Movie Review: Aksar - Sar Pakad and Run

Aksar : Sar Pakad and Run

There's a morcha outside my house. All the Adult Video Rental Stores want to ban me from visiting any Desi Video Store and Desi Theater. Their main beef is that I have stopped visiting all of them to rent or buy porn videos ever since I discovered Desi stores/theaters in California. As a result, the sales of all Orange County Adult Video stores has crashed. The porn industry is shaking in its knees. I suspect they have secretly sponsored this oz Roko Aandolan.

But I will fight this morcha till my last breath. It is my fundamental right to give more preference to the pimples-flattened-with-pancake face of Udita Goswami than to porn star Jenna Jameson and I would prefer to have a huge poster of "Aksar" over my bedrest, a place previously enjoyed by the cover of "Rocco's Anal Adventures".

Why should I watch the sadela + ghateeya porn made in some of the dingiest studios of Chatsworth, the porn world's capital in Southern California? Not when I can get attractive European locations, huge palatial sets, a Bollywood heroine covered with 2 inches by 3 inches of 0.15 millimeter thickness yarn and two men lusting over her with tongues hanging out far enough to give my dog an inferiority complex. Perfect scenario for the most plushy porn ever seen. Who wants Chatsworth-chap material anymore?

And I am beginning to like the work of director Ananth Mahadevan, a former (?) tv/movie actor who gives us the most beautiful sexiest heart thumping soft core porn ever seen in the world of cinema. After movies like Dil Vil Pyar Vyar and Dil Maange More, Mahadevan-jee seems to have at last grasped what the audiences really need. Screw the teeny bopper candy floss romance. The audience including Mummyjee, Papajee, Unclejee, Auntijee, Sonu, Monu, Bobby and Pepsee all want hardcore romance, the one beyond two flowers rubbing each other, the fountain suddenly springing into action or the kabootar pecking material.

No No No. We all want a pimple faced desi actress shedding clothes faster than you can say "Shit". A beauty which is greater than the sum total of beauties of all my kaamwaali's (housemaid's) Mumbai to Mexico (Darogabai to Doris). And we want two wooden (pun highly unintended) heroes. And our thirst for liberated sex will be quenched until Mahadevan-jee comes up with the next edition of Bollywood Porn Edition II.

On a serious note, Did the Aksar team really think they were making a movie or were their fucking intentions very clear that it was porn they wanted to produce?!

It's high time the Indian Censor Board gets into action and introduces the X, XX, XXX codes besides the boring U, U/A and A certificates.

Udita Goswami's tits have more expression than her face. Really, is it necessary to pursue an acting career when your furniture can act better than you? Dino Moreo has three patented expressions throughout the entire movie. The first "looks" like he is feeling "blank", the second "looks" like he is feeling "more blank" and the third looks like its "the mother of all blankness". And the great media-projected serial kisser Mr. Emran Hashmi, in the name of acting snores right in front of the camera all throughout.

If you want to see in all practicality what the Bombay slang "Acting ki ma-bahen ek karna" means watch this rat-hole of a movie. After watching Aksar, all movie fanatics need to find some other passion besides movies.

F grade. This is a one way ticket to migraine hell.

oz is at Desi Train