Desicritics Author: Kaveetaa Kaul

Sati, Suicide, Murder, Rose - What Is In A Name?

Kaveetaa Kaul — Fri, 28 Apr 2006 11:20:11 EDT

India, the land of mystics and mysticism, snakes and snake charmers, elephants and mahouts, Maharishis and Maharajas.

While all of the above fail to make news any more and are nearly as extinct as the soon to be 'black buck' of Salman Khan fame--what lives on is Sati- a ritual where the widow immolates herself on the funeral pyre of her husband.

A recent incident invited attention to this dehumanizing practice which Raja Ram Mohan Roy and Lord William Bentick had abolished almost 175 years back, or so it appeared.

It is evidently alive and well in rural India. There are almost 250 temples in the country with a continuous flow of devotees. The most high profile and hyped self-immolation was that of Roop Kanwar, all of 19, who died on the pyre of her 75 year old husband. There have been scores which have gone unreported, for every one with its story in print.

History bears evidence that this practice was adopted to save the widows from being captured alive by attacking forces, of the neighbouring countries. What has remained under wraps however is whether the act itself was intentional or one of coercion/compulsion due to various extraneous factors.

There have been rampant incidents of aspersions cast on the dishonorable intentions of relatives who, in their avarice and greed for the wealth/property of the deceased would rather have the widow 'out of' the fight for inheritance. Therefore, cloaked in fanfare and ritualistic 'tamasha' the innocent and helpless wife found herself burnt alive, and a temple built, as a mute evidence of the most heinous of crimes. A 'halloed honor' under garb of murder most foul.

"Sati-Mata", right! So long as she graces the temple as a stone idol!

The Sati(Prevention) Act of 1987, minus teeth, was unsuccessful in curbing the practice. What is heartening is the news reported by The Times Of India that a bill to the effect of putting the onus on preventing sati on the family and village, is under way. A bill incorporating new clauses will be introduced soon in the Parliament where "it will be presumed that the sati was attempted under duress and that the immediate family was in a position to stop her but did not." A progressive piece of legislation where the proposed law makes no distinction between 'passive observers and abettors'.

The widow, will thus be protected by law from being coerced to end her life if destiny has decided to end her husbands. Fair enough. Would that however spell financial relief, social acceptance, and familial respect? NO. A society which has been anaesthetized into accepting an age old practice as mere spectators has also in the process convinced itself of its validity and relevance. Judicial intervention is not going to be welcomed with alacrity.

"How could we have stopped her from committing suicide?" In all probability this will be the resigned response from relatives of another widow, from that community when news of her death surfaces. Out with Sati-- in with Suicide. What is in a name the bard asked?

Consider for the sake of hypothesis, that the widow does genuinely care enough for her deceased husband. Why would she agree to extinguish her life over that? This itself is a reflection of the bindings and social stigma at work in rural India.

So India is a land of diversities. What is new about that? Here is another reason 'To Die for', the latest report of a Dowry death.

I love India. Which other country can boast of such ingenuous methods and reasons for murder?

'Wrong' De Basanti

Kaveetaa Kaul — Thu, 23 Mar 2006 07:10:23 EST

The latest issue of Society (March 2006), a magazine from the Magna stable of publications, which includes among others Stardust, Savvy, and Health and Nutrition, featured a story titled "Brave Heart" on Kavita Gadgil.

Who is Kavita Gadgil?

Unfair Question. Considering that it was her real life story that inspired Rakeysh Omprakash Mehra to make his film Rang De Basanti (RDB).

While Mehra is currrently raking in the millions and is being showered with accolades, Kavita Gadgil awaits the promised call. Her martyred son, Abhijit Gadgil, was an Indian Air Force (IAF) pilot whose death in a MiG aircraft on September 17, 2001, was the focal point of the film.

Not only has her name been conveniently erased from the credits, Mehra has never mentioned her contribution to the film. She had many offers from people to make a film on the issue. Mehra met her with the same intention. She shared her experience with him in complete trust and faith, perhaps hoping that she could probably organise a charity show for her trust "Abhijit Safety Foundation Trust".

Mehra requested her not to speak to the media till the release of the film. After that there was no contact. Throughout she had been totally unaware of the making of the film. So much so she was finally not even sent a couple of tickets for the preview.

Is it any wonder then that she has not seen the film? No wonder, but definitely a shame. The callous behaviour meted out to her is telling of those to whom making mega bucks or tasting success propogating hypocritical values of patriotism is of primary consideration, over and above honouring a simple promise made to a bereaved mother, whose life has been encapsulated, emotions have been exploited for personal benefit and who has been left to whimper.

As if the cruel blow fate had already dealt her in the loss of her (only?) son was not tragic enough!

(RDB) has been successful in capturing the imagination of gullible audiences, vulnerable to the message of rebelling against a system which so far had only served to prove their impotence to circumstances they recoiled at with disgust.

Kavita Gadgil has been narrated the climax. The magazine quotes her as saying,

the climax of the film is not right. Violence is not the answer to anything. You are misguiding the youth. There is a proper way to fight the system. Killing doesn't solve anything.

Its not just our names that match! Agree on the above unreservedly.

One fails to understand the apathy towards this mother from the film makers. Her needs were few and well deserved. Simple and unpretentious in fact. Naiveté was her undoing. Had she been savvier, not only would she have cut out a sizable piece of the pie, but might have managed to whip up enough resources to lay the foundation for the trust which she is toiling to inaugurate on April 26th, Abhijit's birthday.

Her husband, the magazine quotes, consoles her with the following words: "theirs is a make believe world and this is common to them". Ironic, that those who in real life play with the sentiments of others, claim to be professionals in the business of creating sensitive films! The scenes portraying Waheeeda Rehman, who assayed the role of Kavita Gadgil, had been milked of every emotion to gain the mileage required. Audiences wept copiously, while the makers satisfied with their talent to metamorph a brilliant real life story with such authentic ingenuity into their script, revelled in glory and adulation, with the real Kavita Gadgil left probably crying silently in her home.

Somebody ought to tap them on the shoulder and remind them that the 'use and discard' methodology they appear to have adopted should have been restricted solely to tetra packs! Humans deserve better.

Not one to give up, Kavita is busy raising funds for the memorial for soldiers who have been forgotten. Her way of showing them respect, she says. For her personally though, life extends from one Sunday of the year to the next when she diligently goes down to the crash site in Rajasthan with water, flowers and a candle to light in memory of her son Abhijit Gadgil.

A bitter taste, yellow stance...not so Basanti after all!

Throw Momma Into Jail

Kaveetaa Kaul — Tue, 21 Mar 2006 01:53:08 EST

It's all about loving your parents' money!

Married couples are using the anti-dowry laws to implicate their parents and in-laws and force them to part with their wealth or to live separately.

In a shocking trend, some middle class married women, in league with their husbands, are foisting false dowry charges on their in-laws to pressure them to part with their wealth, a Delhi Police official says.
According to K.C. Dwivedi, deputy commissioner of police of the Crime Against Women Cell, some married couples hatch a plan to harass and threaten the husband's parents in order to get a share of the wealth and also to force the elderly parents to live separately.

"It seems they do not want to stay with their parents but are only concerned about their share in the wealth," Dwivedi said.

He added that in the past two months, the police had registered around five such cases where married couples framed false charges against their parents.

Disingenuous. Life never stops sucking the wind out of one's sails. The prevalence of old age homes was a bad enough reflection of where we were heading as a race. However, one gave the benefit of the doubt, albeit conditionally, to the fact that perhaps monetary constraints compelled working couples to take this drastic step in the hope that their elders would be well looked after in these homes.

But suing aged parents for material comforts is one of the most deplorable pieces of news in recent times. How conveniently such children overlook the years of upbringing, the toil, sacrifice, labour, love, caring, concern that has been unconditionally afforded to making them what they are today.

What you cannot recall, you do not reward. Simple. Well, not quite. As always, nemesis will strike with unfailing precision. Their children are watching keenly, very keenly. And children just love to be copy cats, don't they?

Signs, not always as jejune as we imagine.

Had these old parents any inkling of the twists and turns fate had in store, perhaps they would have been wary. Perhaps they would have instilled values which highlighted compassion, goodness, respect and kindness in those impressionable childhood years. Perhaps exposed them to the advantages of developing into a content human being, rich in self esteem, centered in humaneness and balanced in attitude towards worldly goals.

Somewhere they have faltered in their steps. Somewhere, as parents, they have exemplified a materialistic tendency that the children have imbibed in great proportion. Somewhere as a society we seem to be decaying into a hapless civilization where comforts, luxuries, wealth have not only taken precedence over any other worthwhile goals, but have blinded us as to the means we can adopt to fructify these desires. Shortcuts are the rule of the day. We are the 'click-age' generation, aren't we?

Perhaps it boils down to lack of trust in each other, whether parents and children husband and wife, siblings, partners, and lack of faith in one's destiny as reasons in triggering such deeds. Coupled of course with the greed for 'more'. Avarice has always spelt doom and will continue to.

Antiquated laws and lacunae in the system seem to be in the dock once again. The blame lies unmistakably in the glaring truth that justice in India is still floundering amidst misuse, delay and manipulation.

Instead of condemnng the ills our society is plagued with, these occurrences have to act as catalysts to analyse and re-define where we are leading our children. Accept responsibility for our actions as parents and citizens and assume the role of teacher, guide, friend and role model to our children. Society as a whole needs to be rescued urgently. It has been brought to the brink by us; we therefore must stand up to the challenge of bringing it back on track.

Let us each one, simply decide to not participate in and rebel against a wrong, happening directly in front of us. Each at a time. That is all that is needed.

Meanwhile, expunge Danny de Vito (Throw Momma From the Train) and feed on an overdose of our desi Karan Johar flicks and Baghban.

Are Women to Blame for Rape?

Kaveetaa Kaul — Thu, 16 Mar 2006 09:00:38 EST

I happened to read a most disturbing piece reported on the BBC News website titled Women 'get blame for being raped'.

A third of people believe a woman is partially or completely responsible for being raped if she has behaved flirtatiously, a survey suggests. The Amnesty International poll of 1,000 people also found over 25% believe she is at least partly to blame if she has worn revealing clothing or been drunk.
Amnesty says the "shocking" findings show government policies are failing.

And the director of public prosecutions told the BBC the report "highlights some areas of real concern".

Ken Macdonald QC, who is in charge of prosecutions in England and Wales, spoke to BBC Radio 4's Woman's Hour.

"The idea that a third of our people think that if a woman flirts she has only herself to blame if she is raped is, I think, quite shocking," he said.

"These are jury trials. The jury is the community in the courtroom and it is reasonable to suppose the jury brings into the courtroom a lot of the attitudes we have been reading about."

Nothing under the sun can be traced back to male unreasonability, when it comes to the battle between the sexes. For starters

A woman who decides to go in for a divorce gets a "what's she up to, there must be another guy", while the man gets "poor thing, he deserved better".

A twice divorced man is "plain unlucky" while a woman is "such a tramp, no guy wants to live with her".

When a man decides to be single he is "dedicated" to his career and probably would get a promotion on basis of this, while a woman is "ambitious" as in a four letter word, or "cares for no one but herself".

A working mother is accused of "neglect", while the father can get away with "pressures at work" as reason to ignore kids.

A man's success and growth in his career is attributed to "sheer dint of merit and hardwork", whilst a woman's is simply to "having slept around".

A man raising his voice on issues, even on the web is "passionate and forthright" while a woman is "aggressive, argumentative and confrontational".

A man flirting is "just having fun"..."harmless flirtation". For a woman of course she is "inviting to be raped".

While men can get away with wearing "nothing" or close to it, and being considered "macho", a woman is "cheap", an "exhibitionist" or "asking for rape" if she so much as wears a tight tee and jeans.

Mind you this is not hyperbole. Just yesterday, a young Muslim girl from the Aligarh University was being rigged by the college authorities "for setting a bad example" to students, since she decided to attend classes in jeans and without the "dupatta".

Justifications, excuses, explanations are aplenty and growing, as are the number of rape cases. One of the most common explanations of rape in the West is as the BBC quoted above, and in India, it is the dress code, substantiated vociferously by the statistics of fewer rapes a couple of decades ago, when women, men aver, were conservatively attired.

The generation of our mothers and grandmothers may not have seen as many crimes against women. Granted. But how does one know for sure? Shame associated was so tremendous that next to none got reported. Yet, if one were to pre-suppose the same, then the reasons are entirely different from what the guys choose to believe. Consider this. Women did not venture out of their homes alone or in situations of seclusion. Women in careers were rare. Therfore opportunity for crimes of the kind was limited. Interaction of the sexes was within the precincts of homes, where other males were present. Social life was limited to marriages, restaurant hoppings, movies - basically family outings.

In other words, men couldn't quite corner women as easily. Opportunity being rare, crime was rarer. For rape, conditions have to be fortuitous, no matter how oxymoron-ish this appears.

For the sake of argument, even if we do concede that dress code or flirtatiousness increases chances of rape, however absurd and ridiculous it sounds, then we have to admit simultaneously that male behaviour is open to animalistic traits that can be triggered up at the slightest provocation. So then here again, why blame the woman? It is the men who need to humanise themselves and while curbing their apish mentality inherited from Neanderthal days, inculcate traits worthy of being "male" in the right sense of the term. A "no" has to be taken as exactly that. No. After which it is rape, legally and technically.

Incidentally, this is the definition of rape in law: "The crime of forcing another person to submit to sex acts, especially sexual intercourse." In this light, therefore, clearly, whether it is a sex worker who expresses unwillingness or a wife, sexual intercourse without mutual consent is 'Rape'!

It was appalling to hear people, men and women alike, on the recent rape of a 52 year old widow, by the scion of Kasliwal family, make comments such as "but what was she doing out so late" or 'is she is a sex worker? If so how can it be rape?". This after medical reports had proven a fractured arm and bruises all over her body. Therefore not only does a woman get raped, but if she shows the gall to report it, then she is raped everyday, by either the media, the legal eagles or the common man. How can we blame a woman then that she'd rather die a thousand deaths within her, simmer in low fire under the burnt ashes of outrage, pain, humiliation, helplessness, for the rest of her life, than report the crime.

Despite this, if she decides to fight for justice, is it fair we disregard then the courage, grit and steadfastness required, and further whip her with shameful innuendoes? All over the world, sexual violence is on the increase, and guilty rarely brought to book. If law needs witnesses, this is one crime that rarely has corroboration. Yet, women are believed to "invite" rape?

Is it worth considering that perhaps men are "angry" at women for having taken over their bastion as providers? Women in their newly found economic independence are self-sufficient and content in their single lives. Does this aggravate the feeling of "redundancy" in a male, now that he has been substituted with other progressive interests? So does this lead to rape? Violence in its most depraved manifestation!

One is not attempting to suggest that all males need be viewed as "potential rapists". Surely reasonable males will realise that categorising is essential at times. However blanket statements and generalisations are dangerous, and therefore intentionally avoided. Nevertheless, going by the alarming rise in these untoward incidences, one cannot close one's eyes to the growing trends of male perversion.

It would be so refreshing if our "stronger sex" lives up to that terminology in its ethical connotation and exhibits that strength in areas like say "protecting" a woman from an assault, for a change, setting an example for their ilk.

Law and Justice: When Will These Atrocities Against Women End?

Kaveetaa Kaul — Sun, 12 Mar 2006 13:44:22 EST

farishtey se behtar hai insaan ban na
magar isme lagti hai mehnat zyaada

(tr: It is better to be a human being than it is to be a saint/nevertheless it takes more doing.)

In the wake of the Jessica Lal's Murdercase, Kuldeep's suicide and the actress shot in the head last night, it leaves one puzzled. Can one ever hope that the worst is over?

Denial has been our forte for generations. But it seems as if debauchery has taken on a human face. As if that was not enough, please read on for the latest to realise that perhaps the Devil is more real than we know and closer to us than we can imagine. For it is atrocious to believe that even in this day and age, humans can continue to be as insensitive and barbaric.

Two events telecast on television news literally left one choked for breath. The first was the rape of a 52 year old widow, by the 27 year old son of a leading mill owner of Mumbai, in his own Mercedes, in the vicinity of his mill compound, last night.

The Manu Sharmas of our societies are sprouting up at an alarming rate. What are we leaving our children as a legacy? An unsafe, devious world, where human life is the cheapest commodity? Where a woman is viewed as an object to be mauled, molested and abused at the first given opportunity? Imagine the reality of their ages - they could have been son/mother!

The paucity of values seems to be in reverse proportion to family wealth. It is a shame that pursuit of education is limited to enrollment in an elitist institution while upbringing and evolution relegated to the background.

Just last night I wrote an article Barefoot in the park. It seems as if it was Utopia I was envisaging: a place where people looked for the simple pleasures in life and embraced everyone in love and acceptance. It is truly difficult to be simple, therefore difficult to be happy.

I was wrong in even attempting to prove it otherwise. There are no takers for that kind of a world anymore, nor for those sentiments. There is no place for foolish romanticism. It is juvenile and naive to believe that some day there can be a world without tears, fears and grief and only an expansive sky of love above.

Paradise lost is not a myth, after all.

The harsh reality of the world we live in is difficult to swallow at times like this. We are all terribly guilty and are paying the price for not realising that we are nurturing a generation of misled and misguided children. We have failed miserably as parents. Either we drive our children to suicide or murder.

The second incident was the dual murder of a mother and daughter, both lawyers, in Delhi. The dastardly act was discovered only hours later.

Immersed in our selves, we are polarizing the society through money power or muscle power.

New laws are being formulated to prevent justice from being abused. Public disapproval on the scale witnessed recently has spurred action from the right directions. Promises from Manmohan Singh, Sonia Gandhi, Abdul Kalam and their weight behind these issues will hopefully bring the desired results in eradicating the loopholes responsible for encouraging crime.

Perhaps this is the catalyst for change. Criminals fear of the common man's awakened conscience alongside active media participation has to prove to be a real deterrent, not just a paper tiger. One is seeing encouraging signs. Public gaze has to be fixed on the issue, no matter the clever manipulations for the opposite.

Will the interested Conspirators succeed? Will the proverbial 'short memory 'of the public bury the cry for justice? One does not know all the answers at this stage.

The least one can do is create awareness and hope it will create a ripple effect which will transform into a wave of change. One has to condemn without reservation, react as if it was one of our own that has been victimized. Or feel unworthy of being called humans.

Barefoot In The Park

Kaveetaa Kaul — Sat, 11 Mar 2006 13:41:05 EST

"It is not the greatness of a man's means that makes him independent so much as the smallness of his wants"

William Cobbett

I experienced this, in my first tryst with truth while living at the Yoga institute, learning Yoga sutras and asanas. Apparently it was a mandatory stay prior to the year long teachers training course, prompted by the 'love for anything Indian' phase. Insiduously, however, I was ' trained' in more ways than just in Yoga. I had no intention of becoming a teacher, especially after the course, since I felt it unethical in teaching solely the physical aspect of yoga, when it was meant to be ideally viewed as a body-mind relationship. Instead I taught at the Institute , for a while, where the purity of tradition was maintainable. The other reason I taught there, I confess, was selfish. I had to be in shape to be credible, so it compelled me to regularise my practice.

Once there, I was surprised to discover how little it is that we actually need. Life was suddenly, uncomplicated, simple and peaceful.

The routine we were made to follow was perhaps a way of life for our ancestors.No big deal there. They would have been possibly amused at the sillinesss of us having discarded that pattern, so assiduously worked on by them, in the first place.. Arising before dawn, meditating, positively energising oneself and ones surroundings, asanas, pranayams, frugal , healthy , nutritious, vegetarian diet, spiritual ponderings, efforts to contain ones thoughts in complete awareness,bonding with fellow 'yogis'.

It was unimaginable that we, as in product of our times,a fairly pampered lot, fairly accustomed to our taken-for-granted- luxuries, would take to this simplified version of hermit-like life with amazing adaptability. Makes one wonder at the play of genes, and their responsibility towards this ready acceptance. We might have been a rather sane species, I suspect, in our previous 'yogi' avatars. Or am I speaking only for myself here? :)

At the end of our stay, none of us wanted to leave. We had felt cocooned and safe. Our body had been nourished, de-toxified and refreshed. The soul felt rejuvenated and cleansed of the burden of seemingly impervious impurities. We were as good as new.

Having to return to the world which now seemed strange, wicked,and bereft of innocence and its appreciation of it, made us misfits who had been condemned to hell after having had a taste of heaven. After teary farewells, much hugging, promises of undying friendships, keep-in-touch pleadings, we were grudgingly transported back to our homes by clueless family members,who having just witnessed an overly dramatic, emotional scene, were not quite able to fathom what the hullabaloo was all about, especially since at the commencement, a couple of weeks ago, we seemed a motley group of mature adults. This transformation was understandably, unimaginable.

The question that befuddled one however was 'How does one replicate the peace of that life 'inside' whilst in the world outside?"

Difficult but not impossible. After years of R&D, yours truly is gifting you the kernel of 'her experiments with truth', tried and tested, guaranteed.

What is needed is unwavering attention to the goal and a regular self analysis. Incorporation of the basic tenets of a yogic life, as much as possible, particularly in the areas of thought processes, diet patterns and exercises. Willful avoidance of falling into the trap of the 'dil maange more' mentality, so cleverly advocated by our ad gurus but so detrimental to our 'dil'.

Apart from that, the blueprint of a methodical work plan is necessary. In an effort to demolishing the wisecrack "it is so simple to be happy, but so difficult to be simple", let us show our mettle by proving it simply wrong. Begin at the beginning and sort out seriously, a 'things that make me happy' list. This is as good a start as any. If you happen to be the 'romantic' kind, to whom the chirping of a bird, sound of the brook, silence of the mountains, echoes in the hills, lapping of waves on a sunlit evening, is music, then things are off to great start. Read further. (Give up, if the list includes, an island in Greece, art, as only 'Van Gogh' or such like)

Recommended additions to the list, open to alteration from subjective perspective, chai and pakoras on a wet, wet day, R.D. Burman's melodies, Mirza Ghalib's Ghazals, the first bud on your precious black rose plant, a "mama, you are my best friend " card from your kiddo, a warm, cheery,toothless smile from an old beggar woman who you treated to Paani Puri, the koel on your windowsill, the earthy incomparable aroma of the first rain, watching your fave film cuddled in the darkness of your room,undisturbed and free to sob heartily, being blown over by random acts of kindness from complete strangers, feeding oneself guiltlessly to huge helpings of Black Forest, while feeding the music system with Kitaro and Julio, marvelling spellbound at the myriad colors of sea-life, feeling the cool of a baby's cheek, sharing notes such as these with your fellow beings. If any or such as these are capable of soaring your spirits to dizzy heights of sublime bliss, you've got it made. There's nothing to worry.

Life will turn out to be as joyful as a walk, barefoot in the park.

Eve Teasing: A Three-Pronged Approach to Slaying the Monster

Kaveetaa Kaul — Tue, 7 Mar 2006 05:24:39 EST

This morning the top most item on the agenda was to write on the topic as promised. Sheer force of habit led me to the papers. The following headline caught my eye "Eve teaser shoots at lawyer trying to save kin". This occurrence, that too today of all days. So ironic.

Apparently, the lawyer, Meher Bhargava, acted in retaliation to four hooligans who had passed lewd comments against her daughter-in law, Kavita. She objected to their behaviour. One of them took out a country-made revolver and shot her in the neck. She is presently battling for her life. Incidentally, the incident occurred right outside the house of the SSP. The police stationed there did not budge, despite being witness to the happenings.

While one cannot help but feel inwardly proud of Meher, the plight she finds herself in is shameful. The incident only triggers a host of questions and responses. There seem to be so many layers to the incident that are intertwined - the least not being that the assailants had a criminal record, alogside political connections.

The Jessical Lal case is a testimony to the triumph of the citizen. Manu Sharma has been unceremoniously ostracised in his own town of Chandigarh apart from the mess of a retrial that he is facing. Don't his kind give up?

To avoid deviating from the topic of the day, however, what needs to be noted is that the average woman today has decided to fight this attack on her space, tooth and nail. In this case, Meher, was protecting her daughter-in-law, which is such refreshing news, also the fact that she must therefore have been a middle aged person if not a senior citizen. But age was not a deterrent. Kudos to her for that.

The question is "Are we ever going to be rid of this menace?" Even if it may not get totally rooted out, in my opinion, there is hope that it may dwindle in occurrence in cities and metros. For this to become a reality, we women, the police and the common man have to play an interactive and complementary role.

It is indeed pitiable that we have to implore for public participation, when it should be the bounden duty of every citizen, regardless of gender, to aid a victim. I have personally been a witness to a young girl beng harassed, at a so-called elitist theatre. While myself and another woman protested, no male chose to involve himself. I leave it to your imaginaion to fathom how the harasser was shamed and browbeaten because of his ludicrous games. I doubt he will ever venture that sphere of activity again. On second thoughts, who knows?

It is not so much about how these men view us. It is more about how they view themselves. Lack of self-esteem is the basis of the problem. No self-respecting man would stoop to such behaviour. Apart from that it stems from decaying moral structure, lack of social training, emotional delinquency and illiteracy. Of course, here one is not referring to the proverbial male who has not got rid of his wolfish animalistic cloak, even after aeons of rebirths. Some just refuse to evolve.

Some self-righteous men often quote the dress code of "women today" as the sole cause. What rubbish!! It's not as if women in the days of our mothers were not molested. The topic itself was so taboo, that it was hushed up in embarassed silences. The idea that a woman who dresses provocatively invites rape or molestation is chauvunistic to the core, and can stem only from sick minds. Freedom, when it comes to women, becomes a matter of endorsement by males, therefore conditional. Can not a woman wear what she feels like wearing? For the same reason, the burkha is the classic example to my mind of male domination.

Recently we were told of a case where a woman was found running on the road at 2am, nude. Obviously there had to be a traumatic reason behind it. God knows what the circumstances were. Would a man take off his shirt to cover her, or his pant to rape her, thinking that she is asking for it? This is what society as a whole should answer, and men in particular.

The role of law enforcement agencies cannot be underestimated. "Spare the rod and spoil the child" is a maxim applicable in this context. The fear of police punishment has proven to be efficacious. It just needs to have more teeth and less red tapism. The process needs to be such that a victim can walk up to a police station or a cop with complete conviction that her plea will be addressed and redressed. As often happens now, the way the cross questioning is carried out further shames the victim into regretting that she decided to seek redressal.

Here I would like to aver that it would be unfair to categorise all males as suspect. There are a number of men I know who balk at the idea of harassment as much as we do and have been vocal about it in circumstances that required them to be. It seems arbitrary to consider harassing women a male compulsion. Suffice to say that it is a menace existing in our society which needs to be dealt with urgently and stringently.

A three pronged attack is therefore a viable solution, with women believing in the "shakti" they embody, the Police living up to their primary role of benfactors and the common man essaying the role of concerned and responsible citizen.

If all of this happens as envisaged, then the days of "adam teasing" are nearing. Soon netizen males will be thinking up means to stave off offending female advances. Just kidding.

blog-a-thon 2006

We, The Living

Kaveetaa Kaul — Fri, 3 Mar 2006 12:32:06 EST

Nothing is more fatal to happiness than the remembrance of happiness.

- Sri Aurobindo.

Have you ever pondered the fact that we often value the people who have made the most imperceptible but immeasurable contributions to our life, only after they have left us for good? Even in our sorrow we prove to be selfish. For what we moan is not their death, but what has died within us in their death.

The tendency of the human mind to believe in the everlastingness of those we take for granted or those who give without demanding, is the cause of abject misery when reality hits. If we are watchful, we will hear many regretful 'only ifs'. Only if I had been more caring, or more attentive, or more sensitive to the needs of that person who has embarked on the never-to-return journey. Albeit too late.

Life then takes a turn where copious hidden tears are shed, coupled with innumerable lonely nights, empty laughter, forlorn longings. And happiness the ever elusive, gets more elusive by the minute.

Not only have we to learn that we are here as tenants in a tenement, but more urgently, that those we love are but travellers who have their own journey to fulfill and their shadow might fade into nothingness, as surreptitiously as time slips by.

If only the thought that precedes a harsh word or an indifferent shrug is that of the transcience of all mankind - a reality that is staring us in our faces! If impermanence cannot provide us reason enough to treasure our living and not just their memories, nothing will.

Of what avail then are the heartrending eulogies, the soul stirring epitaphs? The one it was meant to give reassurance to is never going to look back. Of what use is it then to relieve ourselves of the guilt of neglect by public displays of grief? It will not serve to dry a single tear that oozes out of a heavy heart or provide solace to the regret that might plague our days and nights.

If loss be the teacher, what gain is in it for us?

Death is inevitable and so is bereavement, with its darkness impenetrable by our imagination, choiceless in character. However what is within our ambit of choice is the unconditional love, caring, smiles and support we can offer to those who by their mere presence have lit it up our lives in more ways than one, to give it the dimension we enjoy, but rarely admit.

The hardest of all is learning to be a well of affection, and not a fountain, to show them that we love them, not when we feel like it, but when they do.

- Nan Fairbrother

Let us verbalise our love for them when they can hear it, enjoy it, and feel cherished. Let us give of ourselves, through our time, attention and nurturing. An impetuous hug, as if it were the last, a long cherished gift, a mirthful jig in free abandon, purposeless and innocent. If there is one area of life where stinginess of emotion is going to be cause for our misery, it is the holding back of affection for the irreplaceable souls.

Death is unforgiving and unrelenting. Its finality, stark and true. Won't it be too late then?

Reminiscence: Children

Kaveetaa Kaul — Tue, 28 Feb 2006 09:43:24 EST

Babies are necessary to grown-ups. A new baby is like the beginning of all things--wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities. In a world that is cutting down its trees to build highways, losing its earth to concrete ... babies are almost the only remaining link with nature, with the natural world of living things from which we spring.

Eda J Le Shan, author of parenting books.

The pristine joy and the inexplicable pleasure of being among plants in my garden is something I live for - similar to cuddling little babies, fresh from their bath, smelling of baby powder and cream,and listening to their happy gurgling. All woes of the world then seem far away and unreal.

At a time when my kids were still capable of driving me up the wall, one of them sneaked into the kitchen and when the servant wasn't watching, bathed himself with flour. Another time, my son rubbed jam diligently over the silk cushions to help match his shirt, with 'mama, same same, red color'. I used to moan sympathetically on seeing a pregnant woman and pass on loving glances to her, inwardly thinking 'she has no idea what she is in for'.

Now that they are grown, and the pangs of their pranks have magically metamorphed into sweet, adorable mischief remembered with nostalgia, the sight of a little one, no matter the location, sends me into raptures, much to the consternation of my hubby and son, highly embarassed at the funny noises emanating from me in the hope of drawing the kiddo's attention.

I just simply love kids - this just in case the above utterances failed to convey the said emotion vociferously enough. The littler the cuter. Shape, size, color no bar. Just cuties capable of gurgling, putting their fists into their mouths, tugging at their own hair tightly in anger or frustration and then crying louder since the pain in question seems unrelated to their tightly clutched lock of hair. It seems so adorable. My son was a great one at this. I was forced to put mittens on his hands to avoid the recurring event, at regular three-hour intervals, when he was hungry.

The sight of young mothers in their new avatar, all flustered and bothered, running around in circles, endeavouring to get the morsel into the kid, quick as silver, darting around in amazing tangents to avoid getting that morsel in. Oh! that is so saddeningly cute. My daughter was responsible for me staying a trim 52 kgs, even after her birth. With all the running around, I felt fit for the races, considering the practise I had put in, on a continuous basis 24/7.

I seriously advise mothers who need to get rid of post pregnancy weight a single remedy - no ayahs anywhere close. They are to be delegated household jobs only; they are wicked. No grand parents; they need the rest. Bask in the glory of rearing your kids with your own two hands. (This relates specifically to us in India; those abroad do it in any case). Believe me, there is no way a gym will beckon or jeans will need to be replaced.

Like someone said, 'the tragedy of children is that you don't get them back'.

All the years when their messiness and indiscipline got to you, is what you miss the most - the books lying all over, the littered confused wardrobe, outrageous clothes, addiction to loud music, staying awake at all hours except waking up in the mornings, the penchant for the latest in designer wear, totally funky birthday bashes. One sees videos of it and realises it is over. That was to do with the daughter.

Today when my 17 year old son whips up a perfect Spanish omelette for me on those special days when the PTA (Parents Teachers Association) meeting has been scheduled and he is in trepidation of its outcome, it is hard to juxtapose the same kid with his antics in the kitchen. I guess the only thing common is the glint of mischief in his eye that is visible even today. Soon he will be a strapping lad, off to college. Foreign lands will then attract, and my omelette will have to wait.

The need to nurture remains unchanged. I still feel the need to chase my daughter with a glass of juice on her visits from the U.S. and cannot stop myself from the nag I have become about her dietary intake, even on long distance calls. She laughs it off now, but stubbornly refuses to have her muesli, I am told. When it gets a bit much, I complain endlesly to my own dear mom. I have to shut up when she reminds me that I have been delaying breakfast too, despite her several reminders. She even calls hubby up to complain of me. Seems to span across generations. Mothers are the same in all generations. Children will remain children too as long as there are mothers who nag.

And lullabies will sound magical from the memory of either having been heard or sung.

Murder of Justice

Kaveetaa Kaul — Sun, 26 Feb 2006 00:10:07 EST

Jessica Lal, a model, was murdered brutally, shot in the eye on 29th April 1999. Judgement has been delivered. All the nine accused, including Manu Sharma, son of Haryana minister Vinod Sharma, and Vikas Yadav, son of Don-turned politician, D.P. Yadav were let off.

Understandably, Jessica's friends and family are distraught by the judgment in her case and have been vocal about expressing anger and frustration in the media.

It is devastating to acknowledge the fact that we live in a country where the killing of a deer is a punishable offence, while the murderer of an innocent girl goes scott free! It is a mockery of our judicial system to say the least, which seems to be blind in more ways than one and open to manipulation by the high-profiled and wealthy. Some message this from the judiciary.

Several lacunae on the part of the police coupled with all the five witnesses turning hostile, including an eyewitness, led to this shameful subservience of law and the culprits escaped via the loopholes so inherent in our legal structure further weakened by the inordinate delay. To top it all, the evidence of the cartridges had been tampered with in the forensic lab. The guilty left no stone unturned in covering their footprints and succeeded. Of course, it goes without saying that had the urge been insatiable to ensure that the guilty be booked, hook or by crook, justice would have prevailed.

What would any of us have done in the event of being witness to this crime? I have been trying to delve deep within to elicit an honest response. I would have opted to be on the side of Justice, unarguably. What legacy would I have left my children otherwise if I shielded the criminal and pretended to be worthy of being called an honorable human being!

We as citizens can express our disgust and angst at the verdict. Text messages to petition the President for a retrial via NDTV are being sent, in thousands if not lakhs, hopefully. "Maybe this mockery could be questioned. Watching the main accused drive off in a government car is the biggest slap on the face of the judiciary". We are sending around these messages to all those we think would care to further the cause of justice. It is heartening to record the numbers, rising by the hour.

Vikas Yadav, one of the accused, is also being tried in the gruesome murder of Nitesh Katara, a young executive bludgeoned to death by the brothers of the girl he was in love with. Two criminal actions of this scale is such a blatant display of "brattish behaviour" which is almost a trademark of the spoilt kids of irresponsible parents, too drowned in their own revelries to sense the monstrosities of their offsprings. They spend the initial period of child rearing instilling erroneous morals and the later years in erasing the effects of the rot and destruction it brings in its wake. We need to take responsibility if we have faltered so glaringly in the formative years. The buck stops with us as parents.

Talking of the "buck", it is poignant to note that the "Bishnois" of Rajasthan showed their loyalty to their endangered black buck, shot down by a film star, by unflinchingly standing by their case all these years and without bowing to pressure of any kind, succeeded in getting the culprit sentenced. It stands to reason that they cherish their animals more than we value our fellow human beings and their lives.

As citizens it seems so incomprehensible that on the one hand we are sure we live in a free, secular, democratic India, but on the other hand events such as these force us to question the validity of the foundation of our judicial structure and give rise to the gnawing doubt as to how free we really are.

A free society is a just one, where crime is punished, guilty are brought to book and we are content in the knowledge of having a judiciary which will ensure the same. This seems Utopian in the given scenario which translates more as "you are a criminal only if proven". Otherwise you are Plain Powerful. Licensed therefore to get away with murder, literally. For Justice seems a servant in the hands of the wealthy. A sad state of affairs to say the least. Jessica's mother died in 2002, hoping somewhere that "Jessica is gone to show us that justice will prevail". Her father suffered a stroke after his wife's death and is slowly losing his memory.

There has been a hue and cry, rightly so, and in a manner befitting an enlightened people. No violent protests or effigy burnings. But through the Press, internet, and T.V. channels, the expostulations of the common man are being heard and his incense being countenanced.

There is hope in the dramatic turn of events where the Delhi High Court has reacted to the reports of malafide investigation and prosecution. It has ordered a re-trial in four weeks. We wish earnestly that the two Ms - money and muscle power - are relegated to the background in this fight for justice. One hopes then that some semblance of us co-habiting in a civilised and just society is restored. In the absence of which, not only is this a downer for the ordinary citizen but more alarmingly, an added impetus for the well-connected, with their brazenness fuelled by clout, and replete in the sense of well being in their high citadels.

It would be imperative to wage war on those walls with public outrage and ostracism in its highest proportions to convey that India has finally risen. Our weapon, our Brahmasthra is our collective will and determination. Our potential as a medium of change has been severely underutilised. If this incident is a catalyst to announce our potency, then so be it.

"If we do not maintain Justice, Justice will not maintain us."

P.S. Judge S.L. Bhayana has been elevated to the Delhi High Court, within three days of his controversial acquittals. He hails from Haryana where Manu Sharma's father is Minister. Need one say more!