stop appreciating and take for granted.

David Oliver Relin, who has co – authored this book along with Mortensen, is a graduate of Vassar and was awarded the prestigious Teaching/Writing Fellowship at the Iowa Writer’s Workshop. Over the years he has won dozens of national awards for his work as both an editor and investigative reporter.

Which is why, at times the insipid narration of the book surprised me. I wish ‘Three Cups of Tea’ would have been written and edited better because I did feel like it dragged needlessly in certain places. A more gifted and prolific writer could have helped bring forth the passion of Mortensen’s inexhaustible spirit and compassion even better. Nonetheless, Mortensen’s inspiring chain of achievements and the geographical and cultural insights into parts of Pakistan and Afghanistan I had never heard about, were enough to spur me on to continue reading page after page.

Greg’s work is commendable. Like mountaineer Charlie Shimanski predicted in the book, I wouldn’t be surprised either to see Mortensen get a noble prize sometime soon.

To learn more about Greg Mortensen and Central Asia Institute, the foundation he is the Director of, visit this LINK

Movie Review: Drona

Mayuri Sharrma — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 14:47:39 EDT

Spoiler Alert!

Aditya (Abhishek Bachchan) lives in Prague with a rowdy, horrendously dressed aunt (Navneet Nishan in a fleeting appearance) who gains great pleasure in treating him badly and referring to him as a 'free servant' The only thing Aditya can talk to is a bi-lingual blue rose petal that wafts in at will. It's supposed to be a fantasy film so...

What poor overweight and unkempt Aditya really needs is a hot bath, a shave and haircut, but along comes Sonia (Priyanka Chopra) dressed way too outlandishly for a body guard. Though, with Rapunzel tresses, flowing, whimsical outfits of chiffon and brocade, a wonder bra-enhanced cleavage, way too much eye-make up and a strange bandanna it's she who is more likely to need a bodyguard. It's supposed to be a fantasy film so...

So, Sonia comes zipping in a yellow beemer, whips out 2 tiny daggers and slays the 6 beefy men who have attacked Aditya with a poisoned dart via a pea shooter, no less.

Aditya comes to in a darkened room that has multiple ugh-shots, sorry, mug-shots of him plastered all over, while the bodyguard has morphed into an item girl and is mutinously writhing and dancing in skimpy clothing to the only song of the film 'Oopja' in a garage above the darkened room. It's supposed to be a fantasy film so...

Item number over, a staircase lowers Sonia, who is thankfully back in the bodyguard groove and costume, into the darkened room to explain to Aditya that he is no ordinary mortal but Drona. When he doesn't get it (I wonder if excess fat can clog the brain, along with the arteries too?) there is another lengthy explanation about Amrit (the elixir of life) being guarded from the Asur's (demons/evil men) who have been chasing it for centuries, so that they could drink it and gain immortality to rein havoc on the world. And Drona and his descendants are the one who guard it. It's supposed to be a fantasy film so...

The Asur in question here is Riz Raizada (K K) a man with eye-sore inducing dressing sense who is a magician and thirsting for the Amrit.

Aditya snaps on a kitschy bracelet, realizes his power and demonstrates it by uprooting a huge iron gate and almost transforms into Drona, minus the gold sequined outfit. To get which he has to travel to Rajasthan after Sonia informs him he is actually a prince and has a real mother who is waiting for him.

An emotionless Aditya is reunited with his equally blank mother (Jaya Bachchan) and they barely exchange a couple of dialogue sheets before Riz Raizada transforms the mother to stone. It's supposed to be a fantasy film so...

To revive his mother Drona has to hand over the Amrit to Riz, which he decides to, after donning the badly tailored ivory and gold sequined outfit, engraved sword, kohl lined eyes and a botched up hair straightening job. And we watch a hammy Riz and a disinterested looking Drona fighting though tacky special-effects, clumsy airborne fight sequences and blackhead and pore enhancing close ups till good wins over bad and Drona slays Riz. *Y.A.W.N*

Abhishek was the wrong choice for a super hero. He looks sloppy, overweight and disinterested as he sleepwalks through a role that could have been a turning point in his career. Add to that is the P.A.T.H.E.T.I.C direction by Goldie Behl, where no shot has any impact.

The casting of KK as Riz Raizada has managed to erase all his previous brilliant performances so far, for me. He comes across as more of a comedian, and a really bad one at that, than a villain. Priyanka is okay and was obviously cast as eye-candy.

The story is novel, for a Hindi film, and had tremendous potential which could have been transformed into a super film under the guidance of a capable director and the casting of a more talented male lead

Drona is supposed to be a fantasy-film, but was nothing short of a nightmare!

Movie Review: Jaane Tu... Ya Jaane Na

Mayuri Sharrma — Sat, 5 Jul 2008 13:45:43 EDT

For a while now, we’ve been scoffing at ‘Pappu’ because he can’t dance, saala. We’ve also sung along, soothing her by explaining ‘Kabhi kabhi zindagi mein Aditi…’ We finally get to see Aditi and her gang on screen in Jaane Tu...Ya Jaane Na, produced by Aamir Khan Productions.

Aditi a.k.a Meaow and Jai a.k.a Rats (Imran Khan) are best buddies. It’s plain for everyone around them to see that they are much more than just that and are made for each other. Everyone, except they themselves. When it is pointed out by friends and their respective parents, they laugh it off because Aditi dreams of marrying a ‘stud’, someone who is tough and aggressive, completely unlike how Jai is. And Jai dreams of marrying a soft romantic girl, completely unlike what Aditi is.

After making up their minds that they don’t wish to marry each other, they promise to set each other up with their desired mates. As they are pointing out various prospective suitors to each other at a disco, Jai spots a girl and it is love at first sight for him. Watching him falling in love with Meghna (Manjari Fadnis) releases dormant feelings that Aditi was so far unaware of. She goes ahead and gets engaged. Its only when they see each other with their partners do they realize that they actually feel far more than friendship for the other.

Imran Khan is a find! He rocks, and how! He rightfully fills the young, chocolate-boy slot that has been laying vacant for a while now. A natural in front of the camera, the fleeting scenes where his inexperience shows fit beautifully into the script and his character. He is confident; immensely talented and it was such a relief to see a fresh faced, normal and causally clothed hero who is such a change from the ripped bodies, chiseled faces, perfectly teased and moussed locks and designer - clothed debutant heroes we’ve had so far.

Genelia is pretty, sparkling, very spontaneous and livens up each shot. Just wished she had polished her Hindi and diction, though.

It was a pleasant surprise to see Jayant Kriplani and Anuradha Patel, on screen after so long, playing Aditi’s parents.

Ratna Pathak Shah playing Jai’s widowed Mum is a sheer delight and Naseeruddin Shah playing Jai’s dead father (tacked to the wall, in photo frame no less!) makes you guffaw with his clever lines.

The fresh faced youngsters who play Jai and Aditi’s friends are an immensely cute bunch, with a special mention to ‘Jiggy’.

Very interesting cameos by Pratiek Babbar (Smita Patil and Raj Babbar’s son) who though slightly awkward, has a laced with wit part, making you smile each time he comes on screen.

Sohail Khan and Arbaaz Khan’s amusing sudden appearances make you guffaw and wish they stayed on for a wee bit longer.

For a debut directorial effort, Abbas Tyrewala has done a good job. And he has the potential to improve with each future project.

The plot is nothing new and liberally dotted with clichés. What makes this film work is the brilliant casting, well-etched characters, controlled and effortless performances, believable and identifiable circumstances and the screenplay that keeps coming up with something surprising each time you think you interest might wane. With immensely hum able music (A R Rehman) and catchy lyrics (Abbas Tyrewala) adding to its charm.

My Rating ****

My very own Rating Chart.

* I want my money back + a fully booked and paid 3 month trip to _________(please fill in a destination of choice)

** I don’t want my money back even though I didn’t like the movie, but director/producer may please pay for my popcorn/samosa/parking.

*** Time and money both well spent!

**** Loved it!

***** Whistle, clap, even smile at irritating neighbor-who-kept-talking-on-cell phone, queue up to buy tickets again and extol virtues of the movie.

Book Review: The 3 Mistakes of My Life by Chetan Bhagat

Mayuri Sharrma — Mon, 26 May 2008 11:23:30 EDT

With his debut book, ‘Five Point someone’, he enlightened us that there is a lot more besides swotting going on in an IIT students life. By reading his second narrative, ‘One Night @ the call centre’ we realized that complaining customers aren’t the only ones who call in. And Chetan Bhagat’s third and latest book titled ‘The 3 Mistakes of My Life’ revolves around politics, business, cricket and religion

This is apparently a true story. A suicide note in his email box disturbed the author so much that he traced the recipient of the email and flew down to Ahmedabad all the way from Singapore to meet him. Govind Patel was the writer of the email and this is his story.

Govind is a brilliant math tutor, helping his mother in her small time snack business after his father walked out on them. Ishan, once an awesome aspiring cricketer, ran away from the NDA because he realized he didn’t like taking orders from anyone, disappointing his parents in the process. Omi is the son of a priest and doesn’t want to end up becoming one himself. The three main protagonists are best friends living in an old ‘pol’ (colony) of Ahmedabad.

An ambitious Govind decides that the only way they can get their families and other people to respect them is by starting their own business. After much cajoling, Ishan reluctantly agrees and, afraid to disagree against the majority, Omi joins in. Together, they rent out a shop owned by Omi’s Uncle, Mama, in Omi’s family temple complex and open a sports shop. Govind further convinces Ishan to offer cricket coaching to kids who buy sports goods from them. Thanks to his shrewd business acumen, the shop starts registering profits almost instantly.

As the profits grow, so do Govind’s ambitious plans. He once again persuades his friends and the three pool in their profits to rent a store in a mall coming up in a posh area of Ahmedabad. But before they can move in, the Bhuj Earthquake of 2001 crushes the mall, their future plans and most of all their dreams. And they are back to the humble shop in the temple complex.

Meanwhile, Omi’s uncle, Mama, asks them to join his political party as party workers. Because they are renting his shop, and because they would need to continue renting it for some more time, they decide to attend a political rally just one time to appease Mama.

Along the way, Govind is asked to tutor Ishan’s firecracker of a sister, Vidya, and unknown to everyone around they both get really close, causing Govind to commit his first mistake. Ishan discovers an exceptionally talented child, Ali, and dreams of grooming him to play for the Indian Cricket team, a latent personal dream that he could never fulfill. Thanks to Mama’s constant intrusion and influence Omi starts getting more and more involved in politics and religion.

There is a trip to Goa as well as Australia to get Ali to meet and get coached by the best. Religious politics and the Godhra Riots are further added to this broth to turn the world of the 3 friends upside down, and causing Govind to make two more of his mistakes.

Reading Chetan Bhagat’s books always give me the feeling that I am reading someone’s personal journal with his simple language and appealing narration being his USP.

This book is missing both.

The story seems forced: the language is pedestrian and certain situations unbelievable. Because of which, inspite of so many adversities happening to and around them, and you don’t feel for the characters at all.

Cricket, politics and religion, are topics with the most emotional and explosive potential and Bhagat hasn’t used them as he could possibly have. In spite of situations like natural calamities, love, despair etc, no passion comes through. This book made for an insipid read, akin to reading an electronics manual.

And what disappoints even further is that this is Bhagat's third book with two bestsellers preceding it! Third time certainly isn’t the charm for Chetan Bhagat.

Rating **

My very own rating chart;

Use it as a doorstop.
**Read it if you have nothing better to do.
***You will like it if you like this particular genre of writing.
****Must read!
*****What! You haven’t read it YET !

Book Review: Unaccustomed Earth by Jhumpa Lahiri

Mayuri Sharrma — Wed, 21 May 2008 02:54:20 EDT

After winning critical acclaim, loyal readership and multiple honors for her debut book of short stories ‘Interpreter of Maladies’ and her first novel ‘The Namesake’, Jhumpa Lahiri unfurls her third book, titled ‘Unaccustomed Earth.’

Unaccustomed Earth is a book of short stories that traverse the globe, taking us from Cambridge and Seattle to India and Thailand. The stories are centered around relationships. The relationship of an uprooted immigrant with his alien land. The taut link between traditional parents and their second-generation confused immigrant children. Fractured relationships that cause heartbreak to invariably follow love. Loveless marriages and detached bonds. All described in Lahiri’s exquisite prose that introduces you to the lives of the people who soon become a part of yours.

The book is divided into two parts. The first part consists of 5 short stories starting with the opening story also titled ‘Unaccustomed Earth’ which is about a daughter and her recently widowed father who are awkward around each other without the common thread, the mother and wife, that connected them. They are both surprised by the changes in the other and even more so by the secret that is gently revealed as the story progresses.

‘Hell-Heaven’ is about discovering love and heart break after marriage.

‘A Choice of Accommodations’ is a rather vague story about a couple, who attend a friend's wedding and reminisce about their own past there.

‘Only Goodness’ is about a brother and sister who grow up together and then grow apart with their parents as silent witnesses on the sidelines always.

‘Nobody’s business’ tells you about the different shades of love and the discoveries and heartbreak that follow, through the life of the protagonist called Sang.

Part two, is titled Hema and Kaushik and illustrates the span of their lives through a trio of linked stories. From when they meet as malleable children in their home environment of Massachusetts to when they meet again as inflexible adults on a neutral and transitory land of Rome.

I imagine that it would have been difficult, almost impossible even, to top ‘The Namesake’, but with her latest book, Lahiri has managed to do so. Tinged with an emotional astuteness and maturity that surprises you, this has to be her best work so far. Each story is like a novelette in itself, rich with detail and emotions that linger in your thoughts long after you’re done reading, making you realize that Jhumpa Lahiri does not write stories, she crafts them.

333 Pages. Hardcover. Rating ****

My very own rating chart:
*Use it as a doorstop.
**Read when you have nothing better to do.
***You will like it if you like this particular genre of writing.
****Must read!
*****What! You haven’t read it YET !

Book Review: A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini

Mayuri Sharrma — Thu, 5 Jul 2007 09:48:51 EDT

Four years after debuting with his stupendous best-seller, The Kite Runner, Khaled Hosseini unfurls his latest; a story once again set in Afghanistan and beautifully titled A Thousand Splendid Suns.

A Thousand Splendid Suns begins with 15 year old, illegitimate Mariam, who lives with her bitter, vitriolic – tongued mother on the outskirts of the village Herat. Mariam’s only consolations for her desolate life are the weekly visits by her much-married father. Visits that are more guilt-ridden chores, than those spurred by fatherly love. Visits, which fill Mariam’s mother with resentment, at the budding proximity and love between father and daughter, and Mariam with hope of a better, more respectable, future.

Her mother’s unexpected suicide renders Mariam homeless, and hopeless. On a suggestion by one of his wives, her father marries her off to sly, and troubled by his own past, Rasheed, a widower 30 years her senior, and Mariam moves to Kabul with him. Like everything else in her life her womb too lets her down, with one miscarriage following the other and causing Rasheed, who hungers for a son, to infuse this odd marriage with abuse, both mental and physical.

Two decades later, in the war-torn climate of Kabul, 15 year old Laila is blossoming in the first flush of young love when sudden tragedy strikes, forcing her to become part of her neighbors, Mariam and Rasheeds, miserable household. Desperate circumstances call for desperate measures and Laila agrees to the marriage proposal put forward by, the now nearing 70 years old, Rasheed immediately. Much to Mariam’s chagrin.

As Afghanistan is passed off from one brutal international exploitation to the other, from the mistreatment of Soviet occupation to the persistent violence of the Mujahidin and finally to the religious subjugations of the Taliban, the lives of the women Mariam and Laila are passed off from similar never-ending tortures and life seems like an endless struggle against starvation, cruelty, fear and of being trapped in marriage to the same abusive man.
And when circumstances seem impossibly bleak, a light at the end of the tunnel appears in the form of love. A love that instills in the women a new strength, and the will to hope for a new future. And it is this love, and hope, that helps them overcome every impossibly overwhelming obstacle with courage that even they were unacquainted with.

The beautiful title of the book comes from the lines of a poem composed about Kabul by Saeb-e-Tabrizi, a seventeenth-century Persian poet;

One could not count the moons that shimmer on her roofs,
Or the thousand splendid suns that hide behind her walls.

Relationships and emotions are Khaled Hosseini’s forte and these are the dominant themes of A Thousand Splendid Suns.

Through his characters, Hosseini explores the fragility and the tenacity of relationships. Of relationships in every form. He illustrates the hope of the success and the dread of failure, which each relationship comes wrapped in. He skillfully exemplifies emotions ruling lives, and emotions ruining it.

Khaled Hosseini’s simple, serene and subtle writing brings to life his much-loved Afghanistan and the reader witnesses the escalating crumbling of the country through his words. His words even momentarily bring alive the famed Bamiyan Buddhas which were destroyed by the Taliban, now lost forever.

A Thousand Splendid Suns is about love, hope and the unexpected discovery of inner strength. And above all it is the touching tale of a beautiful bond between two women who, though unrelated by blood, are intimately related by circumstances.

My very own Star Rating ***

********************************************

My very own rating chart;

*Use it as doorstop
**Read when you have nothing better to do
***You will like it if you like this particular genre of writing.
****Must read!
*****What! You haven’t read it YET !

Movie Review : Aap Kaa Surroor - The Real Love Story

Mayuri Sharrma — Mon, 2 Jul 2007 08:51:21 EDT

In Aap Ka Surroor, HR (Himesh Reshammiya, pigmented and bumpy-lipped, with exactly one expression throughout) is a world-class singer, an 'Indian Rock star' who is on a concert-tour in Heidelberg, Germany.

In between warding off wildly-crazed fans, and singing at 'sold-out' concerts, the want of tickets of which are causing bloodshed all around, HR comes across his event-manager Riaa ( Hansika Motwani, pudgy and pasty-faced) in the most ridiculous boy-meets-girl scene ever filmed in the history of cinema. It is love at first sight for the 'Rockstar' and event manager over the Gayatri-mantra, that you are later enlightened is Riaa's ring tone. Punctuated by a badly-picturized song or two, their love story moves forward at express speed.

Meanwhile, HR also comes across Germany's top lawyer Ruby James (Mallika Sherawat. Smokin' Hot!) who also falls head-over-heels on sight, and cant seem to keep her eyes and hands off love-magnet Reshammiyya. But humble and loyal HR, of the single-expression fame, rebuffs her, proclaiming true love only for perfectly-manicured- with-inch-long nails, Riaa, who, interestingly, never seems to be managing any event ever.

To add a twist to the story, HR is suddenly accused of murdering a TV reporter. The reporter, a German, who has, hold-your-breath, strange and red-haired Raj Babbar for a father, was apparently planning a sting-operation on HR when she was brutally raped and murdered, by him.

"It's a mistake!" screams HR dramatically as the German police arrest him from between a throng of fans wildly clutching at him, just after one of the many sold-out concerts.

After that you have HR on a whodunit spree, as he has to find the real killer to convince Riaa's father that he isn't one.

My curiosity levels could put a few thousand cats to shame, and that was the reason I booked my usual first-day, last-show tickets to this 2 and a half hour exercise in self-love, by megalomaniac Reshammiyya. I admit though, to having more than a few uproarious laughs as I watched the one-expression wonder, clad in jackets and cap throughout the movie, trying his bestest to strut his stuff.

The entire movie has people singing paeans of praise; about how 'humble' the great 'Rock star' is, in spite of being such a craze all over the world. Of how 'cultured' (read : does not smoke, drink or flirt) he is in spite of, you guessed it, being a craze among women all over the world. Then you have Himesh blushing, laughing (look away please, not a pretty sight,) singing 'Dard-e-dil' totally off-key, doing a Mithun Chakraborty pelvic thrusting impersonation (keep children away) and what not, with one-expression throughout. We are also enlightened about why he never smiles, though the much-hyped revelation, of Reshammiyya without the cap being revealed in the end is a crinkle-your-eyes-in-laughter-and-you-miss-it scene.

The music, though immensely hummable when you hear it, is marred by badly picturised songs. I quite liked the sound of 'Aasalaam' 'Tera mera milna' before I saw them being murdered on screen by a cleavage-popping image of Himesh. The much-hyped 'Mehbooba' number with Mallika Sherawat abruptly appears at the end of the movie, without any explanation, and ends the same way.

The only two plus points of this movie are the gorgeous locations of Heidelberg, though really badly shot and not exploited at all, which are such a welcome refreshing change from done-to-death London in every second movie these days. And the stylish outfits, especially those worn by Hansika, which are very elegantly done.

Sadly Himesh has neither the looks nor the talent to be a 'Hero'. And more sadly, neither does he have any honest loyal people around him to tell him that.

Hansika Motwani, who was a child-star not so very long ago, needs a couple of years, a couple of thousand exercise sessions and a few acting classes before she thinks of signing another movie. (And if she is really 15 years old, then I am a foetus!)

Mallika Sherawat is the only eye-candy worth ogling at, though it looks ridiculously unbelievable to have such a Drop-Dead-Gorgeous woman lusting after Himeshbhai and him giving her the cold shoulder.

Prashant Chadda, the director of this monstrosity, who also directs and conceives all of Himesh's music videos, needs to stick to music-videos.

As for me, I need to start wearing caps. Really low. Low enough to obscure my vision. So that I cant watch idiotic films anymore.

Movie Review: Jhoom Barabar Jhoom

Mayuri Sharrma — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 10:59:27 EDT

Crude boy (Abhishek Bachchan) meets Confused girl (Priety Zinta, looking really haggard) at Waterloo Station in London. Both are there to pick up their respective fiancées who are to arrive on the train from Birmingham. The train delayed by an hour forces Crude Boy and Confused Girl to get talking, and how. Audience (Me) hopes some story will emerge soon.

Boy and Girl begin spinning yarns, even as they find themselves being attracted to each other. Their other halfs, French Miss (Lara Dutta) and Goldilocks (Bobby Deol) are introduced by now. The audience is as confused as the Director of the film (Shaad Ali). A couple of garish, over the top, dance sequences with more than 50 extras are thrown in. The audience is still waiting for a story.

More songs with more extras and more tasteless costumes and dance movements are thrown in. And yes, an idiotically-dressed Mr Amitabh Bachchan also makes random singing-appearances throughout the movie. Audience filing nails while still, optimistically, waiting for story.

The second half of the movie follows the same pattern as the first. An attempt to add a story is made by the scriptwriter but it seems like he abandons it midway. To compensate for the lack of story, you guessed it, more song and dance. By now, Audience thinks of painting toe-nails.

The film thankfully finally crawls towards an end, with the longest, most kitschy song sequence ever. And just when you breathe a sigh of relief that the movie is about to end, Mr Amitabh Bachchan pops up once again to give you, a scare, and a ridiculous explanation of the whole two miserable hours that you spent watching the movie. Audience wows to self-flagellate as penance.

It is difficult to believe that Shaad Ali, who wrote and directed immensely likeable films like Saathiya and Bunty Aur Babli could have made THIS movie. Abhishek Bachchan and Preity Zinta give their most insipid performances ever. The costumes by Aki Narula are tasteless (Thank you Mr Narula, for having succeeded in making an iconic superstar like Mr Amitabh Bachchan look like nobody else has: A Fool) The sets are kitschy and the story zilch. Surprisingly, even the songs that sound so good on FM and the Tele Promos are hideously loud and badly shot. The cast of The Kumars at No 42, Meera Syal, Sanjeev Bhaskar, Indira Joshi make fleeting pass-the-popcorn-and-you-miss-them appearances. Tasteless jokes made about Lady Diana and her death and India and Pakistan make one dislike this film even more.

The few good things about this movie are; Lara Dutta who not only looks ravishing, but acts superbly well in all the different parts she has been given *revelaing which will reveal the story* A special mention to theatre actor Piyush Mishra as Haneef Bhai who does a great job and leaves his mark in the few scenes that he has. Bobby Deol, though looking completely zapped out of his mind and ridiculous with those golden curls, is surprisingly good too. The Audience is still in shock.

Rating: *

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*Rating Chart

* I want my money back + a fully booked and paid 3 month trip to _________(please fill in a destination of your choice)

** I don’t want my money back even though I didn’t like the movie, but director/producer may please pay for my popcorn/cola/samosa/parking.

*** Time and money both well spent!

**** Loved it!

***** Whistle, clap, even smile at irritating neighbor-who-kept-talking-on-cell phone, queue up to buy tickets again and extol virtues of the movie.