Movie Review : Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna : sKANK it up baby
Ever tried stretching your arms straight up for 3 hours at a stretch? Ever tried standing on one leg for more than 3 hours? Ever tried sitting in a lotus position for more than 3 hours? You did!!! HA... try this - Ever tried sitting on your two cushiony bums applying the same pressure on each of them, while forcing your out-to-pop-out-of-the-sockets eyeballs to intensely focus on watching Karan Johar's Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna?
If you did that last one, I bet you must have experienced the following hallucination that I've incurred for over 2 hours after the movie was done, out, closed out of an oz life. Please email me if you have experienced the same. Your emails will be kept confidential. And you will get a secret blue envelope which will have an invitation to join the newly oz created secret community called Bum Bum Bhole.
The hallucination is this : Your body parts start talking to you. Don't believe me? Please be my guest. Please get up, walk out and drive to the nearest theater that's showing KANK. If you don't get the tickets you are lucky. But you still want to dive into that disappearing hole of your misfortunes. So what do you do? You buy the ticket from scalpers a.k.a. black marketers. HA!!! Read the last 6 hours of oz's life
oz at theater window : 1 ticket for KANK please.
window to oz: Skunk? We don't have any movie by that name.
oz to theater window: Kank Kank Kank. Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna. Kank. Are you in the movie business?
window to oz: Shut up. Pay 8 bucks and get the hell in.
oz thanks the window, walks into Screen Number 6 of the only shitty theater in Southern California called Naz8, which by all the bad luck desis can get, is also the only theater in Southern California which shows desi movies.
Movie starts. Camera shows falls leaves being swept away by 10,000 kilo watt fans. Titles show the story co-written by Shibani Bhatija. First panic attack. Writer of Fanaa. Middle finger looks to the index finger.
Middle finger : O Little one. Should I roll over you? It seems we are in trouble.
Index finger: No O Lambu. I have a good feeling about this.
So far characters have been introduced. Two sets of couples. Unhappy marriage. Unhappy situations. Unhappy tears. And unhappy eyeballs of oz.
Left eyeball of oz to the right eyeball of oz: Mother fucking son of a bitch. What stupid paaps did we commit that we were born as eyeballs for this son of a bitch.
Right eyeball of oz to the left eyeball of oz: Tell me about it. How could he? How could he? How could he fucking torture us with this SKANK?
oz to right eyeball: Hey watch your mouth. And it's KANK not SKANK you idiot.
10 minutes later
One husband from set one and one wife from set two are brought together and there is a push from Mr. Karan Johar to create love between them. That push feels like pushing my Dad's 1970 Ambassodor car, during my teens to jump start it. Which the car would faithfully do, each time. Unfortunately the push by Mr. Johar results in...
oz's right Bum (thinking): Fuck Fuck Fuck. I hope he gives me some relief by moving his fucking weight to the left. (Knock Knock)
Right Bum to oz: Asshole will you move over the left. Fuck I can't take this anymore.
Oz to RB: Screw you... (thinking: wait... that make me gay)... no forget that. You complain too much.
5 minutes later oz complies and begins to shift his weight to the left.
Left bum (thinking): Holy Mother Fucking RUN RUN RUN... He's shifting his body weight on me. HELP ME GOD HELP ME. SAVE ME FROM THIS BUM.
oz to Left Bum: You calling me a bum? You fucking bum.
Right Bum: O WHAT A FUCKING RELIEF!!!
Left Bum to oz: Yes you bum I'm calling you a bum. What crazy mother fucking idea made you come here to watch "this" movie. Look at me!!! I feel like crap.
oz to Left Bum: Shut up and let me watch this movie you fucking bum.
oz's right brain to oz's left brain: Son of a gun. Can you imagine the crap we have to decipher for this ass?
oz's left brain has just converted to oz's intelligence the following scene that oz's eyeballs have pulled in. A hamming Shah Rukh Khan standing next to a hamming Rani Mukherjee, who stands next to a look-I'm-so-lost-here Priety Zinta who stands next to Abhishek Bachchan (looking for all exit points in that scene), who stands next to I-make-the-ridiculous-look-pesticide-cool Amitabh Bachchan.
oz's left brain to the right brain: Fuck fuck fuck. I can't take this anymore. Did you check the scene I just converted to this moron's intelligence?
Right brain: Dude I'm already half asleep. I pity your job.
The trailers of Kabul Express, Dhoom 2, Don bring mild relief before KANK starts again...
Left brain to right brain: FUCK DON'T JUST STAND THERE. DO SOMETHING!!!
Right brain immediately projects an image of Carmen Electra who starts taking off her clothes and looks at oz.
oz's Mini-me: Right brain!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU UPTO??? I can't do this man. I can't expand myself.
Right brain: O Savior of all please do something. Get this ass out of the theater and to the nearest blond out on the streets.
Mini-me: I can't. I'm weak. This fucker has been watching so many desi movies that it's changed me.
Right and Left brain in unison: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
Mini-me: I used to be a big tall thick Bamboo when I was attached to this moron.
Right and Left brain in unison: So what are you now? You still look like his dick you prick. Get up and save us from this SKANK.
Mini-me: Alas my brothers... years of watching shitty movies with this ass has changed me. I am now no longer the big thick tall bamboo. Yes my brothers. I have changed. Years of watching shitty movies has transformed me into a... toothpick.
Right brain, Left brain, Right bum, Left bum, Eyeballs, fingers, hair, ears all cry out of shock in unison: TOOTHPICK!!!! And we thought you HAD THE BEST MOMENTS OF US ALL!!! FUCK WE ARE SCREWED.
oz to his body parts: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS COMMOTION ALL ABOUT?
oz's left bum pleading to oz: O Master!!! I beg you. I plead to you. Pray, please do shift you weight to the right. I can't take it anymore.
Meanwhile somewhere before or after the interval, Abhishek Bachchan screams - Why does my wife not want to sleep with me? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY....
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO - Those are the screams of the right bum as oz shifts all his weight on the right.
Left Bum: O fucking - what a relief.
Right Bum: You asshole. He wouldn't have moved if you hadn't said so. How much more time to go?
Left Brain: Umm... looks like another 90minutes.
Right Bum: FUCK MAN... I'm screwed.
Eyeballs suck in the image of the entire lead cast sitting on the dining table where the joke is that the husband from couple one is having an affair with the wife from couple two, which he actually is, but it is a joke, though it actually is true but others think it's a joke, but the husband from couple one and the wife from couple two, know it is a reality, still they smile because it is a joke, because for others on the table it is a joke but for them it is a reality which they are projecting as a joke which others on the table don't know it is a reality projected on the dining table as a joke but....
Left Brain: I GIVE UP FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT... I GIVE UP.
oz taps head: Hey hey hey... come one the scene is moving ahead. Interpret it will ya?
Right Brain to left brain: I feel your pain.
Left brain to right brain: Can't you do something here like... trying to get mini-me up?
Mini-me: LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS SHIT. YOU THINK IT IS EASY SITTING ON THIS PRICKLY SEAT WATCHING THIS DICK OF A MOVIE????
Left Brain: So what do you think? My job's easy here? How much more time left?
Right Brain: Looks like another hour to go
Right Bum: ANOTHER HOUR... SOMEBODY HELP ME. I CAN'T CARRY THIS SHITTY WEIGHT FOR ANOTHER MINUTE... I'M GONNA ASK OZ TO MOVE OVER...
Left Bum to Right Bum: Mercy Mercy Mercy!!! Have pity on me oh right bum. Fuck look at me. I look like a crumpled piece of shitty paper. Please please please don't ask oz to move his weight on me... I'm begging you...
Right Bum: FUCK YOU!!! OZ MOVE TO THE LEFT... I CAN'T BEAR YOUR WEIGHT ANY MORE....
Cries of left bum heard all over the theater - NO NO NO NO NO NO NONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO KARAN JOHAR YOU FUCKING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
oz's left eyeball to right eyeball: Ever imagine if we could replace this whole movie and make it look like porn? Atleast that would save us and the poor fellows attached to oz.
Right eyeball to left: If I had hands I would have slapped you. Could you just shut up and let me concentrate on sucking in more trash. Fuck... I think I'm going to throw up... Did you see that?
Left eyeball (flabbergasted): Holy Shit. This is the end of the world. Shah Rukh Khan is humping Rani Mukherjee.
Mini-me: Let me see let me see!!!!!! oz open your zipper!!!!
oz opens zipper. Mini-me takes one look at the screen. Screams - DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMED FOREVER.
Left and Right brain in unison: What happened???
Mini-me: I was a bamboo, got demoted to a toothpick. FUCK THIS SRK-RANI Sex scene has now shrunk me to a grass needle. FUCK I CAN'T EVEN SEE MY SELF I'VE GOT SO THIN... SOMEBODY HELP ME... I'M SHRINKING!!!!
That folks was the tragedy I suffered for the last 4 hours.
I've had to quickly write up this warning, sorry, review before hitting the nearest bar and drowning my sorrows in hard alcohol which I hardly touch. But tonight. No one comes between me and the bottle.
If Self Indulgence could be measured on a scale then that scale will have Karan Johar and his passionate product KANK right up on the top.
Indulging in gawky sets, to dresses to pancake makeup, to battle ready eyeliners, - the only thing missing is an itsy bitsy tiny thing - called a story. The camera work is just about average. Editing, somebody please explain, why it gets so jumpy. Dialogues - I pray my mom and dad never get to hear it. eg: Father to Son "Call Girls call me" - and that is supposed to be a funny line.
Screenplay - From slow to very slow to tortoise slow to sudden change in events to slow to slowest to running the marathon to slow - in short - it would be a huge battle to even read it, if a copy of the script be placed in your hands.
This is Karan Johar at his worst. They say successful directors reach a peak from where it's very difficult to escape the clutches of the vanity of self indulgence. One truly believes that statement after watching KANK.
Of the cast, one may argue Amitabh is the saving grace - with his 15 minute role. I disagree. The comic relief provided by him may get a few smiles simply because it stands up against a mountain of drag. Transfer these Amitabh moments to a regular fluffy comedy of recent times and they may appear to be scenes of tragedy. But the energy input in trying to etch out the reality of a extravagant man, to best is passable at Amitabh's end.
Priety Zinta's been given a raw deal. It's as if Karan Johar lost all interest midway through her character development. Zinta at best comes out as a Bindu of 2006.
Rani Mukherjee tries hard to make some of those pretty outrageous scenes completely believable. In spite of having a lot of screen time, all she is given is to turn up on screen with tears or with a grumpy look. Plus the zing and magic first seen in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai is completely missing. And I've yet to make up my mind on her S&M comic scene - should I laugh or should I simply pass out?
SRK is SRK. He'll hop, ham, hiss to the best of his abilities. Surprisingly some of the scenes like the ones between him and his son are one of his best, which he effortlessly executes with on the dot sensitivity.
But in the end it's Abhishek Bachchan, who musters all the courage and with great bravado, rises far above his role. You can see that after some point, Johar fell in love with the sacrificial lamb and eggs Bachchan up to give all he has got. And Bachchan doesn't fail, which sadly can't be said about the film.
D Plus. Consume half a truck of vitamins, proteins and minerals before entering the theater to watch this Skank Kank.