The 'M' Word

These days the 'M' word is being used most often in my house. Now the 'M' word here stands for 'Marriage', a word that I am not too fond of. Being 26 years old, I do understand my mum's worries and her wish to see me settled in life, but it's just that I feel if you are not ready then it's not worth jumping into a life-time commitment such as marriage.

It wouldn't be wrong to say that Tradition is very strong in our Indian society and that it dictates many aspects of our lives. In India, regardless of religious differences, caste, class or regional location, tradition makes particular demands on the way women live their lives - from the clothes that they can wear to their mobility, the kinds of jobs they take up and so on. I remember when I was leaving for further studies to Australia, my whole family was fine with my decision, but just at the last moment my mum started having second thoughts about sending me away from home at the tender age of 16. Now this change was not because of what she really felt but because of what others (as in her friends) had filled her head with. It's another thing that I was able to get rid of her fears, but that was just one instance where I realized the hold of society on an individual's life.

Just a couple of days ago, a gentleman came home, for whose visit my mum especially asked me to take half a day off from work. Now this gentleman is a marriage broker - someone who specializes in fixing Punjabi and Sindhi marriages. He was an old man, around 55 years old, not very fluent in English but I have to say very much up to date with today's arranged marriage trends (for e.g., the idea that the guy and the girl should meet without any family member being present).

Basically he asked me what sort of a guy I was looking for who would qualify as an 'ideal' husband in my books. Obviously he would be the last person I would discuss this topic with, so I just kept smiling, acting shy and kept avoiding the questions he was throwing at me, without being blunt or rude. Another thing which I am sure many are aware of, is the importance given to another 'M' word especially among North Indians. Giving 'marriage' company is the 'money' factor. Now I agree money is important in life but I wouldn't let it dominate and take priority over my wishes.

The gentleman who came over said a few things that really irked me completely. He said, "Don't go for a disco going type of boy, first see how much money he has in his pocket". He further went on to explain the 'ABC' factors to consider while bride/groom hunting and that we cannot have all these factors in our favor.

• A - Abilities ( basically meaning profession/business, cooking, etc.)
• B - Bank Balance (money factor, society standing)
• C - Character (attitude, behavior, etc.)
• D - Domestic (family)
• E- Education
• F - Fitness (physical appearance)

Maybe what he says is right, I am actually not sure what really made me upset about this meeting. Some of my relatives think that my overseas education has made me fussy and very choosy but I am sure that there are many, many young women out there who feel the same way as me. Alongside the traditional part of society, maybe I am also influenced by the advantages of modern life. Education, jobs, friends, and money are increasingly changing the image that women have of themselves. Maybe I am just one of the many young women who have aspirations that do not fit with the feminine roles of 'wife' and 'mother'. But does this put me in the wrong books of society?? Or is it just an identity crisis??

As women, we have to go through many changes after marriage and it starts from day one. From changing our last name, to moving into a new house leaving our family behind, adapting ourselves to new people and to new environments, and in many instances giving up our profession. I sometimes wonder why most men have 'bucks night' or 'bachelors night' before their wedding and always crib that marriage binds them down and takes away their independence. On the other hand, it should be us women having such nights because frankly we are the ones who are expected to change our whole identity overnight.

All I know is that as women we should try our best not to get caught within the web of expectations that are imposed by tradition and family. That is the only way that we can change an environment which conditions women to think of themselves only as beings of reproduction because, in the long run, it will only stifle our personalities and lead to a crisis of our identities.

(Crossposted on 'To Each Its Own')