Desicritics Author: Aditya Kuber

Satire: What if Gangsters had Appraisals?

Aditya Kuber — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 10:13:38 EDT

Hindi films have documented well that there is a hierarchy in gangs. People move up the ranks, some move out (not in the conventional sense of the word, if you know what I mean) and others, well, retire (again, not in the conventional sense of the word). So how is the middle to senior management filled up?

It's not as vibrant a job market in that business. I mean, I haven't heard of a 'dhasujobs.com' where the D-Company advertises for hiring (maybe there's a good business model in there). So one has to conclude that there have to be appraisals.

Like any good company, the underworld companies too have divisions with regional heads and their bosses and independent businesses to handle. Each would have its own way of ranking performance. My imagination only shows me about six divisions: Murder, Extortion and Recovery, Hawala, Construction, Films and Politics. Let me know if you can think of any more!

So how do you think the Head of Murder division appraised his sharpshooter?

HoM: (To Hero.) Tera kya target tha is saal ka?

Hero: Sab target hit kiya boss. Ek bhi miss nahi kiya.

HoM: Kitna tha saale?

Hero: Main thodi ginta hai. Ginti se kam hota hai boli maa. Tum ungli dikhata hai, appun ghoda chalata hai.

HoM: Ghoda ka baad mein.

Hero: Wo ghoda nahi, bandook ka ghoda.

HoM: Dekh. Saal ka start mein tereko 75 ka target tha. Tune total mein 102 maara. Bole to 34% overachieve kiya. But main sirf number nahin dekhta. Quality bhi important hai target ka.

Hero: Qwaltee ka kya? Mar gaya na. Bas.

HoM: Waise nahi. Q3 ka end tak tera sirf 44 hua tha. Phir last 3 mahine mein tu 58 kaise maara?

Hero: Wo big boss ka male aaya na. Wo samjhaya mereko ye target ka dhandha.

HoM: Isliye tu andu-pandu ko udaya? 58 mein se 30 ka to supari bhi nahi mila tha apne ko. Abhi Extortion wale ko wo extra target mila na. Kuch hua nahi to tera hi supari niklega.

Hero: Extortion wale ka kya hai. Phone karta hai aur mereko ko bhagna padta hai. Main apna kaam kum kiya. Abhi uska target nahi hua wo mera problem nahi hai.

HoM: Lekin 12 film wale kyon maare? Do poora film band ho gaya wo Films dept. ka.

Hero: Unka kya hai bhai... extortion ko bola, do phone kiya, chaar log wapas khada ho gaya.

HoM: Bahut gadbad kiya re tu. Teen builder ko kyon maara? Supari ek ka hi tha.

Hero: Recovery wala khaali baitha tha. Wo bola thoda kaam chahiye. Uska target kamti pad raha tha. Thoda help kiya. Mereko mangta tabhi wo help kar dega.

HoM: Saale end mein tera 72 hi hua. Baki ka supari milega to agle saal mein adjust karenge. Lekin naya policy aaya hai. Extra target carry over nahi hota aur shortfall hota hai.

Hero: Matlab?

HoM: Tera agla saal ka original target tha 90. Is saal ka 3 kamti hai. So abhi target hai 93.

Hero: Teen kamti? 93? Saale ye cheating hai.

HoM: Gaali nahi. Tera abhi ka pagaar hai Rs 50,000 per month. Is saal kharab performance hai. Apna lawyers ko extra 20 case aaya tera wajah se. Tera score to 2.3/5 hai re. Interpersonal skills mein worst. Bahut goli chalata hai bole sab.

Hero: Pagar badha ke nahi?

HoM: Rs 2,500 cut. Plus petrol allowance abhi sirf Rs 1,200. Aur mahine ka sirf 25 bullet.

Hero: Kya? Aur target 93? Bole to mahine mein 8 tapkane ka? Bole to har hit ke liye sirf 3 bullet? Bhai, sab shot pass se nahin hota... long range ka kya?

HoM: Practice kar. Rubber bullet se.

Hero: Kayko... Idhar live target hai na... short range... Bang!

***More departments coming soon. We are still awaiting the inputs from the various HODs.***

Indian Cricket: Twenty20 Next!

Aditya Kuber — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 01:34:56 EDT

The real World Cup of cricket begins in September. With focus shifting on to the Twenty20 stage, the ongoing tournament is being seen as a fine warm-up for the big event to be held in South Africa in September.

How I wish that were true...

But in any case, the draw for the inaugural T/20 WC has been announced and it pits India and Pakistan in the same group for the first round. Roweda Kandan, the Cricket South Africa official tasked with overseeing the Twenty20 World Cup confirmed the groups for the tournament which will see the 12 qualifying nations split into four groups of three.

"The groups have been confirmed and the final fixtures are at the ICC for approval at the moment," Kandan said. "There have been a number of proposed revisions, so we will wait on them to review these and make a decision on them."

The format of the group stages will see the top two teams in each group go through to the Super8s; from there the top 4 teams will progress to the semi finals. Warm-up matches are slated for Saturday, September 8th and Sunday, September 9th. Normally this is to allow the teams to acclimatise to the local conditions but for most nations these warm up games will be their only taste of Twenty20 cricket this year.

India will make its foray into serious T/20 cricket in April with the launch of a domestic season and it would be a good idea for some of the World Cup team members to take part and make an impact. There do seem to be enough players suited to this form of the game and once again, on paper, India should do well.

Can India make a mark at least here? When will they take this version seriously? ODI cricket is passe! Sigh!

News Courtesy: Cricket20

Indian Cricket: A Fan Continues to Believe...

Aditya Kuber — Sun, 7 Jan 2007 00:41:58 EST

Being an Indian cricket fan sure has its pitfalls. Far too often has the fan started believing in the team only to be let down soon after. The current tour of South Africa has been a little different but seems like it would end like any other overseas tour for the Indian fan.

After the humiliation of the ODI series, India were not even outside contenders for the Test series. (Almost) Every fan expected them to turn up, make the numbers, roll over and play dead. Unfortunately for South Africa, that is happening only in the last Test!

For reasons that can only be explained by saying "because it's the Indian team", they have decided they do not want to win this one. Believe me, the way they were playing until late in the second Test, they ought to have wrapped up the series right there in Durban. But the last two South Africa partnerships in both innings cost India the match. That was vintage India (sarcasm intended, in case you missed it).

(As you may have guessed by now, I shall refrain from singing paeans about "How the first Test was won".)

Come the third Test and there seemed to be some fight still left in the Indian team (a rare occurrence). And so they reached all of 250-off for 3 at the end of Day 1. Great visions were being conjured by us, namely the Indian fan, of how we shall bat on for another day, put up a score in excess of 600 runs and call the shots from there on. We, however, overlooked one Indian performance that was yet to make an appearance on this tour: the collapse.

If the rise of the team in the first Test-and-a-half was inexplicable, the collapse was even more baffling. From running the game, they ended up folding for 414 and as I write this, are struggling hard to (a) save the game and (b) catch their flight back to India which supposedly leaves a couple of hours after scheduled close of play. Thank you, BCCI!

So what happened between the first and the final Tests that India are facing defeat? Obviously, the team refused to introspect and make the hard decisions. An out of form Sehwag played, scored 40 on an easy pitch, came to open in the second innings, threw his wicket away and India had lost the momentum. Even rain on the final day was not enough to stave off defeat (and I write this at the start of the final session before the match is actually over. Is it over before it's over?).

Rahul Dravid was woefully out of form and perhaps it was about time this happened. The Law of Averages had to catch up sometime, and the time was this. Unfortunate for India, but that's the way it goes. For reasons (yet again, inexplicable) beyond me, Anil Kumble decided that the he will try and spin the ball from leg to off and insisted on a leg stump line. This when defending 500 is ok but not the brightest plan when the opposition is chasing only 211.

Sachin Tendulkar seems to be having an identity crisis. He seems unable to make up his mind about whether he should attack or defend. As a result, India has a middle order that is out of form, out of sorts, on a comeback (Ganguly) and unsure of its place (Laxman).

As an Indian fan, I can tell myself that India won an away Test and put up a brave fight in a country it is routinely routed in. And this could be the start. But I also know that this was as good a chance as any to win a real away series. (With all due respect, the Windies were worse at home in June than we are when playing away).

A rare away series win is still far away. Let's not kid ourselves. Tendulkar, Ganguly, Dravid and Kumble are on their last legs. Another four years and none of these guys would be around. The next set of players will take time to come to terms with the vagaries of international cricket and be in a position that today's seniors are in - high on experience, reputation and an innate understanding of what it will take to win away from home (having almost made it in 2003 in Australia and having completely done it in June in the Windies).

India has squandered its best chance and my prediction unless it pours in the next five minutes is a 5- or 6-wicket win for South Africa.

But I will continue to believe in my team. I have full faith in them for the World Cup. I just hope they make the tough decisions. Please. Until then, time to pull out the India vs Pakistan, 2003 World Cup DVD. It's as close as we can get to a win in SA this time...

[Editor's note: At the time of publication, India did manage to lose the series 1-2 to South Africa.]

Cricket: Where Does Australia Go From Here?

Aditya Kuber — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 02:25:38 EST

First it was Martyn. Then went Warnie. Then it will be McGrath. That leaves the current Australian team with only a few seasoned campaigners, all of whom are well into their 30s. Let's face it, Ponting's not exactly young at 32. Neither are Gilchrist, Hayden or even Hussey for that matter. Maybe Hussey has the most time left.

But 12 months down the line, the Australian line-up could well look dramatically different...

Australia Test XI in Perth (3rd Test, Ashes 2006)

1. Matthew Hayden (35 yrs)
2. Justin Langer (36 yrs)
3. Ricky Ponting (32 yrs)
4. Michael Hussey (31 yrs)
5. Michael Clarke (25 yrs)
6. Andrew Symonds (31 yrs)
7. Adam Gilchrist (35 yrs)
8. Shane Warne (37 yrs; retiring for sure)
9. Brett Lee (30 yrs)
10. Stuart Clark (31 yrs)
11. Glenn McGrath (36 yrs; retiring for sure)

This would remain largely unchanged (perhaps with the exception of Andrew Symonds) till the final Ashes Test, but the next Test Australia will play after that would see a very different side indeed...

1. Matthew Hayden Any takers?
2. Justin Langer Any takers?
3. Ricky Ponting
4. Michael Hussey
5. Michael Clarke
6. Andrew Symonds He may HAVE to play!
7. Adam Gilchrist (?) How long?
8. Shane Warne Stuart MacGill?
9. Brett Lee
10. Stuart Clark
11. Glenn McGrath Shane Watson?

This makes only five of the current 11 certain starters (subject to fitness, form and selection). Not a nice situation to be in. What's worse is that none of the new crop would get a chance to be groomed alongside the two great bowlers. And let's face it, Brett Lee isn't exactly mentoring material yet. He himself has a long way to go before he can be considered someone who can groom upcoming bowlers.

The average age of the current Australian side is 32 and a half years! And if they keep blooding players at 31, that will always remain the case. But so long as they are winning, what's wrong with that?

The trouble is that at some point, they would run out of experienced quality players who can be called up from domestic cricket to face the vagaries of the international scene. Just take a look at the differences of the careers of Michael Hussey and Michael Clarke. Both bat in the middle order and both have had some good times. But after a rousing start, Clarke fell away and was on the sidelines for a short while. Which is when Hussey came in. To be honest, they are both captain material as well and Australia would do well by appointing the younger one as the next captain. Ponting should perhaps start the 'grooming' process immediately, if he already hasn't.

One generation of Australian cricketers has perhaps already missed the boat. People like Hussey and Clark (Stuart) are lucky that they got a chance so late. Clark owes it to the burned out Gillespie while Hussey owes it in part to Steve Waugh, Andrew Symonds and maybe even Michael Clarke!

The future doesn't look too promising and while the larder may not exactly be bare, it appears rather thinly populated at this point. For most names that are often discussed or recommended are in the 'late bloomers' category.

In some way, this is following the trend that the great West Indian side of the '80s faced. The last two of that legacy, Walsh and Ambrose, had to struggle to keep it going. Australia may well be headed down the same path unless they take some risks in the short term and set things right for the long term. A crop of players like they have had over the last 20 years is rare and even by their standards, it will become rarer again.

One hopes that in the rarified air of high success, they don't lose sight of the crowd at the bottom that is perhaps ready to be given a chance.

India's Cricket Defeat - What Did They Learn?

Aditya Kuber — Mon, 4 Dec 2006 09:28:08 EST

The recent drubbing of India in South Africa would qualify as the worst ever in recent memory. Normally, touring teams have managed at least one win. Although, the more recent ones under Sourav Ganguly had gotten the fans used to much more. Like winning. But that's not the point. In true Indian sense, let me say "we competed". Or did we?
I really think there's no point in looking back at the matches and trying to figure out who's fault it was that India lost. It's pointless because it cannot change the result. What needs to be done is understand what India learned from this ignominous defeat. I think (actually, hope) there is a lot that the team learned.

1. The team cannot change at a whim: Irfan Pathan had some success as a No. 3 batsman in ODIs and then, was shunted down suddenly. Any explanations? If loss of form was the reason, shouldn't he have been given more chances? All that this move achieved was a loss of confidence for Pathan. And then the bowling went downhill. Moral: Let players get used to a spot. And let them try to make it their own. I think it's called solidity in a batting/bowling order.

2. Who is the captain?: Is it the coach or the on-field appointed captain who will take the tough calls? For the first time in a long time, India looked like a team without a captain. Dravid was listless and Sehwag looked like he would prefer to be anywhere else. A strong captain like Ganguly brought much more to the table (or field) than batting capability. And Mark Taylor of Australia was another perfect example of a captain being an inspirational leader despite poor batting form.

3. Flexibility needs to be introduced: This point may look like I contradict what I say in point 1, but let me explain: Point 1 would have to hold true when you have a winning streak or the team is in good form. In a slump like India is experiencing right now, the batting needs to be shuffled around. MS Dhoni looks like the only batsman who has any clue about what he's doing. Maybe offering him more than 20 overs (he did get it, so no problem!) that he may at the end of the innings could be wiser. So when (not if) Sehwag and Sachin fail, having an in-form batsman come in early could help the team. It may also have a positive impact on other batters to follow. I mean, what was the point of sending in VVS Laxman at No. 3 when he had arrived in SA just 48 prior to the game? And then, the media takes off again!

4. Bowlers need to know where to bowl: This is something that has long been the bane of Indian bowling. The spinners bowl too quick and the quicks are not quick enough. This may work out well on the dustbowls of the subcontinent, but on faster tracks like the ones in SA, length and line plays a bigger role than pace and our bowlers seemed totally lost on where to bowl. Except for Zaheer Khan, no one seemed to have any idea where to bowl.

5. Batsmen need to show some spine: Enough has been written and said about the lack of ability of Indian batsmen when playing on non-batting friendly pitches. But when you have some really big names in your team, are they not expected to buckle down, understand the conditions and then play well? Why else are the professionals? Over the years, there have been too many batting failures. Former players (who now spend too much time criticising current players) would do well to remember their mistakes when touring. And it would also help if they went out of their way to help out the current crop. Wisdom is good after you have retired. What good is it if it cannot help anybody? Despite that, though, the current 'greats' need to work things out on their own. If this was their first trip to SA, it would be one thing. But most senior players are on at least their 2nd if not third tour. And despite that, if they are going to play like rookies, may as well let some rookies play. At least some beginner's luck may work things in India's favour!

6. Fans need to be patient: It is a fan's right to criticise the team. Or is it his privilege? As supporters of the team, Indian fans need to show some restraint. Writing this after a 0-4 drubbing may be the wrong time, but fan discomfort was visible right after India lost the 2nd ODI. Sure there were a string of bad performance prior to that which would have triggered this off, but still... And fans should not barge into dressing rooms at any cost.

7. Media needs to know when to stop: Going after out-of-form players is a good way to fill pages and TV time. But the way the media has taken off against the current crop, it would appear that India were on the verge of annihilation and not in Cricket! Very little positive has come out and while it's not all without reason, there could well be a reason to be a little more 'circumspect' on what's written. Sure most would not agree with this point, but think of the impact it has on the team. For instance, VVS Laxman's performance should not be an indicator of his capability. He has been there for just 48 hours and may not have even got out of jet lag, leave alone getting used to the conditions.

I think we all agree and know that India performed below par. There did not seem to be any good reason for the team selected was good based on the capability. But a fact of life is that at least 12 of the 15 in this group will represent India in the upcoming World Cup.

So will tearing them to shreds help? Or would being a little positive with the criticism be a better idea?

The Indian Cricket Crisis - Living On Hope

Aditya Kuber — Sun, 26 Nov 2006 10:51:08 EST

India is on another tour of South Africa, a country where their record, for all practical purposes, is non-existent. And they lost one of the tour practice games before capitulating in the second ODI at Durban. Since that loss, the Indian media has worked overtime to impress the fact that this is bunch of underperforming, overpaid cricketers who need to be pulled up. Not just the media, even politicians have jumped into the fray. Anything for a minute of fame, I think!

But the farce has gone so far, that there are reports of this being an issue in Parliament two days ago. And as a result, the BCCI President, Sharad Pawar has asked the chief of selectors Dilip Vengsarkar to visit the team in South Africa and "convey the feelings of the countrymen".

Don't they know yet how their fans feel when they lose spinelessly? Vengsarkar is the one to have chosen this group and for his part, he has done a good job. The onus is on the players on the field, the captain and the coach to now win. Despite all of Chappell's claims that "there is a plan behind all the experiments", it gets tougher to believe that with every loss. And there have been a lot of those of late!

What is most baffling is the fact that this is the same team that went to the West Indies, made a mess of a winning streak in ODIs and has been allowed to go on for two series (DLF Cup and Champions Trophy) after that. Why haven't any heads rolled? The ready excuse now is that this is the core of the team and any disruptions would only have a negative impact on team morale and performance. I seriously doubt that, though. It cannot get any worse. No change could possible make it any worse. The only thing that could be worse is if India were to fall for 90 after making some radical changes. And if this is the bunch going for the World Cup, there must be a plan only the coach knows of.

Perhaps then, this is reverse psychology where the coach and captain want the world to believe that India is such a bad team that there is no chance in hell they could ever win. Once lulled into a false sense of security, most teams (the coach and captain of India would expect) would play below potential and India can pounce on them and win. Yeah, right. That's as true as my good looks!
While I go on questioning this group of cricketers in South Africa, let me add that I do not question their talent or ability. It's just the mental preparedness that is lacking. They seem to preempt short, rising deliveries that aren't there. In a way, it's akin to teams visiting the subcontinent when their batsmen seem to think every ball is going to turn a foot and a half! It's all about the mind now (as the linked story says!).

After all this talk, though, the questions stand: What can this team do? Will they win at all? Can they regroup? Will all this criticism amount to anything positive?
One wishes and lives on hope!

And Mumbai Goes Down Under Again!

Aditya Kuber — Tue, 4 Jul 2006 03:41:41 EDT

Another monsoon and yet again, Mumbai has come to a standstill. What a shame! For a city that is touted to be the financial nerve centre of not just India, but Southeast Asia, four days of rains is enough to wash it away. Figuratively anyway.

So all the tall claims by the Chief Minister of Maharashtra Vilasrao Deshmukh have come to nought. Ditto for the BMC. Thankfully, the rains are not as bad as they were last year and that is the only reason that things are still somewhat in control. But the forecast for July 4 and 5 is heavy to very heavy rains and that does not sound good.

The problem of Mumbai and its people is that they are accommodating. Too accommodating. They let migrants settle down. They let in just about anyone who wants to come over and make a life. As a result, the roads have become inadequate, the public transport insufficient and the quality of life, poor.

Mumbai pays a great deal of India's income tax. What does it get in return? If my memory serves me right, some Rs 1,000 crore is all that was allotted after last year's floods. Like that's going to help any. Most if it would be required to grease the palms of the babus and ministers who worked to get the grant. What did the city get in return? Another year of floods? More apathy from the Centre?

When the Hon. Prime Minster comes to Mumbai and says it needs to be developed further, we all nod and agree and feel good. But has anyone asked what is being done? For the last three years, there has been planning going on to start work on the Mumbai Metro Rail. So far, not much beyond blueprints has happened. And doesn't look like it will go any further for another couple of years at least (I am an optimist, you see). So until then, continue to travel like sardines, dogs or cattle. Take your pick! The Mumbaikar will know what I refer to.

Does Mumbai deserve better? Sure. But why? Simply because it is big? Because a lot of money (business, films etc) resides here? Or because the residents of the city want it to be better? To some point, I can understand why there is nothing happening to improve the city. There is not enough pressure on the administration. Everyone in Mumbai is so busy that no one can take the time out to fight for the very city that provides their livelihood. Maybe because they know nothing will stop it from growing even more.

Perhaps Mumbai needs its own Medha Patkar. Move over, Dolly Thakore. Maybe a town planner is more required than the Kishen Mulchandani in white! Either way, the point is that the residents and businesses need to team up. If the BMC is impotent when it comes to tackling basic issues, maybe corporations (the size of Reliance or Tata) could step in and take over. Maybe it is time to privatise. Maybe it's time someone asked the resident. And threw out the immigrant. Maybe it's time roads were seen through the slums once again.

Maybe...

Movie Review: 36, China Town - Why-dunnit?

Aditya Kuber — Wed, 10 May 2006 07:29:34 EDT

***WARNING: SPOILERS

We all make mistakes. I also believe that we all are allowed our share of mistakes during our lifetime. We should, hence, err wisely, if I may say so. Therefore, watching 36, China Town would be a mistake 'wasted'. The directors have wasted one themselves!

Before I went for the movie itself, I was sceptical. And I said so. How good can a movie starring Shahid Kapur and Kareena Kapoor be? Obviously, not good at all. The plot is as inane and the acting, as 'hammy' as it can get. Set in Goa (yeah, right), the sets look straight out of the 1980s (remember Rakhwala?) and are tacky at best. Unfortunately, the same has to be said of the acting, direction and the cast.

So Shahid and Kareena want to spend more time together. This is real life we are talking about, by the way! So bam! They ask Abbas-Mustan to sign them up for this sorry excuse of a movie and spend a cool couple of months together. And get paid for it. Cost me Rs 200 for their vacation!

The story is simple. Isha Koppikar (Sonia Chang; Chang in Goa? Whatever) is the owner of a Casino and has a son who has been kidnapped/missing (this fact is not established as far as I was awake) for a while. She puts newspaper ads with his photo offering a reward of Rs 25 lakh. Shahid Kapur is an actor struggling in Mumbai. That he has a good Rs 10 lakh for a showreel (song happens here, btw) is a mystery deeper than the one the movie actually tackles. Kareena is a girl who has left home to be with her boyfriend in Mumbai and when she says "Let's get married", he coolly tells her to come back with Rs 50-60 lakh so he can start a business and if that is successful, they can marry. Why me?

These two are in a public place and Sonia Chang's son is generally wandering about (clean as any baby you may have ever seen despite crawling about and all) and these two chance upon him and become partners in his return and the prize money. Some nonsensical jokes, introduction of Paresh Rawal (warning: he is seen in only his undies for almost 5 mins in the movie and its not pretty), Johny Lever (ok performance), a half-naked Payal Rohatgi, Tanaz Currim (can't remember her new surname) and Upen Patel (Rocky the playboy. Whooppee!) later, it is time for samosas. Interval, you see.

Upen Patel is so rock solid that there are no expressions on his face. Almost. He does manage to move an eyebrow once in the second half (refer photo).

The point I make is that despite half the movie being over, the story has not moved. So finally, finally... there is a murder. Sonia Chang is killed and burgled. And of course, everyone is a suspect. And then there are twists, turns, alibis, romances and Akshaye Khanna. Why does he do these movies to himself?

The solution is as inane as you could ever imagine. I may as well give it away.

**SPOILER WARNING**

The butlers Mr and Mrs Lobo (I think they were Mr and Mrs) have done it. At this point, the movie seems to go into another realm altogether. Because I have left the theatre. Don't do this to yourself. Go catch Ice Age II again.

And did I mention the music is by Himesh Reshammiya? It's ok. But pretty similar to all his other songs. So if you have heard them once, it's ok. You've heard them all.

And We Will Return After These Un-sponsored Comments

Aditya Kuber — Sat, 6 May 2006 09:22:33 EDT

Kaya Clinic
Starring: Unknown voices
Following is the transcript of a radio ad for Kaya Skin Clinic:

Wife: Darling, how do I look?
Husband: Ummm... nice
W: Just nice?
H: Lovely
W: Only Lovely?
H: You look beautiful.
W: You know, that's what I like about you. It's 5 in the morning and you think I look beautiful.
H: You know, I mean it.
VO: Kaya Skin Clinic. For those who know beauty begins with skin and not make-up.

Just a few points:

1. Why in god's name is the poor husband being tested at 5 am?
2. Of course this is a trick question and there is no right answer.
3. Doesn't it sound like the wife is coercing the scripted answer out of him?
4. After getting two wrong answers (listen, if "nice" and "lovely" were correct, he would have gone back to sleep), he had to say the b-word---no, not boring or blasé but beautiful.
5. Doesn't she sound rather conceited? Why would you want to know how you look when you are just waking up? It's another thing if someone volunteers a compliment. But this is like extortion.
6. I wonder if other women approve of this ad? Doesn't it show women in poor light?

Earlier, I had written about a really ghastly Radio ad. Time to throw verbal darts at two pathetic TV spots. Both the ones I shall comment upon have superstars (lots of 'em) but no substance.

Pepsi TV
Starring: Shahrukh Khan, Priyanka Chopra, Kareena (same as Kareina) Kapoor and two 1.5l bottles of Pepsi. Support cast unknown.

There was a promo by Frooti about 2 years or so ago about a fictitous character Digen Verma. And it created a lot of hype. Because the ad simply asked "Who is Digen Verma?". The answer was "You". In a strange correlation of sorts, Pepsi TV was also built up similarly with Shahrukh Khan trying to tune his TV to receive "Pepsi TV". Hm. One was compelled to think whether Pepsi has indeed come up with their own channel... but then, the second part of the ad came and completely killed what seemed like an interesting concept.

"Pepsi peete peete jab aap TV dekhte hai, to usse Pepsi TV kehte hai".

Please. Someone save me. And why did one need Kareena (or is it Kareina) Kapoor (KKappoorr, whatever) and Priyanka Chopra to say this inane line? Logically (nowhere in the picture yet, hence I introduce it!), this would apply to all things. So if you are eating chana and drinking Pepsi while watching TV, it's "PepChana TV". Pepsi + Rum would make it "PepRum TV" and so on. You get the drift, right?

And this would also apply to watching TV when say, having tea or scratching yourself or you know, getting cosy with someone. The first two are ok and gross respectively, but the Information & Broadcasting Ministry would never allow the third. For it would be known as "Cosy TV" or "Necking TV" or "Make Out TV" depending on the level of activity you are indulging in.

And then one can have "PepSex" if one is so inclined? Now there are possibilities here. Imagine an ad of a hulk rubbing frozen Pepsi-ice, taken out of the tray, and amorously rubbing it over a model's hour-glass figure? There you have it "PepSex."

Now lets bring in a touch of science into this. Hopefully everyone is aware of the law of transitivity (for the non-scientifically-inclined, it says if a = b and b = c, then a = c). Now putting the logic and science to use (they work together so brilliantly, I tell you) we can infer that since Pepsi TV is what you see when drinking Pepsi and watching TV, and Make Out TV is well, you know what, and since that cannot be allowed, Pepsi TV also cannot exist. I wish. I would have been spared the insipid ads at least!

Lux Soap
Starring: Aishwarya Rai (cartoon also her) and three dumb-ass guys.

Aishwarya Rai just did the rather well-done ad for Coca-Cola (she is doing a better job of it in ads than the movies, eh? Perhaps a return to roots of sorts, what?) and then she agrees to do this: become a nymphomaniac-looking cartoon super heroine. Who flies around throwing frisbees.

Let's look at it positively, though. As a super heroine, what special powers does she possess? Frisbee throwing is one we know. The other is the ability to bathe (d-uh, this is for a soap) and the third would have to be switch between real and cartoon life at the drop of a soap, oops hat.

Nothing much to write about in the ad and the bottom line is that this is soap she is selling. So it's lavender in colour and makes Aishwarya look thinner and better 'filled up' in all the right areas (controlled environment, you see, in the drawing room). That apart, forget it. I prefer Dettol and Hamam. They are orange and green respectively. Also smell decent and have disinfectants for sure.

PepSex anyone?

Movie Review:Ice Age 2: The Meltdown

Aditya Kuber — Tue, 2 May 2006 10:32:06 EDT

Having truly enjoyed Ice Age (1 as it should be now called), I was really excited to catch the sequel (sure I'm 26, so what?). And I wasn't entirely disappointed. Which means I was a little bit. More about that later.

The story is simple. There used to be ice. There is global warming. Ice is melting. The ecosystem shall change. Trust the truly creative to make this funny and worth sitting through! Hats off to the team that created this movie. The characters have largely been carried forward from the first part save the addition of a new romantic interest to Manny (Ray Romano), Ellie (Queen Latifah) and her 'brothers', Crash and Eddie.

That Ellie (a mammoth) believes she is a possum until Manny convinces her otherwise is perhaps the most hilarious part. Manny, for his part, is by now seriously concerned whether he is the last Mammoth left on earth, a question answered by Ellie's presence and a large herd at the end of the movie. What happened to them later, is another question.

Most of the other cast play their part including the excellent Sid and Diego who complete this unusual 'herd' of a Mammoth, Saber and Sloth. The dialogues are brilliant as is the animation. In fact, it's beyond excellent. As are the creative ideas for situations.

Take this for example: Scrat is still chasing the elusive nut when he finally gets his hands on it and decides to trek up to a nice icy table land. To achieve this, he uses the nut as a step... screwing it into the ice and climbing on it. Once he reached the top, all the holes he has created to climb up join themselves and a huge fault line is created leading to a huge chasm in the mountain. That it saves the entire animal kingdom from the flood is another issue! But using 'join the dots' here was as inspired an idea as I have ever seen.

The one main and perhaps only qualm I have is that there is no real story line taking the movie ahead. At best, this movie is a sequence of small incidents/jokes/situations (like sitcoms) that are strung together. Unlike the first one, this is a little more disjointed and the focus seemed on the characters and their behaviour more than the story. The story almost became secondary (despite the characters shouting it out all along!). This does allow for a lot of questions to be answered like Diego's fear of water and Sid finding a whole herd of sloth as well... but these happen like incidents that are meant to stand out. Much like a TV series that would solve one issue at a time. They happen serially and not parallely... except maybe once.

Perhaps this is the way the movies appeal to the younger crowd, but one would have wanted more coherence all along.

But hey, there's no compromise on the entertainment and Rs 100 was more than 'vasool'. Must watch!
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Official site