Satire: Dear Allah

August 28, 2008
[Caveat: Not for the humour impaired]

Dear Allah:

Bismillah Ar Rehman Ar Rahim

We begin in Your name - You are Most Beneficent and Most Merciful. You do not appear to be the betting kind, but if You were You could bet we are counting on that. Now that it is out of the way, Dear Allah, looking around all the mayhem and fasad brought about in your name we are wondering if we could wonder aloud and perhaps not question your motives and timings but ask a few well-meant questions about them.

Since You are Omnipotent and all powerful why did You not delay Muhammed's arrival till the dawn of the internet era? Or alternatively, brought this era forward by 1500 years skipping Gutenberg and Galileo altogether?

Had there been the Internet then, citizen bloggers would have noted and debated all of Muhammed's moves as well as that of his companions and their successors and shared his Sunnah with others for eternity safe and sound, protected and documented instead of allowing the hindsight of the well-meaning 'believers'. And why haven't You made rules to safeguard the hadiths if we were supposed to follow You and Your messenger and instead allowed the likes of Abu Hurraira to put words in Your messenger's mouth. Ayesha's birth would have been documented, and the entire mess about her age at the wedding would not have occurred and we would have avoided child-brides and kid-weddings. Warraq and Pipes et al would have had more time for leisure activities.

Bukhari, Muslim and Tirmizi would have had to find alternate careers perhaps in micro documenting? Abu Hureira would not have the universal Rent-a-Hadith franchise.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves. We are mortals at Your mercy, O Allah.

Since Muslims are supposed to be so caring of everyone around them, we are sure the new Muslim would be environmentally the greenest of people inhabiting Your world, turning the rest greener with envy. They would conserve, re-use, recycle and use biodegradable products.

Muhammed could have been happy with one wife or two (after the first one passes away, if you deem so) like most of us are, or pretend to.

He could have bought an online Last Will and Testament Kit for $19.95 (with money back guarantee) and this would have satisfied everyone and not caused a schism in Islam.

And You could have let Muhammed communicate in English understood all over the world. If he had set the tone in English, the jaahil Mullahs would have learned English too and just by that effort be less jaahil and more abreast of science and technology and what is happening all over the modern world? And with Muhammed speaking in English you would have to place him somewhere other than Arabia. Which is not a bad thing come to think about it.

And why not elaborate on the fact that You created us in a perfect form so as not to allow anyone to mess up this perfection by performing FGM and the likes?

You could have cleared up the controversy between au natural, one piece, two piece bathing suits and the burquinis. And while at it cleared the veil issue and settled the controversies between headscarf, veil and one-woman-mobile-tent.

O Allah, we mean no disrespect, but You say Your words are valid for all communities at all times, yet between us Muslims we have ceased to be able to understand one another or communicate meaningfully. Between Bin Laden, Qutb and Mawdudi on one side and Rushdie, Manji, Hirsi Ali on the other, with all shades in between, who speaks the truth? And why should we need interpreters in the first place?

Merciful Allah, You have created us as different tribes so we can get to know and understand one another, appreciate our differences, and learn from each other, yet we are missing the complete edited and revised Islamic dictionary. Couldn't You have helped out a little bit?
yours bowingly,
t and tbs
[all indiscretions and aspersions cast on the living and the dead are the other collaborator's fault – signed t and tbs]
love people who are in awe of words. words are the sole arbiter and the final survivor. desicritic editor, slave and slave-driver.
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August 28, 2008
12:18 PM

funny to the max!!

August 28, 2008
12:57 PM

um. some parts of this are true, some border on blasphemy, some parts are lame, but almost all of the writing is mediocre.

August 28, 2008
01:10 PM

I thought this was brilliant. funny in parts and touching in others. good one.

August 28, 2008
02:11 PM




you cannot say it is not for lack of trying;)

on a serious note, there are some minor quibbles that i will fix later today

thanks for your kindness


August 28, 2008
02:16 PM


many happy returns for the day!

and duas aplenty for health and happiness!

may you continue to bring peace and happiness to your family and friends


may you continue your unabashed ways to keep the flock of delusional and deluded cyber cuckoos in check


August 28, 2008
05:47 PM


""um. some parts of this are true, some border on blasphemy,""

heard of ghalat-phemy but not blasphemy. can you expand on this term?

August 30, 2008
09:40 AM

This is utter blasphemy!!!

Amazing piece btw :)

September 1, 2008
02:58 AM

Dear God,

The other night, James Dobson's ministry asked all believers to pray for a storm on Thursday night so that the Obama acceptance speech outdoors in Denver would have to be canceled.

I see that You have answered Dr. Dobson's prayers -- except the storm You have sent to earth is not over Denver, but on its way to New Orleans! In fact, You have scheduled it to hit Louisiana at exactly the moment that George W. Bush is to deliver his speech at the Republican National Convention.

Now, heavenly Father, we all know You have a great sense of humor and impeccable timing. To send a hurricane on the third anniversary of the Katrina disaster AND right at the beginning of the Republican Convention was, at first blush, a stroke of divine irony. I don't blame You, I know You're angry that the Republicans tried to blame YOU for Katrina by calling it an "Act of God" -- when the truth was that the hurricane itself caused few casualties in New Orleans. Over a thousand people died because of the mistakes and neglect caused by humans, not You.

September 1, 2008
11:38 AM

hilarious! thanks for the link!

September 3, 2008
08:18 PM

well written piece.

however if you think rationally its kinda unfair to blame the allah of muslim people, that has been there since the 7th century, for the extremism and terrorism that has only arisen in the lets say past 30 years !

September 3, 2008
11:42 PM


You are right. Islamic extremism and terrorism are only recent phenomina of last 30 years. Otherwise, it has been a religion of peace, harmony and bhaihood throughout history.

September 4, 2008
06:18 AM


i can sense sarcasm. but this article is about extremism not wars. every religion has been responsible for wars. remember the European wars of religion.

September 4, 2008
11:33 AM


I am glad you can distinguish extremism, terrorism and wars. Since you like to put all religions in one basket, you should also point out that religions have never shied away from extremism or terrorism either. So to single out Islam is islamophobia. Terrorism and extremism are self-defenses and last-resorts of the weak and unorganized after all, while stronger and more organized ones would go for wars because they can. All religions have done it, all ideologies have done it, all countries have done it, all governments have done it, all societies have done it, all races and classes have done it - so it is a human condition, and not a religious condition, much less an Islamic condition. Nobody is responsible for extremism, terrorism and wars and nobody should be blamed or held accountable. We are all nice people trying to solve our own problems so we can live in peace and prosperity.

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