Desicritics Author: Dipta Chaudhuri

The Complete Works of Sipla Poppadum aka Shilpa Shetty

Dipta Chaudhuri — Thu, 1 Feb 2007 08:14:55 EST

There has been a general surge in resentment over the millions of pounds Ms. Shilpa Shetty stands to gain post her tabloid-conquering performance in London. There is also a general feeling that this is largely undeserved.

In order to convince the world in general, and Jade Goody in specific, about the histrionic skills of the goddess they call Sipla Poppadum, I thought there is an immediate need for a critical appreciation of her body of work (more body than work, some might snigger uncharitably but remember, she is the one sitting on a pile of money, not them).

So, here is a quick take on the Hindi films of Shilpa Shetty. I am told that she has an equally impressive list in Telugu as well, but alas, that remains inaccessible to me.

Baazigar - She started her film career with a fling. Over the parapet, that is. Her six-foot body and Kajol's bushy eyebrows got lost in the manic villainy of SRK. The film picked up from where she died and it was a quiet debut - as Kajol took the meat of the film and SRK the publicity.

Aag - After the brief dalliance in a swimsuit in Baazigar, Shilpa flaunted her figure like a mad woman in this film. She was supposed to playing a village belle, but if village belles dressed and talked like her, then you would have had a million real-life Swades-es happening in India!

Main Khiladi Tu Anari - Long before SRK played the Don, Shilpa did it in this film. Dancer Mona (who is Shakti Kapoor's moll) is killed atop a lighthouse, while Akshay Kumar looks on. Enter street dancer, Bijli (with a song that goes, "Khulla hain darwaza, saajan tu aaja aaajaa aaajaaa...") - who is a look-alike of Mona. The dehati Bijli is trained into sophisticated Mona by film star Saif and she is sent back to Shakti to do a spying act. Complete with the memory loss, even! Mona ka intezaar...

Aao Pyaar Karen - Saif, in his pre Langda Tyagi (or for that matter, pre-metrosexual days) was this longhaired wimp who sang songs about his mehbooba ki roomal. It had the standard rich-boy-poor-girl-rich-girl formula, with Shilpa being the servant of the household and Somy Ali being the spoilt brat.

Hathkadi - This is the film of the classic song, which goes something like this: Annu Malik singing LML Baba LML, hone they baba LML, Let's Make Love Bay-bay. (Yes, LML stands for Let's Make Love!). And then, the Shilpa Shetty character retorting GTH Baba GTH, Go To Hell etc etc. Ah such poetry... Sahir Ludhaianvi would have died of envy!

Himmat - Sunny Deol, playing a secret agent with a whole lot of missile technology doing the rounds. Shilpa is a femme fatale trying to do Sunny in, till such time her zameer awakens and she turns out to be a desh ka sachcha sipahi as well. There may or may not have been another heroine.

Chhote Sarkar - Govinda, pretending to be Shilpa's boyfriend, because her real one has died. Usual mistaken identity shit.

Mr. Romeo - No recollection. Could be the dubbed version of one of the Telugu hits.

Auzaar - Salman Khan and Sanjay Kapoor are college friends, who end up being a police officer and a mafia don respectively. Shilpa played Sanjay Kapoor's wife.

Zameer: The Awakening of a Soul - For some inexplicable reason, Shilpa did two movies with Flop Guru Sanjay Kapoor - and that too, back to back! Both of them sank without a trace! The plot, you ask? Does the director himself know of it?

Prithvi - Sorry, no clue!

Gambler - Govinda is in the title role. He plays a corrupt cop who is diagnosed with a terminal disease. To make best use of the short time, he turns into this supercop and kills all the baddies in record time. And then of course, the doctor says that the reports had gotten mixed up so he is not dying after all! It also had the greatest song lyrics in the history of Indian cinema, sung by then-sensation Devang Patel, one line of which goes - "Mera daddu pehne diaper, chashme par unke wiper..." I sing this line even now as I am changing my son's diapers! What did Shilpa do in this mess? Beats me!

Aakrosh - Copy of Kindergarten Cop, with Sunil Shetty doing the Arnie role and Shilpa the teacher. Had a hit song which went, "Hello hello bolke, tere aage peeche dolke..."

Pardesi Babu - Nobody saw this film. But everybody heard the hit song - "It Happens Only In India, Dhikichikidhikichiki..." - where Govinda rhymes bindiya with India.

Lal Baadshah - Shilpa's first and last film with the Big B - which also had Manisha Koirala playing an insurance agent (of all things)! I remember Prem Chopra, Nirupa Roy, Mukesh Rishi, some of the other usual culprits - and Shilpa in an item number kind of song ("Koi hain dil lene wala, koi hain dil dene wala... I like your dance baby, dance baby..." sung by Sudesh Bhonsle), but I can't - for the life of me - cannot remember what her role was.

Shool - She came. She danced. She looted. Then the others came! In this angry film starring Manoj Bajpai (fighting Sayaji Shinde's Bihari politician), Shilpa did the "Main aayi hoon UP Bihar lootne" item number and the Cow Belt was never the same again! Incidentally, Punjab Kesari (one of the leading Hindi newspapers of the day headlined Shilpa's Big Brother victory with "UP Bihar ke baad London loota Shilpa ne."

Tarkieb - Murder mystery? Political thriller? Business saga? Even Shilpa is not sure!

Jung - In Bengali, Jung means rust. My rusted memory cannot place this movie!

Dhadkan - Her biggest hit, which was a love triangle co-starring Akshay Kumar and Suneil Shetty. In a tangential reference to the myths, director Dharmesh Darshan likened the story to Ramayan, by saying Ravan loved Seeta as much as Ram, only his methods were dubious! Confused completely? Join the club! Some typical Nadeem-Sharavan hits, some Dharmesh Darshan melodrama and a decidedly over-the-top Sunil Shetty (hell-bent on getting the Best Villain awards) were the questionable ingredients of this hit. Shilpa was styled by Manish Malhotra for the first time and looked like a million dollars.

Indian - Sunny Deol, in yet another film, tries to (and probably succeeds!) pulverize the entire nation of Pakistan into mincemeat and make kakori kababs out of them. I am sure posters of this film still adorn dhaba walls in Punjab with Sunny-paaji garlanded! Shilpa is hidden behind the garlands.

Junoon - Not Shyam Benegal. Not Rahul Roy. Some other exercise in forgettability!

Badhaai Ho Badhaai - A film about some vague kind of family feud (oh no - not again!) in which a super-fat Anil Kapoor lands up to do the patch-up. Anil Kapoor's fat act held curiosity only till the trailers and the film sank abominably. Shilpa had some Punjabi dialogues in this film... now, is that informative or is that informative? Some more trivia - the guy who did Eddie Murphy's makeup in Nutty Professor worked in this film as well. What a waste of foreign exchange!

Hathyar - This is supposed to the sequel to Vaastav, and Shilpa is Sanjay Dutt's wife. This Sanjay is the son of the Vaastav Sanjay Dutt. Unlike Vaastav, this film collapsed at the box office and the only memorable feature is Sanjay Dutt's name - Boxer bhai. There was a tapori-style song also on the name. And it also has the anthem of drunkards - "Bewafaa bar mein..."

Rishtey - Anil Kapoor and Karisma split after having a baby son, who gets to stay with the street-fighter (WWE style) father. Shilpa is the bombshell Marathan in the koli-style saree, who secretly loves Anil. Usual Indra Kumar potboiler with lots of cheap humour and clashing cymbals in every scene!

Karz - The only Karz I know is the one in which Monty Oberoi remembers his past life when a particular guitar riff is played!

Darna Mana Hai - Shilpa played a housewife in one of the episodes, which would also be the most tangential of the six! It was about a housewife around whom everyone starts turning into apples (after eating one)! Yes, you read that correctly. The climax of the story had Shilpa running down an empty street littered with apples! Kabhi kabhi Ramopal Verma bhi...

Chor Machaaye Shor - A Xerox copy of the Hollywood movie in which a thief hides his loot in a construction lot and goes to jail. When he returns to collect, there is a police station built there. Bobby Deol was the thief. First heroine Bipasha Basu in a tight police officer's costume took away all the attention from Shilpa, who played the Police Commissioner's Daughter. Made famous by Sridevi in Aakhri Raasta, this character makes repeated appearances in Hindi cinema as a comic-relief-providing bimbo, usually in love with the hero and generally screwing up investigative procedures.

Garv: Pride and Honour - Salman played a bombastic encounter cop - Arjun Ranawat - in this movie directed by Puneet Issar. Shilpa was a perfect eye-candy in between all the blood, gore and Salman kicking the CM! She flaunted her figure, sang songs in exotic locales and looked suitably stoic in the emotional scenes.

Phir Milenge - A remake of Philadelphia, with Shilpa playing the Tom Hanks character and Abhishek Bachchan the Denzel Washington one. Apparently, a sensitive film by Revathi, this belongs to that brand of cinema that everybody praises, but nobody watches. Shilpa was nominated for Best Actress at the Filmfare awards. There is also Salman lurking somewhere in the vicinity but I am not sure where he stayed in Philadelphia!

Khamosh: Khauff Ki Raat - This was a murder movie with an ensemble cast, which had Shilpa playing a sort of a street-walker in fishnet stockings. But I am sure, she was doing it for her mother's treatment and brother's education. There was a lot of shrieking and screaming by her, as seen in the trailers. This was directed by Deepak Tijori, of all people!

Fareb - Her first (and hopefully, last!) film with sister Shamita Shetty, in which they both vie for the attentions of Manoj Bajpai. But for God's sake - why? Abhishek, I understand. Hrithik, I understand. But why Manoj Bajpai? It is an infidelity drama, with Shilpa playing the wronged wife and Shamita the femme fatale. Or was it the other way round? Who cares - except Manoj Bajpai!

Dus - Shilpa ended the era of Hindi film heroines' days of flying kisses with flying kicks as she played a Lara Croft kind of law enforcement officer - in tight black costumes and no-nonsense lines. Unfortunately, she got smothered by the plethora of stars around her - especially Abhishek Bachchan, who died spectacularly to hog all the limelight. Otherwise, her athletic fight scenes would have had a few clones!

Shaadi Karke Phas Gaya Yaar - Her most recent release, starring Salman, is a deep, sensitive portrayal of the resultant angst of a mismatched urban marriage. Holy crap - actually, this dinosaur of a movie was some 48 million years in the making and Salman's hairstyle changes in almost every scene, each of which were shot about a year apart!

Apne - This is one of her forthcoming films, in which she is slated to share screen space with three Deols - Sunny, Bobby and Daddy. Abhay is presumably scared of the profusion of muscles in the film and has buzzed off. Wonder what Shilpa is going to do. But she is most likely to kiss the Deols goodbye and say hello to the Douglases from now on, so...

Metro - One more of her forthcoming releases, the producers of which are already salivating over the prospect of breaking KANK's Great Britain box office records.

There.

And remember, chicken curry rules!

Master of the Game: The Novels of Sidney Sheldon

Dipta Chaudhuri — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 13:30:05 EST

The first Sidney Sheldon novel I read was The Windmills of the Gods in 1987. I finished it in about 6 hours, which is about the longest I have taken to finish a Sidney Sheldon novel. Blame it on my slow reading speed! Mary Ashley, a political science professor from Kansas is chosen by the new American President to be the US Ambassador to Romania. There is widespread resentment over the appointment. When she reaches Romania for the assignment, she meets two men (and falls in love with one) and learns the fact that there is an assassin out to kill her. It was a breathtaking read – pacy and sexy – quite unsuitable for Class VIII students. And it was loaded with all the standard Sheldon signature tunes, which hooked me to the rest of his novels as well.

Except for A Stranger In the Mirror (which was based on a male Hollywood star) and The Doomsday Conspiracy (which was based on a crash landed UFO), each one of his novels followed the life of a woman and his pet themes religiously. And boy, did I devour them! The period between 1988 and 1992 was dedicated to Sheldon’s roller coasters and I went through them as if my life depended on it. A counterfeit novel, The Pavid Pavilion also did brisk business at the height of this craze, though 5 pages into the novel, one could make out that it had neither the pace nor the inventiveness of the original. It was only from Nothing Lasts Forever that the speed slackened a bit and my interest waned. And that is evident from the fact that I don’t even remember the plot, let alone the names of the main characters from any of his later novels. I read them more out of habit than anything else. Probably from his background as a screenwriter for television, Sidney Sheldon wrote in episodes and with a battery of contrasting leads. Each one of his novels explored the professional and personal lives of the protagonists through a series of tightly paced events.

So, what went into a Sidney Sheldon novel?

Firstly, a heroine who looks certain to fail in an unfamiliar job.

Tracy Whitney was a super-intelligent bank executive with a flair for acting. She ended up being a con-woman with her capers across the world (If Tomorrow Comes). Jennifer Parker was a lawyer, whose first assignment was a complete disaster and the district attorney was out to get her. She ended up being one of the most successful lawyers of the country (Rage of Angels). Noel Page was a small-town French girl, who wanted to act. She became an international star and the mistress of a Greek tycoon (The Other Side of Midnight). Kate Blackwell used her acumen and intelligence to inherit one of the largest corporations of the world (Master of the Game). Elizabeth Roffe is fresh out of college, when he father dies to leave her in control of a crumbling pharmaceutical company (Bloodline).

Several times, the morality of the lead characters became ambiguous. Tracy Whitney was a thief and the ‘villain’ was an investigator (and the Interpol). Jennifer Parker fought cases for the mafia. In The Sands of Time, the ‘villain’ is the general who was chasing the Basque terrorists. But then, if the stories had been morality tales, they wouldn’t have been half as readable!

Two contrasting male characters – one insolent (iconoclastic) and the other sensitive (traditional).

The second recurring theme of the novels. Rage of Angels had Adam Warner, who deserts Jennifer to become the President of USA. It also had Micheal Moretti as a ruthless Mafia boss, who becomes her saviour, lover and employer (in that order). The Other Side of Midnight had Larry Douglas, who is a Casanova of a RAF pilot and deserts all the women he beds. It also had Constantin Demiris as one of the richest men in the world. Someone once told me that the character was based on Aristotle Onasis but then, how many other Greek tycoons are there anyway? The Windmills of the Gods had Mike Slade, a CIA operative in Romania who openly antagonized Mary Ashley. There was also a French doctor called Louis Deforges, with whom the heroine falls in love. Master of the Game had a whole lot of them. The father, husband and son of Kate Blackwell were all characters of great charisma and ruthlessness. Some of them left her, some got betrayed by her. The twist in the tale is that usually one betrays/deserts the heroine. The other doesn’t. Examples of these are best avoided!

The nerd/wimp of a male character who is secretly in love with the heroine.

Memories of Midnight had this genius (called Wim, I think) who was a bit of a recluse and an autistic. If Tomorrow Comes had this brilliant insurance investigator called Daniel Cooper, who trailed Tracy to catch her red handed during her capers. Rage of Angels’ Jennifer had a gay investigative assistant, who also acts as her conscience in the book. Master of the Game had Banda – but in this case, I think the heroine was a little bit in love with him. Of course, Master of the Game also had this talented plastic surgeon, who was in love with one of the twins (the evil one of Eve & Alexandra Blackwell) in the last part of the novel.

The episodic narration, in exotic locales, peppered with local trivia and slang.

This was probably the biggest draw. Each one of his novels is a series of events pulled off by the heroine. Rage of Angels had at least 20 very clever court cases, fought successfully by Jennifer. If Tomorrow Comes rattles off a series of heists – involving paintings, gemstones and millionaires – all of which were so ingenious that as a teenager, one inevitably had the feeling of why-didn’t-I-think-of-it-before! Ditto for The Sands of Time, where a Basque terrorist (Jaime Miro) and the four nuns (all of whom are not nuns) escape the brutal police looking for them. Nothing Lasts Forever was the story of four lady doctors and again, there was a plethora of funny, racy, pacy medical adventures they were involved in. As teenagers, we were left gasping for breath as the protagonists went from one episode to another, from the ‘bedroom to the boardroom’ (to quote the blurbs!) and nobody dared to put down the book without finishing. In fact, whenever the titles got circulated in class, about 14 of us managed to read it in as many days – one night being enough to gulp down the 400-pagers!

What exotic locales these events happened in – Spain, Cote D’Azure, South African diamond mines, private Greek islands, Hollywood studios, Swiss villas, luxury cruise liners. Even a New York courtroom felt like an amphitheatre. And the equally exotic characters - US fighter pilots, Russian chess masters, Belgian art dealers, African tribal leaders, Colombian assassins. All these fascinating characters spoke affected English, with a smattering of their own tongue. I marveled at the research, till I came across an Indian patient (in Nothing Lasts Forever) called Pandit Jawaha, whose supposedly Hindi sentences were almost gibberish.

The quote at the beginning of the book, one from which the title is taken.

Longfellow’s lines kicked off The Sands of Time and A Stranger in the Mirror. The formula for an Egyptian medicinal mixture kicked off Bloodline (which was about a pharmaceutical company). The eponymous nursery rhyme kicked off The Sky is Falling.

And my favourite – “We are all victims, Anselmo. Our destinies are decided by the whims of the stars, a cosmic roll of the dice and the vagrant breezes of fortune that blow from the windmills of the gods.”

Sidney Sheldon’s last few books hardly matched up to the reputation of his earlier ones. Either the episodes were not gripping enough, or they did not come fast enough. Or, the heroines were just not strong enough. But despite that, when an old fan tries to write down a few thoughts, the memories come in a torrent and without checking references, one manages to remember most of the names, locales and sequence of events. If you haven’t read it already, pick up If Tomorrow Comes the next time you are in an airport bookshop. Chances are they will have to page you to get you into the flight.