An English, August Feeling In June

The weather today just reminded me of something I had written a while ago. A sort of 'Deja vu' moment I guess.

So here is the retro post,

It was a reasonably hot 90 degrees outside. I stared out of the window in my office for the eleventh time thinking the clouds would actually make a difference. They came together within a matter of minutes like an army of ants in a sugar bowl. Soon there wasn't an empty space in the sky and I felt even more lonely. Lonely by choice and lonely by chance.

"Yenna da vettiya?",asked a friend (Are you jobless?). A smiley answered back in the affirmative. I don't think any other emoticon could capture the train of thoughts running in my mind or the lack of it. It wasn't a crib notice, that fate brought me to unknown lands not of my choice, neither was it a depressive state of emptiness, and even more a longing feeling to be out there with people. It was just the view of the room and beyond.

The view of a picturesque park, with an unknown monument standing there would usually bring joy to peoples faces. I don't feel anything when I picture that. I see inertia, and see the wheels turn slowly dragging the heavy mass along with it. The caffeine adds to this hallucination and I just smile.

Not another morose tale. Not a story of succeeding against the odds or failing with it. Not about visually capturing life but excluding the meaning. Just about spending some time with myself. I took a chance with that.

It really was bright and sunny outside, with birds chirping and smiles all around. It almost felt that the room added its own set of emotions in my mind. Just like an oil spill in the ocean. I settled for a spot in the middle of the path leading up to my office. The seat seemed worn out but i think I chose it for the shade the pine behind it provided. How hard is it not to be hustled?

Like we've heard a million times before, you constantly are surrounded with people who want to go somewhere, who want to get something, and this race is just exhausting. The thing about this running is its all over your face, and messy. People just come in, blow their brains off about things they might have caught in the evening news, and on how everything in life boils down to how much money you have. I agree till a point, you need the green. The green however isn't the reason of your existence.

I sank into the seat and oblivious to most people who passed by me, I started observing life as a work of art. The expressions, the uncanny gestures, the cappuccino all pointed to a goal. Communication was getting more about the intent rather than the use of words as an art. I thought is it just me or is life getting that mundane that you use your cell phone as a location guiding instrument to people who already know where you are?

All these questions, till she came.

I didn't notice her, but she seemed to know me from somewhere. and as most cases go, you usually go with the flow trying to use every context of communication as a means to understand your first situation of contact.

I think i might have met her at some friends place. The face looked reasonably familiar, but I don't have a thing for faces, and usually for faces just seen once. I greeted her and was probably stuck in a situation that I really did not like. I wanted to be alone. I just wanted to be alone and as the hundreds of experiences go, I also didn't want to be alone. I just feel this way and once its over, I like to take refuge in the regret that pours down. Why didn't I talk? Why didn't I sit there? Why did I do whatever it is that I did?

She noticed that my mind was somewhere else and thought I really was doing something and didn't want to disturbed. Ya you could say that, I was busy watching a bunch of sparrows fight for a piece of popcorn.

"I'm on a coffee break", she said. I smiled searching for more questions to ask. "So you like spending a buck on coffee when you can get one for free at the office? " yup, thats what i said. She rolled her eyes, like someone already asked her that," no this is tea and yes i paid a buck for it. They don't have tea in my office."

I nodded to be polite, because it really didn't make any difference what she drank. Was this a disease?? Am I a claustrophobic jerk or was I just sadistic complaining that nothing interesting ever happened to me.

"Don't these walkways remind you of human highways where people just are in a rush to get someplace. Its like the rules observed for driving are effortlessly followed over here, the slower ones stick the right of the path, the speeding ones on the left. It almost looks like a huge human mass was on a move, and all we needed were headlights and this would have been US-59...."

I didn't know how to respond. I looked at the people, they did seem pretty organized. It did remind me of a freeway concept. It did make sense. I looked back at her and smiled in the affirmative. "Yes, thats true. But I wonder did the rules from driving apply here or the other way around."

"Does it matter how they are applied?"

"Hmm...I dont think so, unless you were studying evolution."

"So you think we started at evolution."

"No, havent a clue about that. But we sure are going where evolution leads us."

"True, we are evolving in many ways, in fact many more ways unknown to us. Our conscience evolves, we choose to stop the change, and feel sad that nothing important ever happens to us."

Wow...was that her speaking. I just turned my attention to the slightest of insecurities she managed to reveal. She started nibbling at the cup, almost like she didn't like what she just said.

"So, I get from what you say, you don't like change."

"Who does?"

"I think people do if they knew what they were getting into."

"Thats a personal statement. I think people in general are cowards, and only a few manage to be less of cowards than most. Those are the brave."

I didn't want to get sucked into all the neghead talk. Surprising how other people make you feel bad or good about yourself.

"I don't think too much about all that. I mean there used to be a time when I did, but now i feel there is always a cause effect system in place, so we react. No point blaming anyone about why they did something or not. Sometimes its the best laid plans, sometimes its just a bad rash reaction. Ultimately we get drawn into some other game, so we keep playing till we drop down dead. Game over."

"Haahaa...that is simplifying existence to a Video Game."

"Not just any game, a PS2 game....imagine whoever came up with the catch phrase, Live in your world, Play in ours...."

"So I come to understand that you own a PS2."

"No prizes for guessing that."

"Ya, i wasn't expecting any."

"So, I guess you study here." In what seemed to be my first attempt at knowing who she was.

"How does it matter? I could say anything and get away with it. Would it change anything?"

"OMG, Hazaar sorry yaar, I was just trying to make conversation. Don't read too much into nothing."

"Yes I do study here. Which should explain why im drinking tea on a pathway in the middle of the afternoon trying to escape from the reality that shrouds me inside that building."

She turned to the building and said, "Doesn't that look like a black box, holding up all possible secrets that anyone may have. I just want to break it once."

"Haahaa, yes it does look like a black box because its highly overcast, might rain anytime, and the building is painted...er...black.."

"I was speaking figuratively."

"I got that. I was being prudent."

We both smiled.

A drop fell on my nose, just between my eyes. I felt alive. It started raining in almost like a 180 degree shift from what the weather had been an hour ago. My mood too was a little lighter than what it was an hour ago. I couldn't speak for hers as she got up from the seat.

"It is raining, you know. I think thats a sign to get back to work."

"Or a sign to get off work?"

"Haahaa, I don't know about you, but I have to earn my paycheck. They don't pay me for sitting and enjoying the rain."

"No one does, isn't that sad? The most beautiful moments of your life happen when it rains, and you live those moments worrying about a paycheck, that you would have earned at the cost of losing this."

"Thats life."

"Thats a choice."

"Thats being real."

"Thats a black box talking. and you wanted to break it once right?"

She smiled.

"Bye."

"Next time when it rains?"

"In August?"

"Ask the weatherman."

She left.

So I was once again sitting alone, but felt fine with how things were. The rain started pouring in, but I just sat there, getting drenched. I just didn't want to do anything else.

Just an English, August feeling in June.