SATIRE

Satire: Home Improvement

April 29, 2007
Subroto Pant

"I have decided to do some home renovation" I told my wife.

"Oh! Oh! Are you sure about what you want to do?"

"Absolutely, should be a piece of cake".

"You know those home renovation shows probably make it look a lot easier than it is".

"Well how hard could it be? That Jamie fellow and a whole bunch of people keep doing a different renovation every week".

"You know those people are professionals".

"Well I have been watching them for the past year and I think I have figured out how it's done. Look at it this way I will be doing only one renovation compared to the hundreds they do".

"That's the only one I am worried about. I suppose you will want me to get involved in this hare-brained scheme of yours?"

"It is a `Home Renovation`, so everyone at home can join in. Well actually only if they want to".

"Just remember the last time you tried to fix the car`s air conditioner yourself".

A cruel blow that one. I should have seen it coming - like a vicious haymaker from Mike Tyson. Well in my defense I must say it was done with the best of intentions. That car was close to a scrap heap anyway and I was thinking of buying a new one, especially when the insurance backed out, but I digress.

"I don`t know what the car has to do with it", I said frostily, "maybe if in the past they had car shows just like the home renovation shows these days".

"Oh! Do what you want".

A small victory, I knew she would listen to logic. It was time to go hardware shopping.

"What's that?" demanded the wife when I returned from the trip to the hardware store.

"Oh just a few tools" I said airily, hoping she would not ask for the bill.

"A few! Looks like you went and bought the whole store".

"Well what could I do? I thought I just needed a hammer and nails but this most helpful fellow at the Home Renovation section gave me a very informative talk. Very nice young chap indeed and very knowledgeable. `Handy Andy` that's what they call him. I wanted to look at some power tools and do you know what he said?"

"I don`t but tell me anyway".

"Always use a circuit breaker/safety switch at the power outlet when using power tools. A small price to pay, for a huge payoff - you and your family`s lives! So I got this safety switch for the house and circuit breakers for all the outlets. Remind me to call the electrician tomorrow".

"And what`s this? My God is that the price?"

"Look this drill will practically pay for itself. Screw-driving and drilling are easy with this Swiss made 14.4 volt cordless drill. Features keyless chuck, 5 stage clutch and 2 variable speeds, shaft lock, low profile design, lightweight, electric motor brake and battery recycling program. And it's very useful in hanging up those picture frames you always wanted me to do" said I remembering what Handy Andy had told me.

"That looks like a very fancy saw".

"Oh we needed a saw and Handy Andy says they are indispensable around the house. And this one features low friction coating for more efficient action and thicker blade results in less energy consuming vibrations. I just couldn`t buy only the saw; you do need these other tools to help with the finishing. Can`t have it looking like some shabby amateur effort".

"I suppose you will have to tell me about this", she said as she slowly lowered herself into a chair. Poor thing did not look too well, looks like my attempt at making breakfast had not agreed with her.

"Well you know all this woodwork can`t just be done anywhere. It's not safe with the children in the house. So I got this workbench".

"Is that just a workbench?"

"Well not exactly. It is the new XX2005 workcentre. You see it is the centrepiece of the Woodworking System with improved side chassis & clamps. You will create professional results every time you do a woodworking job. Features quick 40 second conversion from table saw to crosscut saw. I mean you don`t want the home improvement to look like shabby job do you?" reinforcing what I had said earlier.

"You`ve got all these DVDs. How many did you need?"

"Oh those are the training DVDs you need to learn about the craft".

"But that looks like a small DVD player and TV. We already have a DVD player and TV".

"True but then I won`t be working in the lounge and can`t keep the kids away from their movies, so this is a good system to keep things away."

"I can think of other things to keep away" she said tersely, "Anything else I need to know?"

"Not really", I said, thinking it was probably not the time to tell her about the new work shed that I had got. But I will do it soon. Really I will, don`t you believe me?

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