Movie Review: Tom, Dick and Harry

May 31, 2006
Desi Train

Tom, Dick and Harry (TDH). A Deepak Tijori creation. The third movie watched on a lazy Monday afternoon after Tathastu and Pyaare Mohan. Life is full of suffering, accentuated by Bollywood's clueless producers and swindling directors.

After watching TDH, it was time for an early evening snack. Tea and Export quality Haldiram's bhujiya. You empty the bhujiya in the cup of tea and then stir it.

Your Monday blonde date is shocked. She can't understand the utter idiocy of your actions. In spite of being a blonde and having experienced the first sightings of Indian culture via you, she still so well knows that you never drop your snacks into your tea and then stir it.

But she is a nave woman in an oz world. Things don't exactly work the same way here as in the world outside. Bollywood included.

I hold her hand and take her back to the living room. We both sit shaken and a bit stirred. In front of us are Mr. Tijori, Mr. Tom, Mr. Dick and Mr. Harry.

Tijori-jee:"So how was the movie? Oh wait a minute. I know you liked it. I can see it. Any man dating a cute blonde will like my movie."

oz: "Why do you say that?"

Tijori-jee: "Exactly my point"

Tom-jee (the deaf one): "So how did you like the movie? Fucking A ha? Fucking A."

Dick (the blind one): "I can sense your facial expressions. I can sense you are pleased. And your blond girlfriend seems to be happy too. Wait. Let me touch her hands to feel her mood."

Dick-jee in an attempt to touch my date's palms, ends up having his hands on her breasts.

Blonde Date slaps Dick Jee.

Dick-jee: "Sorry. Wrong Number"

Harry (the dumb/mute one): Waves hands in the air. Stands up and pats his crotch. Smiles. Energetically moves his crotch front and back. Pats it again. Comes close to us and makes big eyes and smiles.

oz: "What the fuck is he saying?"

Tijori-jee: "Exactly my point. He's asking if you liked that movie."

Blonde Date: "What the fuck? He was almost shagging himself in front of us. Does that action really mean if we liked the movie?"

Tom (deaf): "I think he likes you Ms. Blonde. But I'll shag you better than anyone else. (points at me). I hope your brother doesn't mind me telling all this. hehehe.... Oh ok... So did you like the movie?"

oz: "I'm not her brother!"

Tom (deaf): "Soda? I'll have a soda yes brother"

oz: "Not soda asshole. Brother Brother Brother"

Dick (blind): "If you are going to get soda can I have one too. Diet coke please."

oz: "How the fuck did soda come into this conversation!!!"

Tijori-jee: "Exactly my point. Didn't you see how effortlessly I brought all different scenes that had no connection with each other whatsoever and then I stuffed them into one single movie. That is plain genius."

Blonde Date whispers to oz: "Are all Indians like these only?"

oz whispers to Blonde Date: "No. Only those from Bollywood."

Tom (deaf): "You have nice tits Blondie. You should open the top two buttons of your shirt to give all of us a nice view... so did you like the movie?"

Harry (dumb): Starts jumping up and down on my sofa.

Dick (blind): "I wish I had eyes to see. I've never seen a white woman's tits. Hell I have never seen anyone's tits."

Tijori-jee: "Exactly my point. That's the whole / hole or whatever ole reason, as to why I had women shaking their loose fleshy bums into the camera and showing plunging necklines deeper that the Niagara Falls."

Tom: "Viagra? Why do I need Viagra? I don't need Viagra for this cute blondie."

oz: "Watch it Asshole."

Harry (dumb): Takes his tongue out and licks his lips. Hands move to his crotch and he starts patting it.

oz: "What the fuck is he talking about?"

Dick (blind): "He says he too doesn't need Viagra."

oz: "How the fuck do you know he said that. You are blind!"

Tijori-jee: "Exactly my point. That's the USP of the movie. Strong characters, fantastic plotline and lots of suspense, drama and comedy."

Blonde Date: "You must be crazy."

Tom (deaf): "Yes yes. We are all very busy. So did you like the movie?"


Dick (blind): "Shant oz bhai shant."

Tijori-jee: "Exactly my point. The plot is good and people like it."

oz: "Plot. What FUCKING PLOT? Your movie is too retarded to even call it a movie. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE MADE."

Harry (dumb): Jumps infront of oz, makes a fist and thumps his crotch with it.

oz: "What the fuck is he saying?"

Tom(deaf): "That he liked the extensive titillation provided in the movie."

oz: "What does that have ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE PLOT?"

Tom(deaf): "So did you like the movie?"

oz: "NOOOOOOOO. This is the crabbiest movie from Bollywood that I've seen in... in... in... in... 2 hours."

Tijori-jee: "Exactly my point. You did not understand our movie. It was to show that even handicapped people have feelings. Even they get an erection and even they want to have a cutie blondiee like this one in their life."


Dick (blind): "I wish I could see. When I get my eyesight I want to see you O Blondieee." He reaches to hold my blonde date's hands and accidentally ends up cupping her breasts in his palms.

Blonde Date slaps Dick.

Dick (blind): "Sorry. Wrong Number. Too many accidents happening today."

Tijori-jee: "Exactly my point. This movie was made by accident. And look what a beautiful accident it turned out to be."


Tom (deaf): "So did you like my movie?"


Tijori-jee: "You are now hurting my feelings. There is a long queue of producers outside my house waiting for me to make the next movie with them."

oz: "Are they all crazy?"

Dick (blind): "Tijori-sahab... what line? I thought they were there waiting for you to open your doors so they could throw in tomatoes and chappals and shoes at you."

Harry (dumb): Smacks Dick's head. Slaps his own forehead and then pets his crotch.

oz: "Aaaaaaaaaaa. What the fuck is he saying now?"

Tijori-jee: "He is asking you to conclude your opinion about our movie and give it an A Plus."

oz: "Never!!!!! F Minus. And I advise everyone to carry rotten tomatoes and broken shoes to throw on the screen 20 minutes into the movie"

Tom: "So did you like our movie?"


Tijori-jee: "Exactly my point"

After the crazy guys have left...

Blonde Date: "I'm leaving and I will never date an Indian guy ever again in my life."

oz: "Wait!!! Don't go. I'm not like that!!!"

Blonde Date: "I know. But you watch shitty movies and I don't date guys who watch shitty Indian movies - that too 3 in a row on a Monday afternoon. Instead of watching the movies you could have been doing so much more with me. Bye and don't call me ever again. Fucking Nerd."

Blonde Date leaves.

oz picks up the DVDs of Tathastu, Pyaare Mohan and TDH and heads for the Indian store.

Indian Store: "oz boss. We have new Indian movie"

oz: "Which one?"

Indian Store: "Akshay Kumar and Bobby Deol's Dosti."

oz drops down at the feet of the owner of the Indian store.

oz: "Please forgive me if I have wronged you. Please charge double for all the groceries I buy from you. But please don't send an Indian movie to my house for the next 7 days."

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Shantanu Dutta
May 31, 2006
01:40 AM

The film is a pretty amateur attempt, and tends to drag. The double meaning dialogues are more smut than comedy. The story and screenplay are very weak, and fail to hold the viewer's interest. Of the cast, Anuj Sawhney and Kim Sharma put in good performances, while Dino and Jimmy are passable. Gulshan Grover hams away to glory and you want to see his exit as early as possible. About the only high point of the entire film is the absolute rocking music by Himesh Reshammiya, especially his own number 'Yaara Jhoom, Jhoom''. An entirely avoidable film, except of the music. Might be of interest to the front benchers, in view of the crude and lewd dialogues.

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