Love And All That Jazz

Depending on what stage in life you are in, you'd gain perspective of what love is, at which point this whole blog would seem meaningless.

Hope you get it :-)

RK, you are too profound for me.

I think the truth is that a very different sort of love develops in Indian marriages - and it is the arrival of a baby that brings it on.

fluff.

Any cold data (even anecdotes will do) to back your conjecture?

It is just that, SK, conjecture.

deepa:

If you ask me, I think the truth is that a very different sort of love develops in Indian marriages - and it is the arrival of a baby that brings it on. It seems to me that many couples put romantic love on the back-burner ....

first: i find it impossible to pin it down in words...whatever the word limit...

one can see it in lover's eyes, gestures

one can sense it in one's own heartbeat and elated sense of touch

one can feel it in the air

one can transmit it acorss continents

but

this love am attempting to portray is NOT dependent on the arrival of children...rather it is independent of offspirings

(i know you did not ask me)

;)

temporal - this article is about babies and Darwin. It is based on my observations of many arranged marriages. I'm not saying there is no love in Indian arranged marriages, but it is a small percentage of Indian women, in my view, who are "in love" with their husbands, whereas nearly all women experience a fierce, strong, constant motherly love throughout their lives.

Hi Deepa,

You have indeed hit the nail on the head. I have been married for the last 13 years, and I find your statement for the most part to be true. The joy of a new arrival completely overwhelms Indian parents, and consumes them inside out. But there is a joy in this, and I really enjoy that. I also concur with your last statement that all women experience strong constant motherly love. It is not for nothing that our ancient saints coined adages like "Matru devo Bhavo,...", "Matha, Pitha,...". Mother is central to the Indic civilization, and is no small secret that the Indic represents the only existing civilization that worships "Shakthi" or the "Mother Goddess". You may even be surprised to know that GLORIA STEINHEM( Founder of Feminist Movement in the West) spent a number of years in India before embarking upon her famous journey towards feminism.

KALYAN

Honestly Deepa, if you ask me, I don't think it is as cut and dry. Whichever way you enter matrimony, arranged or love, the chances are the same 50-50. Even people who enter matrimony through an arranged set-up end up having very fruitful marriages with a lot of affection and love and conversly things don't work for love marriages as frequently. It is presumptious to assume romantic love cannot develop in an arranged set-up.

Parenthood is a far more natural(being biological) a bond. It is natural it would be stronger. Nature ordained it that way. There is not much rumination to be done there.

As far as being a product of western thinking, having lived here in the West for a couple of years, and approaching this whole issue from the other end, I can assure you it is as confusing for people on this end :)

Eventually, I now think our traditional systems had some merit :)

Deepa, I was reminded of a joke of my own creation.

A middle aged person approaches a young man in an Air-port and asks him hesistantly, 'Excuse me young man, by any chance are you the son of Mr.Nambiar?
The young man replies, 'Yes, I am. But I am not sure whether it was by any chance.

That's about the arrival of children in India, seldom planned.

Ritu - I found it very strange, and I still do, that the ad talks about "love" in an arranged marriage. Anyone who has experienced love will agree that the heady flush it generates, the highs and the lows, the crazy hormonal reactions, and the total loss of control are nothing remotely like what a bride or groom experiences in an arranged marriage with a stranger.

When that sort of crazy head-over-head feeling is originally not there, I think the first really strong uncontrollable surge of feeling that enters married life is parental love. For Indian women it is even stronger than for men, because they have been displaced from their own 'maika' and now here is this little thing that is finally her own, her own private world where she can build dreams. Apart from that, of course, there are also biological and evolutionary reasons for why women feel that way. Another thing is that there is so much cultural importance attached to progeny, that it makes us totally sublimate ourselves into our roles as mothers.

Deepa,

Strange as it sounds, I have seen it. Honestly, if you ask me that initial uncontrollable highs and lows phase of romantic love is not really love. That is the infatuation part of it. That does not sustain. Neither in love marriages nor arranged ones. To me, true love is deeper, calmer and more enduring in nature. It is the sustained attraction and chemistry between two individuals. The kind of thing that persists even after seeing all the warts. And believe me that is quite rare (look at any couple any where who has been married for more than 15 years). I think you are just blessed if you can get that in your life. I have observed that equations change constantly and after a while, how you got married equalizes and both set of couples are pretty much on the same playing ground.

But, yes, if your point is about how to summon romantic love for a stranger I can quite agree with you. I for one would not be able to summon feelings on demand for a person. Yet, I have seen so many different equations that I can safely say that romantic love(of the heady variety) is very much a part of the arranged marriage scenario. Usually, it has a time lag. Which means it probably manifests 6-7 months after people get married.

Let me give you an example. I have a friend who went through the arranged marriage route and quite early in life. Right after he started working. He had absolutely no attraction for his wife. During their courtship period (he was in Delhi and she in Surat), he would call her every saturday mainly as a chore. And being slightly parsimonious in his ways, he would put the phone down after the STD bill crossed 100 Rs. :). After they got married, their initial chemistry was nil. They gradually settled in to each other. But surprisingly after 4 years of their marriage they suddenly went through a completely love-in-the-eyes phase. The chemistry suddenly sizzled. It was quite amusing.

The usual engagement-courtship-marriage kind of scenario that most arranged marriages follow give the couple sufficient time to get into the in-love phase.

Personally, as I said, I don't know if it would work for me. It's like you don't have a choice but to fall in love. But I have seen enough people do it all the time and it seems like a formula that works atleast 50% of the times. So never say never 

Cheers

First of all, I don't think that people hooking up through matrimonial sites falls strictly into the class of "arranged marriages". Matrimonial sites are not that different from dating websites in the west and serve only as a means of introduction. How a couple takes the relationship from there on is entirely up to them. Many have a long period of courtship before they decide to take the plunge. (I even know cases where couples, after having been even physical, have broken up.) In that respect I don't think it is all that different from dating.

In fact, I suspect, more youngsters in India now have an active courtship and dating scene thanks to these websites. Imagine if they had to leave everything in the hands of their parents.

I think the subject of arranged marriage is coming up more and more as Westerners embrace more Eastern thought. LATimes wrote a story on the subject and HBO is even planning a TV show on the concept:

http://www.trendhunter.com/trends/hbo-now-casting-volunteers-for-upcoming-reality-tv-show-arranged-marriage

Love is not a commodity to be exchanged or bargained for a price.Love is abstract in nature,it is an innate feeling that comes in one through constant attachment intimacy and sharing of concerns for each other.It is immaterial whether union of the two is brought through arranged means or by friendship.It is misleading to suggest that arranged marriage is love-less and it is the birth of the child that generates bonding.Do not marriages after long courtship end up in agony and disasters?