OPINION

Breaking Up Is A Reason To Celebrate

March 07, 2008
IdeaSmith

This occurred to me when I was talking to a friend this week about breaking up. There is so much of literature available on love - how to find it, how to handle it, how to make it happen, how to make it last. But what about the sometimes inevitable - loss of love? There must be a reason that this post remains one of my most popular ones to date.

We are born with a capacity to love. But breaking up and letting go is a learned act - a lesson that comes with a lot of pain. While I can't find a way to make that experience any less painful, for those of you who face it, maybe this will make it easier to deal with.

Breaking up is never a dignified process. And yes, it is a process, not a step, not a one-time act. There will be moments when life seems to be about normal and then long days when it feels like it isn't. If it truly has been an emotional attachment then there's no escaping the fact that it will be difficult to let go, baggage and bad memories notwithstanding. Emotions are messy. That's why psychiaterists, spiritual guides, counsellors and people like John Gray have a job. Don't make it worse for yourself by piling guilt on top of pain. Just give it time and eventually the moments of normalcy will grow into days and the days of pain will cease to be - well, quite so painful. Time really does heal wounds.

Beauty magazines and self-help books usually advocate 'pampering' yourself which is taken to mean buy things for yourself or get a beauty makeover. Personally I find the concept of sending myself flowers silly and it makes me feel worse. I'd say celebrate yourself in whatever way you party. A relationship can have a way of sapping up all your time and energy. When it ends, it frees up all this extra time for you. Don't be overwhelmed by it. Do something that you like, read, write, play a sport. People also have a way of getting into a self-defeating spiral, essentially punishing themselves for a relationship gone bad.

Try and think of somebody you are very fond of; preferably not the one you're breaking up with but someone else like a parent, a cousin, a friend, a child. And think of what you would do for them if they were down and out. How compassionate we are with people we love and how hard we are on ourselves! Discover yourself. If it feels like no one loves you, well hey! That's all the more reason for you to love yourself. Because if you don't, no one else ever will.

If you're tired of hearing that experiences are lessons, I am afraid I'll only add to that. Yes, you certainly will learn something. About the person you loved, about the world, about relationships but most of all about yourself. You may wonder whether any lesson is worth such a price. To that I ask you - what are you worth to yourself? What would you give to receive the highest truth in your life?

You hurt today because of how much you've loved, how much of yourself you've given and how much it is tearing you to let it go. You have loved and for that I celebrate you. I hope you celebrate yourself as well.

I call myself a chronic thinker. A few centuries ago, I'd have been called a Thinker. Or burnt at stake for being a witch. My degree is my passport to the world of respectability. I moonlight as a troubled poet, a warrior princess and a closet sorceress. I am all of these and yet none of them is all of me. All I was born to be really, was a story-teller. Scheherazade, Galelio, Cleopatra and Salvador have passed through. This time round, just call me IdeaSmith.
eXTReMe Tracker
Keep reading for comments on this article and add some feedback of your own!

Comments! Feedback! Speak and be heard!

Comment on this article or leave feedback for the author

#1
Ledzius
March 7, 2008
08:25 AM

"Personally I find the concept of sending myself flowers silly and it makes me feel worse."

Sending yourself flowers?? Is this an euphemism for a different form of "self service"?

#2
IdeaSmith
URL
March 7, 2008
09:41 AM

@ Ledzius: No!! I was referring to the act of walking up to a florist (the kind that sells flowers, the sort that are colourful and fragrant and bloom on plants, the kind that are green...oh you get the idea!) and paying for a bouquet to be sent to your own address! :-p

Some glam-mags and "chick" shows advocate this for broken hearts. I never got around to doing it and for the life of me, I can't think why it would help.

#3
kerty
March 7, 2008
09:49 AM

Why don't you stick to hookups, that way falling in love and out of so called love is never messy for anybody involved and one can fall in love or lust as the case may be every weekend with different partners? Why do you need to mess with love?

If you need to fall in and out of love, than it was not really a love to begin with. Was it? Why not call it infectuation, conditional arrangement for mutual benefits till conditions change, to be mates in fair times, friends to share the good times? What made you think these kind of things would handle the ups and downs of relationships and life? You need something more to be able to do that - to build relationship that can stand the taste of time, ups and downs of life, thru good and bad times, putting up with personal flaws and weaknesses. And to do that, you need to give more - it takes more than love - it takes committment and wows. Sure, saying 'I love you' is easy. I can do that to every beautiful girl I meet and every attractive lady I want to enjoy. That is the easiest part and any fool with a lust in heart can do it. The real test comes when you need to fork out something from within you for that person, when arrangement to enjoy each other demands sacrifices, fidelity, commitment, letting go of ego, self and individuality - that is what makes it a true love, and society bows to such love, honors it, poets sing its praises and Bollywood makes movies on it - Love sanitizes simple physical lust, elevates it, creates honorable lasting relationships out of it. If that is not your cup of tea. Than leave it alone. Don't trivialize love. Stick to hookups and hookers.

#4
smallsquirrel
March 7, 2008
10:42 AM

kerty once again you make very little sense and you show your lack of real world common sense by saying things like "if you fall in and out of love it was never really love to begin with" kind of thing.

in teh REAL world life intervenes. sometimes love is not enough to sustain even a good relationship.

your whole love is unconditional rambling is so out of touch with the real world and how things operate.

sometimes even commitments get broken for legitimate reasons

#5
Deepti Lamba
URL
March 7, 2008
10:44 AM

Self help?? I have a dirty mind

Break ups can be shitty and thats when we need our friends the most.

#6
commonsense
March 7, 2008
11:26 AM

self-service, not self-help!

#7
kerty
March 7, 2008
11:27 AM

SS

Yes. Life is a b*tch. And love requires 'falling'. Even fools have managed to do it for ages. If one is not prepared to fall or deal with real life, why fall for love at all? It certainly is not cheap. With all that dowry, alimony and child support, one can take to bed every squirrel that moves, every night and still spare pocketful to celebrate. As Americans would say - f**k them all and come back alone.

I have good idea what is feminist take on what are 'legitimate' reasons for breakups. Feminism after all is desperately and hopelessly dependent on dysfunctions and fallout of dating-mrRight-breakups-divorce culture.

#8
Deepti Lamba
URL
March 7, 2008
12:17 PM

Kerty, making blanket statements about Americans as usual? What works for some may not work for others and all relationships have their ups and down.



Alimony btw is a two way street in the US- ask Britney Spears.

#9
kerty
March 7, 2008
02:16 PM

Dee..

I didn't know we are supposed to look at everything on case by case basis as each one could stem from unique circumstances. I admit, I have been spoiled by feminists - they taught me how not to look at uniqueness or circumstances when looking at individual events or statistics but take it straight to the gender levels, society levels, cultural/social practice levels. I hope they like the two way street.

#10
commonsense
March 8, 2008
12:04 AM

another yaaaaawwwwwwnnnn...so, what else is new??

#11
Morris
March 8, 2008
02:18 PM

What happens when you fall. Most likely you hirt yourself. That is why we say 'careful don't fall'. Falling is an accedental act prone to injury. Yet people fall in love. I suggest one should slide into love slowly. If it does not work you can get out safely. If it works you can enjoy the ride for the rest of the life because you can conntinue to slide. Lot of fun that way.

#12
temporal
URL
March 8, 2008
05:54 PM

IS:

while the main thrust of this post is the break up of amorous relationships the termination of any relationship is bad and in some cases simply unmanageable

here, therapists and therapy groups come in handy - if resorted to

#13
IdeaSmith
URL
March 9, 2008
09:04 AM

@ kerty: "The real test comes when you need to fork out something from within you for that person, when arrangement to enjoy each other demands sacrifices, fidelity, commitment, letting go of ego, self and individuality - that is what makes it a true love." That's well put. But as smallsquirrel points out, lack of love isn't the only reason relationships end. And I don't recollect touching on feminism or any feminist points of view. A break-up happens between two individuals and anyone who cares, gets hurt in this. And yes, life and emotions do happen on a case-to-case basis. How ever do you suppose it is possible to make a blanket statement for all human beings (or all women or all men or all feminists)? That's just plain ridiculous. Looking at patterns is a different thing but again, like I said, my post doesn't touch on any feminist or men-versus-women or even Americans-versus-rest of world points at all. Thanks for the comments.

@ Deepti: Absolutely. I get by with a little help from my friends. :-)

@ Morris: When you figure out a way to do that, please, please, please let me know! I'm sure a lot of other people would be interested too.

@ temporal: Rightly said. I agree.

#14
Morris
March 9, 2008
08:45 PM

IS

We all know that there is no guarantee that any relationship will endure. But falling in love first and counting on that to help solve all the problems of living together is somewhat naive.
If we do that then we spend more time and effort searching right house or car than for life partner. We are product of our environment and by the time we are adult we are fully developed with all our habits, shortcoming and other bagages. What I was suggesting is to look for a compatible partner first love will follow. It is a bit like arranged marriage not necessarily by parents. If there is no guarantee that love will follow because there is compatibility, there is less guarantee the other way around.

True love does not expect or demand anything. Living together is a lot more challaging than romancing around. Enjoying good times for a few weeks or months is no indicatiomn of love. It is infectuation and not love. True love evolves after going through many trials tribulations.

You start with respect and affection for each other and slowly fall in love. Then sky is the limit. When one starts at the peak where can you go. Search for a compatible partner and improve your odds.

#15
kerty
March 10, 2008
12:58 AM

IS..

Perishability and disposability of relationships is not a trivial lifestyle matter because as a social trend, it has society-wide consequences and it can create serious caseload of dysfunctions among families, among genders which can not but draw feminism to exploit those caseload of dysfunctions. I know you did not bring feminism up. But one can't compartmentalize discussion of breakups and not discuss its full implications.

#16
IdeaSmith
URL
March 10, 2008
02:02 AM

@ Morris: Ah, that's better. I follow your train of thought much more clearly now. I mistook your earlier comment for idle preaching from an ivory tower and thought "What the hell? Is this person in the real world?". I apologize for that and thank you for the comment. It certainly makes sense!

@ kerty: Agreed. But I fail to see where feminism comes into the picture of a break-up. Unless you're insinuating that the empowerment of women and their expression is leading to relationships breaking down. Whether that's true or not is for another debate but I still maintain that a break-up is painful for all parties concerned, gender irrespective.

#17
kerty
March 10, 2008
04:04 AM

IS

This is not a thread about feminism, so i will restrict my impulses that can open can of warms in this thread. Since you asked, I will say this much - that feminist interpretation of what constitutes women's empowerment is largely derived from exploiting dysfunctions found within relationships and society at large.

Without a doubt, everybody suffers when something does not work out.

#18
Ajay
March 10, 2008
05:25 AM

This post has nothing to do with feminism. It is about human relationships. Lets keep it to that and not start to over react.

#19
Deepti Lamba
URL
March 10, 2008
07:01 AM

Taking it a step further is it possible to be on amicable terms after the rough break up?

#20
IdeaSmith
URL
March 10, 2008
07:34 AM

@ Deepti Lamba: Deserves another post, doesn't it? :-) I think the more you've cared for the person and the relationship, the tougher it is to stay 'friends' after a break-up. In fact I advocate complete closure to the point of deleting the person's contacts from one's phone and address book. Maybe it's drastic but having the person on your mental radar just makes the healing process excruciatingly longer. Once that phase is past and both parties have moved on, it may be possible to reach a new understanding of each other, clear of romantic/sexual attachments. But I don't call that 'staying friends'...it's more like 'becoming friends'. Your thoughts?

#21
commonsense
March 10, 2008
09:52 AM

Ideasmith #28. I think you are right. The deeper the entanglement, the harder it is to go ahead with the "still friends" approach. It just rakes up old issues. Particularly since no break-up is ever completely a discrete event, like a twig breaking. A number of threads continue to linger, even after the most horrible break-up, perhaps because of the most horrible break-up! In sheer practical terms, cutting off all contact is the sanest course of action available...later, one could "become friends" (good way of putting it!).

#22
Deepti Lamba
URL
March 10, 2008
10:15 AM

I'm not too sure whether one can be friends in true sense of the word there is all that past history that makes things kind of awkward;)

#23
smallsquirrel
March 15, 2008
10:39 PM

besides my husband, of course, one of my closest friends is a man that I was in a committed relationship with for more than 8 years. my husband has met him and likes him, and we all get along well. there is no awkwardness, and everyone knows the past history and knows that it is water under the bridge.

the way I see it is that I cared enough about this person to have him in my life for all that time as my partner, so why simply because the relationship did not work out would I not want to have him still as a friend? luckily I have a very mature spouse who understands things like this, and knows that I am committed to him.

But this other guy is really a great friend and has been a support to me and helpful even in my marriage by telling me honestly about my faults and strengths so that I can be a better wife!

So I think depending on the reasons for breaking up it is possible to keep a past partner as a friend.

#24
Ms. Anona
March 15, 2008
10:46 PM

ss, I bet I could have your 'very mature' husband right now if I wanted him. Things don't work out like that, you better keep him on a tight leash especially cause you don't like any affairs, emotional or otherwise.

#25
smallsquirrel
March 16, 2008
08:49 AM

uh, no anona, you really could not have my husband... former wildchild you might be or not. see we all have a past and we all know tricks... some of us are just more mature than others. he is not a manipulative man and he realizes that everyone has past ties. my ex is a good man and there is no reason to be jealous... my husband and I are married and committed to the marriage.

grow up, dear.. that comment was a bit silly.

#26
smallsquirrel
March 16, 2008
08:53 AM

and oh yeah... when you "keep people on leashes" is when they tend to get pissed off and have affairs.

it seems to me you have a lot to learn about how relationships among trusting adults work. it's not about shame or guilting the other into one sort of behavior or another.

#27
IdeaSmith
URL
March 16, 2008
09:01 AM

@ commonsense, Deepti: It just is a practical option, isn't it? I suppose time heals old wounds and it might be possible to even overcome the awkwardness that Deepti mentions. But that probably varies from relationship to relationship and person to person.

@ smallsquirrel: I'm happy to know that such relationships are possible. What you've stated certainly is logical and makes sense. It's just that it needs a lot of maturity on the part of all people concerned - the ones who were in the relationship and have broken up as well as their later partners - to work.

@ Ms.Anona: That's a tad unfair, don't you think? You believe that 'things don't work out that way' and smallsquirrel says they do. Each to his/her own. Besides, what you're suggesting is penalizing a person by restricting his freedom because he does not restrict his partner's freedom. Not a good idea, I think.

#28
IdeaSmith
URL
March 16, 2008
09:05 AM

@ smallsquirrel: I didn't see this last comment when I was typing up mine so I guess we posted around the same time! Well, I'm in agreement of course :-) Just wanted to add that we're influenced by our individual experiences. I'm glad to know that you have an evolved relationship with your partner and your friend but this hasn't ever happened with a lot of us and it tends to make us skeptical of the possibility. It has worked for you so I can't deny the fact but I can't exactly visualise the possibility of this happening in my own life.

#29
Ms. Anona
March 16, 2008
09:31 AM

Alright, well, if he's that ugly, then forget it.

:)

#30
smallsquirrel
March 16, 2008
09:36 AM

anona, you're seriously pushing your luck with me..

I have been nothing but nice to you and sympathetic and you come on here not actually disagreeing with me in a rational way, but instead threaten to steal my husband from me?

doesn't jibe with the values of Islam I am aware of.

#31
IdeaSmith
URL
March 16, 2008
09:37 AM

@ smallsquirrel: I think we had better ignore Ms.Anona's comments for this post. It doesn't look like she has anything useful to say outside of personal attacks.

@ Ms.Anona: While I believe in freedom of expression, I draw the line at offensiveness. You've just stepped over that line so I'm not paying any more heed to you in this conversation and advising other readers/commenters to do the same. It is to be hoped that you'll have something interesting to say in future comments; I'd be happy to hear something intelligent.

#32
smallsquirrel
March 16, 2008
09:42 AM

idea... I think you are right.

I also agree with you that not all people can be friends with exes... and not all exes are good candidates for friends. all situations are different, but if the breakup is fairly mutual and you have more good memories than bad and do not want to get back together with the person, it is truly possible to make it work out. it takes time and space and maturity. and quite frankly not everyone is up for it. I, myself, have quite a few exes that I am happy to never speak to again! :)

#33
Ms. Anona
March 16, 2008
09:43 AM

OK, ok.......... I was just out to get a rise out of you, ss. I've been waiting for you. C'mon show us that smallsquirrel roar, grrrrr!

IdeaSmith, if you want to hear something intelligent out of me, read my new post. It has absolutely nothing to do with male-female relationships for a change.

Peace.

#34
smallsquirrel
March 16, 2008
09:47 AM

anona, the way to engage someone is NOT to threaten to steal their husband or call them ugly. if you want to engage me say something intelligent. I have been nice to you and what you said was uncalled for.

#35
Ms. Anona
March 16, 2008
09:57 AM

I know your type well enough, ss, sooner or later you're gonna be cursing me. Why wait?

#36
Aaman
URL
March 16, 2008
10:24 AM

Lets stop getting personal here and side-tracked.

#37
smallsquirrel
March 16, 2008
10:51 AM

apparently, anona, you don't know anything but playing the victim.

enough said.

#38
kerty
March 16, 2008
12:11 PM

Swingers and spouse-swappers too exhibit open, mature, intelligent, liberated relationships respectful of their respective individuality, freedoms and preferences. They have overcome their sense of fear, insecurity, jealousy, possessiveness, sexual inhibitions and are focussed exclusively on making their spouses happy every which way they can - most of the time, one spouse arranges the romantic romps for his/her spouse. They fall in and out of their escapades without threatening to tear apart their relationship or carry any baggage from the previous escapades. They too feel they are so super committed that nothing as petty as sex or affairs can tear them apart. They feel there are too many things that bind them together for small things like sexual release with multiple partners to get in their way. Clintons may not fit the bill, but they seem pretty close. How far would you be willing to take your relationships to scale it to openness and maturity?

Love, sex, relationships are not zero-sum game, they do not diminish by having them with more persons - having it with one person does not preclude or diminish it having it others. Monogamy is not biological after all, it is strictly a cultural and mental conditioning, which mature and evolved relationships might find too suffocating. After all, marriage is a social contract based on mutual understanding between two consenting adult spouses - so it does make sense not to give in to social or cultural conditioning, and rather let their individual needs to drive their private relationships. So there you have it, a perfect rationale for polygamy, swinging, swapping and their derivatives. The arguments in their favor are no different than those traded in this thread . And once you accept one sexual lifestyle based on these arguments, you can't prevent anybody from pursuing any of other sexual lifestyles, because arguments supporting and defending them are identical. Once you open the flood gate, one can't pick and choose what comes out and what can't. Would you be willing to own up the direct and secondary fall out at society level for your private self-indulgence?

#39
smallsquirrel
March 16, 2008
12:45 PM

this is a totally fallacious argument kerty.

I cannot believe the lengths that some people will go to to defend outrageous practices in relationships based on jealousy and insecurity.

I do not espouse open relationships and I do not have one with my husband. Our relationship is based on trust and the knowledge that we are secure in our committed relationship.

for you to liken me having male friends and saying this is a facet of having a secure, mature relationship to swingers is ridiculous and you know it. not even in the same ballpark....

#40
kerty
March 16, 2008
02:20 PM

SS

My comment was not aimed at anybody at personal level. Nor I am interested in dwelling on anybody's personal relationships even if they are presented here to support some argument. I have tried to deal with set of positions in this thread and I do not look at from where and from whom such positions come from. They are out there in the mix and we should be looking at them in objective manner without putting anybody's personal relationship on the table. You do not have to explain or defend your personal life here. I apologize for any hurt I may have caused you.

#41
CapQuarius
March 17, 2008
02:07 AM

SS: You are lucky not only to have a supremely matured man in your life! but, also a matured Ex.

I believe, if a person truly loves the other person, however difficult it may be, letting go and letting the other person decide upon her/his life makes sense.

Didn't they say - "True love is Self-less." I can tell you with experience that your ex, truly loved you. So what if your relationship didn't work. He must be a nice man.

Relationships come with expiry dates, love doesn't.

SS: You lucky damsel!

#42
kerty
March 17, 2008
04:01 PM

This good news is just in today...

Women from Mumbai top the list of divorcees across the country in 15-49 age group, says a new government survey.

"In Mumbai, 0.4 per cent women in 2005-06 have opted for divorce while in Delhi, it is 0.2. Kolkata and Chennai follows with 0.1 and 0.2 per cent respectively," Women and Child development Minister Renuka Chowdhary told Rajya Sabha, citing the National Family Health Survey (NFHS).

To empower women, the Central Social Welfare Board of the Ministry implemented the 'Awareness Generation Project' and several other programmes for them, she said.

So now we have to see breakup as celebration and growing divorces as empowerment and freedom. And we now have a dedicated Union ministry to make it happen. Life does not get any better.

#43
smallsquirrel
March 17, 2008
05:01 PM

well kerty, with all your smugness, I guess you think all those abused and downtrodden and harangued men should be forced to stay with their abusive wives then, hunh?

open mouth, insert foot.

#44
kerty
March 17, 2008
05:34 PM

SS

When relationships come with expiry dates, when lust-affairs are packaged as love, when sleeping around within relationship is promoted as sign of matured relationship and respect for individuality, when relationships are made into gender war zones - they have dire consequences at society level. I see feminists promoting them and exploiting the consequences to advance their feminist agenda. That amounts to not only evading accountability but also exploiting the consequences for political gains. It is more than demonic - it is outright Ravanic. When Ravan is around, we got to keep our eye on Sita. I prefer to keep my eyes open and my foot down.

#45
smallsquirrel
March 17, 2008
05:39 PM

oh give me a flipping break kerty. you are so silly it makes me chuckle.

but again I guess all the women who want divorces do it for a frivolous reason while all your SIFFer friends are well and truly justified to seek one because only men face dire conditions.

your whole classification of the patently false "feminist" agenda is laughable.

#46
commonsense
March 17, 2008
06:08 PM

SS,

Welcome back! Look what havoc your Western ideas are wreaking on traditional India! Even after you are no longer there! Kerty and his followers are gestating a new cultural militia (in indigenous, indian-owned pubs in well-known Indian cities such as Chicago course)to deal with the merchants of alien ideologies and institutions. I am glad you were able to get out before the great "cultural war" our friend Kerty keeps talking about...

#47
Ms. Anona
March 18, 2008
04:41 AM

Yeh, Chicago rocks it! You snubby east-coasters can stuff your attitudes in your oversized bag and check it at the door. :)

There is something about this site that makes me want to say some of the most foolish crap, even I review it in disbelief sometimes. I think it is the generally overwhelming pretentiousness of all the characters on here. The problem with me is that I am much more interested in YOU than I am your OPINION and there is no adequate place on DC to vent this although Aaman recognizes this and says he's doing something about it soon.

#48
commonsense
March 18, 2008
08:34 AM

Hmmm Ms. A,

How did chicago enter the picture here?

""I think it is the generally overwhelming pretentiousness of all the characters on here.""

Hey, somebody's got to do it!

""The problem with me is that I am much more interested in YOU than I am your OPINION and there is no adequate place on DC to vent this although..."

Hey, a lot of us are here for other's opinions...not for their green eyes or blue beards..

""There is something about this site that makes me want to say some of the most foolish crap""

Enough cyberspace for everyone here...

#49
Roop Rai
URL
March 18, 2008
09:25 AM

I am in total agreement with SS being in a similar married relationship myself. It is possible for a spouse who is secure with him/herself to accept his/her other half for not just their present but also including the past.

As for the topic ... breaking up is a phenomenon I never understood. I've seen friends drive for hours to get rid of the angst (not very safe, I tell you that), some opted for mindless drunken nights and days, some cried their eyes until they couldn't anymore, some went on rebound relationships :/, and there were those like me who just never were serious enough to care until we found the one we wanted to marry. hmm actually, hey, turns out I don't understand life much at all. :D Never tried to define it. Never understood self-help books. Never read any cosmo magazines. Just Lived.

As IS said, experience is the best teacher. Experience merely taught to live to the fullest every day and give your best to every relationship that you care about. If it breaks up, well, either one of you didn't try hard enough or just that logistics weren't right. Why mope over it? Move on! An art I perfected over the years.

Not to say that if something were to happen to us, god forbid, I'd be the first one to be inspecting Niagra Falls to find a good spot to make the eternal jump. :D :D :D Love him to bits.

Take it easy, guys.

#50
IdeaSmith
URL
March 19, 2008
04:56 AM

@ Everyone: I was off this space for awhile and apparantly I've missed a lot! Can't believe the directions this discussion has taken. Oh well, for all of those who thought this post made some sense to them, I'm glad to have touched your lives and thank you for sharing something so personal.

#51
kerty
March 19, 2008
05:35 AM

Heather Mills is in the news. She broke up with Sir Paul McCartney and sent the bill to him - $50M. Actually, she wanted over $250M and took Sir Paul all the way to courts and appeals, and so she is pissed about it as she thinks she will now have to live poorly with only $50M. Not bad for 4 year fling though.

#52
locutus83
March 19, 2008
07:14 AM

Break-ups are not easy.
Time is definitely the best healer. Tears help too, in the short term; this is especially for guys, as many men think crying makes you weak.

In my case (around two years back), for a few days after the break-up (my one and only relationship uptil now), I used to listen to Kenny G and Enya in the nights, alone in my hostel room, and tears would automatically flow out in copious amounts. Those tears took away most of the short term pain.

Funny part was that I was sad more because she would be suffering .. and ironically I was the one who actually initiated the break-up (won't go into the details why).

For some time I decided to cut off most of my social contacts, and live like a monk.. went deep into Zen Buddhism, meditation, "self-discovery",and plenty of spiritual reading; that too helped a bit, especially on the self-awareness front.

My ex also resolved never again to go into a relationship with a guy. I don't know if she has kept her resolve or not.

Later things became normal again..study pressures took over. We (my ex and I) do call up occasionally (once a month or so) to casually check on how we're doing. There is no bitterness left anymore.

I learned some lessons from the relationship and the break-up, let me share them with you all..
1. Use you head too along with your feelings.
2. You can't change bad habits of your partner which are deeply ingrained, through love or any other force, unless he/she has the interest or will.
3. Intellectual compatibility does matter.
4. You need to carefully think about your family, your partner's family and your long term future as a couple before committing for a long term relationship. Am not talking about caste/religion; just the basic human inter-relationships. You can't just impulsively jump into the unknown with your lover, saying "jo hoga, dekhaa jaayega". Because this is not a movie, it's the real world.

I hope I wasn't too preachy..

#53
Ms.Anona
URL
March 19, 2008
08:28 AM

Hmmm, locutus, you seem emotionally conflicted. Great, me too!!! wanna chat?

#54
commonsense
March 19, 2008
08:42 AM

Locutus,

Thanks for sharing your experience with us. You come across as a very sincere person.

The point about you crying and suffering, even though you initiated the break-up is a good one. Regardless of who initiates it, or whose "fault" it is, breaking up is always a bummer, never easy. Thanks!

#55
locutus83
March 23, 2008
08:58 PM

To Ms. Anona: I think our predicaments can be beautifully summarized by the Enigma song "Between Mind and Heart".
I am game to chat, even though I am quite aperiodic in my appearances here.

to commonsense - Thanks! Maybe its the choice between short term pain (which the heart recognizes) and (possible)long term pain (which the brain probably understands)..

I think I have had plenty of heart vs. brain conflicts in my life uptil now :-)

#56
Ms. Anona
March 24, 2008
12:42 PM

locutus83, Hmmm, Enigma. Used to love their song 'Return to Innocence' in high school. Did you know that the chant in the background is not Native American like I always thought, but stolen from Chinese musicians? The original creators only found out about it when they heard it many years later on a commercial for the upcoming Olympics.

You will have to click on my URL and add me.

#57
Andy
URL
March 26, 2008
08:32 PM

I see what you mean. What you say is good in theory, but almost impossible in practice. With each breakup, you die a little. It is a little hard to celebrate your death ... howsover little.

Andy

#58
Sans-committment.
March 30, 2008
12:40 AM

Ok, We broke up because I was cheating. Had a wonderful committed relationship but then I slipped, I fooled around with someone and eventually she found out. She initiated the termination and I signed in. The worst part was when I cheating, I never felt bad or the guilt, but when we broke up ... I was a wreck.

We fought over, rather she gave me share of mind and i just listened.We didnt speak for an year. But somehow down the line we became best friends. Now we r not in any relationship, yet we r good friends. We discuss our careers, family, social life. I talk about my hook ups, she tells me about her attractions.

We got over each other, but did not let go the good things that we share.

#59
'nonnymous
April 10, 2008
02:11 PM

theres a song by Linkin Park where Mike Shinoda raps:
"What you meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesnt really matter"
In the end it doesnt matter. You love and you lose. Sooner by separation or later by death. And theres no choice.
Ofcourse some romatics claim they gained more than they lost... but then to each his own


#60
'nonnymous
April 10, 2008
02:11 PM

theres a song by Linkin Park where Mike Shinoda raps:
"What you meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesnt really matter"
In the end it doesnt matter. You love and you lose. Sooner by separation or later by death. And theres no choice.
Ofcourse some romatics claim they gained more than they lost... but then to each his own


#61
'nonnymous
April 10, 2008
02:11 PM

theres a song by Linkin Park where Mike Shinoda raps:
"What you meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesnt really matter"
In the end it doesnt matter. You love and you lose. Sooner by separation or later by death. And theres no choice.
Ofcourse some romatics claim they gained more than they lost... but then to each his own


#62
'nonnymous
April 10, 2008
02:12 PM

theres a song by Linkin Park where Mike Shinoda raps:
"What you meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesnt really matter"
In the end it doesnt matter. You love and you lose. Sooner by separation or later by death. And theres no choice.
Ofcourse some romatics claim they gained more than they lost... but then to each his own


#63
IdeaSmith
URL
April 11, 2008
02:02 AM

@ locutus83: Actually that was a nice comment (look at the responses it got!) so thank you for sharing such a personal experience. A thought - With time, the very things that drew us to the person are the things that annoy us the most. Your thoughts?

@ Andy: This may sound cliched but with every death, there's the possibility of a new birth. I died a little with every person I left behind and discovered something new about myself every single time.

@ Sans-committment: As the initiator of this discussion, I am probably duty-bound to play fair with everyone here. But I can't help being affected personally by your comment. I and a lot of my friends have been deeply hurt by exactly what you've described. While it is heartening to know that the perperator suffers too, I can only think that he/she is getting what's duly deserved. But what was the other person getting punished for - the crime of trusting? That said, I have tremendous admiration for your ex-, for being able to get past the bitterness and have a normal friendship with you.

@ 'nonnymous: I'm one of those aformentioned romantics. But in the same breath, I hasten to add, "It always teaches you...but there are some lessons I think I could have done without learning."

#64
Aaman
URL
April 11, 2008
09:04 AM

IdeaSmith, here's a poem I wrote once, perhaps apposite:

Cheek against cheek
in the sweaty heat.
So good we are together,
the way I was.
The curse of the solitary man,
to live with sand in the mouth,
not to understand why,
to cry without tears
for lives unlived save in wasted years.
Petal-butterflies wither
without taking wing.
Regret is total.

Add your comment

(Or ping: http://desicritics.org/tb/7409)

Personal attacks are not allowed. Please read our comment policy.






Remember Name/URL?

Please preview your comment!