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Weight A Minute!
Aditi Nadkarni
Every time I am in India I am left considerably shaken by people's bluntness, or should I be blunt as well and call it rudeness? The one issue where a law needs to be passed enabling us to punch the guilty in the face is a "weighty" one. People who upon seeing you make completely out of line assessments about weight and size just weren't slapped enough by their parents as children and hence we should be able to rectify their limiting deficiency. The only reason these people move about unharmed is because it is illegal to assault them. Yes, that is how much I am disturbed by people's lack of respect for basic social propriety.
There are so many good things we are taught as kids: "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it", "Think before you speak", "Do unto others only as you wish done to you". And yet you have broad-boned, buxom aunties going about telling girls half their size that they look "chubby".
In college, at five feet seven I was taller than most guys in my class and at a hundred and thirty pounds, nowhere near "fat". Yet my nickname like that of many other girls was "Moti", a title which can be applied to you in Bombay if you so much as have enough boobs to fill in a C-cup. Somehow I never felt the need to call a guy "Shortie!" and wonder how many egos would've been wounded had I been the one letting go of my civility. Now at 28, Orkut and Facebook have their blessings and the curses that come with those, cause let us face it, nothing is ever free in life. These friendly communities have welcomed back into my life people from school and college and housing societies. Even as someone who is not exactly shitting their pants about the few extra pounds I realize with a sinking feeling what a comfort it was to not have them and their disparaging comments surrounding me for all these years. Moreover, the socially sterile life in the United States makes the best of us increasingly vulnerable to such comments.
We are so pampered In Uncle Sam's house by the overtly polite small talk and limited-to-none interactions with desi aunties that a simple, harmless, maybe even affectionate and ever so common "Aye Moti!" knocks the wind out of us women especially when coming from other women, who by virtue of age, themselves have grown chunkier. I was considerably shocked when a classmate who I hadn't seen since the fourth grade told me I looked plumper than she remembered me. Surely she didn't expect me to stay the same size I was at age ten!
I was even told in college amidst raised-eyebrows by some girls that my bosom area was "rather excessive". Many a guy later testified that there was no such thing as "excessive breasts". All breast, a male friend told me with conviction, is vital. The men get dealt the slightly politer and way more subtle "So looks like the cheese has finally climbed to your cheeks" or "You look very healthy now (wink wink)". I am sure, however, that men have their own share of appearance related issues what with hair-loss being pointed out publicly and Ayurvedic hair oils recommended with gusto in India.
I had a friend who went to India soon after having delivered twins. She had hoped to relax, put her feet up, eat some good ol' Indian food and return rejuvenated having finally doused relentless questions about her fertility. She returned depressed. She had been invited to several homes as is common during an India visit. There were puris and chaats and batata vadas. And then to ration her servings were the comments about the weight she had put on during childbirth. She managed not to dig into a single delicious morsel of all that food and came back resenting her appearance. What postnatal depression couldn't do, India managed.
As much as the West is criticized for their glorification of anorexic beauties, at least when I go to a party I don't get an immediate weight appraisal unless of course there is that one odd desi in the crowd. People don't consider discussions about thunder thighs as "elevator talk" here. Women especially are so paranoid about the tables being turned on them that will not venture into discussions about weight-loss/ gain etc unless you are taking a Weight Watchers' workshop together.
Recently, Kareena Kapoor's significantly diminished waistline did not manage to resuscitate a lukewarm Bollywood script in Tashan. Whats more, her bony shoulders, withered hips coupled with an uncharacteristically long face highlighted by headlong, oblique camera shots have actually gone the other way and provoked disapproving gasps from the Indian audiences. It is funny and somewhat ironic to hear some people criticize an actress for her extreme weight-loss knowing that they had once proclaimed the bony, petite fair girl as the college hottie all those years ago.
I ran into an old classmate at the crowded InOrbit mall during my last visit to India. Her figure had been padded in not so great areas over the ten years that we had been out of touch.
"Hey you've look so different now!" she exclaimed after some chit-chat and just as I silently prayed that she was referring to my wonderful new hair color added quite unnecessarily, "So how much do you weigh now?"
"38D" I replied with a wink and in the glow of her shocked look, all was right with the world.
Weight A Minute!
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IdeaSmith
URL
May 13, 2008
08:11 AM
I was really enjoying this article till it wandered into India-versus-West territory. It is probably true that we're far more informal and hearty in our talk, even to the point of being intrusive. But by the same token, the West has been described as clipped and impersonal to the point of being cold.
I'm not disagreeing with your observation. I'm a thin person in a country that tends to larger frames and I've lost count of the number of jokes I've endured about skeletons, Somalians, anorexia and the like. The flaws are pointed out and this is true. I find a simple shrug is enough to vanish these comments away. People only care if you care and since they figure that I either don't care about my appearance or their opinion of it, they don't bother wasting time commenting on it anymore.
It is a cultural thing and I don't think it's quite right to call it wrong. I can't resist pointing out that you've spent a few years in India yourself and probably understand already where I'm coming from. Why compare two different cultures?
All that said, thanks for writing a great post!
smallsquirrel
May 13, 2008
09:10 AM
idea... I think it's a valid comparison. why can't we compare? sounds like a knee-jerk reaction to criticism on your part. I have to agree with aditi here about the pointed way that indians will talk about your body, right to your face, as if any kind of criticism is just fine.
there were a number of times when I would meet someone for the first time (women) and they would comment on my rather ample chest. I was appalled. I had just met these women and they would comment on my breasts!!!!
the biggest battle was with my mother in law. when she met me for the first time, not knowing that I knew kannada, her reaction was "what? she is too fat." no mention of my master's degree, my perfect skin, my shining personality. nope, she was appalled by my curves. moreover, until she was told in no uncertain terms that her behavior was rude, she continued on with the comments, once asking me in a room packed full of people how much I weigh. I ran out of the room crying, and she thought I was being oversensitive.
When I was pregnant, a giant aunty rammed her shopping cart into my stomach. when I asked her what in hell she was doing, that I was pregnant and she just hit me, she replied "oh sorry, I thought you were just fat."
I am not saying that prejudice against fat people does not exist in the West. We have a whole society that favors thin women and reinforces that norm so strongly that even 6 year old girls worry about their weight. It's sick. But usually here people will not belittle you and shame you to your face. and it is doubly annoying because it is always the aunties who are like 3 times your own size slinging the comments around like they are somehow fitting into a size 4 dress.
Deepti Lamba
URL
May 13, 2008
09:21 AM
Its like this when one is deemed overweight there are fat jokes, when one loses weight one still gets to hear jokes of how fat the person was. Its a no win situation here in India since we cannot tell them to bugger off.
Most people tend equate self esteem with weight and appearance. They project their own securities on others and clearly thats their problem.
Deepa Krishnan
URL
May 13, 2008
10:08 AM
So Aditi, with this one post you've got all of DC men salivating. Not to mention some women too.
OK, all you DC girls. Anyone else wants to tell me their cup-size?
:D :D :D
- Deepa
Aditi Nadkarni
URL
May 13, 2008
10:20 AM
IdeaSmith: I've lived amidst the two cultures, hence the comparison. Every year my Indian trip gets me hyperventilating and I cannot imagine what it must feel like for women who do actually fall in the plus size category. Contrary to popular belief, comparison between two cultures is ok to do if one has had a fair experience of both :) But mention of people's weight cannot be anything but wrong. Its unacceptable and the sooner people get it the better. And thank you, glad you enjoyed the post.
ss: My sympathies! Those are terrible experiences! Being rammed by a cart on your pregnant belly is just ridiculous.
Dee: Agree! The "Moti, you've lost weight!" is just frustrating and stupid.
Deepa: Really? Good god! If the mention of my cup size is getting people to salivate then I'm seriously worried about the amount of sex people are getting....not to mention bra shops should probably have masturbators lining up as we speak! :))) But thanks I guess. :)
Ayan Roy
May 13, 2008
11:24 AM
Hmm, nice article. I guess girls who are obsessed about small bust sizes try negative remarks on someone who is "well-endowed".
As for me, I generally never comment on somebody's weight or appearace, except on two occasions, when I ticked off two girls (one was a friend and one was my cousin sis) for being too thin and sickly. Both were trying to attain (and maintain) size zero figures and had gone on near starvation diets and were picky eaters.
Funnily, I have never heard open body size observations and comparisons in many Bengali gatherings and between middle aged Bengali ladies and girls I have met. They do indulge in their quiet giggly gossip (PNPC is the well-known term - "poro nindaa poro chorchaa"), but that's always behind the back.
Between the ladies, I have never heard ANYBODY comment about somebody's appearance or body size ON THEIR FACE, unless it's a positive encomium. Bongs are probably a bit more "touchy-feely" about all this and refrain from open comments. They have coined the term "chhokkhulojja" which cannot be defined exactly, but it means some kind of verbal decency and politeness, which one should possess, otherwise he/she is considered rude and uncultured.
Love and peace to all,
Ayan
Kim
URL
May 13, 2008
05:43 PM
I am so fed up of the "You've put on weight"/"You've become fat" comments each time I go back to my hometown. I now throw politeness to the wind and say "And you look old"
Its like they think I never look in a mirror or step on a weighing scale!
Friends are normally not so rude, its those damn "aunties" who stick their finger in your chest or tap your tummy and say "you've put on weight" and after marriage, "any good news?" is appended to that sentence.
Bah!
Peace
May 13, 2008
06:45 PM
If you believe in slapping kids around, or even use it as a line of argument, you ought to be in India -- you can get away with it :-).
Jokes apart my 2c.
The difference between India and America(or the west) is the etiquette. Some say it to your face while some behind your back while some others write a book 'French Women Don't Get Fat' -- None of it is good or honestly anybody's business. But reality is too chubby to be fit into sensitivity's boundaries..
Temple Stark
URL
May 13, 2008
07:33 PM
>>there were a number of times when I would meet someone for the first time (women) and they would comment on my rather ample chest. I was appalled. I had just met these women and they would comment on my breasts!!!!
It's almost like they're - poorly brought up - men!!!!
;-)
smallsquirrel
May 13, 2008
08:34 PM
temple... LOOOOOOOL!
Seema
May 15, 2008
03:01 AM
Everything in your article is so true. It's so irritating. People who I haven't seen for years will make comments about my weight. "SCREWTHEM!"
Deepti Lamba
URL
May 15, 2008
03:45 AM
Seema, a relative once said- You have changed but Aaman looks still the same and I replied - yeah shows who had the babies;)
Another said- lose weight orelse he will run away and I replied- he aint the only one who can run I too have fast legs and that the barn door is always left open;)
Lots of shit said especially by those who forget their own fat days.
Nowadays I just tell people - there is more to life than weight.
ushnishas
May 15, 2008
04:31 AM
Pluses for girls who are fat -
-you get served double helpings from the first
-you get offered all the creamy desserts
-all the Punjus make a line for you (now is that a minus or a plus?)
-you get more room to sit in the car
-your kids say, mummy's lap is more comfortable
-everyone thinks you are a good sport
Aditi Nadkarni
URL
May 15, 2008
04:49 AM
ushnishas: You are practically wrong on every count lets see:
-the plump ones get told not to overeat and hence get rationed servings
-creamy desserts? get outta here!
-What Punjus? the ones eying the patli goris?
-Last time I checked each person's ass takes up as much space as it needs.
-The totally dumb, mummy's lap part sadly holds true only for the ones with kids.
-The 1st paragraph of my article would indicate that when it comes to weight related comments, I'm definitely NOT a sport.
Chandra
May 15, 2008
08:17 AM
Cultural differences......
In my region...people would always say....you have become thin...irrespective of how many kgs you have added........
As if on cue, one of my colleagues (here in the UK) told me that I have added weight....i was kind of surprised because i though people in the west minded their own business....
Personally, i dont consider somebody commenting on my weight as intrusive..... I usually smile away.....
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