SATIRE

Straight From The Dog's Mouth

October 04, 2010
Being Cynical

This piece is from Golu – the pet dog of this cynical guy. Do you know something called induction effect? The effect gets more violent if the thing one can get induced with is contagious. Writing nonsense is just one of them. Thanks to this chap’s irritating habit of writing crap, day-in and day-out, I ended up developing a little bit of that bad habit myself. So if this piece of literature beats the living day lights out of you and you search dearly for the author with a machine gun in one hand and a Himesh Reshamiya’s CD in other then – just ask me for this man’s address, which I would be more than eager to share. Fortunately I got this man’s laptop open and that too at my disposal (as he has gone out). I think it is time someone gives this good for nothing human his long pending due.

To begin with - I am seriously disappointed with these two guys (Cynical and lady Cynical). If there would have been anything remotely close to ‘National Dogs Rights Commission’, then trust me, this chap would have been behind bars long time back.

So getting back to my bad luck. All was fine (till recently) when I adopted this couple (Cynical and lady Cynical) some 3 years back. They were quite loving. Respecting my needs and demands and most important were serious about my image and self respect. But I always knew this crazy guy would do something terrible someday that would make me turn one revolutionary. But this is not what hurt me. Looking at the irrational behavior of this man, it was inevitable but was not expecting it from the lady Cynical. The lady always looked like carrying a mature head on her shoulders (unlike her husband). But I guess thanks to – a part for the induction effect and Mr. Murphy for the other part. This lady also started to behave crazy, much like her husband. You know – if something going to go wrong it will go wrong and I ended up being the biggest casualty of Murphy’s theorem.

One fine day this couple did what I never expected they would. Would you believe – they brought home a cat. Yes that filthy and probably the most irritating creature God has ever created. The moment that dirty fellow entered, I was sure my privacy and self respect is in for some serious dent. Lady Cynical turned hysterical at once, seeing this animal, as if Olay has made her their brand ambassador with a promise to supply all her expensive and exotic cosmetics for the rest of her life. ‘Kuchi..Muchi…choo sweet. So spongy with soft skin and look at this cutie pie’s color..choo white’. Spongy, white and sweet? Why so many words? Can’t you just call that rabid mongrel as Rasagolla and be done away with? Nonsense lady. And this cynical guy was equally hysterical, if not more. Little did I know that my ordeal is just starting.

The first day itself was one hell of an experience. Once done with my dinner I headed for a quick power nap before I could get into the job (policing around) at hand. But I found my bed being occupied by this rogue creature. Now I thought to give this skunk some lessons for venturing into my personal stuffs. But lady cynical jumped in for the rescue of that creature and rather being sympathetic towards me she turned her guns instead. All the while comforting that filthy animal in her laps she gave an earful to me and asked me not to be aggressive to this new member ever. Now this unwanted love towards this creep by the lady turned this animal a Pakistan. A rouge nation with overhead attitude because of some uncalled for love from US. Not to mention after that unfortunate incident I had to adjust quite many times on the naked floor while this filthy ass enjoying my bed.

I even once tried to pass on the book on pet behavior to this lady cynical where it was mentioned - Dogs are man’s best friend and cats are a selfish lot. Alas, the lady has decided to turn one Gandhari instead. From my bed to my lunch bowl and my food all one by one was promptly hijacked by this Pakistan. Most frustrating is whenever I tried to show my displeasure, I was shown the red eyes and asked to behave properly. Disgusting – a clown is infringing in my privacy but I am not even supposed to protest. Let me not tell the amount of humiliation that I am facing on daily basis from our dogs community. All are laughing at me on the very fact that I am not only staying with a cat but also playing a second fiddle to this creature and tolerating all its atrocities. They are even mulling to throw me out of the community as I am rapidly turning out to be a shame for global dog family.

Honestly this creature is getting into my nerves now. I feel I would go mad someday and would end up doing something which Mahatma Gandhi won’t be very proud of. In fact I even tried that once (when both the cynical were away). If you think the cat would have made some funny noise and run away then hang on. Instead of running away he turned back at me and did a Kargil instead. Can you see the deep cut mark on my nose? It is the resultant of that Kargil war. Bloody Musaruf. Please someone inform some genuine NGOs to come in for my rescue as I am fast losing my faith on the statement – Every dog has it’s day as I never had mine after the arrival of that filthy creature in my life. Please help!!!

Fun is the next essential ingredient after Oxygen for this author. This chap is writing humor for quite some time without realizing that no one is reading. An IT coolie by profession he took to writing as he found Mayawati is not doing enough to balance out the daily dose of Humor needed by the human race. He could be found in all suspicious looking cyber spaces - From Orkut to Facebook, From Linkedin to Desibaba. The author can be reached via his Email which he invariably checks every 5 minutes (as he has nothing better to do). So if you are deprived of a big useless mail for sometime then just drop a test mail to this chap. You won't be disappointed. If you want a reply in double quick time then don't forget to add 'HOT PARTY GIRLS' or something like that somewhere in the subject line. Though he titled his blog as 'Being Cynical', regular readers feel, it should have been 'Occasionally Cynical, Mostly Mental'. P.S :- Befriending this human being is at the sole responsibility of the individual. It could bring unimaginable mental agony.
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Straight From The Dog's Mouth

Article

  • » Published on October 04, 2010
  • » Type: Satire
  • » Filed under: .

Author: Being Cynical

 

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