Desicritics Author: Grumpy Old Indian Man

Satire: From A to B - From Ash to Bachchan

Grumpy Old Indian Man — Wed, 5 Sep 2007 00:18:02 EDT

It's the new speed reading alphabet of social and semiotic significance.

From A to B ...

From ASH to BACHCHAN

Sitting on Top of the world - or dancing.

Sitting on Top of the world, or dancing - and in a flat world (Thanks to Tommy Friedman) that's the whole bloody alphabet. It's, in fact, seventeen-plus alphabets, Devanagri, Dravidian and Roman - take your choice.

Yes Ashwariya Rai and Abhishek Bachchan are the ultimate Globalized and Bollywood Royalty combination.

She made it on beauty, charm and timing.

He made it on nepotism, nasal deja vu - and Daddy Love

The world is their oyster.

They run the gamut of emotions from A to B, and they can dance if they want to.

That is very likely, and most hopefully, the first and last time Dorothy Parker and Men Without Hats have been quoted in such close proximity.

Another Alpha and Omega.

Ash and Ben Kingsley: Kalaripayat Druids Kick Ass

Grumpy Old Indian Man — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 00:21:37 EDT

SPOILER ALERT
Yes, finally the mythic truth can be told. The Last Legion reveals the truth we've all long suspected.

Indians actually founded Britain with a combination of mad Kallaripayat skill and ancient Vedic wizardry.

Booyakkkasha padme hum diddly hum.

Ash plays lady warrior Mira -- straight outta old school Kerala -- Matriarchy in the house.

In a reasonably charming children's film fashion (which this movie clearly is -- without anyone involved ever having acknowledged it) Mira whirls about with a band of roguish characters ... including uber-Romcom Brit, Mr Darcy, Colin Firth.

While Darcy seems to have misplaced his famous Christmas Jumper at the Turkey curry buffet, its homely knitted spirit hovers over this project.

Dyslexic name swapper Krishna Banji -- is back again in druidic kahdhi -- kicking it as Sir Ben Kingsley --- aka Merlin.

What role can't that talented proboscis sandwiched between those ever growing
ears make his own. Here he whirls about as Merlin - in some scraps of Ian McClellan's left-over beard floss.

There must have been a remnant sale at the THEATRICAL SIRs & Sons STORE.

Well long story short

... and direct video story short
... and all stars refused to do publicity story short
... and has been sitting on the shelf for two years story short

The Mallu Matador and the Krishna Magician ...
... end Roman rule
... and bury the famous sword in the well-known stone

... just waiting for Arthur to come along shortly ... or should I say Arshya. King Arthur to some, perhaps, Raja Arshya to those in the know.

The word Arshya means that which is from the Rishis - the great sages of ancient

India. They are the original of being in the know. There is no more know than what they are in.

Shilpa Shetty: You're Soaking in It

Grumpy Old Indian Man — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 00:16:46 EDT

There’s just so much Shilpa Shetty to go around these days.

If that Orwell fellow had only known how lucrative this Big Brother
gig was … think how he could have cashed in early and retired.

Reasonably fresh from being first reservedly hand-shook by Elizabeth Regina II and then vigorously deep-dipped by one Mr. Richard Gere - Shilpa’s having quite the year. A right old Annus Shilpabilis … that’s something like Fergalicious but more Englishy.

Everyone’s favorite Mangalorean mami, now Dr. Shetty, has taken residence in balmy groves of Honorary Doctorship. Dr. Shilpa Shetty, I presume.

Beyond the Beyond at Blogwired reports:

‘ News around Shilpa Shetty just doesn’t stop flowing. (((Boy, that’s for sure. The woman’s a global publicity machine.))) And this time the buzz is about a doctor’s degree that has been conferred upon Shilpa Shetty by the Leeds University for her outstanding contribution to cultural diversity. ‘

Ohhh the luck of the Mangaloreans … all the phii, haitches and dees … the very best bits of the angrezi alphabet with none of the tiresome study or student loans, deadlines, dissertation writing, tutorials, teaching … just beaming Mango-flavored Maa-Baap in the front row of the Leeds Metropolitan audience.

Plus some funny hats and robes. Very Harry Potter … vhii haitch phii … Every new Volume of Shilpa Shetty meets an eager readership and a profitable filmic adaptation.

Still Dr. Shetty ain’t content with the sweet smell of simply one success. You can smell her, you can see her and once she’s been seen, she’s a … Shilpa Seen Sans Frontières

The Times of India reports:

    Shetty’s fragrance, S2, has risen to the number 3 spot in the UK fragrance charts within a fortnight after it was launched in London.

    Shilpa has beaten off stiff competition from the likes of other international stars such as Kylie Minogue, Sarah Jessica Parker, Jennifer Lopez and Paris Hilton. Her inimitable S2 perfume has proved itself to be a cut above the rest amid the sea of other celebrity fragrances launched in the lucrative perfume market, sources said on Sunday.

    Describing the popular fragrance that has been created by the oldest French perfumer, Robertet, Shilpa said: “The perfume is truly unique because of the whole edge we have with the ethnic aroma.

Interestingly for the rest of us … rumor has it ethnic aroma is not always such an unadulterated moneymaker. The neighbors complain and the landlords worry about never getting it out of the upholstery.

That Shilps she could sell ice to Eskimos, aroma to ethnics … good gods … I bet she could sell racism to the Brits.

A veritable Marvel of Mangalorean marketing modernity.

Props to La Shetée … she’s getting all Twelve Monkeys out for her Sterling British future.

AIM reports:

Ethnic agency Sterling Media has taken over from publicist Max Clifford in representing actress Shilpa Shetty in Britain.
Managing director Natasha Mudhar said: “We are delighted to have won the account, and look forward to propelling Shilpa across an international and mainstream platform. Shilpa has some very interesting projects lined up which we are sure will generate extensive talkability.”

I think that was a Homi Bhabha paper I once heard …

Ethnic Agency: Generating Extensive Talkability from the Upanishads to the Booker Man Prize.

Well Ethnic Agency … Shilpa’s Soaking in IT … take a dip … I hear the water’s fine.

Being Shashi Means Never Having to Say Your Sari

Grumpy Old Indian Man — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 00:29:29 EDT

More proof that the S-G letdown is Sending Shashi Tharoor down the long stony path to crankdom and grumpy Uncle-ness. He’ll be swilling Johnny Walker Black and talking out his neck with Christopher Hitchens any minute now. Although, as Hitches still has his turn of phrase and the relevance that comes with a current best-seller, Shashi will once again be an also-ran.

The latest proof of Shashi’s descent into Grumpy Old Indian-ness is that after a bloviating, pompous-ji article on the disappearance of the sari from the modern Day India as it is raked by his Shashi-esque gaze. He did not receive the approbation to which he is accustomed.

He has responded to criticism with all the aplomb of an uncle chortling through his moustache …

Have a gander at the musings. Remember if you don’t read, the Tharoor-ists have already won!

John Abraham - Putting The Coolie Back In Cool

Grumpy Old Indian Man — Sun, 14 Jan 2007 19:51:42 EST

Calendar boy and habitual hair flopper Farhan 'John' Abraham has come out against the hegemony of cool in a High Hinglish interview with the Indo-Asian News Service (IANS).

'Let me state once and for all, I've done nothing to consciously project a cool image. Whether it's the motorbikes or brand endorsements, I do what comes naturally to me,' John told IANS.

Sensing that the endorsements and motorbikes were undercutting his anti-cool talking point, he continued in a veritable mobius loop of unconvincing argumentation

'I feel there's an overt attempt to portray oneself as cool in our industry. But to try to be cool is very un-cool. If there's a cool-quotient to your personality, it will show up without your trying,' he added.

Critics of the clearly overwhelmingly cool Abraham have pointed out that he would be well advised to take up the banner of those who do not overtly attempt to portray themselves as clever. In fact since the controversial interview and launch of the much discussed John Abraham ~~Beefcake~~ Muttoncake calendar -- enrollment at his alma maters Bombay Scottish and Jai Hind College have plummetted.

Prospective parents for both institutions when interviewd by the Grumpaji Samachar expressed similar concerns. Mrs. Parijaat D'esai of Rushimangl Building, Walkeshwar lead the pack in vocal expressions of concern, "In my youth I could have willy nilly married Parsis and all sorts of Christian Malayalees if I was just going to produce cool children with good looks and maximum height and abdominals. Why should we who chose more conventional categories, such as astrological indicators and a desire to minimize parental cardiac episodes, now be punished?"

"Everyone is concerned that Bombay Scottish and even Jai Hind College have gone very downhill," Continued Mrs. D'esai, " When these filmi/calendar types can't get through a simple Angrezi sentence without endlessly repeating cool ... how will this get my Motilal-beta into Emory.Stanford.waghera? He can't do similar shirt lifting antics to this Abraham character ... we need quality education return ... highest English medium standards!"

"If he wants so much cooling ... let his mother feed him jeera water." She added with what this reporter cannot only describe as a classic, near-moustachioed harumph - which is not to imply anything hirsute about Mrs. D'esai who was merely downy about the upper lip.

Asked to further clarify his comments on coolness -- its ubiquity and unpopularity -after the public criticism -- Jo-Abs was befuddled by the uproar which hindered him not at all from commenting at length.

'Whether it's my own brand of clothes or me serving as a brand ambassador for a mo-bike, I guess I've been forging my own style of self-projection. The calendar is an idea that, to my knowledge, hasn't been done by any other actor. It'll contain only my images. Does that seem slightly narcissistic? It is actually nothing more than a humble exercise in public relations. The calendar with my pictures shot by Subi Samuel will be sent to people whom I know and would like to reach out to at the beginning of the year. It's a no-profit venture. When I was doing an endorsement for my clothesline, someone said, 'cool is John Abraham'. It's interesting. But they would look at the clothes and say, 'this is very John Abraham'. I felt flattered. When you get branded with a certain image that defines your cool-quotient, I think it's very cool.'

In order to unpack this further mass of contradictory Abrahamisms we contacted Professor of Media Studies Moonya Bhowmick at UC East LA who said ' Debates about "Abrahamic studies vs. Abrahamology" may be irresolvable because they are symptoms of a crisis of a different order: the academy's still-colonialist relation to our civilization(s)' folk-or-wisdom traditions, "hot shirtless guy" traditions in particular. Scholars of Abrahamic studies or Abrahamology practice a kind of "colonialism writ-small" when they remove their subject matter from its lived, societal contexts and re-situate it in conceptual worlds of their own devising. If endless debates follow, they concern these worlds we have constructed rather than the material reality of his attractive stubble contrasted with his gleamingly waxed torso"*

*Uffi-Nayar, Anita (2002) Depilating the Interim: Representation and Parsi Mallus from the Fin de Si�cile to the Fire Temple. London: Tauris

Satire: George Clooney Up to Hijinx

Grumpy Old Indian Man — Thu, 12 Oct 2006 02:36:53 EDT

Holy Moly Blind Item!

Which mega-MEGA Hollywood actor boffed the obligatory friend of a friend whilst still seeing his British girlfriend?

All went well on their first date and she ended up in bed with the salt & peppered lothario. It was going so well she agreed to a bit of rear entry as

"It was *********(Salt and Pepper Lothario nomenclature deleted) , what was I going to do? Say no?!"

He rang her for a second date, back to hotel, he flips her over again, although she's a bit miffed. Anyway, she's biting the pillow when she hears a strange gargling noise, looks over her shoulder and he is there, having a thoroughly good time, choking himself with a tie.

George Clooney and The Ties that Blind

Dateline London: George Clooney at the Tradesman's Entrance

Following the lead of top UK publication Holy Moly -- Vanity Fair, in an unprecedented editorial move, decided its November cover and indeed the entire issue had become irrelevant. The late breaking Clooney News meant it all had to be re-done -- regardless of cost or timing.
In a move that has stunned the the publishing world Vanity Fair Editor Graydon Carter has pulled all issues of their November Magazine featuring George Clooney on the cover.

The November issue was already available on newstands in L.A. and N.Y.C. as of October 5th -- and was scheduled for release elsewhere in the U.S on October 10 ... but STOP THE PRESSES. Vanity Fair trucks have been collecting unsold issues for pulping and bird cage lining ... and Newstands across the country are on Standby for delivery of the Emergency re-edit.

We spoke to one Upen Piggybhai Patel at New York's Grand Central Station ... where he has been a newspaper and fine publications vendor for over thirty years.

"I first came to know about Graydon's fixation for relevancy and very nowness from his mother, but still when I hear this recall tamasha I thought he has decided to pull a fast one. Scandal comes and goes ... why make such a fuss.

"I mean he signed one after another big banner film stars for his covers and never recalled previously. He has always held Clooneybhai in the highest esteem. He was always looking forward to working with him."

The shocking news of Clooney's Ride down the Perilous Hutchence Highway fully banalized the original articles.

Even such formerly fascinating information as the Clooney-esque take on prostitution:

"I'd never seen a hooker in my life, coming from Kentucky and all these girls came up to the car and were like, 'Baby, want to party? You want to party with me?' And I was like, 'Girls love me, man! I 'm on fire in this town! I should have come here a long time ago! Chicks dig me!' And Miguel goes, 'They're hookers, you idiot."

Became patently absurd as wastes of glossy page space.

The homo-chic tweak of his manly Georgian views on the hotness that is Clive Owen:

"(He is) the big find in the past two or three years. I think he's a movie star. He's, like, a man - there's a sexuality and a masculinity that I think is really interesting."

These cologne scented observations -- even while nestled between high end folded fragrance samples -- now had the resonance and relevance of a breaking story on John Kerry's Botox use.

What will Graydon bring Forth ... now that we all know ?? How will Vanity Fair handle the substantive issues raised by this very contemporary tale of ties that bind? How will Dominic Dunne manage to name-drop while auto-asphyxiating ?

Vanity Fair's readers worldwide are poised by their mailboxes.

You lucky buggers get to see it here first.

Satire: Jude Law: To Be or Not To Be a Movie Star

Grumpy Old Indian Man — Thu, 28 Sep 2006 00:29:49 EDT

Dateline: The West End, London.

To Be or Not To Be a Movie Star

Jude Law slightly stunned a no longer particularly interested public with his announcement that he's leaving Hollywood to go back to the English Stage as Hamlet, Prince of Denmark.

The latest casualty in the 'dollar dollar bill y'all' onslaught of Brits who never quite cracked the American market, Law is covering his retreat with the classic "The Theatre is My First Love" strategy.

While certainly outscoring fellow Brits Oasis and Robbie Williams -- both of whom sponsored unsuccessful flutters at stardom across the pond -- Law has finally failed to crack the leading man problem.

After a lithe, sexy, fuzzy chested supporting turn in The Talented Mr Ripley all systems seemed go for young Jude -- but the rocket fuel never ignited. His sputtering filmic ubiquity -- without ever quite achieving star status -- ended up as a Chris Rock punch line at the 2005 Academy Awards:

"Who is Jude Law? Why is he in every movie I've seen the last four years? He's in everything! Even the movies he's not acting in, if you look at the credits, he made cupcakes or something!"

And the fun was just starting for Judy McCupcakes!

As the lackluster films continued to pile up, his personal life took centerstage. He and wife Sadie "Famous in England for Nothing" Frost, first dosed their toddler with E (some kids have all the luck!), separated, divorced, threw late night wobblies on the streets of Primrose Hill, dabbled with a bit of clinical depression and threw in a dash of the old suicidals. Quite the Tabloid Cocktail, but only the English paid attention. Fair Enough - as with the harshly limited supply of good looks in the UK * -- Law had used up a generation and a half's allotment.

Frost free at last, Jude quickly paired off with younger model Sienna "Famous in England for Nothing" Miller -- and then just as quickly tumbled his po-faced nanny round his lecherous hotel sheets. The aforementioned nanny then became, along with Sadie and Sienna, largely famous for shamelessly shagging our wee (another scurrilous rumor much debated) Jude.

Quite the Sorority to Pledge. This serial fourgy has gone on to nondescript infamy. Sadie has carried on to recently feature, naked and nude, in a PETA campaign -- mooning Greater London to show how Photoshopped fannies make you hate fur. Well if she didnt like fur, why did she marry Jude? He's universally acknowledged to be the oddly sensual combination of glowing choir boy and fuzzy woodland creature. Furhter to the point if she wanted to Photoshop her fanny couldnt she just post in on her My Space page rather than taking up valuable Silk Cut billboard footage?

Sienna is rumored to be acting (in-between spasms of forgiving Jude for naughty Nanny Chasing) and is also a freelance floaty napkin mannequin-about-town for the new Stella McCartney 2 Legs is Best Line.

The nanny has headed north and will be playing a very round potato in a Panto at the Gaiety Theatre in Dumfries and Galloway. Tickets a bargain at one shilling and sixpence.

And now Jude is keen on leaving Hollywood in order to concentrate on his stage career. And after Cold Mountain, Alfie and All the King's Men no one's checking his luggage at JFK for reasons to stay.

Loyal Fans of Law can however take heart -- in his past stage work there's been generous helpings of naked and entirely nude Jude Law. He did a well received bathtub exit in Les Parents Terribles and spent almost the whole run of Indiscretions naked on stage with Kathleen Turner.

Rumors abound that despite the lack of central heating in Castle Elsinore the naked, nude, furry woodland charms of Jude Law will be on full display in his upcoming Hamlet at the Young Vic.

When asked for his thoughts about playing Shakespeare's saucy Danish dish Mr. Law trotted out this palate pleasing comment:

I'm always looking for the right play and the right time [Note: see girls you should've been forewarned]. I hope that time might be soon. I wanted to come back and act, but for personal and economic reasons I had to forgo the opportunity. Theatre gives you a different taste in your mouth from film.

When asked about the Full Frontal Princely rumors -- Jude rakishly replied:

It's Hamlet not Macbeth ... no real moment for the old 'Is this a dagger which I see before me' gags! Still you never know ... Buy your tickets early ... and buy in bulk. Because Ladies -- the Law permits group discounts!" * God(s) Bless the European Union and the recent influx of attractively cheekboned Poles to Great Britain -- things may improve somatically. Indeed, Outmarrying Punjabis by themselves decreased the general English Unattractiveness Factor (EUF) by 15% over the last decade. African and Asian Carribeans have contributed an additional 20% to the EUF Reduction. Close your eyes and think of the Empire. It's giving you love like a red headed step child. You might not deserve it -- but love's all good --and Queen Victoria is a chap named Beckham.

Cartoon: Bush and Musharraf 2.06 For Dummies

Grumpy Old Indian Man — Tue, 26 Sep 2006 01:38:08 EDT

Satire: Musharraf-Bush Stone-age Politics

Grumpy Old Indian Man — Sun, 24 Sep 2006 02:17:48 EDT

Dateline: Washington DC

With the United States and Pakistan united in a war against terrorism, the suggestion Friday that the United States once threatened to bomb the Pakistanis "back to the Stone Age" landed like a diplomatic bombshell.

Acting swiftly to defuse concern over any such threat, the White House dismissed it as a misunderstanding, the former deputy secretary of state who allegedly issued the threat denied ever using such incendiary words.

But incendiary may be just the word for it ...

Trumping President Pervez Musharraf's allegation yesterday -- President Bush revealed it was all a rather comic misunderstanding -- and that the President is not only a heavily constructed "Good Ol Boy", but an entirely unreconstructed "Good Time Boy."President Bush told the press today, "We didnt mean Stone AGE ...We meant Stonage ... like major doobage ... Richard [Armitrage, former assistant secretary of state] was trying to score some weed. I mean Laura usually has a sweet stash -- everyone knows she was the biggest pot dealer on campus at UT and she brought the good chronic to DC - but we were out! MaryJane had left the West Wing ..."

The U.S. president said he'd been caught off guard by Musharraf's allegation, but also tried to make light of the controversy.

"All I can tell you is, is that shortly after 9/11, Secretary Colin Powell came in (to the White House) and said, `Pervy M understands the stakes ... Dubbs ... so I figured we was all set .... I mean Im the President ... I dont need to score my own smoke."

The White House maintains that the administration was delivering a "There is no fire without some smoke" message to Pakistan, which had supported the Taliban all hopped up on smack and opium. "This administration is not really down with the hard stuff" said White House Press Secretary Tony, "I mean not during the work week anyway ... but hey I came here from FOX News ... that place is like a Phish Concert -- you think we come up with those graphics NOT stoned."

Bush, standing alongside Musharraf in the East Room, endorsed their new understanding of getting stoned. No Sharia adultresses ... No F-16s pulverizing Tora Bora -- just two presidents -- Christian and Muslim -- keeping it real Biblical Ganja Style.

" Psalms 104:14," says "He causeth the grass to grow for the cattle, and herb for the service of man." -- quoted President Bush ... and you know Jesus is my favorite philosopher."

When a reporter pointed out that the Psalms quote was actually Old Testament -and so pre-Jesus -- the President replied "Dude I'm so high "- and went out to get some Ben & Jerrys

Left alone with the Press President Musharraf closed out the conference with the following comments "When the president looks me in the eye and says, `The stone age deal is like have you never seen two people on pot get in a fight .... Its totally impossible. Hey Buddy ... Hey What ... Ummmmmm. End of Argument.

Take a hit of that. Anyone up for White Castle "

Pope and Muslims

Grumpy Old Indian Man — Sat, 23 Sep 2006 13:02:53 EDT

In a stunning bit of oxymoron logic inversion -- worthy of Dubbya himself -- Pakistani Foreign Ministry Spokeswoman Tasnim Aslam restated the premise for Pakistan's National Assembly unanimously demanding a papal retraction.

When Grumpy News asked the boggle-eyed henna junkie for further clarification Ms. Aslam the Pakistani Foreign Ministry Spokeswoman commented, " -- Yo Pope -- Call me violent ... Im gonna kick your ass!"

The Pope's citation from a late 14th-century dialogue on Christianity and Islam has been widely quoted in the press with emphasis on Islam's bringing "only evil and inhuman" things to the world theological table.

The Vatican Office on Outreach to the Muslim World has issued a statement saying "Obviously we are sorry for any offence given. Everyone knows 14th century religion was all good. Like a Tupperware Party in a Unitarian basement full of Quakers. What's wrong with a Little Peace, Love and Understanding, y'all."

Amidst calls from Muslim Scholars for the Pope's removal Benedict himself has called for a meeting.

"I hope Tasnim comes to the meeting ... 'cause I need to know how she gets that brassy post Haj shine on her 'do. I really don't think this white is working for me anymore -- you know just 'cause there's snow on the roof don't mean Dante's Inferno isn't burning downstairs. I think its time to change it up." When asked about his possible removal Benedict replied " Mecca Bending Miggaz need to back up -- or they gonna need to remove my red Prada loafers from they ass. I'm the Pope Be-yotch"