The Monogamous Male?
There's a short, cute little Jewish man doing the rounds of Hollywood for the past few decades, with a vulture like face, which is assuming you can come up with cute vultures, but then they're doing hybrid seeds these days and they're also saying that KFC makes those Zingers using some strange hybrid creatures which don't look too edible, though I fail to see what the ruckus is about since even a healthy live chicken doesn't look too edible until you've killed, stripped, gutted and roasted it. But we digress! The point that we're making here is that modern science CAN make cute vultures and hence shall one day help people think of what Woody Allen looked like, ages after he is dead.
So as I was saying, Mr. W.A. of the cute vulture-like face is one of those people who are fairly disillusioned with the entire concept of monogamy. In fact, he's one of the rest of us!
So is Scarlettttt Johannsonnnn actually, who's proved that you don't need to necessarily look like a vulture to be disillusioned with monogamy. You can look pretty shapely and get all disillusioned too.
Men around the world have been trying to solve this problem in various ways, yet again proving that the human race is extremely conky but at least it isn't boring and monotonous. The Sheiks invented the Harem and have been living happily ever after. The Woodstock generation came up with the concept of the Open Relationship and made the world an even more confused place.
I am told that one of the tribes in Central Africa has discovered an exceedingly novel solution to the problem. Whenever the men get tired of their nagging wives, they have some soup. Since the wives are covered with baby fat, the soup can be pretty fattening but the men don't mind that too much considering the peaceful atmosphere that the ingredients, or the lack of them thereof, provide.
My personal views on monogamy have evolved through the years.
It hit me first when I was still wearing shorts to school.
"I love so many girls in class. Add the English ma'am to that list! How can people marry just one person?"
My friend was silent as he gravely paused to let me in on the profound truth he was about to reveal.
"India is a poor country! You can't maintain too many wives. Look at the Arabs! They are rich! They keep many wives!"
I decided that day that I would get rich enough to have as many wives as I could.
Time passed by and I began to understand girls better and started falling for them in series rather than in parallel.
I had also graduated from shorts to trousers and from tricycles to bicycles.
Those were the days of the Childhood Sweetheart and it didn't take me long to realize that she had more of the visionary in her than me.
"We'll get married someday," She said excitedly holding my palm and baring her glistening teeth in my general direction.
I wanted to get the facts straight before making any commitments. Some of those hidden clauses can really ruin your life.
"And what if I fall in love with someone else after that?"
"Then I will have to kill you!" She was still baring her teeth.
That was the day I stopped entertaining non-monogamous thoughts!
I got back to them on my first day of ragging at IIT when they drew an elaborate graph demonstrating how people with multiple partners were living longer and getting more successful, taking the example of the eminent Hindustani Classical Musician who had given an all new meaning to the term "Indian Diaspora". The Diaspora, to her credit, had gone and bagged all the Grammies, while seductively whispering Come Away With Me. Piggy-backing examples from the world of music were enough to get me back on the path yet again.
I was, however, on the path for exactly 0.81 seconds which is the period separating the instant you search for "India polygamy illegal" on the internet from the instant you get a barrage of scary search results in response.
Things moved smoothly again till my new-found respect for management jargon proved to be my undoing. People at an IIM can really think outside the box.
"Men who willingly enter into a monogamous relationship are actually gay. They use it as a defense mechanism. There is no other way you can survive."
That was some serious out of the box, rather out of the closet, treatment of the problem at hand.
"Monogamy is an economist's concoction. The probability of either sex being born is 0.5 and the demand-supply equation stays balanced only in a monogamous scenario!"
"Monogamy is a process of selective loss of virginity reducing the target demographic to exactly one person on a sustained basis."
That was enough jargon to leave me reeling for a few minutes.
I had, however, lost track of the argument by the time I finished eating dinner with a certain someone that evening. You don't think of economics when you're in love! That is, unless they're giving you a Nobel for it in which case it would be considered a major sacrifice of coochie-coo fantasy time for the economic betterment of the world and that'd make you famous.
The tone of the post notwithstanding, if it wasn't for the fact that a certain element called love existed among humans, we wouldn't be any different from those animals and monogamy would be the biggest joke doing the rounds. It still is in some circles and they always have the option to have some soup!
The Monogamous Male?
- » Published on November 10, 2007
- » Type: Satire
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Author: Sangeet Paul
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