Dear Jesus Spammer

Dear Jesus Spammer,

How are you? Forgive me my familiarity at addressing you as such - it is only because I doubt your real name is "Important" or "God Loves You". On the other hand, if these are the names your parents blessed you with, then I would like to express my heartfelt sympathy and say that I fully understand why only the Lord could be your Savior.

Thank you for responding to my article. It is heartening to know that my simple review of a spoiler website struck such a deep chord within you that you felt the need to redeem my soul. I have never had such a response ever before.

Of course, I later found out that it takes very little to connect with you and I have to say that I felt a bit cheated. After all, with all that talk about my soul it seemed to me that we had a connection - until I clicked on another article, and yet another, and yet another....

I was a little cheered, however, to realize that you were not universally magnanimous. I find that you are most visible on Desicritics, where a lot of us heathens can be found, easily penned in a cyber box, awaiting your pleasure. While some on Blogcritics have also been blessed with your presence, I find it comforting to know that you are not "the village bicycle" of the Blogcritics network, as the cruder boys back in India might have put it.

But all this is not responding to your comment. Let's see:

Dear reader,

you say, dear Jesus Spammer.

Have you ever thought about where you came from? What the origins of life are? Why we are here on this earth? Those are very thought provoking questions indeed.

Yes, indeed they are, Jesus Spammer. I thought so even back in elementary school science classes, when our physics teacher was telling us all about the earth and our biology teacher explained Darwinism. Fascinating stuff.

When you see a painting, logically there has to be a painter right?

you ask.

When you see a building there must be a builder right? As you look up in the heavens (stars, galaxies,etc), that creation must have a creator! God is the reason for all of us humans.

Oh. My. God. That's absolutely right, Jesus Spammer. You know, I never thought of it that way, but now that you mention it, there's always a painter who paints and a builder who builds. And thank you for explaining the meaning of "heavens" - I thought it might be some new fangled stuff about multiple heavens borrowed from them Hindoos or something. Or do I mean the Buddhas or whatever it is they call themselves?

But then the news gets really gloomy from your end.

Unfortunately we have all sinned against Him by breaking his commandments. Have you ever told a lie? stolen something? used God's name in vain? Lusted after another person? God says if you've even looked at a woman with lust, you've already committed adultery with her in your heart.

Goddammit! Well, Jesus Spammer, at least I never lusted after a woman. Her boots, yes. Her, no. Good for me. Oh, and if neither of us is married, is it still adultery? Just for future reference. Thanks.

You go on to say,

Think about this: If a person robs another person he deserves justice (punishment) right? A person who robs is a robber, one who lies is a liar, one who hates is a hater. God also says in his commandments to honor your mother and father, to not idolize things in his/her life that takes the place of God, to not covet things of another person. God gave us free-will because he loves us.

Are you President Bush? C'mon, you can tell us, Jesus Spammer. Because you sure sound like him - I never thought what the terms "robber", "liar" and "hater" meant until you brought it up. Now I think about them constantly. I also never knew that justice meant punishment. But now I do. Your mental dexterity is amazing.

The news now gets grimmer and grimmer from your end.

Unfortunately, we all have fallen short of his standards and laws. He cannot let a sin go unpunished because a good God has to hold us accountable for our actions. When you die you will have to face God on Judgement day. That's a scary thought. Imagine being found guilty of these shortcomings. Justice must be served. For all these sins God declares, you will be punished and separated from God for eternity.

I had a question here - what's a bad God like? I mean, I kind of thought God was good. Period. But I understand from you, Jesus Spammer, that there are several different types. This seems like more Hindoo stuff to me, but what're you getting at? I also tried to imagine Judgment (no 'e' in judgment by the way) Day, and Arnold Schwarzenegger kept coming up for some reason. Was that a vision of Hell do you think? Brrr.

But you weren't done yet, Jesus Spammer.

I beg you to LISTEN to your conscious, you are guilty! God says if you even break ONE of his commandments it's as though you broke all of them! But our God is a merciful God. He sent his Son Jesus which suffered and died on the cross, taking your punishment upon Himself. He resurrected on the third day, defeating death. We broke the law and Jesus paid our fine: "For God so loved the world that he sent his Son (Jesus), that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life" John 3:16. Repent (turn from your sins) and genuinely place your faith and trust in Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins and you will be saved (go to heaven). If you are an unbeliever please do not postpone this decision, for you don't know if you have tomorrow (death can come before you know it). It's your choice.

I didn't think it was very nice of you to refer to Jesus as an object. I mean, He did pay our fine. You might at least call Him a 'He'. But as an "unbeliever" (did I mention I was one of 'em "Hindoos"?) I think it was very nice of you to think of me. Thank you for telling me it's my choice even when you believe my other option is Hell.

I share this because it would be selfish on my part to hold back the Truth in myself,

you say.

I truly want to see your soul in heaven one day!

Hey, heaven sounds like a cool place to hang out. But since you're being so unselfish and all, I thought I'd share a little of what my people think -

If you're really, really nice and well-behaved (and if you've been doing all the things you mentioned above, you definitely qualify) you don't get to go to heaven and live right next to God. Instead, you get to go straight to God and become a part of Him.

No kidding.

You can't get any closer to Him than that, can you? If you really love God and want to be as close to him as possible, then come be a Hindoo. Makes you wonder what Jesus would do, doesn't it? You can bring Jesus along, by the way. We don't discriminate and will put him right up there next to Vishnu. You just need to give up your beef. But don't worry, we'll teach you how to cook soy so that it tastes just the same. We also give you multiple lifelines - if you fuck up this life, you've got another. How's that for eliminating stress?

Hare Rama Hare Krishna to you, Jesus Spammer.
Yours in faith,
Amrita.